The Hand of Yemanjá

Read till ch 3. Your writing is poetic and the words you use are enough to immerse us into that time and age.
Great protag with Lydia and her heart breaking departure.

Lydia is almost numb in pain, she's just observing what's going on without really being aware of her emotions (yet) and that makes her very real.

Glad to shelve
Dania (The It! Refugee)

What lovely writing. Backed with pleasure! Would value your comments on 'Graemor' if you have a moment.

J&M Jensen
(Graemor)

The Hand of Yemenja...

I'm definitely backing this. I love it; it's the kind of writing that I would savour. Your writing voice speaks to me and I love your use of metaphor. I would love to have time to read all you've uploaded and will be back to read more in August.

Watch out for the word 'just'--we tend to overuse it.

Meanwhile, shelved without a qualm.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions)

The Hand of Yemanja...

Commenting as I read along...

I liked your pitch, but for an agent, I think you should start with your MC, who is she? What does she want? What obstacles will she encounter? And then a hint about resolution. This, supposedly, is the winning formula, but don't use my pitch as an example, because I'm pitch-challenged.

Your opening chapter reveals that you are a literary writer. Your prose is lyrical and you have a unique voice. I think this is what agents and publishers are looking for.

I have a question about c.1, rather than a nit. You use the Watching Syndrome a lot for Lydia (i.e., she watched, she saw, she listened, she heard, etc.) This can distance the reader, but perhaps you're using it intentionally here. If you're not, then it's something to think about.

I do have one nit: sentences beginning with And...no problem, as long as you don't overuse them. My friend, Karen McLaughlin, whose novel From The Distance will come out this fall (Doubleday Canada) was asked by her editor to remove most of hers.

This is beautiful writing...please come back and promote this novel.

Reading on...

THE HAND OF YEMANJA (Claudio Tapia)
Interesting premise combined with a flare for description and use of words gives this novel a real chance for publication.
Has already been backed, and good wishes for it.
mch
http://mclementhall.com

Hi again,

I have enjoyed what I have read. It is certainly well written.

I will put it on my watch list.

Is the novel yet complete?

James Walker

Claudio,

Breathtaking writing. very visual. Interesting story. Well worth a turn on my shelf.

Heidi

Hi Claudio,

Loved the pitch. Your prose is poetic; you certainly have a way with words. Beautiful imagery. This is captivating and thoroughly enjoyable.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Very nicely written story. Your prose is very steady, purposeful and beautiful, like the liner at sea. Well done and shelved.
Eric

I like the idea that Lydia will always be a foreigner wherever she goes. I like the idea of Edmilce entering her life like contraband in CH16 too. Some very poetic descriptions throughout but how about neatening the opening line with "The sky was a calm, tear-choked, glassy black" ? In some places the writing does seem a little cluttered (I suffer from the same passionate greed for words!) and I think the pace of the story would benefit from a little trim here and there. I think we've had to trim our manuscript about five times already and will probably still edit some more so please don't feel discouraged! Other than that little nitpick, very enjoyable.

M&J

A good pitch that hints at times more than it tells. Historical fiction is a, must be read, for me and this didn't disappoint. Lyrical writing which is delightful and superb imagery. You create cameos, 'drown into the sea all by itself' and 'half veil morning', lovely.
Your atmospheric style placed us into the era with ease. On my shelf with pleasure.
I too write of bygone ages and have to be careful to use appropriate words, so I'm not sure about 'slosh' in the puddles. Also one missing word, I think, 'as a young ?' Enjoyed this so look forward to reading on. Margaret.
Candles in the Garden &
The Spirit of the Butterfly.

I like your prose style. It's lyrical, beautiful, and evocative. There's a lot of good writing here, but it seems (to me) to get off to a bit of a slow start.

Of course, I'm only a few chapters in. Good stuff so far.

Dear Claudio,

Lydia has one fascinating mind. The dominos of the luggage, the math of the pieces, the ground that the luggage touches.

"the coil of human circumstance" on that fragment alone, this book should be shelved!

The statement about the farming folk in a perpetual state of panic, making sense of themselves in the face of changing times. Heady, amazing, insightful writing

"looking vacant eager … as the rest of them." Who, exactly, are the rest of them? All the passengers? The farmers?
The last refrain of Ch 1, Lydia adept at crossing eagerly while discarding on a whim, while still hinting of her connection to the Ligurian mountains – just amazing writing.

nitpick: "photograph of herself as a young[ster]"
love the phrase, "memories would always keep her back straight"

Ch 3: I'm missing the concept of Benedetta acting brutish. Neither her reply, nor her manner, seems all that uncivilized.
Why does B. reassure D. with "I'm sure you will do just fine." What preceded that statement?
"real head turner" is that too modern a term for 1905? What about "painting the town red?"

Poetic, lyrical writing. I'll be back to find out more about how well Buenos Aires treats Lydia. Shelved with great enthusiasm.

Claudio

Beautiful, atmospheric start. I loved the "half veil" mourning.

Here are my nitpicks from the first 3 chapters:
Passengers' list - I think this should be "passenger list"
Delete the comma between "last" and "cold"
Delete "soon" from "she would soon no longer recognise."
..cabin - cabin number... - delete 2nd cabin
"...bottom[,]"
"...no problem[,]"

Overall I liked this very much. The writing is fairly tight and the story enthrauling.
Good luck
Chris (I Dare You)

You have a lovely way with words, almost musical. I think you wonderful story would be stronger though if you started off with a scene, not narrative. It is not a hard fix. Good luck C.P.

Claudio

I really like the feel you have going on here with the cover and pitch. It’s atmospheric and I’m immediately pulled to Lydia and want to know more about her.

And you carry it on. You have a fine, easy reading prose; beautifully crafted paragraphs and well-painted imagery pulls me right in there. Even though the sentences are a little word-weighty in parts (just my opinion) this still flows really well. By Chapter 2 I’m settled into your style. And I’m interested by meeting the two girls and I curious about them and their story to follow. Oh, and great ending to Ch3.

I really like the short chapters too. This help the flow and I get the ‘oh, just one more’ bug. So, you’ll see me back here again…

So, I reckon you have a great read, here. No real complaints – just the suggestion to cut back a little in the final polish. I can see this doing well.

So, I think you know by now that this is on my shelf with my best wishes.
Thanks for a refreshing read.
David (Green Ore)

for some reason short chapters make me happy. I like the first line and you manage turn of the century well. Shelved.

Lovely opening - am watchlisting you for an indepth read later on! Feel free to watchlist back if youw ant to read swap?

Joanna
(Graemor)

Claudio,
I just love your story! Your pitch is excellent and of what I have read so far. You put me right there, as if I am her. You make me wonder...will Lydia always feel like a foreigner or will she find herself once and for all in a place, and with people, that will still her wayward soul...a happy ending. Great!
Tammy
The Chimney Still Stands

Claudio,
This is clean and crisp writing. You have a talent to describe a scene, even the best author's descriptions sometimes get a little dull for me, for you though, this was not the case.
"A young couple crossed her field of vision; entwined, looking vacantly eager and as unprepared as the rest of them. She watched children darting about them, cut and groomed like tidy monks, and hoisted into the best rags that economic hardship would allow."
Your pitch was what brought me here, it was, as JD previously stated, professional, so good job there.
I think that a rank in the top 100 would be far more befitting this fine effort, so i'm shelving you.

Regards,

Mark H

Claudio,

You have as professional a pitch as I have seen here (and I always comment on the pitch of books I read).

The language is immediately poetic. Every word is well chosen and the sentences flow smoothly.

My only comment on the opening is one of personal preference: I don't like a view-point character introduced by pronoun, I find it makes it harder to slide into the view (may just be me). Thus, I'd prefer if your second paragraph began "A woman..."

Still, this is not even a nit-pick, merely a matter of taste.

Simply your first chapter may be short, but it is a thing of beauty. My favourite snippet is:

"...this is how she already knew she would also always be a foreigner, no matter where she went"

Another quibble, at the beginning of chapter two you use the word ship twice in close proximity - and then threw me - for a second - by immediately after the second occurence using the pronoun "she", which I first took to apply to the ship. Sorry, this is such a minor point, but your words flow so smoothly that any minor bump draws more attention than it might in lesser prose.

Once again the chapter is short but perfectly formed. Your word choice is exquisite. I doubt "scrimmage" would be many people's first choice, but it is the ideal word where you use it.

It is in chapter three that we first learn the heroine's name - Lydia - and see your dialogue. This to is good, with an appropriate period feel, and old fashioned constructions.

And only a writer, would note the absence of gerunds. And I have no doubt that you are a fine writer.

In the final sentence of the final paragraph of the third chapter, you write:

"Maybe she had been right all along, for may[be], just maybe there was some grander reason..."

Did you mean for the "may" to be a "maybe"?

This is wonderfully written. It is mainly narrative, and there's little "action" - and yet I was enthralled.

Shelved.

Dear Claudio, everything Italian draws me in. Just a whiff of Italy and I'm there. However when I got here I was offered so much more. Sestius said it reads as if it has actually been published. I would echo that because I felt the real feelgood factor i get when I have found a book that I am definitely going to hide away with and ignore my family for. Your poetic way of writing is captivating, entrancing, so well delivered. Shelved and looking forward to seeing it on shop shelves. Well done
Hilary waters (The Piazza)

The scary thing is, Claudio, this actually reads as if it has already been published. I can see myself actually reading this in the queue at Waterstone's... Cracking title, great pitch (seriously), and an acute elegance to your prose that is quite delicious. Your opening chpt (although so short), really drew me in. To me, this is *voice*, and you do it rather well. Shelved, old chap, without reservation. Best of luck with it - sestius

Hi Claudio

This is beautifully written- you are a wordsmith. I feel I am not qualified to crit this wonderful ms, and thus wish you every success with it.

Happy to shelve for a while.

Elaina
Gathering of Rain

The Hand of Yemanja

Hi Claudio, I love this writing, beautiful, evocative, engaging and downright clever. I love the title as well, you promise so much with this Claudio and everything I have read here delivers. My only query is why is it dropping down the charts at the moment, perhaps because you do not currently have the time to read as many books on authonomy as you would like. I like your style and this was backed in an instant, from that first line, we learn so much here about her, from her observations as much as from any direction.

Great stuff - Andrew W.

Hello Claudio,

Stories about immigrants who turned their backs on an old life to start life anew in strange and distant lands have always fascinated me. That is, from The Godfather to Mortal Friends. You wrote a fascinating story about a brave era, the time that the new world was being flooded by dreaming immigrants from continental Europe and Argentina was considered as an Eldorado. Settling and prospering involved intrigues, hard work and good luck. You did a good job portraying that here.

The plot is captivating and the story flows smoothly, which is a plus for a story set a century ago. Your characters are true to life and your mastery of the era makes the story credible. With a little tightening, your story will shine a lot brighter. This is a story I am glad to back.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Claudio.
I too liked the lyrical quality to your writing and your unique take on Lydia's life and circumstances. I would have liked more indication of her emotions on leaving her home and family, she seemed instead to do a lot of philosophising. I think you could paint her in a more personal way, to me she seemed rather remote.
I liked her interaction with the Scazzo sisters, they were quite delightfully catty, and I approved of the fact that you'd given her some backbone. At first I feared she was going to be some timid little mouse but no, thankfully she was not cowed by the sisters' initial unfriendliness.
There are some editing issues here, some overdescription, and in ch 1 I wasn't at first sure whether Lydia was actually on the ship or standing on the quayside waiting to board. The only clue was the line 'luggage on the deck', but I didn't find it enough.
On the whole though, I thought it charming and atmospheric and I'm sure lovers of this kind of fiction will enjoy it.
I wish you luck with it!
Cas.
(KING'S ENVOY)

There's a lulling, almost hypnotic quality to your prose, Claudio. It flows really well and there are so many beautifully written, very original turns of phrase. (eg. 'the coil of human circumstance') The sense of time and place is well conveyed, although I could have done with a few more specific refs to Italy, maybe some snippets of conversation/ local food being eaten? (By the way, I was thrown by your use of 'Genua'. I assume you mean Genoa/Genova? Genua made me think of Terry Pratchet??) The plot feels original and engaging. I'm always impressed by writers who take on historical fiction. I love to read it but I wouldn't have a clue how to write it. Bravo!! Best of luck with this, Claudio. On my shelf. A

Claudio, This has got to be the most poignant and poetic description of an immigrant's experience I have read thus far. You capture Lydia's restless spirit with your visual and breathtaking language--sad, defiant and we know the character is not as detached as she would like us to think. I love the sentence "lined up like dominoes" those might not be the exact words...You definitely show instead of tell and use some striking images in the process.

I write a lot about restless souls in my characters too. I am a restless soul myself, search and seeing poetry in most everything. I think I relate to Lydia therefor I have shelved this wonderful novel with the name of a Brazilian Goddess.

Will read more later.

Patricia

You really have a way with words when it comes to description. Great writing! I could learn some lessons from you :)
Cheryl

Dear Claudio,

Further to my earlier comments your excellent book is now on my shelf.

Joanna

Dear Claudio,

As usual, the proviso is that my comments are the subjective comments of an unpublished author.

This is very good. There is the occasional clumsy phrase which an edit will resolve. Lots of -ing verbs too (maybe it's just me who has a thing about these, but I do think that too many stop the flow of narrative rather than aiding it).

After reading 4 or 5 chapters of this, I am in the atmosphere. I like the feel of the whole thing. If I had picked this up in a shop, I would have bought it.

Shelved.

R

I was taken in by the spell of your description and setting immediately. Shelved, until I can delve in more deeply.

So beautifully written, I am sucked in immediately. I've read two chapters and put this straight onto my shelf. I'll be back for more very soon!
All the best,
BexMcK (The Devil's Box)

Hello Claudio,

Eye catching cover, compelling pitch and clear, but poetic writing. You show us so much about Lydia in simple lines - 'she knew she would always be a foreigner, no matter where she went.' Lovely.

Your prose is so visual I felt I was on the deck among all the trunks and crates. I saw the mist in the bay.

This is going on my watch list till I get room on my shelf.

Best wishes,

Joanna (Vissi d'arte)

Claudio,

Sorry this will be short, but I have pressing business today.

First, your pitch was well done, very succint, giving all the necessary info to get me interested.

Loved your writing, the poetry of it.

One thing, I wish you would hint more of why Lydia is leaving (maybe I missed some hint of it?) Maybe she is just truly unhappy where she is or and just an adventurer at heart but you might consider giving the reader a little more. Perhaps you talk more of it later but I wanted to know -- it would make me more interested.

This is the type of book I always enjoy reading. And I hope to have time to read more later.

I have put you on my shelf.

Best,
Janet

Dear Claudio,



Literary cum Historical fiction. Absolutely the best genre. Certainly my favourite. I could not resist going that route myself in my own work.

But 1905. Now I am really paying attention. I only went back to the 1940’s.

You’re talking about the time there was bubonic plague in San Francisco. It took them ten years to get rid of it.

So far, I have only read your synopsis. It is impressive by its tightness, cleanness and clearness. I’m not sure how you say what you mean in so few words.

Reading now. A remarkable style which is both lyrical and cinematic. Claudio, please edit out the second two ‘always’ which you used three times in your last para of Lydia. It spoils your writing. I have only read Lydia so far but rate the writing highly. One or two long and loose sentences there you may want to tighten. Not criticizing, merely polishing good writing.

Chapter two and The Hand of Yemanja is on my bookshelf.

Chapter three and dialogue is heard for the first time. Very good. Engaging and paints a good picture.

If you want feedback, it would be that some of your sentences in Yamanja are not as tight as in your synopsis. Probably because you were not allowed to go to town by the limitation of words.

Again, I’m talking polishing and not reworking. It’s an easy matter to delete any superfluous words on a word processor.

Overall, accolades, sir.

Go well with your writing. I don’t find it easy and spend most of my time rewriting. What I have here has been written four times and I can still improve it.


Kind regards,



Pierre

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

Claudio,

You embody the show versus tell method of writing. I felt that I was standing there, getting ready to board the ship. I'm not sure why Lydia is so disconnected from the people or the country, but you make me want to read more and find out why.

The writing was beautiful and you take your time setting up the plot. Nicely done.

You're on my shelf,

ML

First things first. I enjoyed your pitch, and I always think historical novels are the most important kinds of novels there are, because if they’re done well, they both educate and inform. The only thing I felt I should query in the pitch is the last clause in the last sentence: “as it was devised by a street child that crosses her path during her travels”. I’m not quite sure what this means, and it makes it sound as if the whole thing is something happening inside the head of a street child: more Fantasy than history, if you see what I mean.

Of course, most people write their pitches in a hurry: I know I did. And if I’ve learned one thing on Authonomy, it’s that the quality of a pitch isn’t necessarily a guide to the quality of the novel within. Here, as so often, I was utterly delighted by what I found. The Hand of Yemanja is lyrical. Take any one paragraph in your opening chapter, and it’s sufficient to tell us all about Lydia. Put them together and you’ve got about as complete a pen portrait as you could wish for. And chapter two – the arrival in the city – and three – where the first paragraphs of dialogue occur – confirm that you’re a novelist of rare powers, one with all the armaments of the trade ready and polished.

Bookshelved? Oh yes, absolutely.

Bren Verrill
The Weird Problem of Good.

Hi there Claudio,
I was drawn to this as I like books with history in. From the get-go, you have created a wonderful atmosphere here, I can *feel* it. Lydia's story is intriguing, I want to read on and see how it all pans out. You write well, your descriptions are vivid and your characterization, IMO, isparticularly good. I will be coming back to read more, I am snowed under with editing at the moment, being on the editor's desk, but I will return. In the meanwhile, on the strength of what I've read, I am putting this on my SHELF!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)