Brown Girls

John,
Your writing is superb and this is a great story. The Cook Islands the perfect setting. We have a dead body, the coconut wireless and Polynesian women, what more could any reader ask for. Jack is a great protagonist and the story pulls the reader along. Love it. Good luck with this book.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Your writing is short, fast, and precise. The vivid imagery is amazing. "yellow fangs. greasy slobber." "400 pounds of fat and sweat." This is really really good writing. SHELVED!

John

I read chapters 1 to 3, this is extrememly good, very polished, writing. It feels complete to me as a reader. The plot's good, and it slowly builds up intensity. There's a real feeling of being there amongst the action.

Shelved, this is certainly one of the best books on here.
Charlie

I’m totally buying this! Clear, accomplished writing, excellent story, well rounded characters and naturally-sounding dialogues. The phone call between Dempster and his wife made me laugh out loud. The description of Mama Rosie is a piece of art as are so many others including the scenery. I had the desire to drop everything and leave for Cook Islands. However, the story of the centipede cooled me down considerably. :)

I’m shelving Brown Girls right away and wishing you all the best!

Iva P.
Fame and Infamy

Great setting, good pitch and a well researched plot. My only feeling was I didn't really know who Jack was on the first page - even though you explain in your pitch - need to know something about him perhaps and why he thinks/knows he's there, perhaps a hint from his thoughts? Anyway, apart from that nitpick, this has excellent dialogue and its just right for the genre. I hope you get it published and its on my shelf with pleasure.

You have all the makings of a thriller and the right voice and style to pull it off.

Crime in Paradise is a great premise and you do a good job of, layer by layer, painting quite a different, image of the Cook Islands than most people have. Tells me that you at know the islands or have researched them very well.

Also liked the way in which you weave in information about setting into the narrative: descriptions of the islands, cultural insights about the different protags, and nuggets of information about the weather.

Read till chi 3 and didn’t managed to find any nit picks.

Shelved and good luck,
Dania (The It! Refugee)

Read a few chapters, John. Polished writing - and very informative, which always adds an extra dimension to one's enjoyment of a book. Like the slow build-up with something simmering just beneath the surface, waiting to explode into action.

Afraid there's nothing I can offer in the way of advice since this seems to be just about as professional as you can get.

Good luck with it!


Mark

This is good stuff, John. Moves fast and you create your characters in the blink of an eye. Got a lot going for it so I'll clear some space on my shelf and watch it rise.

Marko (Brief Encounters)

'Brown Girls' looks interesting, John. Care to swap read?

Marko (Brief Encounters)

Hi John,
I'm two chapters in and really enjoying the tone of this. I'm sure if I found it at the library I'd take it home to read. Didn't notice any terrible typos etc, and the characters are appealing and well drawn. All the best with it.

I usually dont like the use of Lingo but you do it well. The environment of your book really adds to the story. Jack is a srong main character and he is supported well.

Great story so far. Love the culture clash between Jack and Maina.
Stays on my shelf.

I guess he mellows out
And saves the island?

Bests of luck with this, Did you get to the Cook islands to write it?
cheers.......................Mikey

I absolutely love the way you have written this. It flows so well that the chapters just fly by. It feels very natural and is really interresting. “Their words frequently bookended by exclamations points of laughter,” is a great way to put that. There were several of those delicious tidbits in here. Your ability to lay out a scene is incredibly impressive.

I was only going to read to the end of chapter three, but the ending of it was so good I had to see what the hell defined him as a man. I ended up reading to the end of the 5th chapter.

This was really well written, but I do want to point out the following two nit-picky edits.
Toward the end of chapter one you have “Lamu kicked a char at the dogs. They yelped. They scurried out of range.” I would suggest combining the last two sentences for better flow. “They yelped and scurried out of range.”

The first paragraph of chapter three—I’d suggest combining the last two chapters of as well. He would go… he would go… doesn’t seem right.
Shelved!
Amanda

John, I've read the first seven chapters, and would gladly read on further if time permitted. This flows nicely, making for a smooth, easy read. The start is excellent, with a hook in the very first paragraph. And the descriptions of place are lovely, while never being overdone. I once spent a very pleasant week in Rarotonga, and it's delightful to find it as a setting.

Other things I like: the chapters are a good length for reading online. You integrate CI Maori words nicely, giving enough of the meaning without weighing down the story. You give enough hints of the way society works in the Cooks without ever lecturing. Your descriptions are so affectionate that the shock of the Revelation Room, the epitome of tackiness with Ray in his powder-blue leisure suit as its centrepiece, is all the more grotesque.

I do have a few nits to pick, but I'll put those in a separate message.

This really is very smooth and proficient, and should be well on its way to publication.

Shelved.

Hi John
If it’s criticism you’re after here, I’m afraid you are out of luck as I really can’t find anything to fault. I hate these kind of reviews when you are lost for words. I usually manage to make some useful suggestions, but I have nothing to offer. You have all the perfect ingredients for a good novel. Good characterisation – snappy narrative and dialogue and I had no trouble at all visualising the time and place and exploring life on Cook Island. One thing I am having problems with is my blasted internet connection. Each time I navigate to another page I lose connection. It’s taken me almost two hours to read a couple of chapters. I think I am going to have to give up for now. But I am more than happy to give this a spin on the shelf.
Best wishes
Sue

Comments on Chapter 1...

Good original setting, bit of a change from the mean streets of L.A. or New York City...

'bald spot like a miniature ruby" - this one doesn't work for me, given the bald spot must be reasonably large to be noticeable, hence not 'miniature' and 'ruby' doesn't seem to match white man sunburn. Maybe something like "cherry tomato' would work better?

Chapter 2...

Maybe the radio conversation went on too long. Unless the DJ figures later in the plot?

Chapter 3...

Hmm, bit prolongedly voyeuristic, but understandable... Good last line. Just noticed here how many times you use "Jack" in the narrative. Hard to avoid, of course, but don't be afraid to substitute a few "he's", especially when he's alone.

Chapter 4...

Good sharp dialogue. Actually, it has been all along. Believable. Maybe put the agent's in italics, so we can grasp who is "live' and who is on the other end of a telephone line. Yes, you're doing the right thing in holding back a few of these hints of mystery you offer up. We DO want to know the answers.

Chapter 5...

Ha, ha. I like the characters you've created here. Good work.

Arse, arsehole. I'm sure I saw some American spelling in an earlier chapter. Which is it to be??

Ok. I've read enough to make a decision. I like this. I like the setting. I like the efficient way you've written it: minimal text for maximum return. Perhaps you could vary the size of the paragraphs a little. All of them seem to be short and filled with short sentences. Perhaps combine a couple here and there.

I like the local lingo interspersed with the English in the dialogue. Rather than "translate' it within inverted commas, perhaps just put it in italics: otherwise it looks like Jimmy or the inspector are using the local words, then translating it for the reporter.

This is good commercial thriller writing. I'd encourage you to take a look at "Shake Off" and "First Daughter", both on this site, for similar writing: the latter in particular is the tightest example of your sort of writing I've seen here, though yours is comparable.

On my shelf and best wishes with it.

Regards,

TomW

You have a fine story here, John. I was taken with your title, book cover and pitch and I wasn't disappointed as I read. The idea of someone fighting against a move towards sex tourism in the Cook Islands is intriguing and I was also rather drawn in by the idea of your MC's writer's block and his ex wife + agent draining him financially. I'm sure these inclusions will appeal when you come to market your work - agents do like to feature occasionally!

A couple of small points: you've got 'life' at the end of your first pitch para and at the beginning of the second; you've got 'Jack' too often - try using 'he' occasionally. And finally, in the second para of the pitch, you have: 'as the humidity as sinister' should this be 'in' the humidity? Good luck - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

Well, thank goodness! You didn't disappoint, and my honor is salvaged! Yes, I would have happly backed Brown Girls! Good thing, huh?

This is very well-written, John, and it's apparent that you know your stuff. Not only are you a story-teller, but it's obvious you are familiar with the setting, and that helps the tale to be believable.

Really, a fine job, and I have no criticisms. Except for the bozo moment I had last night. Thanks for saving me, sir!

Best of luck to you in your publishing endeavors. I would happily read this in paper form, with a binding!

Karen

Hi John,

I was immediately drawn in. Right away you get the story going with a dead tourist. I loved how you developed Jack’s character as you go along. Very well done. Great use of dialogue also; it was believable. Felt the tension between Jack and Lamu.

Jack kept his distance. Jack might… Perhaps use He as we already know who you’re referring to. Sometimes we overuse character’s name when a simple he or she will suffice.

They yelped. They scurried out of the range. You could join these two sentences with an and: They yelped and scurried out of the range. Smoothes the flow.

Great ending to chap one. It makes you want to read on.

Chap 2 was great. Loved how you use dialogue to reveal the story and provide info on characters. Brillaint!

Loved the imagery in Chap 3 – got a great picture in my mind of the setting. Didn’t find any problems with Chap 4. Story still moving along at a great pace.

I’ve enjoyed reading this and found nothing to nitpick at. I got absorbed into the story. Very well written with wonderful sentence structures.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

John
I dipped in for a quick look and read 4 chapters. If this was available to print, I'd read it all. YES, IT"S THAT GOOD!

You have rich characters (although far too many MCs are called Jack!); the dialogue is natural; you demonstrate excellent use of the language (evidence: the opening line); and the locale is exotic and interesting. The full set!

OK how can I add value? Two comments:
1) I was thrown by chapter 4 (1996). I had to go back. So what's the date at the start? Perhaps "13 years earlier" - or whatever - would have been better.
2) Occasionally you use very short sentences, some times each one starts with "He". See the meeting with Jimmy in chapter 1 (where I noticed it the most). Short sentences are great, but use them more sparingly and for effect - especially to increase tension.

I'd say this is almost perfect and certainly ready for an editor. Get on my shelf and get off this site. Spend your time more productively and canvass agents.

Good luck
Chris (I Dare You)

John,

Spotted that this has an antipodean connection and thought I better give it a look.

This is smooth, I type comments as I go, and just realised I'm reading through without touching the keyboard. Great imagery around the dogs.

Characterisation is good, and the chapter closes on a note of intrigue.

Chapter two continues to introduce the setting and build intrigue--with these tour parties I'm beginning to think of the three kinds of visitors, and the one that's coming to mind is the mercenaries.

Chapter three shows us more of Jack and ends on a note of fallibitily--an, as yet, undefined weakness.

Well I've read three chapters in no time, and enjoyed it. I've found no nits to pick. This isn't a very helpful comment, but I love your work and will be giving it a spin on my shelf.

Have you read Hawaiian Orchids and, or Loco Moco Mamma? Both are mysteries with an island connection - Hawai though - and both writers are good at returning reads. I'd recommend them to you.

I'm not going to say anything here that you haven't heard before, but this is quick and believable. Your dialogue is spot on and is probably what I enjoy most. Writers struggle with dialogue from time to time but you seemed to have nailed it. I love the images of your locale and you pain the picture for your reader perfectly.

Shelved.

Monique

John, finally got here to read your book. I've read through the first few paragraphs and let me just say now, I hate you. I am now officially jealous of your writing, so with that out of the way, I'll press on.
Now, just a small thing, but if the body's in the water, would it smell of suncooked meat. Even if it had been left out before going into the water, wouldn't it just be putrid? Maybe I've missed something, but that's what came to mind.
Just one more thing. 'This is why people came to the Cook Islands, he thought. To sample paradise...What they didn't expect to do was die'. Maybe see if you can link these sentences. Maybe, '...why people came to the Cook Islands. They came expecting to lie in the sun and surf. What they didn't expect to do was die.' Okay that sucks, but something like that.
I'm a little confused. You've got '...on the raod3/4drunk' which looks like a typo.
'Jack heard the urgency in the constable's voice' sounds a little passive. Maybe 'The constable was getting edgy' something like that.
And maybe instead of 'face-talked' use mouthed. Maybe it's just me.
And let us know that the background noise has abated. Maybe show us the plane landing.
Are and after "I haven't turned him over' is that mysterious 3/4 again.
Maybe 'blabbing to the media' instead of babbling. Again, maybe it's just me.
Oh, man, what a ride. This is exactly the kind of book I love. I'm an Ed McBain fan from way back. I also loved earlier Joseph Wambaugh and this is right up there. Congratulations. There aren't too many than I can say that about. Excellent work, on my shelf for as long as I can keep it there. And BTW, go look in the forums. I'm giving you a plug in there as well.
Cealarenne

Brown Girls...

John, I usually just read a partial, the same thing an agent would read, so that's what I've done.

Always wondered what it was like in the Cook Islands...and in Vanuatu, the supposed tax haven...and your story certainly introduces those islands well, even in the first three chapters. There's a strong sense of the oppressive heat, the lush vegetation, and the culture, all painted very economically.

Opening with a dead body in the pool grabs reader interest, with nice details about local "politics," who the movers and shakers might be, and Jack's place in the pecking order. What I don't get enough of, for me anyway, is a sense of who Jack is...soon enough. The beat at the end of c.3 is excellent, but I think you missed an opportunity to strengthen that beat the first time Jack's book is mentioned.

I also feel that the opening scene can have more conflict in it (internal and external). ..there didn't seem to be a strong enough arc to that scene for me.

Another Authonomite commented on the flashback in c.4, which I haven't read. Editors and agents dislike flashbacks because they leak energy from the main story. I learned this the hard way (rejection...but at least the rejection was specific.) I agree that you should find a way to weave the important backstory into the warp of your novel in bits and drabs. So, the first time the book is mentioned becomes a stimulus for a tiny response about his writing and his feelings about his writing. The sooner readers have an inkling about how he feels, the more rooting interest they will have for him, the more they'll want to read on. You've killed two birds with one stone that way.

Don't remember anything about how Jack ended up here. Maybe it's there and I missed it, which likely means you need to strengthen that beat just a bit, or at least hint at the reason...and at the same time, make sure it reveals something about his character.

The two things that would keep me reading on are the questions raised by the dead body and the lovely setting details, but your story would have even more narrative drive if you reveal more of Jack's character in the first three chapters. But since reading on is my test for backing or not backing a novel, yours is definitely backed.

Now for two nits. The first thing is character name repetition...distances the reader if you do too much of it, and I think you do repeat Jack's name too often. Might be one of the reasons why I feel you need to reveal more of his character...I felt distanced. The second is the verb 'slinked'...is that the past tense? Not sure, but it felt wrong; might be 'slunk,' but regardless of the right form, it's an awkward, although entirely accurate, verb. I'd find another way to say the same thing.

I loved the face talking comment, and I wasn't at all confused by the final paragraph in c.3 (as someone else was); I thought it was quite beautiful. But if you introduce the writing conflict earlier, as I suggested, perhaps the potential confusion at the end of c.3 will be resolved.

This promises to be a very good read and I'll be back to read more if time permits...your setting details will draw me back to your Cook Islands, as they will many readers.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

I really like the premise of this story. There is a real sense of place right from the beginning-- you create an image in the mind very powerfully. Jack is a classic anti-hero- I like the way you bring bits of his past into the current story piece by piece so we want to find out more.
A few awkward passages in your prose, but nothing serious. The trick I use is to read it out loud to myself-- if it rolls off the tongue, it usually means it reads well.
On my shelf.
All the best,
BexMcK (The Devil's Box)

Dear John,

Smart intriguing pitches. Cold beer, hot passion.

Love the alliterative opening line! As well as the second. Such a well-crafted way to get right into it. I could stop reading right now and back this. But I won't ...

No need for "short" on the description of the dogs legs if you already have stubby.

Confused: tourists die triggered by alcohol and heat. Unlike the locals, who die from alcohol?

Since you mention that Lamu intimidates everyone, might that be able to segue that into the dogs slinking away, also scared of him, too?

The dogs backed away. Then a few paragraphs later Lamu kicks them away … I thought the dogs had already left.

Nice chapter ending, leaving readers with plenty of questions. What happened to the dead guy? Why is Jack on the island? Why is he shooting dead guys instead of writing books? What are Lamu's other duties?

This is very well written; wry tone, the start of some good character work, an immediate jump into the story, the setting well described, the dialogue effortless. Will be back to read further; in the meantime, shelved with enthusiasm.

Hi John,
This has the feel of a classic detective novel. You have an easy going voice and the story meshes us into Cook Island life - shelved.

I didn't care for the flashback that was chapter 4. It took me away from the story and added little to the background. You had already largely established that he is a writer who isn't writing.

Cheers
John

John

This book should be way higher up the rankings. It's fresh and sharp. Razor sharp. Beautifully written. Sit tight, this will get noticed. Shelved, with pleasure.

Brown Girls

Hi, John, Don’t normally read suspense/thrillers/cops but will have a look at this.

First paragraph shows a naked man face down in the pool so it immediately draws the reader in.

…Soon there would be more of the scavengers—all ribs and arseholes—lured by the reek of sun-cooked meat. Shudder, shudder… Would these dogs really eat a dead body?

You’ve already answered that. :o. - The lead dog stretched over the water, toward the body just out of reach. The second dog licked its chops. Yellow fangs. Greasy slobber. YIPES.

…Jandals…Flip-flops, right?

Ch 3 …But today was a postcard brought to life. The breeze against Jack’s face was a perfume of gardenia, jasmine, plumeria and frangipani. Through gaps in the coconut palms and casuarinas to his left, Jack caught glimpses of the lagoon’s rippled teal surface. The blossoms of the flamboyant trees added a crimson punctuation to the scene. – Beautiful. Sounds like paradise.

…Pink tongues darted while he depressed the shutter release. Tiny eels emerging from moist caves to lap at sticky rivulets of melting ice cream. :o) You sure have a way with words…

… It was a form of oral shorthand Jack had dubbed ‘face-talking.’ I like that.

…Jack was able to forget he no longer possessed the gift that had once defined him as a man. Surely this can’t be what I’m thinking??

Well, for someone who’s not interested in this genre, your great writing sure made me read three chapter. To me, your book comes across as very professional, and the characters are well drawn, right down to Lamu's cheap rubber jandals. You may just have converted me...

And you should be way higher than 908. Will put you on my shelf so hopefully it'll nudge you up a tad.

Sláinte,

Cáit (Muckers)

I'm a former Islander..it seems the lifestyle is universal except for a few word changes. You've done a fantastic job of painting this picture.

Rarely do I find such an easy read that flows, is real, and is flawless as far as I can tell. Hooked by murder, island press, sex, and the ever present slow down of life in a hot climate is all here without it being overbearing. Jack is the ideal island transplant, and you've given life to some fantastic characters. I wish I could be more specific in my crit, but like I say, this is amazing. There is little I can pick at.

Great going here. It's brings me back, so I shall back Brown Girls for a bit.

Sangay Glass
Kate, Blue Jeans, and a Single Shot

Hi John,

I'm here for my 15 minute read swap. I'm glad you signed up, because I might have otherwise missed this gem! Call it a terrible bias on my part, but I tend to walk away from pitches when I see the writer comparing themselves to well-known authors. In your case however, it is completely apropos. You have a clean, easy-to-read style, and a heck of a sense of pacing. About the only editing tip I could offer is something that is apparently an Authonomy glitch - there are a couple of spots where random "3/4" appear. For example -

"... it was usually on the road3/4 drunk, driving with..."

"I haven't turned him over3/4"

I believe it's part of the same formatting issue that is giving your book double chapters. Otherwise, I enjoyed this immensely - welcome to my shelf!

~Traci

Hi Janvier

Thanks for your kind words and comments. I only need to move up 1015 more places in the rankings to see if the Big Boys at HC agree. Wish me luck!

Cheers
John

Hello John,

A gripping start for what promises to be a compelling story all the way to the end. A dead body found floating in a pool, piquing the interest of Jack, Jimmy and Lamu, all colourful characters with different ways about them. You crafted the story through an intriguing plot and tend to be very engaging with the reader through the smooth flow of the story, effective dialogue, narrative and great description.

Good luck with the story. Deserved its spot on my shelf.

All the best.

Janvier (FLASH OF THE SUN)

Hello John,

A gripping start for what promises to be a compelling story all the way to the end. A dead body found floating in a pool, piquing the interest of Jack, Jimmy and Lamu, all colourful characters with different ways about them. You crafted the story through an intriguing plot and tend to be very engaging with the reader through the smooth flow of the story, effective dialogue, narrative and great description.

Good luck with the story. Deserved its spot on my shelf.

All the best.

Janvier (FLASH OF THE SUN)

hey john,
Your characters are interesting, your writing is fluent and most of all entertaining. The reader is engaged right away, and i found it hard to put this down, alas, i have a hefty WL. This is the first comment you've recieved in 8 days? that is not what this work deserves. Get on the forums John, and scream out loud, "I have a fantastic book, read it!" Well maybe not something that cheesy, but you get the idea, make your book known, and you'll climb the ranks quickly. I'll back you to help you along.

Regards,

Mark H

I admire your work--you hit all the right notes and do it well, with beautifully descriptive writing and nice turns-of-phrase. An exotic island locale doesn't hurt either, because people love to fantasize about escaping to a simpler life where they can pursue their passions unfettered (for enough money to get through happy hour and a comfortable bed to sleep it off in). But even in paradise we can grow complacent, and somtimes we are confronted with a life-changing decision that jars us from our slumber and gets our lives off auto-pilot to confront the demons from our past in a time-tested, universal theme. I challenge anyone to read this and not shelve it.

Tolvo, thanks for the encouraging words. My wife and I loved living on Rarotonga (turn south at Hawaii, fly for six hours) and it was my goal with Brown Girls to share this wonderful country with readers. Hopefully, I'll get that opportunity.
Take care
John

A gripping start to Brown Girls, John: Cook Islands, hot sun, body in a pool, starved dogs, PC Jimmy and fat Chief Inspector Lamu. I've only a vague idea where the Cook Island are, but after reading this first chapter I felt I'd been there. Nice and easy to read, with no hidden meanings. Good stuff I think. Brown Girls now sits on my shelf. Tolvo.

A gripping start to Brown Girls, John: Cook Islands, hot sun, body in a pool, starved dogs, PC Jimmy and fat Chief Inspector Lamu. I've only a vague idea where the Cook Island are, but after reading this first chapter I felt I'd been there. Nice and easy to read, with no hidden meanings. Good stuff I think. Brown Girls now sits on my shelf. Tolvo.

Nicely done and with an exotic setting -- you make the native Cook Islanders come to life. I've only read the first two chapters but plan to read more.

Brown Girls

Hi John, A great start, fresh, engaging and different, plunging us very effectively into the life of our hero. His position as impromptu photographer on the island also shines a light in a clever way on the very detailed backstory. Cracking start, will try and read on, best wishes Andrew W.

Hi there,
I liked this from the opening, it really drew me in. You settle us in well and then you add the edginess subtly, it's very well done. Jack is an interesting character and I would like to see how this pans out. I found it well written and just the right pace. I will be back to comment further, I am so pushed for time with editing at the moment as I'm on the editor's desk, that I want to return and spend more time with your manuscript. In the meanwhile, it's on my SHELF!
Bests,
Annabelle P
(Adelaide Short)

Dear Pierre

Thanks for the tip about the synopsis format. This is all new to me, I'm afraid. Plus, I would never pass up the opportunity for a peck from the lady editor.

Thanks also for the kind words about my book. From your lips to HarperCollins' ear. Fingers crossed.

Take care
John

Dear John,



For proper visual presentation and inviting readership, I would divide your synopsis into three- or four-line paragraphs with a line-space between each. The lady editor’s gonna kiss you if you do that.

Much approval of that opening para. But disappointed he washed up in the swimming pool and not the reef. Leg pull. The pool hints at murder.

Dialogue and character-driven story-telling almost immediately. Accolades.

I’m having fun because I am not going to have to crit. Much approval of the tight writing and short style.

Likewise dialogue sans ‘he said’.

Have you ever stumbled on a dead body by the way? I have and discovered I couldn’t speak. Terrible thoughts as what went through the victim’s mind as he was drowning. Then thought the body was a doll. Someone playing a trick on me. Shock and denial.

Brown Girls is on my bookshelf after only two chapters.

Some of the best writing I have seen. The most minor of edits here and there, nothing more than tossing a superfluous word. I have worse in my own stuff which I’m taking out in a fifth rewrite.

Really, not only accomplished writing, but polished work too. You have already edited this and me wanting to meddle is a cheek.

Also, I failed to mention, a very energetic story.

Go well with your work.


Kind regards,



Pierre

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

I am sitting here with cold feet--in NZ of course. Where else in the world is beautiful enough to put up with unheated houses! I too am a North American in NZ--I married in. Loved your story. This is great. Have you tried sending it into a Kiwi publishing house? There are acouple that might really take to a thriller.
Good job.
Shelved,
Barbara
Hope you will read my little story THE SEA PILLOW

Dear John,



For proper visual presentation and inviting readership, I would divide your synopsis into three- or four-line paragraphs with a line-space between each. The lady editor’s gonna kiss you if you do that.

Much approval of that opening para. But disappointed he washed up in the swimming pool and not the reef. Leg pull. The pool hints at murder.

Dialogue and character-driven story-telling almost immediately. Accolades.

I’m having fun because I am not going to have to crit. Much approval of the tight writing and short style.

Likewise dialogue sans ‘he said’.

Have you ever stumbled on a dead body by the way? I have and discovered I couldn’t speak. Terrible thoughts as what went through the victim’s mind as he was drowning. Then thought the body was a doll. Someone playing a trick on me. Shock and denial.

Brown Girls is on my bookshelf after only two chapters.

Some of the best writing I have seen. The most minor of edits here and there, nothing more than tossing a superfluous word. I have worse in my own stuff which I’m taking out in a fifth rewrite.

Really, not only accomplished writing, but polished work too. You have already edited this and me wanting to meddle is a cheek.

Also, I failed to mention, a very energetic story.

Go well with your work.


Kind regards,



Pierre

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree