But Can You Drink The Water?

Publishers Weekly Review (through ABNA)
With a droll, witty, utterly British voice, this manuscript tackles playfully and sincerely the age-old fish out of water tale. Frank Turner has wrenched his family—-son, Gerry and wife, Mavis —-from their rather ordinary existence in England and is flying them to South Africa, where he has taken a five year contract, on a bit of a whim. At first, the family faces minor and expected inconveniences--geckos mistaken for crocodiles, artificial sun-tanners, burned skin and heat stroke, and African workers mistaken for violent intruders--which culminate in a stalled car full of in-laws facing off against a lion separated from its pride. Much of the novel is taken up by an extended visit by Mavis’s parents--Gert and Walter--and concerns the constant reminder that the family is no longer in England and how strange it is to be in South Africa. The plot is somewhat predictable. The family is visited by Mavis’s sister after the parents return to England, which offers more chances for fish-out-of-water hilarity, and eventually Frank and Mavis and Gerry find their way back to England for the Christmas holidays, discovering, as you might expect, that they are as out of place in England as they were when they first landed in South Africa. What sustains this book, however, is the narrative voice, the dry and self-deprecating humor, and the ability of this author to tell a story simply and well.

Frank, Mavis and Gerry are well-etched, unique, fascinating characters. Your brilliant narrative provides depth to each. No cardboard, cutout characters here. Your descriptions are vibrant. Your lively dialogue rings true. Your abundant humor is fresh and witty. Your pacing is spot on. This is an extremely entertaining comedic story. Backed.

'But Can You Drink the Water must be one of the funniest books I've read. You've got humour down to an art form; Frank, Mavis and Gerry are almost comic caricatures - but not quite! It's a fine line to tread and you manage it perfectly, with enough recognisable truth to allow us to say we've [almost] been there, done that and got the T shirt. I've no idea whether you've got typos or problems with your grammar - I suspect not, but I was too busy laughing to notice. Backed, with thanks for making my day!

Jan
I just wanted to say that I came across this quite at random and how much I admire the skill with which it's done. The juxtaposition of the displaced and rather bewildered scousers and the urban sophistication of SA twenty years ago is beautifully managed, as are the relationships between the black servants and the completely unprepared working-class newcomers. The characters are believable, the backgrouind rock-solid and the dialogue rings all kinds of bells for me. My only thought, and it's about the dating of the plot rather than the writing, is that it would have been more true some 10-15 years earlier when the real flood of artisans and skilled workers poured into SA from UK. By the late 80s everything had got a lot tougher there. Have another think about the title, too.
Of course, what attracted me to this story is that in the mid 70s I went to live there, with my wife and children - and stayed 11 years. I was probably more knowledgable when I went than the Turners, but even I had no idea what an enormous white working-class there was. Do you know the story about the buoys holding up the shark nets?
I won't shelve something that's not complete but it's on my w/l and I wish you luck with it.
Alan (aka Lee)

This is the second one of your books I have read. You are wasted on short stories, this one is perfect! Your observations are priceless, the asides about obtaining luggage with Embassy coupons can only mean that you were there and experienced it. The characters and the dialogue are spot on and the uneasy interactions with South Africans are observational gems. On my shelf and still reading. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hi Jan,

This is fantastic - and so funny. It takes a lot to get me to smile, let alone laugh out loud -but you did it. Your descriptions of this family are spot on. Loved every minute. Of course you've received great reviews. I'm giving you a rare six stars - bravo!

I do hope you'll fill one of your empty shelves with Animal Cracker. Many people find it hilarious!

Best,
Andi

Hilarious and the first few chapters have me gripped. I cant wait to read more .... will comment further as soon as I have

Cx

BUT CAN YOU DRINK THE WATER? ******
Very funny, but sensitive characterisation has you understanding and feeling sympathy at the same time as you're laughing. Warm, vibrant writing and totally enjoyable. I flew through these highly entertaining chapters. Well done! If there are any publishers looking around, then they need look no further: this book is one in a million and not to be missed,
Kind Regards Kat x

This is definantly a great read! It should go far.
Leslie

You got my attention from the start and kept it, way to go! Definately a great read for comoedy enthusiasts.
Leslie Gervais
"Love Has No Borders"

will shelve a.s.a.p.

enjoyable read, well done!

Can You Drink The Water has captured that quintessential British attitude, when confronted by anything foreign, subjective suspicion coupled with morose indifference. Nothing can beat egg and chips and Blackpools pleasure
beach whether the sun is in or out. Great story, with the Turners expecting a herd of elephants to be crossing the runway just as the plane is landing, and Mavis getting frightened by a Zulu in full tribal regalia. The humour is in plentiful supply like Sue Townends The Diary of Adrian Mole.
Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning
No Compatibilty.

This is a brilliant idea. I love the alien culture thing and can't imagine what it must be like to actually have to do as I am extremely set in my ways and love my comfort zone. The opening is perfect, not only is something actually happening but we are right in the middle of the action. I especially liked the dentist chair metaphor as I was in one today and clasping my own hands so tightly whilst being drilled my hands were shaking. Excellent opening with a brilliant pace and perfect dialogue, backed with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Backed with confidence! Tom Ryerson (Carnal Wreckage)

I like this, it's well written and funny and realistic and also moving. This is a family one can bond with very quickly. More than happy to back the book.
BADD

Publishers Weekly Review (through ABNA)
With a droll, witty, utterly British voice, this manuscript tackles playfully and sincerely the age-old fish out of water tale. Frank Turner has wrenched his family—-son, Gerry and wife, Mavis —-from their rather ordinary existence in England and is flying them to South Africa, where he has taken a five year contract, on a bit of a whim. At first, the family faces minor and expected inconveniences--geckos mistaken for crocodiles, artificial sun-tanners, burned skin and heat stroke, and African workers mistaken for violent intruders--which culminate in a stalled car full of in-laws facing off against a lion separated from its pride. Much of the novel is taken up by an extended visit by Mavis’s parents--Gert and Walter--and concerns the constant reminder that the family is no longer in England and how strange it is to be in South Africa. The plot is somewhat predictable. The family is visited by Mavis’s sister after the parents return to England, which offers more chances for fish-out-of-water hilarity, and eventually Frank and Mavis and Gerry find their way back to England for the Christmas holidays, discovering, as you might expect, that they are as out of place in England as they were when they first landed in South Africa. What sustains this book, however, is the narrative voice, the dry and self-deprecating humor, and the ability of this author to tell a story simply and well.

Dear Jan, I love stories with happy endings, even though melodratic - I guess there's a cost in everything. Chosing between my mom & dad (my memoir does end with a good step-dad eventually in my books I'll name below). I liked your blurb which prepared me for your story. It is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

Hi, Jan -

I love this. Frank, Mavis and Gerry are one family that puts the fun back in dysfunctional.

Love the concept of uprooting them and moving them to the ends of the Earth.

Your writing is hysterical!

Delighted to back Drink the Water, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on my book.

Best of luck.

Thanks.

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

Thisis hilarious! Definitely one of the funniest books here and you have a real gift for characterizations! Backed with a smile!

liz
The Cheech Room

Jan, what a relief to meet Frank, Mavis and their surly teenage son after the usual load of vampires and serial killers! The good-natured humour is an excellent substitute for Prozac, and much healthier too. The style is fluid and visual – reading this book is like watching a British sitcom. The characters are not cartoonish as often happens in comedy; they are completely believable beings dealing with the stress of immigration. This was a very enjoyable read that I’ll gladly display on my shelf.

Iva P.
Fame and Infamy

This is a fantastically funny book... just what I needed to break up the afternoon of editing my own stuff. I wish you the very best of luck with it. kind regards pinkcoffee 'In The Moment'

Frank, Mavis and Gerry are well-etched, unique, fascinating characters. Your brilliant narrative provides depth to each. No cardboard, cutout characters here. Your descriptions are vibrant. Your lively dialogue rings true. Your abundant humor is fresh and witty. Your pacing is spot on. This is an extremely entertaining comedic story. Backed.

'But Can You Drink the Water must be one of the funniest books I've read. You've got humour down to an art form; Frank, Mavis and Gerry are almost comic caricatures - but not quite! It's a fine line to tread and you manage it perfectly, with enough recognisable truth to allow us to say we've [almost] been there, done that and got the T shirt. I've no idea whether you've got typos or problems with your grammar - I suspect not, but I was too busy laughing to notice. Backed, with thanks for making my day!

Gerry may be the most realistic teen I have met on this site. And Mavis and Frank would be fun to have over for a few beers. This is as funny as I expected it would be. Wonderfully drawn characters and great detail about Durban -- nicely done!

Liked the sound of the title and pitch so settled in for a read, and I enjoyed it all. This is great - well-written and fun, with terrific observations of both people and places. The people are believable and the dialogue is appropriate. The family interactions and reactions feel authentic and the teenage Gerry is especially well drawn. Many parts made me really laugh -eg. the feet saluting the sky when falling through the chair and so well described too. Needless to say, backed! Carolyn.

I think this serves both as an enjoyable work of fiction which entertains, and as a guide book for prospective ex-pats. You capture the situations the family find themselves in with hilarious clarity, giving us deep insights into each character, and showing how each is coping in a very individual way. The dialogue is just mind-blowing - I kept laughing out loud - and your descriptions of mood and place and feelings are spot-on. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

Very enjoyable. A bit like the Royale Family. You make fascination observations, and your humour is subtle but dry. I like this is book form, but I'd love to see this on screen. Great work.

Andrew

Extremely entertaining and fun. How great to get a good laugh after all the serious reading. So well written and polished. Great job.

Jan
I just wanted to say that I came across this quite at random and how much I admire the skill with which it's done. The juxtaposition of the displaced and rather bewildered scousers and the urban sophistication of SA twenty years ago is beautifully managed, as are the relationships between the black servants and the completely unprepared working-class newcomers. The characters are believable, the backgrouind rock-solid and the dialogue rings all kinds of bells for me. My only thought, and it's about the dating of the plot rather than the writing, is that it would have been more true some 10-15 years earlier when the real flood of artisans and skilled workers poured into SA from UK. By the late 80s everything had got a lot tougher there. Have another think about the title, too.
Of course, what attracted me to this story is that in the mid 70s I went to live there, with my wife and children - and stayed 11 years. I was probably more knowledgable when I went than the Turners, but even I had no idea what an enormous white working-class there was. Do you know the story about the buoys holding up the shark nets?
I won't shelve something that's not complete but it's on my w/l and I wish you luck with it.
Alan (aka Lee)

Found this as I was browsing, and am very glad I did! Read Ch 1-6 A real tonic for a grey day! Masterful use of description, with no superflous words,you capture this subject so well, "showing" not "telling". I can only reiterate what others have said - it's a a great read.Shelved, and I am returning to read more later, Best, Grant.

Hello Jan:
Great opening set in the days when you could still smoke on a plane. I am a retired travel planner who never got over her fear of landings. I really chuckled over this as you so definitely got it right.

If you can't go yourself, read a book, is my motto and I love books set in far away places. This one is such a fun read all the way through. I checked the last chapter and I'm still laughing. What a sense of humour you have. The dialogue and the dialects are priceless. Loved the phrase "tweezer lipped"; so much more expressive than "tight lipped."

You do jump POVs somewhat I notice but that seems to be on purpose. Personally I don't have a problem with an omnisicent perspective myself. Most books were written that way in the old days.

Yes, I love this and it's certainly going on my shelf.

Betty K (The Huguenot's Destiny)

This story caught my interest from the start and had me giggling on the first page. The author has a gift for humor and story-telling, compelling me to read on to the last page.

Jan,

I have read your opening 3 chapters with interest as your pitch suggests a genre not typical of this site. Pulp fiction I suppose or books you only read if there is nothing else and you are stuck in an airport departures lounge.

You have good clear characters, snappy dialogue and a plausible 'fish out of water' premise/plot. Your descriptions are simple and add to the flow of the narrative by being functional. They don't distract the reader from the action of the characters which appears to be the main focus.

Overall the book works well within the genre I undertstand it to be but I would personally have welcomed a bit more insight into the characters . You hint at this at the end of the flight where the wife feels pangs of homesickness, but otherwise this aspect is overlooked in what I read.

I think there is scope for expanding the characters with themes of alienation for the lad, fear of failure perhaps in the father and the homesickness of the mother. The opening three chapters could address the culture shock of arriving in a foreign land for immigration not holiday purposes.
Your chosen medium to portray these elements is comedy and it works well at that level in a 'Terry & June' meets 'Shameless' kind of way. It is reminiscent of Roddy Doyle's Barrytown trilogy but without the deeper undercurrents that he deals with.

Overall I did enjoy it for what it is and I think it has potential and scope to be better and to say something about the experience of immigration.

But in case I have totally missed the point and the above makes no sense in your grand scheme of things, then feel free to ignore my comments. I will back the book on the basis of the potential I see in your tale.

all the best
Stephen

HI Jan,

Was so looking forward to this and was not disappointed. The humour in this book is so witty, being a scouser myself, I picked up on some very subtle "scouse humour".

I love Mavis and Frank, such good MC, funny, normal (ish) and easily identifiable with. Their banter with each other is fab. Mavis taking her diarrhoea pills to the Isle of Man made me laugh, also liked her suspicion that Frank wanted to move to SA for the Bare Breasted Women.

I really warmed to Mavis & Frank as they settled into their strange new world, wanting to try local food (Pyhton casserole anyone???) Loved that they had egg n chips!!

On my shelf again missus ;o)

Love bev x

Hey Jan,

Just read some more and this is shaping up to be really good. I love the humor, but mostly I love the way you write strong, active prose. I think I could just about anything written this way. Well worth a spin on my shelf. I have no advice. You don't need it anyway.

Heidi
Turning Red

Jan,

I love the premise of this story, and from a peek at your first chapter, I'm looking forward to reading more. I like your use of active verbs and colorful descriptions. I've promised others to read their books ahead of you, so to be fair, I must add this to my WL and return asap.

Heidi
Turning Red

Hi Jan. Your comment on ROYAL FLUSH is by far the best I’ve received on this site. I know already that I’ll be taking several of your suggestions. One thing, though, about the oversized goat--my book actually contains many such errors. For instance, colic isn't contagious, so it would be unlikely for an entire stable of horses to get it at once. Also, you certainly wouldn't ride a horse with colic. These errors are intentional. They're referred to tangentially near the end of "The King of Diamonds", and I'm also planning a sequel to ROYAL FLUSH that capitalizes on them.

I enjoyed the first chapter of BUT CAN YOU DRINK THE WATER?. The humour is very understated, which I love, and it's used deftly to explore the personalities of each of the characters. My main suggestion would be to carefully search your manuscript for unnecessary words, and remove them. Also, I'd be careful of humourous asides. Many of yours are done well, and you should keep those, but I've pointed out at least one instance below which doesn't add much to the plot or the comedy.

As I read Chapter One I typed my comments and suggestions, which I've pasted below. I hope they are helpful in some way.

Paragraph One

“The cigarette clamped firmly” I am the word slayer, and my critiques usually consist of an assault on words I think are unnecessary. Here, “firmly” can be removed, since the word “clamped” already implies a sure grip.

“the continuation of the chain he’d begun eighteen hours earlier” As “continuation” is a bit of a clunker for the first paragraph of a humour novel, I’d suggest some alternatives: maybe “seventeenth in the chain”, or “latest of the chain”.

P. Two

“the cloudless blue sky erupted into brown earth” When this plays out in my mind’s eye, the word “eruption” doesn’t seem to fit. Maybe if there were some clouds through which the ground could “erupt” through, but I still don’t think it would feel quite right.

“The toilet door remained firmly closed.” I think this “firmly” can go, too. The door is either closed or ajar—I couldn’t picture the door being “loosely” closed.

P. Three

“fourteen tiring hours in the air.” The lower wattage of her smile tells us the hours were tiring—so there’s no need for the actual word to be there. And I do like the notion of her smile being measured in watts.

P. Four

“but sneaked a few last drags” and “equated with her having walked the six thousand miles from England to South Africa” Both these made me smile.

“Reluctantly he stubbed out his cigarette” We already know he’s reluctant; I’d take out “Reluctantly”.

“Fraught with tension, anxiety clenched his buttocks, jaw and fists.” This is probably just personal preference, but I would say, “Fraught with anxiety, he clenched his buttocks, jaw and fists.”

P. Nine

I’m finding a number of your adverbs superfluous—this is often the case with adverbs. I’d take “fiercely” out of “Frank snapped, poking Gerry fiercely in the ribs.” The severity of the poke is already denoted by Frank’s mood (which in turn is denoted by the fact that he “snapped”), and by Gerry’s scowl.

P. Eleven

“winkle-pickers” Winkle what-now?

P. Twelve

“What d’you think I’ve been doing – quilting a bloody bedspread?” LOL

P. Fourteen

“a reminder that diarrhoea made the contraceptive pill ineffective” Also lol.

P. Fifteen

“subterranean depths” The depths of her bag are currently about as not subterranean as you can get and still remain on Earth. I’d go with just “depths”.

P. Twenty-One

“culminated in Frank’s conjugal rights being severely curtailed.” I foresee much humour pertaining to Frank’s conjugal rights. I approve.

P. Twenty-Seven

“‘Didn’t knock down no elephants on the runway either.’” Like another of your commenters has said, you’re very good at showing. Mavis’ remark is an excellent precursor to their clueless, uninformed approach to Africa.

P. Twenty-Nine

“an advance guard of incorrigible passengers” “incorrigible” doesn’t seem like the right word here—“impatient” would be more appropriate.

“bleary-eyed and blank-faced passengers” I’d use another word for passengers here, especially if you’re going to keep it earlier in the paragraph. How about “travelers”?

“shuffle wearily” The bleary eyes and blank faces already speak of their weariness—no need to name it.

P. Thirty-Four

“Suddenly they were stepping past the stiff-jawed smile of the hostess” This may be a personal preference/stylistic thing, but I try to reserve the word “suddenly” for instances in which it’s really effective. This doesn’t really feel sudden because it was expected to happen.

P. Thirty-Five

“Frank shrugged…checking the Ernie Bonds.” This sentence, I think, needs to be broken into multiple sentences. It’s long and cumbersome, which is okay if it lends itself to comic effect, but I don’t think it does here.

P. Forty-Two

“whose stern face made him feel like a criminal for failing to reveal the mole on his bum.” Nice comment on the absurdity of airport security.

P. Forty-Four

“Gerry’s battered haversack, conspicuous by the fluorescent yellow stripes insisted on by the schoolmaster who’d taken his class on a hiking trip to the Lake District and been in peril of losing down a ravine” This is confusing.

“because Clive, who could get anything cheap if it was for himself but immediately lost all his contacts if it was for anyone else” To me, this is a little too tangential to be interesting or funny. It doesn’t pertain to any of the characters we’ve met—who is Clive? What does he do for a living? Maybe if we had a little more context.

P. Forty-Six

“‘I could do with putting me feet up, and a good cuppa,’ Mavis complained” This doesn’t strike me as complaining exactly—and even if it did, I’d be able to tell it was complaining without the speaker tag that says “complained”. I’d just go with “Mavis said”.

Scott Bartlett
ROYAL FLUSH

Hello Jan,

You are now on my shelf. Good luck.

Joanna

You show very well. Instead of telling us this family are at loggerhead you SHOW us, how and why. This is excellent. You've set up things very well for the horrors that await them in South Africa. How will they react to the heat and wildlife?

On my watch list untill I get room on my shelf.

Best of luck with this,

Joanna

This is the second one of your books I have read. You are wasted on short stories, this one is perfect! Your observations are priceless, the asides about obtaining luggage with Embassy coupons can only mean that you were there and experienced it. The characters and the dialogue are spot on and the uneasy interactions with South Africans are observational gems. On my shelf and still reading. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

I enjoyed the story, especially ch. 9 with the snake. Your characters are believable and interesting. Thanks for a great read.