Banjo Strings

I enjoyed it. I wish I had time to read more! Backed. Gordon (The Harpist of Madrid)

Hi Larry
This is really original and I had to go back and read the beginning twice to make sure I knew what was going on, but I loved the whole idea re the ghosts and the TV show. You use some great vocabularly to describe the opening scenes and to build up the action nicely. A great story. Backed.
DP Walker
Five Dares

This made for a very unusual read. You were right about the content, adult and perhaps controversial,but it makes the reader take notice. Read the first few chapters and found them emminently readable in style.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Very good, great pitch, a premise that hooked me and a story that doesn't let go. Backed with pleasure.

I really like this very unique premise. Your highly descriptive writing style makes your finely crafted novel a pleasure to read. Your work is well paced and well written. Your use of imagery is excellent and your character development is solid. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Very lively and stimulating read

backed

I think this is the most unique premise I've read on the site. Two ghosts causing havoc and setting out for revenge against the plantation owners relatives. Great read very absorbing writing and stunning characterisation.

Very happy to shelve such fine writing and unique work.

Melxx
Impeding Justice

Welcome aboard, Larry. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch TELLS instead of SHOWS. With the long pitch, expand more on the story arch. Also end it with a succinct question so it piques your reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

BANJO STRINGS
This is a clever idea for a book: angry and revengeful ghosts haunting a southern plantation and using a TV show to do it. You have a good character in Augustus (some racially correct people will object to his use of “chocolate” and “buck” – you might want to rethink that); he’s a good lead-in to the story. I meant to read only the first three chapters of this but I found myself reading much beyond that. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Status update - I've uploaded the rewritten and re-edited book in full, along with the updated cover. This is the ebook version manuscript I'm releasing to the internet.

This is my kind of tale! I think it's well-written and of course, as a Southern girl, I love horror set in the South. Great beginning--I'm looking forward to reading more.

Cheers!

Donne Burgess
Please check out DARKLANDS if you have the time.

Status update - Last month, I finished the draft writing of my novel and released the final podcast episodes to the web. I'm currently going over the entire book to fix grammar and spelling errors and make other changes to help the flow of the story. Of the 26 chapters I'm up to no. 11 so far. When I finish I will bring the entire manuscript here for fresh eyes to catch the stuff I still missed.

Thank you again for the helpful assistance.

To all commenters / critiques:

Thank you all so much for taking the time to peruse my first attempt at a fully fleshed out novel. The comments are insightful and will greatly aid my assessment and revamping of the story when I get down to the task of rereading and editing from the beginning.

To that end, if I don't respond in a timely manner to any individual messages, it's only because I'm still hip deep in writing the last chapter of the book. I have at least one or two big editing changes to make in the early chapters, based on comments I've received, so please, keep 'em coming.

So far, about half the novel is available now, and I will bring the entire story here in time for objective raking over the coals. Thanks again, all of you, for the invaluable service.

I like the way in which you've anchored your story in the history of Mississippi. That was the hook for me.

I liked ch 1 a lot. It's gripping and you kick start the action immediately. Having learnt in the past few months to look out for "tell" vs "show", I caught a bit of telling in ch1, mainly the part that starts with "For Augustus Wainwright.." thought you could do a lot to deliver that back story through thoughts and dialogue.
Also, the first sentence: "caught the dark chocolate upstairs maid.." could probably do with a bit of simplifying. I had to read it a couple of times to make sure I got it right. It's easy to see what you mean with it, but the structure felt a little heavy.

The pace dropped quite suddenly in ch2. I'm ambivalent about this. It's good to give the reader room for breathing, but in a recent HC crit here, they mentioned something about this kind of drop being too startling for the reader.

I see that things pick up again in ch 3, so maybe you can combine the two?

The banjo angle is very good and you describe the effect of the music quite well, I liked it a lot.

Hope you don't mind me making these comments, I figure we're all here for the feedback and it's good to collect a good pool of opinions to help the editing/writing.

Glad to give it a spin on my shelf.
Dania (The It! Refugee)

Larry,

Thank you for your support of Appetites, sorry for the delay. My reading list has got a bit out of control so I'm trying to get that under control.

Part of doing that is restricting my return comments guided by the extent of comments left on my work.

With that in mind I'm taking a quick look at Banjo Strings.

Early in chapter one your have important back-story that you tell us, reporting Augustus' aunts recounting of events. There's an opportunity here to show us, by using dialogue and well observed actions and reactions.

When you do introduce dialogue there are several lines hidden in one paragraph. Look at the opportunity to break these out into short paragraphs and provide some variety from what is a series of similar lenght paragraphs.

Then the transition from that scene to the scene where Augustus was a black man confused me a little, perhaps because I was reading too fast.

So overall it seems to me you have an interesting premise that could make the basis of a good story, the writing is competent, with nothing grating. But I think you need to look closely at your pacing, make more use of dialogue and action earlier and make your scene transitions smoother. Hope these comments are useful.

I'm going to give this a quick spin on my shelf.

Hello Larry,

This is great fun story to read. A jolt for the morning with the terrifying lines. Nonetheless, a well-written story worthy of its salt. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Hi, I just finished reading ch 6 and know why I backed it. In fact, I told my friend cindy to read it. She says she backed it so I think I'll hop over and check to see if she did.
The Banio is something I've always enjoyed listening to.

Hi, as a banjo player I was immediately drawn to this and then when it turned out to be a ghost tale, even better. Excellent start which is succintly written and very enjoyable.
Good luck with this, backed
Michael

Banjo Strings

Hi Larry, What an intriguing premise and an interesting start, you write well, taking us quickly and pacily into these unfolding scenes. I noticed the need to edit here and there, but generally the originality of the start was the thing that struck me, I will try to come back to read more but the mix of historical, horror and the graphic but measured violence all contributed to the sense of someone with something very new to say, very best of luck - Andrew W.

on chapter four

love the interupted quote start.

You tell alot, I am sure it is vital information but if it could be trimmed down at all it may help the pace.

The paragraph that ends with "she gigled softly..." this sentence just sounds odd.

You capitalize all of HIS for emphaisis I am not sure about this gramatically, but I always was bugged by this techiniqe.

The chapter starts really strong, Lowell has a great intro...but the chapter ends up telling so much backstory all at once, the paragraphs of it are long as well, if you could divide them they might seem a bit less daunting.

Hope this is helpful and not discouraging

On Chapter Four
Great transition between past and present after the murder of Annie. THe way the ghost bear witness is unique and clear despite being a new concept (at least to me)

The escape sequence flows well, and I expected Annie to last a bit longer.
Again good back and forth between past and present.

The last sentence feels a weak ending to a strong chapter. I feel the previopus sentence to a stronger ender.

Shot to death and no bullet, great

On chapter two

Seems a sudden jump from the first chapter. The dark supernatural elements are gone, it feels almost like another book.
Hard to connect from the last chapter

Is it necessary for Amanda to think of Marcus as a "nigger"? "That's right nigger you know you want it?" I assume it relates to the slavery angle from the first chapter again I could be mistaken.

Betsy's pink nipple divulge her race, however it is not explicit that Amanda is white, I infer it. Am I wrong.

Bety as a hemafrodite is clever but could you make it a bit more clear, it was confsing at first.

Hey,

Yeah, chapter 2 is a bit jarring, but that was my intention (the 'WTF' effect). I must admit, I never read Lovecraft, but I may have to skim through a tale or two to compare notes.

I didn't realize I never plainly described Amanda, good catch. Critiques of technical details, like spelling, grammar, etc., shouldn't piss anybody off, but then, that's just my opinion.

Anyway, Ch. 2 is there to set up Amanda for her comeuppance in Ch. 3, and do make clear the explicit nature of the story throughout. Perhaps I'll add a few more chapters after all.

On chapter 3

I like the return of the supernatural elements.

The young girl's appearence is cool, could it be built up to a litle more subtley though, the first description of her her short, could you add a lovecraft sytle sense of telling the reader a sense that is rendered instead of the physical description?

I was kinda lost on chapter two but 3 hooked me again

(none of the critques are meant to piss you off, its just most of the feedback I got was flowery and complimentary and didn't help me improve at all)

On chapter two

Seems a sudden jump from the first chapter. The dark supernatural elements are gone, it feels almost like another book.
Hard to connect from the last chapter

Is it necessary for Amanda to think of Marcus as a "nigger"? "That's right nigger you know you want it?" I assume it relates to the slavery angle from the first chapter again I could be mistaken.

Betsy's pink nipple divulge her race, however it is not explicit that Amanda is white, I infer it. Am I wrong.

Bety as a hemafrodite is clever but could you make it a bit more clear, it was confsing at first.

On Chapter One
Well established sense of forboding, I'm jealous, I tried with much poorer results. The first paragraph seems odd and its hard to grasp the setting and time frame. The counting out of lashes is great.
The descritpitons of body inhabitation are terrific and original in execution.

You may be interested in Galilee by Clive Barker it was some simialir elements to your story (This is meant as a compliment)

Clive Barker? Cool, I'll take that. I've also been compared to David Mitchell...

On Chapter One
Well established sense of forboding, I'm jealous, I tried with much poorer results. The first paragraph seems odd and its hard to grasp the setting and time frame. The counting out of lashes is great.
The descritpitons of body inhabitation are terrific and original in execution.

You may be interested in Galilee by Clive Barker it was some simialir elements to your story (This is meant as a compliment)

In the fitrst paragraph Is he dreaming about a realevernt of is he just dreaming? I was a tich confused. Also in the third to last paragraph THe gun was hidden underneath what? seems something is missing. Chpter 2 is so steamy I had a hard time staying with the critique.
This is a very anxious story full of dark fantasys.

Yes, Augustus was dreaming of a past event when it was interrupted by the ghost, and the gun was hidden beneath one of the slave cabins. And yeah, Ch. 2 is very explicit, though integral to the story. There are many sex scenes throughout the book, but only where necessary. If I bring Ch. 7 here, you'll find a more 'romance novel' level of steaminess...

Oh a ghost story and slave ghost...okay, I think I'll read on. Good description of the book.

Larry.
With some redrafting I can see this doing extremely well. I really enjoy your ideas and writing style. Often I'll come back and read more before backing, but this is going on my shelf now, with my best wishes for its success. Lets get this higher in the rankings.
Good Luck!
David (Green Ore)

In the fitrst paragraph Is he dreaming about a realevernt of is he just dreaming? I was a tich confused. Also in the third to last paragraph THe gun was hidden underneath what? seems something is missing. Chpter 2 is so steamy I had a hard time staying with the critique.
This is a very anxious story full of dark fantasys.

Hi Larry,

Read your first chapter and won't be reading on as the subject matter is not to my taste.

However, the story appears to be well told and the text well written. My only quibble on your style is that I thought many of your sentences were too long.

Good luck with your book.

Phillberrie.

An exciting idea and very well written. My only niggle is the 'Single-shot pistol with five bullets inside'. A single-shot pistol only has one bullet in it and has to be reloaded with every shot. A gun with five bullets is probably a revolver or small automatic. lots of potential here. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Thanks Patrick. These little minor editing glitches do get away from you, don't they? The word should be "contains" instead of "with."

An exciting idea and very well written. My only niggle is the 'Single-shot pistol with five bullets inside'. A single-shot pistol only has one bullet in it and has to be reloaded with every shot. A gun with five bullets is probably a revolver or small automatic. lots of potential here. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hi Larry,
This is intriguing, you have a great setting here, I like your premise. The thought of two ghosts going on the rampage for vengeance like this is really scary. This has an edge to it, it's quite chilling. I was drawn into your story and will definitely keep reading as I want to see what happens. I will come back and leave more comments as I read, but in the meanwhile, I have SHLEVED this!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)