Phasmatis: Back to Life

This an extraordinary novel. Your creativity is seemingly without boundaries, and you have the skills as a writer to transform the ideas in your head into a story in which all can enjoy. The most incredible part about the way you write is how believable you make the story out to be even in a situation which, by all accounts, should appear exactly the opposite. You have created an afterlife which few, if any, have ever dreamed of and, through the use of your characters, I was taken on the journey into the unknown along with Alice and Luke.

In one short introduction chapter for Alice and Luke, you have already caused me to become engaged with their life, or should I say death, which drives me to continue on with your fantastic novel. The use of subtle humor downplays the reality that your main characters have died and in a way made it appear as though they have never been more alive. I love the play on words used throughout the chapters I read. "Was that G...Go.." "Gordon, yes. He's general manager here." A great contrast to the actual meaning Alice searched for. "Evil is the reverse spelling of live." This is something I have never noticed until now even though it seems so obvious. It is an excellent realization that strikes a point to a reader and has already been portrayed in the treatment of Alice and Luke in the first two chapters.

I apologize for rambling on, but this is one of the best, if not the best, books I have read on authonomy.com. I can't wait to continue on, and I will let you know when I finish it what I think of the complete work.

Backed with pleasure,

Matthew

This is an insanely amazing book. It's just such a brilliant idea! I love it all, although I was very sad to see Alice and Beth go... but surely you wouldn't have focussed on her so much if that was it? It's so annoying when I get to the end of a great book like this and there's so many questions unanswered! Like what's missing? And how's Luke going to get his own back? Aargh, need to know!!!
There haven't been many stories on this site where I've lived it, not read it, but this one I lived every second (died every second? I mean, they are dead...). Usually I find a few spelling or grammatical mistakes but I didn't find any! Well, either that or I was so caught up in the stroy that I didn't notice them!
This could easily be a best seller with young adults - I mean, I'm 16 and I love it so I'd extend your age group just a little :P

Amy
x

PS. A testimony to how good it is: I so should've been doing Biology revision...

JJ Palooka (Miles, of Taggers) wrote (in a message):
I just think your book is one of the absolute most marketable things I've stumbled upon here.
It's a total sure-fire hit. I can see it being a movie, or a set of movies or even a TV series (hope you don't find that insulting).
Well, it's just one of those ideas that seems like, "Hey, why didn't I ever think about that?"
Imagine huge book series, a la R.L. Stine's Goosebumps' anthology...
With the right agent, this could take you and your entire family to the high life, I suspect, for generations.
I'm gushing a bit here, but I don't do it often. But you're sitting on a veritable gold mine, man. I really hope you persist with the agent and publisher hunting.

Fabulous opening scene where you cleverly invert a deep need of human nature – to emerge from the crowd onto the stage – except you depict literally what usually we metaphorically envisage.
The parallel lines of the male and female predicament is a nice touch too. Complicity at a distance. The sense of these two lines converging like some law of physics. And the idea of adversity revealing new resources is a fine poetic truth children do well in learning.
Nice dry humour in chapter three. The chirpily rational tone of the guide nicely ironic in a realm apparently bereft of any rational guidelines. The lisp is another delicious touch.
This is bright and compelling with bags of vitality. Excellent tone which maintains a necessary innocence while subtly enveloping the story with an atmosphere of perpetually dawning wisdom.

Back to Life
Simon Betterton

Simon,
You have an incredible imagination indeed. Wonderful storyline here to engage, stimulate and engross. As I interact myself on a daily basis with children within your targeted age group and knowing their tastes, I have no doubt this piece would appeal to them. And I think it was good that you designed a storyline involving both a male and female character for them to identify with so you are able to capture both sexes and enable this with broad appeal. Both Luke and Alice are believable and when me meet them at first, Luke in ch one and Alice in ch 2, you do a good job not only with their introduction to the reader, but with enabling the reader to immediately take to them – and I think the feeling sorry for Alice sentiment which strikes immediately, was most compelling. The story flowed well and kept going with appropriate momentum and energy. The imaginative features of your ghostworld are simply amazing, and commenting as an adult who is not part of your target audience, I must say that apart from fantasy, this has, as I see it, an alternative ingredient ever present in existential fiction which makes it quite appealing to me, and I suspect, to other adults as well. Very interesting and delightful Simon. Hope it does very well.

Wishing you every success,
Zan

What did you think of Harper Collins' review? Honestly?

Hi,

I read this soon after joining the site last year and it's great to see you made the Editors' Desk - congratulations! The changes you've made look good and I think they improve the flow of the story.

I guess I'll have to take your book off my shelf for a while, but do look forward to seeing how things work out :)

All the best,
elf_friend

Very nice beginning. It is a very original plot and it deserves very much to be developed. It reminds me the kind of R. Dahl stories that I used to liked (and still do) very much. Some of my suggestions for following chapters would be to introduced some flashback chapters on how the life of the main characters used to be when they were alive. This way, the reader could get a broader view of them. I also think that the notion of 'knowledge' after death worths to be explored in depth, for example if you know things that you ignored when being alive or if you have the capability to get to know them somehow (I leave that in your hands).

Good luck,
Araceli

Sorry I didn't get to commenting sooner. This is brilliant, wonderfully imaginitive, perfectly painted characters, and a great plot to put them in. I would defninitely buy this one if it were sitting on a shelf in a bookstore. Good luck with it.

Congrats on the gold star! I meant to back this before, but didn't have the chance; looks like you don't need it now, but I'll back it regardless. You write very well, and I definitely like the plot; the only mistake I noticed was that at the end of chapter one you misspelled "meter" (you wrote "metre").

If you have time, please take a look at my book, Redemption. I'd appreciate it very much.

~Jess
Redemption.

congratulations
tom bye 'from hugs to kisses'

Congratulations. Best of luck.
Sharon Cooper
Seka

Well done, Simon

Philip John

Hi Simon - Finally got in and checked out the first three chapters of 'Back To Life'.
Good work. Good pitch, short punchy chapters, the first two of which introduce Luke and Alice with enough detail but not too much. Looks like an interesting and well crafted story. Can see why you're top 5!
Regards.
Adrian Lee

Simon,

I just read straight through all 7 chapters of Phasmatis. It is imaginative and appealing. After the tragedy of the first two chapters, the story is light and funny, which is clever and unexpected in a book about being dead. It reminds me a little of the TV show "Dead Like Me" and the movie "Beetlejuice." Ghost school is nice variation on wizard school, and should appeal to the target audience. There are hints of a detective aspect to come, too, which is always enjoyable in school stories. And there's even danger for the dead! The ensemble of characters has a good variety of personalities, mostly likable but distinct. I love Carla's "grandma expressions."

The text is polished and free of errors, something I always like to give a shout-out for. In 7 chapters, I noted one minor nitpick:

Ch 2
. . . looks of pity had become less and less and frequent . . . Delete the second "and".

Something else to think about: Alice is 12 when she dies. Would she still use the term "tummy"? If this had happened when she was 7, I wouldn't question it, but I think by 12, she would say "stomach." It's a minor issue, though, and certainly not a showstopper.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

Wonderful text!! amazing book!

This is great. I've been very impressed by some of the children's writing on this site (I notice you have "Shirtful of Frogs" on your list of favourites; just one example. If you haven't read Carl Ashmore's "The Time Hunters" you should. Your story will be joining it on my shelf. Splendind work that doesn't just content itself with ticking the kids' story boxes but approaches what could be a difficult subject with a combination of honesty and touching thoughtfilness that respects children's intelligence leavened with just the right amount of yuk. Faultless prose, to boot.

Nice pitch Simon. Just read your first chapter. I'm a bit of sucker for ghost stories and things left unsaid, unfinished. Oh and by the way, yes I definitely got your message, sorry I did not respond. I went straight for the novel instead. I'm going to back you manuscript, because I truly believe its a genuinely well written story, and that you have a way of grabbing your audience. I must emphasize however, you do not need to back mine for that reason. I only want a backing that is deserved, and any criticism that is constructive, and this is exactly why yours has my backing.

This is a great story for teens, and I believe it will be a huge success once published
All the very best
Helen

Hi Simon,

Made it in time; snuck laptop into work to read it. It's a weird tale with a delicate subject, well handled and straight into the action. Backed and Good luck.

Ray
The Starguards

This is a great idea, with great ingredients. pitch is excellent. i like the style very much. good luck with this.
"It has legs".
Eileen Kardos (The Noodle Trail)

Well, it's the end of the month pretty much and I don't think you're in much danger of falling off the top 5 but I'll happily give you a boost to keep you there for a few more days. I think the story you've written is very clever. And although it starts extremely sad (I really feel bad for Alice) you sneak in with facinating characters and subtle jokes (deathection!) as you go. I got to chapter 7 only but found it to be an easy, flowing read with an engaging plot that makes me want to read more... although I'm going to go to bed right now.

Good Luck. I'd love to your thoughts on Stand anytime.

Shakat
Stand

This is incredible, very good descriptions and characterisations, your dialogue is excellent, very marketable stuff. I think you've really got into the heads of your target-age group and this is a story that they can completely related too. Only possible point of note would be that perhaps you could do with a bit more description/scene setting at the outset, I would have liked to have seen a bit of more of Alice pre-death but that's quibbling really. Congratulations on getting such a high rating and the best of luck.
Alison

Simon,

I got through the first two chapters and from reading the other comments I have surmised that we have a couple of youths who have met untimely deaths. Neither was especially clear to me. I guess I'm supposed to hang in to get more information about what happened to them and what will happen next. I like that premise though i found the style to be a bit disjointed. It bounced around a lot (especially in the second chapter) like a stone skimming on a pond. In just a couple of paragraphs we dash through months of turmoil in the girl's home without an explanation and then all of a sudden she's dead. It felt like a lot of tell and not enough show and I felt confused as to why I was given that information at all. I can only assume it is significant to later in the story. I guess I would have preferred to have one scene that showed a fight, dischord in the family and then her death instead of a vague "months and months" back-story sequence leading to her death with is totally unrelated.

I think you could still do a lot of editing to clean up the language. Sometimes you bounce between tenses in the middle of paragraphs and it feels a little inconsistent in time perspective.

Otherwise, seems like a solid start and an interesting premise. I'll back it for you since you're right at the end here. I'd love to have your thoughts about my work as well.

Cheers,

Dustin (Dreamland)

Fabulously wonderful ideas, expertly crafted together. I could empathise with many of the issues raised throughout this sharp piece of writing.

Well done

Darren Martin

Talking Shop

Phantasmis Ch 1: I read Ch 1 and glanced at the glowing comments. The nice things they say are undoubtedly true.

Perhaps it is the news reporter in me that makes me say this next part (the inverted pyramid etc.) , but if you want to really grip my attention I think you might consider starting with a hi moment in the very first paragraph. For example "a thousand eyes were upon him and there was no turning back now." To me, that is a high moment. It catches my eye, rivets my attention, but I don't want to wait until the end of the page for that to happen. The hook. Don't forget the hook. Then you could always return to the part where "Luke stood alone ..."

Good luck to you. I will back you in return for putting you through suffering my honest opinion as well, ho ho ho.

F. Ellsworth Lockwood
"The Final Cruise"

Like it. Good clear style, well written, intriguing premise, nicely black and just about right for the age range.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Good job.
Some nitpicky things:
"Dunno, said the tall one-greasy hair and funny shaped ears." is a little odd. Why not, "said the tall, greasy one with funny shaped ears."
I wasn't quite sure how the boy died (pulled back, or stuck, but why not softened by the crush of bodies behind him?), Not sure why the singer's songs had to be "raunchy" and not just exciting/fun/peppy.
The girl's death was better and allows one to wonder if her death was planned or accidental.
I also liked the shroud of truth thing and how you had to go to ghost classes. That was a fun idea.

This an extraordinary novel. Your creativity is seemingly without boundaries, and you have the skills as a writer to transform the ideas in your head into a story in which all can enjoy. The most incredible part about the way you write is how believable you make the story out to be even in a situation which, by all accounts, should appear exactly the opposite. You have created an afterlife which few, if any, have ever dreamed of and, through the use of your characters, I was taken on the journey into the unknown along with Alice and Luke.

In one short introduction chapter for Alice and Luke, you have already caused me to become engaged with their life, or should I say death, which drives me to continue on with your fantastic novel. The use of subtle humor downplays the reality that your main characters have died and in a way made it appear as though they have never been more alive. I love the play on words used throughout the chapters I read. "Was that G...Go.." "Gordon, yes. He's general manager here." A great contrast to the actual meaning Alice searched for. "Evil is the reverse spelling of live." This is something I have never noticed until now even though it seems so obvious. It is an excellent realization that strikes a point to a reader and has already been portrayed in the treatment of Alice and Luke in the first two chapters.

I apologize for rambling on, but this is one of the best, if not the best, books I have read on authonomy.com. I can't wait to continue on, and I will let you know when I finish it what I think of the complete work.

Backed with pleasure,

Matthew

Gretings S. Richard,

Looks like I'm stuck in Phasmatis with Luke and Alice and will just have to continue reading to see how they make out.. But the smooth, seamless writing makes that an effortless pleasure.

I know you're already on the Big Desk and probably don't need my support, but I want to put in a word anyway. I want to lend my opinion that this is a beautiful, imaginative story that should please readers young or old, with its simple style and living characters. I fully endorse it and will return later to read more.

If you have time, you might take a look at my novel, "The Doctor of Summitville," a realistic story about a country doctor at the time of the Great Depression and his love for a girl too young for him yet, but whom he must release somehow from an impossible situation. For this attempt he pays a heavy price. I'd welcome your views on how I've handled this. For now, I'll wish you much deserved good fortune and gladly back your novel.

Best of luck, Bill

This is a great story both in content and technicality that draws the reader in. The pitch is good as it enthralls the reader but I do have to say that it seems slightly silmular to Eon Colfer's novel Wish List. This aside it is a brilliant piece of work that definately deserves to be published. Could you take a look at my novel The Sacred Pool.

Laurence

An excellent book for children and YA. Can't add anything more to what's already been said. Backed with pleasure.

Hi Simon,

Thank you for messaging me. I haven't been looking at the top books very much because I figured that they already have plenty of supporters, but I'm glad you made me take a look at Phasmatis. It's a great read! I also love that you have a youtube trailer. That's pretty awesome.
Backed with pleasure.
If you have the time, please take a look at Silver Flows East by E. Yazykova, I think you'll enjoy it.
Best,
KL

Simon.
You receive my backing because:
(1 your the first I've read in the YA genre, whose got the age level spot on
(2 Your pitch shows you've had staying power in pursuit of your dream
(3 You haven't spammed me (and more than once) unlike one of your rivals.
you seem set to stay in top 5, but hopefully this will be a small contribution
Bestregards
J.

I love this book and I'm keeping it on my bookshelf until it reaches the editor's desk! You deserve to be published.

Hailey Graham and the Secrets of the Cobalt Eye
Jenny

Hi Simon

YA literature is not really my thing but I really enjoyed your writing. Brought back so many memories of wanting to fit in at school... Maybe ghosts are the new vampires? Best of luck with this, backed.
Hope you like Fire in the Water

Kev

Enjoyed the opening two chapters, not sure if piled is the right word when Alice entered the lounge, but that’s just being picky. Overall the writing is good, and you want to read on. I’m placing this book on my watch list and intend to read more.

This is excellent, brilliant idea. I love the opening, though it is very sad, having been a victim of bullying myself at school. Your writing is excellent and flows so well with an excellent pace. Backed with great pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

815 comments, so what can I possibly say? Except, "backed".

Philip.

Simon,
Very well written--good job & good luck!
R.L. Meredith--A Ten Cent Movie

Hi Simon, I've read this already and I believe I backed it; if not, I'll slide it back onto my shelf again for a while.
Craig
The Job

Hi Simon. I'm short on time at the moment, but since you politely requested that I take a look at your book, I'll jot down a few quick comments about the start and the end of this first chapter. It is very interesting, a fabulous premise with promising characters. I just have a few style comments that are largely my own reading/writing preference, but that have a lot of basis in established writing methods.

>> Luke stood alone against the back wall of the playground, just as he did every break. <<

The first line of a novel is probably the single most important line, because agents often say that they trash most of their submissions after reading just the first line. Your first line is just a statement of fact (well, two facts) in classic telling instead of showing style. First, you told us that he's standing alone against the back wall. It's good that you clearly place him in the scene, but it's a cold way to do it. Then, much worse, you tell us a fact: he does so every break. This is the sort of thing that is not vital in and of itself, and that can be shown in a more emotional and general way from subsequent actions.


>> He watched the kids on the football pitch, wishing they would let him play. <<

Instead of hearing the author TELL me he watched them play, I would rather SEE some aspect of their play through his lonely eyes.


>> Not that he was any good. <<

Another fact told to us by the author.


Okay, I'll give you a quick, crude example of what I mean. This is rough. You can do better with some thought. But look at this:

Luke kicked at the dirt, sending a cloud of red dust swirling in the breeze. He leaned back against the playground wall, its old, weather-ravage wood threatening to leave a splinter in his back. It wouldn't be the first, or the last. Across the field, a football soared, and a kid in a torn green jersey ran to intercept it.

Let's look at what I did:
He kicked at the dirt. (He's lonely and bored.)
Red dust swirled. (It's what he saw, which prompts the reader to see the same thing and identify with him.)
He leaned against the wall. (This is where you want him, and it reinforces boredom.)
The splinter would not be the first or last. (This is a common thing for him to do.)
A football soared. (Another image of what he sees)
A kid ran after it. (Yet another image)

Do you see how I used his senses to paint a series of images for the reader? Do you agree that this sort of SHOWING is a lot more compelling than just having the author TELL the reader a couple of facts?


Okay, my day job is calling, so I can't go through the whole chapter like this. Maybe you disagree with me anyway, meaning that such an effort would be a waste of time. But if you do agree, you might consider revising every instance of the author telling facts. Instead, paint us pictures, including sound, smell, taste, and feel.

I hope this little bit helps.

Sandy Samson

At rank 3 you're already there. All I can add is that I hope you get beyond the desk into paid for print. I've only read three chapters so far, but I look forward to finding the full MS in print.

Any comments you have on 'Action!' would be welcome, as would a backing.

Alan Donaghue – Action!

Wow. I just read the first couple chapters of this one and I am so intrigued! The first two chapters, completely different stories yet it makes me want to keep reading and find out, how do they converge together? It completely draws me in right away. I thought it was great how you captured both male and female characters brilliantly. Both Luke and Alice, underdogs, which a lot of people of all ages can relate to and root for. I can't wait to read more!

Man, this is good. You have created a unique vision of the spirit world and a developed culture to accompany it. I like that the ghosts have their own vernacular and the Spectre School is a brilliant concept. I've read 4 chapters so far and am hungry to read more. This book is definitely worthy of being a popular read among teenagers and adults. Good luck with this!

Just read thefirst great chapter, I felt I was at the concert myself. Will definitely back this, and carry on reading more. I think it will bea very good read.

One thing that stands out to me so clearly, besides the really solid voice and style you have as an author, is the dialogue. It's sharp, real, and spot-on. Most of all, it's natural and believable to the characters. And the conceit of the book is fun. Being dead and learning how to be dead is really annoying and really funny, apparently, and what a great time I had in discovering that. I agree that there are many questions left unanswered, but I rather like that. It keeps me thinking about Luke and Alice. Backed, without a doubt.

I thought this was a very fluid read and well paced. Accessible, and not surprising to see you've done well with it. I was surprised that the boy seems to suffer no emotional damage after the playground attack, although perhaps that may be resolved in a later chapter I didn't reach. But generally, well done, good luck with it.

Very readable, engaging story, flowing writing, scenes come to life. Backed.

What a great first chapter! Your protagonist is so believable and the reader is immediately wishing him the best. All of us have 'been there' in some degree at age 14. Good luck with this - your writing style is excellent. Jayne

Excellent, stellar writing! I am very impressed and can see why this book is about to be reviewed by HC. I think your pitch is just perfect, especially the short pitch. I also watched your trailer and I think it's such a great way to tell readers a bit more about what to expect. Publishers are definitely looking for authors who are willing to be creative and self-promote in that way, so I'm sure they will be impressed with your trailer.

Best of luck with this! Can't wait to see it on bookshelves. (Real ones.) :)

Heidi Marshall
More

PHASMATIS 5/20/2010

The opening chapters tell me a lot about the characters and put me right into the story. But, in Chapter 2, I have to wonder if Luke could really be so naive and unconcerned about death, and how is it that he knows he's dead? There was no clue on the beach about that, except for the girl and the beach setting.

I like your ingenious invention of a training period for this sort of thing. It's humorous, but at the same time, eerie. The book seems to go on for some time about the training period. A book of this length will not keep the attention of children and the vocabulary is probably a bit rich for them. Young adults are better served by it, but with the tedious descriptions of the training programs, I think even they might be challenged a bit.

The writing is clear and easily read, but it could be tightened and shortened to make the story move along better. Perhaps a some of the less important details could be omitted to bring focus back onto the main story, itself.

I applaud your creativity and off-the-wall approach to a serious subject. I'm sure it will find favor with the younger set. Good luck.

Marc - Where's The Ivy

By chapter four it sounded like HP. A school for ghosts, learning to fly, walking through walls.

I was interested to know how Luke and Alice died, that would be the first question on my lips if I unexpectedly folded my hand.

I don't have much to do with childrens books, not any more, you might be lucky, but your "school for ghosts" is already in the shadow.

I suggest you try a Childrens book publisher, see what they say, they may say nothing, but then again...

Grammatically speaking, you should check your sentence structure, try to tighten things up a little, shorten the first chapter, it's much too long, especially the (boring) gig bit. End it with Luke's death, as in Alice's chapter, as things don't pick up until chapter three.
Best of luck

Very engaging even though I'm 25 years above the target audience. Alice has the same birthday as me too!

A very realistic interpretation of how dying and after life could be. Haing not died yet, I don't know for sure! Quite sad first chapters, it was hard to read about Alice's struggles. Convincing dialogue [my favourite bit of a story], it flows well.

A very realistic interpretation of how dying and after life could be. Haing not died yet, I don't know for sure! Quite sad first chapters, it was hard to read about Alice's struggles. Convincing dialogue [my favourite bit of a story], it flows well.