The Laptop Dancer Diaries

I like the premise of this book. The narrator has a very believable voice. It's very funny so far. I especially like the little speech from Laptop Guy!

No doubt this will be compared to Diablo Cody; that's how she started her career. But you have that unqiue of being older. I LOVED what I read. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Inspired title and cover. Light, chatty, and amusing adventures. Commercial. Backed. Lynn

This is quite an unusual book, and your pitch promises a plot with lots of fun and interest. You start off well, with your three point plan, for adventure, date and writing every month. You head straight into the centre of your plans, with the marathon and the date with Allen. Alas, Allen is too like your ex, and you have to fall back on Chet, who doesn't come up to standard either, although we feel we know them well by the time you've let us meet them and hear them talk. Can it be that Michael will be the one you fall in love with, in the end? Well, that would be nice, if so. This is all very funny and enjoyable. Your characters are well drawn and believable, and your writing is smooth and easy-to-read. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Backed January 24.

Jesse - Savant

Your pitch is spot on and your prologue is fantastic! I don't dole out those kinds of compliments easily so please commence feeling flattered! While I don't have time to sit down and read the whole thing right now, I have placed your book on my shelf to definitely read later. I love your witty writing style. There is definitely a market out there for this - don't give up! It takes real comedic talent to keep up this kind of wit for an entire book and I'm hopeful that you've pulled it off. If so, you definitely deserve to rise to the top of this site. Best of luck! :)

HAHA, HILARIOUS. I'm working on Flirting with Disaster (excerpts on my blog will be uploaded here soon) and plan to put it out on Kindle for ebook only before summer time... I must say this read is right up my alley. GREAT WORK!

Hi Yvette, I believe the writer is very honest (except when she writes for Laptop Guy), and that she makes friends wherever she goes. The search for love here ends up with a lot of like and well-told characters. It’s funny and realistic – Allen going away and Tom and Rick being an enigma. The adventures are more than most people try at – a good vicarious read. Shelved – Katherine

This will appeal to many and it's written with candour, humour and wit. Easy to read with a confessional style that allows you to get to know the characters quickly. When you write like this it is sure that many people will see aspects of themselves in the characters and that is a great hook to keep 'em reading! Backed! Tania This Last Summer

I am sitting here with a stupid grin on my face. Your writing is charming, sweet and funny. I could feel this. I love the set up of each chapter. I am not done reading but wanted to stop and let you know that I am thoroughly enjoying this little piece of pie. The humor is really what has me. You are witty and fun. Is clear through your writing.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Hi TL, Thanks for the review! I see Seeking Eleanor is at #2! Even your profile is unique and witty, so I'm sure the book is great. I tried to read, but got an error... looks like perhaps you're in the midst of an update. But I was able to back the book and will to it when I have the chance.

I am sitting here with a stupid grin on my face. Your writing is charming, sweet and funny. I could feel this. I love the set up of each chapter. I am not done reading but wanted to stop and let you know that I am thoroughly enjoying this little piece of pie. The humor is really what has me. You are witty and fun. Is clear through your writing.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

This is really funny mostly because the voice is strongly written. I would take out the prologue which doesnt jive with the rest of the style and is off-putting. I skipped to Ch 14 to see what happened but it was only June - dang!
Wonder where you're going with this now?
Hope you can take a peak at LAst Tango
un beso

Oops! Actually Ch 14 was a repeat of Ch 7. The book actually ends at Ch 13. Thanks for letting me know. I've deleted the accidental Ch 14!

I did note some punctuation errors but that is irrelevant -- this is a fun read and I hope it does well! Thank you for the opportunity.

-- Hi Tom.. If it's not too late, I'd be very interested in any punctuation errors that you've found. I'm trying to clean this up as best as possible for self-publishing. I can't afford an editor right now, so any editing advice is very much appreciated.

This is really funny mostly because the voice is strongly written. I would take out the prologue which doesnt jive with the rest of the style and is off-putting. I skipped to Ch 14 to see what happened but it was only June - dang!
Wonder where you're going with this now?
Hope you can take a peak at LAst Tango
un beso

Hi Yvette. What a great idea for a book. . . Very insightful funny and interesting. It flowed very well and the three resolutions were a genius idea. Might try the adventure a month thing myslf ;-)
All the best
Grace - Suitcase of Memories

Being a guy, I wasn't sure what to make of this story when I dove into it, especially considering this is not a genre I would typically read. But I have to say, the writing is breezy, your MC is charming the hell out of me (especially since I, too, am 47 yo), and your turns of phrases are clever. (I did laugh at the line about men eight years your junior = dying at the same time.) I did note some punctuation errors but that is irrelevant -- this is a fun read and I hope it does well! Thank you for the opportunity.

As a male, I found this fascinating.. much more revealing and interesting than "Bridget Jones"... I love the diary format. I've only read 2 chapters... but will read more. It's great.
Frank

Hehe, I loved the funny, conversational tone of this; it was like sitting down with a friend for a glass of wine and a good gossip. Structured well, and something a lot of people will enjoy! Backed.

Awwwww. I read right through the end of chapter 14. I back your book!

Hi Yvette, What a great open read of your thoughts, and good conversation lines, it is believable - non fiction.
The story line is fun to read. Would you swap a read with my novel The Cats Who've Come To Stay (not quite what you first might think, it starts in the Rocky Mountains, Ft. Collins). Thank you, enjoyed. RobynAnne

Yvette

OK girl....Fezz up.....It's way past January 2009...(you've had your year).......Did you do it ?

I loved this, its such an easy read....It made me laugh....and smile,, and sigh....

I write comedy, so I dont always do a good job of taking things seriously......My depressed friend joined a dating agency.....She got in touch with this guy, he was rich, handsome, single, no greedy ex wife, owned a massive house...What more could a girl want? ....She set out to meet him.....What he didn't tell her was that he was 3ft 6inches tall.....ha ha ha ha.....I laughed and laughed and laughed.....and she howled and howled and told me I had no compassion.....Which I have, I just also had a vision of her lifting him onto the chair next to her.....

To business........a well written piece which I'd be happy to buy....I'll read more.......

shelved with a smile.

Yes just the book that so many readers love- emotional and identifiable. A winner backed!

Yasmin
The god equation

The Laptop Dancer Diaries

Hi Yvette,

You have really got the voice for this off to a tee, the conversational tone is a great pull and I think the diary format works well here. You write like we are sitting next to you and this is something that readers of this genre will appreciate very much. You have a lovely observational eye which picks up tiny details and explores both the internal and external world in an interesting way. This first three chapters that I read flew by so you are doing many things right. Like all of our work on this site, it could do with a little edit here and there, the babbling sometimes seems a little discursive. But absolutely worthy of a space on my shelf, well done and best wishes. This should do well on this site.

Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

This going to strike so many chords with so many people Yvette. The life plan is a clever way to introduce the character quickly too. Very well written and very relevant. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

I like the style. I think its marketable. the peotry is aweaome. Shelved.

Yvette,

I've been reading, and enjoying a lot of chick-lit and your title was intriguing so I thought I'd give this a go.

Here's how I do this. I look at short and long pitches and at least the first three chapters (unless your chapters are very long, I may count a prologue as a chapter too, depending on length). I write my comments as I go. I'll tell you what I like, but if I think there are places that improvements can be made, I'll tell you that as well. If I do make suggestions, please remember I'm just another amateur wannabe, so obviously ignore anything that doesn't resonate with you!

Your long pitch is great (though have you considered breaking it into, say, three shorter paragraphs to aid reading?) and like to see more of that tone in the short pitch.

I like the conversational tone of your opening, and yes I recognise the type (I'm not going to admit to being one . . . but).

There's little not to like in the prologue. Your writing is confident and the tone, just right--and voice is so important in the chick-lit genre. Love the paranthetical comment: "I won't go into that".

My only nit-pick is on the paragraph where your husband says he wants a divorce. I feel this could be broken into several short paragraphs, alternating the thoughs and actions belonging to him, with those belonging to you. Short paragraphs will also, in my opinion, have more impact.

And, of course, you end the prologue with a goal: Inevitable, given the way you opened.

Chapter one opens from Laptop Guy's PoV--neat,--then moves to resolutions and goals. A well set out plan. What could go wrong?

The first paragraph is another one I'd split (probably into three, inserting breaks before each of the Michaels).

I love the business around F**k, totally consistent with the voice and a nice touch.

The entry for January 5, has a stray paragraph break (this may be an issue with loading to Authonomy, sometimes happens).

From January 8 it seems to me that Brett, fancies "you"--and sure enough, that's the case.

I like the mention of the PB for the half, would be out of character not to mention it!

Into February and the same style (but then I knew it would be). I read through this month without taking a single note.

This is a great read, and I'm giving it a spin on my shelf.

Yvette - you've got a great style and personality for you MC. I could hear her voice as a voice over in a movie - fast paced, scheduled - except you can't schedule life - always surprises. I immediately felt for her and the tone she has - almost comic, optimistic despite her problems.

Chapter two introduces her to a world many singles know all too well - on-line dating. You have a lot of potential and have some obstacles typical of the single / dating scene. It's a charming read - I'm guessing this is sort of like an American version of Brigette Jone's Diaries. Any way - loved it. The title is a nice little pun that hooked me to start reading. Best of luck with it.

A lovely start. A warm, honest and funny heroine (hope she found love?!). In a light way, there's some profound stuff here - about planning. Will back it.

Hi Yvette,
Wonderful to read, I enjoyed it. Now, remember that I'm no writer, and I have never read Brigit Jones Diary or any similiar chick lit, so feel free to ignore this ;-)

I wonder if you should move some of the explanation in the prologue to the story. Many people don't read prologues, and the story starts right out with Michael and FB without really introducing them. As a diary, of course it makes sense, but as a story it seems like the characters pop in without introduction sometimes.

You talk about the writing contest where you wrote about you and FB's first date, but you don't actually repeat the wonderful story I saw in your blog in the story (unless I missed it). To me, not only was that great and very funny writing, but it would be great background for your story.

Where you first have your para "My goal is to have at least one *real* date… I will be in love", as the thesis it might go better near the front of the chapter.

You use lots of ( )'s. Now I use ( )'s about every other sentence, myself, but then I'm no writer, and I don't usually see them in professional writing. (I dont' know why, I just love the things ;-> )

I wonder if you could do more with Laptop guy. To me, his personality doesn't come out as much as it might. How does he feel when his keys aren't getting stroked as often (guys are so sensitive about that). Is he conflicted? ;->

I can see the conflict between keeping this a diary and making it more structured so people get a better handle on the characters.

I love the angel/devil bits. I love your explanation of yourself as list and goal-obsessed, but that's all in the prologue, I wonder how you'd work it into the story?

I'm assuming you'll put the bit from your blog about "love dust" into later chapters? I cried when i read that.. beautiful.

That's all for now. Can't wait to read the rest.

Vic

Great Critique, Vic! Thanks! I think you have a lot of really good suggestions. That essay shows up in April, but I'm thinking of removing it... I think it might be too long. It will be good to get your sense on that.

Most people want to see more of Laptop Guy, but...there's only so many innuendos a Laptop can make! I used to have him in more, but I started repeating my puns, and I settled on a once-a-month commentary. He does come up here and there in the story line, though.

I should be able to easily follow your other great suggestions... more of an introduction to Michael, less of a prologue, more goal-setting-list-making-freakish behavior, (and, of course, pare down the parenthesis.) Thanks for taking the time to do this. I've got your new one on my list to take a look at tonight. I'd love to read a few clothes-ripping scenes, but work calls... I'll try and start it tonight! (I'm also trying to reciprocate with others that have commented, so I've got a lot of reading to do!)

haha yay! a fellow 'net' writer! Love it!
Am so backing this! Great writing!
Best wishes
Gerri
Internet Liaisons

Hi Yvette,
Wonderful to read, I enjoyed it. Now, remember that I'm no writer, and I have never read Brigit Jones Diary or any similiar chick lit, so feel free to ignore this ;-)

I wonder if you should move some of the explanation in the prologue to the story. Many people don't read prologues, and the story starts right out with Michael and FB without really introducing them. As a diary, of course it makes sense, but as a story it seems like the characters pop in without introduction sometimes.

You talk about the writing contest where you wrote about you and FB's first date, but you don't actually repeat the wonderful story I saw in your blog in the story (unless I missed it). To me, not only was that great and very funny writing, but it would be great background for your story.

Where you first have your para "My goal is to have at least one *real* date… I will be in love", as the thesis it might go better near the front of the chapter.

You use lots of ( )'s. Now I use ( )'s about every other sentence, myself, but then I'm no writer, and I don't usually see them in professional writing. (I dont' know why, I just love the things ;-> )

I wonder if you could do more with Laptop guy. To me, his personality doesn't come out as much as it might. How does he feel when his keys aren't getting stroked as often (guys are so sensitive about that). Is he conflicted? ;->

I can see the conflict between keeping this a diary and making it more structured so people get a better handle on the characters.

I love the angel/devil bits. I love your explanation of yourself as list and goal-obsessed, but that's all in the prologue, I wonder how you'd work it into the story?

I'm assuming you'll put the bit from your blog about "love dust" into later chapters? I cried when i read that.. beautiful.

That's all for now. Can't wait to read the rest.

Vic

Great Critique, Vic! Thanks! I think you have a lot of really good suggestions. That essay shows up in April, but I'm thinking of removing it... I think it might be too long. It will be good to get your sense on that.

Most people want to see more of Laptop Guy, but...there's only so many innuendos a Laptop can make! I used to have him in more, but I started repeating my puns, and I settled on a once-a-month commentary. He does come up here and there in the story line, though.

I should be able to easily follow your other great suggestions... more of an introduction to Michael, less of a prologue, more goal-setting-list-making-freakish behavior, (and, of course, pare down the parenthesis.) Thanks for taking the time to do this. I've got your new one on my list to take a look at tonight. I'd love to read a few clothes-ripping scenes, but work calls... I'll try and start it tonight! (I'm also trying to reciprocate with others that have commented, so I've got a lot of reading to do!)

I've read all uploaded chapters, Yvette. This is a clever idea, and very well-executed. Even the title is a hoot! The idea that divorce was not on your "to do" list is an early clue that you're finding humour in some pretty awful situations. You achieve a nice balance, with scenes like the birthday cake decorated for you by Scotty adding a tenderness to the mix.

Best of luck with this.

Shelved.

Hi Yvette,
Wonderful to read, I enjoyed it. Now, remember that I'm no writer, and I have never read Brigit Jones Diary or any similiar chick lit, so feel free to ignore this ;-)

I wonder if you should move some of the explanation in the prologue to the story. Many people don't read prologues, and the story starts right out with Michael and FB without really introducing them. As a diary, of course it makes sense, but as a story it seems like the characters pop in without introduction sometimes.

You talk about the writing contest where you wrote about you and FB's first date, but you don't actually repeat the wonderful story I saw in your blog in the story (unless I missed it). To me, not only was that great and very funny writing, but it would be great background for your story.

Where you first have your para "My goal is to have at least one *real* date… I will be in love", as the thesis it might go better near the front of the chapter.

You use lots of ( )'s. Now I use ( )'s about every other sentence, myself, but then I'm no writer, and I don't usually see them in professional writing. (I dont' know why, I just love the things ;-> )

I wonder if you could do more with Laptop guy. To me, his personality doesn't come out as much as it might. How does he feel when his keys aren't getting stroked as often (guys are so sensitive about that). Is he conflicted? ;->

I can see the conflict between keeping this a diary and making it more structured so people get a better handle on the characters.

I love the angel/devil bits. I love your explanation of yourself as list and goal-obsessed, but that's all in the prologue, I wonder how you'd work it into the story?

I'm assuming you'll put the bit from your blog about "love dust" into later chapters? I cried when i read that.. beautiful.

That's all for now. Can't wait to read the rest.

Vic

Yvette,
You might want to rethink the concept. When it's a running diary, a near-blog of fairly true events, then it should be classified as non-fiction. You can get away with more: you don't need a story arc (though you still need to engage the reader). Chapters can be more loosey-goosey, and the conversational tone can work.
I also suggest that you might take that fun paragraph from the POV of the laptop (the start of Chapter 1) and put it before the Prologue. And then please, cut the prologue down to the essential facts. Keeping the humor of course, but at this length, you may lose your reader.
I'd like to revisit if/when you consider reworking it as non-fiction.
All best,
Kimberly

Hi Kimberly,
I appreciate the candid feedback! Great to get a constructive criticisms. It actually is non-fiction. I classified it as memoir. (Of course my Laptop doesn't really talk...so some parts are purely for humor.) And there is a story arc, but maybe hard to tell at first. I like your ideas and will rework prologue.

I wasn't sure what you meant at first about "reworking as non-fiction" but I think I understand that you are suggesting a change the genre setting. I see the memoir genre is no longer listed! So, yes, I just re-did the genre to non-fiction (though... I think I'd really classify it as "creative non-fiction" since I do take some liberties!)

Thanks, again, for the critique!

Yvette,
You might want to rethink the concept. When it's a running diary, a near-blog of fairly true events, then it should be classified as non-fiction. You can get away with more: you don't need a story arc (though you still need to engage the reader). Chapters can be more loosey-goosey, and the conversational tone can work.
I also suggest that you might take that fun paragraph from the POV of the laptop (the start of Chapter 1) and put it before the Prologue. And then please, cut the prologue down to the essential facts. Keeping the humor of course, but at this length, you may lose your reader.
I'd like to revisit if/when you consider reworking it as non-fiction.
All best,
Kimberly

Hi Kimberly,
I appreciate the candid feedback! Great to get a constructive criticisms. It actually is non-fiction. I classified it as memoir. (Of course my Laptop doesn't really talk...so some parts are purely for humor.) And there is a story arc, but maybe hard to tell at first. I like your ideas and will rework prologue. What do you mean by reworking it as non-fiction?

Yvette,
You might want to rethink the concept. When it's a running diary, a near-blog of fairly true events, then it should be classified as non-fiction. You can get away with more: you don't need a story arc (though you still need to engage the reader). Chapters can be more loosey-goosey, and the conversational tone can work.
I also suggest that you might take that fun paragraph from the POV of the laptop (the start of Chapter 1) and put it before the Prologue. And then please, cut the prologue down to the essential facts. Keeping the humor of course, but at this length, you may lose your reader.
I'd like to revisit if/when you consider reworking it as non-fiction.
All best,
Kimberly

Hi this was really good. Reminded me of Bridget Jones. I love it. It is personal and real just the sort I think I enjoy. Great writing! Stephanie (Emily-Jayne)

Hey Yvette.
Shelving your book for future reading. I love it!

Hey! This is so much fun.I like that use poems, emails, lists and mix it in with your diary - it makes it more personal. I think I smiled the whole way through this. Laptop guy is fab - sleek ,sexy and easily turned on (it really is a shame he's only a laptop!!)

I am looking forward to finding out what happens at the end of the experiment, if nothing else at least she can release a calander at the end of the year - dating disasters (maybe!!) ;o)

Love bev x
Thicker Than Water & Love Overboard

You know I love this project. Makes me laugh every single time I read it. Shelving you on principle alone.

Hiya!

I really enjoyed this! Your prologue drew me in and kept my attention; it made me want to read the book to see if you achieved your goals! This has a Bridget Jones' Diary feel to it and i think you will have a huge market! It is witty, easy to read and dare i say many women will relate to it! Love the 'laptop guy' I think that is what my laptop has become! January's guy -- what a pig!

Happy to back this, best of luck!

Valentina x

Hi there,
The title of this caught my eye and then I saw you in the forum so I thoght I'd pop over.
I like your premise here, so often books in this genre seem to be aimed at all the young things or all the oldies! Well, that's what I seem to find.
I like your sense of hunour, this is fresh and crisp and I found myself smiling. Iwas happy to read on and this is the kind of book I would buy to take on holiday with me.
IMO, you write well, but then I don't tend to nit-pick the technical stuff. I like your set up, you have a strong narrative voice and your writing rings true, if that makes sense?
I will be back to read more when I can but in the meanwhile, from the strength of what I've seen so far, this is SHELVED. Good job!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)