A Past

I've read the first five chapters. You write beautifully, Charlotte. There's a poetic quality to your work. And such a way you have with images. "A short cough that hung in the air like a question mark" is just perfect.

I specially love the scenes in France; partly because I'm a Francophile :-) But also because Jeanne rings so very true. She's the same age as my mother-in-law, and has some reminiscent characteristics.

The opening chapter moved me to tears. Everyone clearly means so well, but it's so wrenchingly sad. And a subject very close to my heart.

Jeanne thinks to herself when waiting to meet Amy, "these mannerisms could only be learned from a parent". I don't know if this is of any use or interest to you, but some years ago I met a distant relation. She's a fourth cousin, and she's Swedish, so we have little blood and even less upbringing in common. But our mannerisms are so alike that it's uncanny. My husband said he felt as if he'd known her for years. It was a strange and lovely experience.

This is a beautiful story, and I hope it goes far.

Shelved.

This is excellent. Though not my usual gendre, I was drawn right in to this right from the emotionally gripping start ,and read ch 1-6. As your narrative flows, we are drawn into this family, and as the story unfolds, I wanted to read on.... and on.It's so well crafted its an easy read, but very rewarding You have created 3 dimensional characters that seem to leap from the pages as they tell their story and you have some lovely descriptive phrases, " orange tulip sky" for one. Only two minor nits, perhaps if you culled the dreaded adverbs/ adjectives, this would make it even better, and I much preferred the larger font you use in Ch 1, easier on the eyes!.This deserves to do well. Shelved.Best, Grant

Hi Charlotte

Although this is not a genre I would ordinarily read, your writing and the storyline swept me along with ease. Jeanne's story is beautifully portrayed and chapter one is a great hook. It was a seamless and surprising transition into Amy's story and you handle the perspectives of grandmother and granddaughter with style.
Chapter 3 felt just a little wandery and I was a bit surprised/disappointed not to have had more of an immediate sense around Amy's feelings to Jeanne's letter - it felt a bit of a jerk to go from end of chap 2 into the beginning of chap 3 to me. Also was a little surprised that Amy 'couldn't wait to tell Pippa' - just felt a little bit at odds with the descriptions of Pippa's distance around the Julien subject - I would have thought Amy would feel more trepidation around sharing the news with her mother?
Anyhow, this is shelved with pleasure and this deserves to be much higher in the charts than it is at present.
All the best
Mat

ps - you use a lot of adverbs and whether you agree with the 'down with the adverb' debate, some of them do need looking at e.g : Smiled excitedly, grinned diabolically, looked nostalgically...

On my shelf till I have time to read more.
This is magnificent stuff!

Suggestion
I know it's finished, but you could have fun with your mouse.
I would break up all those block paragraphs and dialogue.
Giving your magic phrases their own line.
We don´t have to pay for `paper online!

catcha later............Mikey

Jeanne had me at hello. What a compelling lady you’ve created and the setting around her in ch 1 feels so real. I can see Catherine Deneuve playing her, in that study in La Bardeze.
The hook of something as instant as Google helping her trace her long lost son is priceless. The tragedy of his death an even more compelling twist.
I also like Amy, nice and believable. I related to the cycling accident but the “cyclists are organ donors” stat got me worried: I cycle a lot on weekends in London, lol!
I really like your story and hope it will be published. I think I’d buy the French version to make sure I hear” Jeanne in her mother tongue.
For as much as I don’t like to bring up the “show vs tell” discussion, I think I will use it here for the simple reason that I hope you reduce potential nitpicks to the minimum so that this great book can whiz up the charts. I noticed it a few times, mainly in the opening paragraph and later in ch 2, with the paras that start with “Amy’s room”. This should be an easy fix, for example in the opening, Jeanne can put her fingers on her face to wipe her tears and she would feel the wrinkles. You’re obviously a very accomplished write and I’m no one to give you recommendations, but I really like this book as I said and I hope it makes it all the way to the top.
Shelved and good luck.

i found this very touching, the old lady, the heart-ache, the computer and the well-meaning grandson. i do believe it could do with some thinning out in the first chapter as there is a lot of 'telling' and perhaps too much description for an opening chapter.

but the writing is lovely and the plot sounds good. happy to shelve this and wish you well.
xx
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Hi Charlotte,

There’s vivid characterisation here, and I’m drawn into the story because of that. Some will no doubt slate you for having a slow start, but I think this fits well with (a) the genre; and (b) the atmosphere of sorrow and regret you’re trying (very successfully) to create in ch1.

I’m quite taken by your detailed descriptions at the start of this sample. I almost always prefer to be immersed in the characters and setting first off – from setting comes character; from character comes motive, then action and conflict – and you cater to my tastes perfectly. Thank you.

The change of pace in ch2 works well – different time, different place, different character. Good. And more patient/mature introductions of character and setting.

The only thing I didn’t really go for in this sample was Amy’s mirror scene (you’re not alone – a few writers have submitted work to autho with mirror scenes). It’s a personal thing – probably just me – but I think when a writer has talent (as you so obviously do), taking the easy out and resorting to using a mirror to give us the physical description of your character does nothing to enhance the work. Please don’t take offence; it’s just my opinion and others’ may differ.

That aside, there’s nothing to decry here. The narrative flows well, developing the characters little by little, and I feel immediate empathy with those I’ve encountered so far; the dialogue is fine; and the story is opening up, encouraging me to ask questions and get involved. Very, very good.

Backed. Best of luck.

--Jack Ramsay (Brogan's Crossing)

I've been reading other comments and notice that everyone has given you feedback on the style of the book and what to change to make it better, but what drew me into the book was the feeling. The effect of loneliness, heartache, sadness, and a will to never give up no matter what the cost came across completely in the text. You place the reader in the situation and ask them to do more than think, but to feel, and understand the gray side of life. Not the dark, but the gray. The area where things are can be managed, are livable, but pervade a feeling of discomfort throughout the entire body that can not be shaken away.

Yes, as in all our manuscripts there are corrections that could/need to be made, but the feeling of loss, but determination is in every sentence and transferred to those who have the cognitive ability to not think and feel the emotions radiating from the page. Good work and keep perfecting your craft.
Later days,
Kenny

Hi Charlotte

Feedback on chapter 1:

I'd say that you should leave out detail that doesn't fit naturally and let it unfold for us. eg no need to say "old lady", could just say Jeanne, and the "wrinkled cheeks" in the next sentence would tell us what we need to know. Likewise, would leave out "the old manor known as La Bardeze" because it seems like necessary information that has been shoehorned in early. Etc.

I love how her emotions change her view of the familiar things surrounding her.

I think "whirr" has two r's. Also probably shouldn't use it twice in relation to the computer.

I believe it is more correct to say "felt as if", rather than "felt like"

"was all the more shocking for having been blanked" etc

I would leave out "they didn't question their relationship" etc - it is telling not showing. Also "painting the events of the day" etc.

I like this opening chapter. The atmosphere of the house is really well evoked and the scene with the birth of her baby is wonderfully realised. It's really very natural and affecting. You make us care what happens next.

I'm going to read on for another chapter if you don't mind before I decide to shelve.

Nicole

Hello Charlotte,

You have a well-written story here with a fascinating plot. have read just two chapters so far, but your style is smooth and captivating. Jeanne is a curious one, and takes a reader into her world effortlessly. Amy i the other intriguing character and the have a strong pull around them. This attests to your characterization which is intuitively observed. All I can say for now is that the story gripped me right away and I will be back for more.

All the best.

Janvier

Charlotte,

Here's how I do this. I look at short and long pitches and at least the first three chapters (unless your chapters are very long). I write my comments as I go. I'll tell you what I like, but if I think there are places that improvements can be made, I'll tell you that as well. If I do make suggestions, please remember I'm just another amateur wannabe, so obviously ignore anything that doesn't resonate with you!

You have an intriguing short pitch, then on the best long pitches I've seen, very well structured with long paragraphs providing information and interspered short paragraphs providing impact.

Your opening scene establishes Jeanne as a woman who may be old in body but is certainly not so in mind. The gentle prose, with keen observation (the most loyal but the most inefficient cleaning lady grabbed me), seems to reflect her character. And she has some secret from long ago. You give us enough back-story to intrigue.

The second scene moves, seemlessly, into flash-back and ends sadly with a child taken.

At which point we come back to now. There's limited dialogue in this chapter, and what there is, is often embedded in the narrative. I felt that breaking the lines out, particulalry when Jeanne chats on the phone with Constance, would provide more white-space and a change of pace. It's personal preference, but this chapter is quite heavy in narrative.

Chapter two, switches to Amy's PoV. And there's a change of speed in the narrative too.

I notice you emphasise her swearing with capitals, I think the exclamation mark is sufficient emphasis in this case.

In the paragraph beginning, "Hello Amy . . ., I'd split it after, "smiling at her cheekily". This would both separate Amy's reaction from Charlie's words and help vary paragraph length.

After the conversations with Charlie and Helena, which tell us a lot about Amy, you move into four solid paragraphs of exposition. Right up to the point she starts undressing, we're in her head. I wonder if this can't be compressed to keep the chapter moving at the sort of pace its had since the frantic opening.

You cut from the opening of the letter to flash back (mirroring the structure of the first chapter) providing key back-story in an engaging manner. Then you return to the present with a single line; one full of impact.

Chapter three picks up with a buoyant Amy arriving for work. It appears the news has perhaps cheered her.

The overheard grandmother, talking to her grand-children, is a very nice touch.

Towards the end of the chapter as Amy and Pippa talk--does Pippa know more than she's letting on?--there are some changes of PoV, the sort of thing some will call head-hopping. I was never confused, but it might be worth looking at.

I really like the closing paragraph of this chapter. For me it suggests that what lies ahead will not be smooth sailing.

After three chapters what strikes me most is that you have two compelling characters, who I am interested in. The opening chapter, I felt, in it's style well reflected Jeanne's character, and the early part of chapter two similarly reflected Amy's contrasting character. There is a lot of narrative in this and little variation in paragraph length. I feel that if you could tighten this up, especially in the Amy PoV sections, it would be more involving.

However, as I said the characters are memorable and there is some wonderful descriptive writing (from the cleaning lady in chapter one, through that bird in chapter three). I shall give this a spin on my shelf.

Hello Charlotte,
This is excellent writing, balanced and melodious, gently drawing the reader into Jeane's world. It deserves to be published and gets my backing.
All the best,
Andrew

When I first uploaded my novel and read many others here, the ones I stumbled upon did not move me (generally). Recently, however, I've stumbled upon some very good writing...and your novel, of course, is one of those rare finds.

It's been years since I read The Stone Angel--and your Jeanne is nothing like the main character there--but I am somehow reminded of that novel.

Bravo!

Cheers,
Sheryl (comment on mine? Backing optional)

You have quite a story here and it is so well told. You are a fine writer. How you wrote the birth scene and giving the baby up. How she smiled before she answered the phone so her daughter would not suspect there was anything wrong. I wish you the best. Shelved. C.P

Yes you have a very nice style and story. Even tho this is a bit out of my reading material it was comfortable which kept me going and also interested.

You write extraordinarily well in that you have high vocabulary and wonderful imagination. You have a plan and have built on it very well. There also is a bit of mystery as to where you are going with it. Good thing.

Okay so now that you have already shelved my book I have to tell you something helpful!!! I am not sure if you understand the proper use of Commas and proper sentence structure in certain places. In chapter one you get started with commas breaking sentences in various places. I am not one to say, but I certainly have been told by the editors this is something they do not approve of. I think if you go back and try and say what you want to without the improper comma use would be a huge help if you get to the desk. Anyway the rest is nice! Shelved. ,,,,Marco Cota ,,,,,Predator Down

I thought I'd leave you comments, but having read the ones below, I really haven't anything to add. Just wanted to say, your writing is excellent.

Best,

Heikki

Very powerful writing. Well written and deservedly backed.

-Jenny-

Charlotte
Great first chapter with some beautiful phrases and description. Good end to the chapter “I’m not leaving until I’ve found her.”
When I got to the section starting “It was a bitter cold November…” I noticed a lot of “was” sentences. This weakens your writing because there will be a better verb so you can “show” the reader rather then “tell”.
I’m not sure it’s right to start chapter 2 with Amy’s heart after finishing 1 with Jeanne’s.
Very minor thing: I’d delete “that” from the last sentence of chapter 2. It works without and editors tend to say “that” makes a sentence more awkward.

Big picture: this is a classic. Your characters are rich and the plot intriguing. I'd love to know what happens, what the secret is and suspect there will be flash backs. A shame I can't spend more time on this. Perhaps after the month end or when it's published.

Good luck. It’s on my shelf.
Chris (I Dare You)

This is a fine story and you write beautifully, Charlotte. I loved the way you opened, first with Jeanne, and then followed with Amy - a couple of delightful characters. I'm backing this with pleasure on the basis of what I've read so far and I look forward to delving deeper a little later. Perhaps, in parts, you could break up your paragraphs - as I think Jennifer has also suggested. This is particularly important when people are reading from a computer screen. With best wishes - Phil (Weimar Vibes)

A great read, your ease of writing is obvious. You set the scene well and your descriptions and imagery are brilliant. I would buy this book. I found it flowed easily and was very easy to read. Gail xx Invisible Tears

Hello, Charlotte - with apologies for the late arrival. This is going to be an exceedingly unhelpful comment, I'm afraid. Loved your short pitch, particularly the line "Rules became irrelevant" - such a poignant line. I suspect I am not your target audience here, but this does not mean I cannot enjothe sheer elegance of your prose. Clearly, m'dear, you can write. And well, too. Sorry that I don't have more to say (this is probably a very Good Thing). I am delighted to give you a spin on the sesty shelf. Best of luck with it - sestius

Hi Charlotte
You've tightened up your MS since I first peeked at it and put it on my watchlist. I think it's much stronger for the edit and now I've read (and skipread) on, I'm shelving this. It's a lovely read and I'm hoping to get back to find out what happens next! More editing needed as you go along - I think you had the cleaning lady as Pauline at the beginning and she re-emerges as Paulette and the overwriting you previously had at the beginning starts to come through again later too, probably because you haven't got that far yet! - but the basic story is great and your style is easy and pleasurable to read. Good luck!

Strange sense of 'deja vous' reading this for many reasons which would probably bore you! I was drawn in by your pitch which I thought was superb. Then the start with some wonderful imagery, 'the antique clock, the long walk up the stairs', all so visual that it was instantly real. The poignant memories of birth and giving up the child may be fiction in the story but were a truth for many. So the story continues, skillfully told and beautifully written. I must shelve this. Margaret.
Candles in the Garden &
The Spirit of the Butterfly.

Charlotte,

The opening here with the aging Jeanne is a wonderful way to introduce this story. And your writing is exquisite. So vivid. I can just see Jeanne making that slow, painful ascent up the stairs. And the transition to the younger Jeanne is seamless. That is a truly sad scene when she's forced to give up the baby.

You have a strong beginning and I can already tell it's an outstanding story. Nice work.
I'm backing.
Mark

Charlotte, I love both of your mc's, this is written beautifully.

It's a dreamy read, crap what kind of word is that for a man?

I liked it very much and see that you will make progress here. I know how tough it is sometimes, but stick with it. This is worth the effort.

Kennesaw

Charlotte-
This is beautifully written and so evocative. Wonderful premise. I am still reading and enjoying, but will add this to my shelf in the meantime.
Kind regards,
BexMcK (The Devil's Box)

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. The concept of the betrayal of the clock moving from telling the time to counting down whatever is left is terrific. This is a book where the world needs to be locked out and the imagination released to do its work. On my shelf to continue reading. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hi Charlotte,
What an interesting mix of two worlds, the old lady surrounded by her possessions and her past and Amy, a girl who creates her own world around her.

Amy is fascinating and I found ch2 and 3 much more fun than chapter 1.

Given the contrast between the woman lost in her past and the one locked into the present I wonder if it might be better to start the story with Amy. I recognise that isn't easy as the story begins with Jeanne searching for her son and his children, but it might make for a more invigorating start.

Shelved, naturally.

John

Dear Charlotte,
Great visual of the keyboard looking out of place among the antiques.
Blew me away, the concept of the beloved grandfather clock now a threat to her mortality.
Marvelous, the old lady who can't bring herself to communicate with emails. Reminds me of my mother, who still thinks she should center her salutation on the page, and hunts for the carriage return.
Some particular highlights that called out: "the loneliness lighter," her anger at the maid's negligence spurring her to the top of the stairs, the bit with Mr. Vincent on the bicycle with the pristine white vest.
The birth: a beautifully rendered scene, so affecting. Relieved that the next call comes from Jeanne's daughter. At least she has a child.
If the trick is to pose questions to the reader to keep them going, then you're doing it with great skill. E.g., who is Peter, was Julien her son, why is her relationship with her daughter strained, who is she hunting for at chapter end?
And then we get a whole new set of questions with Amy. You throw out many fascinating bits to keep us going.
Marvelous change in rhythm from chapter 1 to chapter 2.
The writing is fluid, the story compelling. Shelved.

May I suggest moving the "Up until today Jeanne had regarded..." paragraph (and the following one) to the beginning? Also, I agree with RIVA below...an edit is needed here to really tighten things up here and let the story stand out a bit more. Good luck.

Hi Charlotte. I have read the first 2 chapters and I know that if it were on a bookshop shelf I would definitely buy it. You have a gentle lycrical style and the pitch is interesting. I do have one criticism but it is only a minor one.

I think you are guilty of overwriting in some places. (Aren't we all. ) You do use too many qualifying words. Using the first few paragraphs as an example, all of these adverbs and adjectives could be removed without spoiling your beautiful writing and making it even tighter.

Tears rolled ‘silently’
‘Pink’ blusher
‘Reassuringly’ accompanying’
‘Unforgivingly’ counted
‘constant’ reminder
‘Up’ until today.
‘gentle’ whirr
‘slightly’ frightening

I am not sure you need to explain Jeanne’s relationship with her daughter. It broke up the narrative flow. The sentence which begins ‘Constance’s voice…’ shows us this without telling.

Chap 2

'Cyclists were referred to as organ donors' says it all. You don’t need to go on to tell us that more came in than left.

Sorry to be picky but I would not say this if I did not think your writing was worth it. I am happy to put 'A Past' on my shelf and I wish you much luck with all your writing.

Riva
(Taking Care of Rosie)

Hi Charlottel,

This is a wonderful story. You drew me deep in with wonderful details and descriptions, believable characters and elegant fluid writing.

Just to let you know, your pitch is wonderful too. I think it really gives a hint about what the story will be. That, for me and many others, is harder to do than write a novel. Good job on both.

Heidi
Turning Red

I saw this on someone's bookshelf and thought I would take a peek.

And, I'm really happy I did. My kind of book. My kind of writing. It all appeals to me.

You have a good pitch and a strong beginning and a good first chapter. I'm likin' this book.

My own mother (80) googles like crazy but doesn't use email...this is so classic, yet such a current story.

Well done, on my shelf.
Best of luck with it.
Janet

Charlotte, a lovely story you have here! A wonderful set up for a tender story. I would put Jeanne's story in an actual flashback. Sort of unnerving for her to be old, then you and then old again. Nice touch with Amy. Shes found and then we're afraid for her in the accident.
Anyway, well done. on my shelf.
Jeff

hello there Charlotte,
I skimmed quickly through the first two paragraphs of this and it's shaping up to be a well written and interesting story. However I have to be honest and say it's just not my sort of thing. I do wish you well with it. I didn't spot any terrible typos or horrible grammatical gliches, although if I were you I might look at making some of the paragraphs a bit shorter.
Regards and best wishes.

Hello Charlotte: First, I was completely drawn to Jeanne and felt her heartbreak when she gave birth to her baby and he was taken away. And I felt her joy when she found Amy, both her hope and Amy's excitement when she sent her the letter. You evoke such empathy in the reader for the troubled lives of all your characters, which is truly gifted writing. I am making room for your book on my shelf.

I've read the first five chapters. You write beautifully, Charlotte. There's a poetic quality to your work. And such a way you have with images. "A short cough that hung in the air like a question mark" is just perfect.

I specially love the scenes in France; partly because I'm a Francophile :-) But also because Jeanne rings so very true. She's the same age as my mother-in-law, and has some reminiscent characteristics.

The opening chapter moved me to tears. Everyone clearly means so well, but it's so wrenchingly sad. And a subject very close to my heart.

Jeanne thinks to herself when waiting to meet Amy, "these mannerisms could only be learned from a parent". I don't know if this is of any use or interest to you, but some years ago I met a distant relation. She's a fourth cousin, and she's Swedish, so we have little blood and even less upbringing in common. But our mannerisms are so alike that it's uncanny. My husband said he felt as if he'd known her for years. It was a strange and lovely experience.

This is a beautiful story, and I hope it goes far.

Shelved.

Dear Charlotte, I have no doubt this should be published. Both the story and the prose are mature and sophisticated: your audience is obviously intelligent, sensitive adult readers, and they will not be disappointed. I’m pleased to be in the company of such strong, intriguing women (I include Pippa), and I like how you juxtapose Jeanne’s and Amy’s present lives before bringing them together: ending Chapter 1 with a man on a bicycle and then beginning Chapter 2 with Amy on hers foreshadows their meeting and serves as a small example of how deftly the narrative is constructed.

The writing is never less than precise, vivid, and graceful. You have a gift for physical description and for rendering each character’s thoughts and feelings in a distinctive idiom. I have only one suggestion, and it’s minor. In Chapter 1, you write, “she felt like there was nothing she could do”: considering replacing “like” with “as if.”

I’ve also spotted minor typos in Chapter 3.
“Out of my fucking way [comma] you wanker.”

“What’s happened to you then [comma] Duncan?”

“Are you sure?” [sic] You could have charged him you know.”

I’ve read only three chapters, so I haven’t yet gotten to Amy’s meeting with Jeanne. I can’t wait. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

I'm a sucker for a good birth scene, (ask Jeff) could be something to do with having 5 kids myself and four grandbabies. That was of course until the joy turned to tears when the baby was taken away. You write well and this is the kind of book I would gladly buy.
I'll give this a spin on the old shelf forthwith.
Good luck and best wishes
Sue

Hi Charlotte,

Great story. It’s moving and emotive, especially the birth scene.

You have a way of grabbing your reader’s attention and keeping them glued, which is vital. Jeanne is believable and likeable character.

You are a natural storyteller. The writing is tight and the story flows with ease.

I will be clearing my shelf tomorrow and it will undoubtedly have a place.

Shinzy :)

I am an amateur writer. so do not try or look for faults. This is all about feelings. Like it very much.

Hi Charlotte

Symbolism right from the off, with the cracks in the paint signifying the cracks that appear in life and possibly the lines on her once young face and the clock, a grandfather clock. Rerminds me of the song 'The Grandfather Clock'....such a sad story, if you have time check out this link.....

http://theclockdepot.com/history_of_the_grandfather_clock.html

Was a song i learned at high school and i still recall the words.

Then, we have the new fangled machinery, in the form of the computer lighting up the old woman's eyes. Sadness again, knowing that she would not have much time to experience it.

You have an ability that it is very rare to tell a story in such a remarkable way. This is exemplified when Jeanne is separated from her new-born baby.

Without hesitation and without any more need to read, this is an amazing story.

I have shelved this and feel that you will find much success with this.

Many thanks Charlotte.

Ed Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

Good evening, Charlotte.

I have read only the first two chapters thus far, but it is obvious to me that you are a very accomplished writer! I was not only in Jeanne's home as she 'surfed' or slowly climbed the stairs, I was beside her while she was in labor, too. I felt the banged tib and understood the discontent that Amy felt with her new roomates.

You've done a superior job with this novel-- thus far, anyway. And I've no doubt the trend will continue as I read on! I'm happy to back you novel, and I wish you much success, both with you efforts on authonomy, and with your writing career, in general.

Take care.

Karen

Hi Charlotte, Your synopsis brought me in and then I became instantly enmeshed with Jeanne’s thoughts. Her avid computer searching is really true of some old people. Such sensitivity in telling about her physical issues. Your style dips and broadens and you have an uncanny ability with characterization. It reminded me of Simone de Beauvoir and how she can weave lives. The descriptions of Helena, Vanessa, and Duncan tacked their personalities into my brain. Also, phrases like “shook the fragile fence she had built around her fatherless childhood.” You introduced Samantha but didn’t get to her until a later chapter so that confused me. Otherwise, I thoroughly enjoyed this and once the letter from Jeanne made its impact, wanted to read the whole thing. Quite a spectrum and still a smooth read! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Charlotte, this is great! I've only read the first chapter but it's straight on my shelf and I'll come back and read some more later. I don't like to comment too specifically when I've only just started reading something, but I think your powers of observation and description are particularly good - the description of the old lady's hand and her feelings about age are poignant and revealing,. You set the scene beautifully in this opening chapter - and what a great idea to have an elderly lady finding her own use for the computer, given to her by a well-meaning younger relative who has no idea where the innocent gift will lead - brilliant! Can't wait to see what lies ahead; best of luck with this
Katie

Hi Charlotte,
This is beautifully written, I was sucked into the world you have created and was keen to read on, even though I am so short of time right now! Jeanne is a well drawn character, I warmed to her immediately. Your voice is strong, and your descriptions are well done. I will definitely come back to this when I have more time and leave further comments, but in the meanwhile, I am putting this on my shelf. Good stuff!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Hello Charlotte,

This is wonderful. Your cover and pitch are enticing. Jeanne is a realastic character who I can understand. Love the fact that she Googles and feel sad when she discovers someone (not sure who it is yet) has died. I presume, maybe wrongly, that Julien is her son. Her labour is described well and not overdone - just the right amount of detail. Ah, and at the end of Chapter 1 we have another mystery. Who is she looking for now? Good cliff hanger.

Just a few points.

Delete silently (tears ran silently - tears are silent. Instead of saying she was old, let that fact come through the wrinkles and gnarled hands which you describe so well.

Never failed to wear, - 'always wore' is postitive and uses less words.

This really is so good and I'm going tohave to put it on my shelf today, which puts me in a dilema, which one am I going to remove?

Good luck with this - I can see it getting to the editors desk.

Best wishes, Joanna.

Hurray, I think I am the first to read and comment.
I love story of relationship. I like it when we meet and become attached to the people we are reading about. These are both elements you have done well in this story. Your writing is easy for me to read, it keeps moving in pace and frankly I like it. I am just a reader. Will back a story I like, slip away saying nothing if I don't. Others will come and help you with any corrections,I am one for the"gut" feeling. And I like it. Putting your book on my shelf.
Barbara
(The Sea Pillow)