Book Jacket

 

rank  Editors Pick
word count 17700
date submitted 28.05.2009
date updated 03.06.2011
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult
classification: universal
incomplete

Phasmatis: Back to Life

Simon Betterton

They're kids. They die. That's not the way it should be.
Alice and Luke need to get back and sort things out. But how?

 

Alice and Luke's lives ended way too soon. Things unfinished. Problems to solve. Revenge.

But you can't become a ghost without learning the chains. Wearing a white sheet is more complicated than it looks, and walking through a wall could lead to a bump on the nose.

If spectral education has its problems, a malevolent force at work in Phasmatis leads to even greater dangers, and Alice and Luke's very existence is on the line. They can't die, but they can double-die. And that's much, much worse. They might end up fighting for more than just their lives.

The first in the Phasmatis Trilogy.

11 of 45 chapters uploaded. Complete at 68,000 words.
Aimed at 12-14 year-olds.

watch the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sih2GCrxPY0

 
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big questions, death, life

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Luke 

Luke stood alone against the back wall of the playground, watching the kids playing football. A wayward shot sent the ball bouncing in his direction, but he knew better than to kick it back. They had a real go at him last time he touched ‘their ball’. If they’d just let him join in, he could get talking to someone and it might lead to his first friend.

Perhaps the two boys nearby would speak to him. Someone had to eventually.

“So where we gonna meet on Friday for the Sheer gig?” the short, ginger boy said, without even a glance towards Luke.

Maybe, just maybe, this would be a way to get to know them. Luke loved Sheer.

“Dunno,” said the tall one – greasy hair and funny shaped ears. “Text me.” Then his head turned towards Luke. “You looking at us, Farm Boy?”

Since joining the school four weeks ago, Luke had tried to minimise his Cornish accent, but they all picked up on it. No. Better not to say anything to these two, but the words just came out. “I’ve got a ticket for Sheer. We could go together.”

Ears stared at Luke, then nodded towards the other side of the playground. No more words were said, and Luke was well aware this could go very wrong, but he couldn’t back out now.

They reached a corner, out of sight of the teacher on playground duty. “So you’re going to see Sheer?” said Ears.

“Yeah.”

Ears pushed his face right in front of Luke’s. “I don’t think so.”

“Er… I’ve got a ticket, so why wouldn’t I go?”

Luke just managed to duck out of the way of an attempted headbutt, but Ginger grabbed his arms and Ears sent a fist thumping into his guts, knocking all the wind out of him. “If I see you.” A second punch. “At Sheer.” A third into the ribs. “You’re dead meat.” A fourth. “Understand?” A final punch in the side.

A last kick as he lay on the ground sent new pain surging through him and bile seeping up his throat. The boys walked away, laughing. “Seeya, Farm Boy.”

He got up, but immediately doubled over, hurting badly, waiting for the pain to subside. Well that hadn’t gone to plan. Making friends would have to wait, but it certainly wouldn’t stop him going to see Sheer.

 

The bruises were a dark purple three days later, and his ribs still really hurt, but it was Friday afternoon and Luke could hardly contain himself. His mum kissed him goodbye and handed him an envelope. “Now don’t forget to post it. And have a lovely time at the barbecue.

“I will,” he said, feeling guilty about the necessary lie. She’d never let him go to a concert on his own in London.

If only Lauren had been there. She was the only girlfriend he’d ever had, but she was ‘sensible enough’ (according to his mum) to know it wouldn’t last if he was 300 miles away.

And that was only one reason why the last month had been the hardest in the fourteen years of his life. His mum said the move up to the capital was a job opportunity she couldn’t turn down, and initially the idea had sent tingles down his spine. But then he started to miss not only Lauren, but also his mates. Evenings and weekends became empty, eventless spaces television and internet only papering over the cracks of his boredom. The concert was the first thing he’d really looked forward to since leaving Cornwall.

When he’d found out about Sheer, he’d immediately got on Messenger. ‘Lauren, Matt, Jon - Can you make it? Brixton Academy – best gig venue in the city!’

None of them could. Parents.

On the underground bound for Brixton, the sight of his reflection in the tube window caused a sudden loss of confidence. The jeans were fine, but the flowery shirt? Honestly, what had made him think orange and green was a cool combination?

He arrived at the Brixton Academy and had a tentative look around. After the threats, part of him wanted to avoid the two kids from school, but another part wanted to see them, and them to see him – show them he could stand up to anyone. Maybe they’d respect him for that. He’d do anything to make friends, even ones who didn’t like him.

The line outside the venue was a hundred long already. Should he join it now or stand around pretending to wait for others? Some people nearby laughed. They must have seen his flowery shirt.

And what about his mum’s letter? It was addressed to someone in New York. Maybe that was where his dad was from. (“Spencer was a good man, but just not cut out to be a father,” was all his mum had ever said about him.)

He looked for a post-box, but if he didn’t join the queue soon, he’d have no chance of getting near the stage. In the distance up Brixton Hill, he thought he could see one. Too far. The letter could wait. He just had to be sure not to lose it during the concert. He joined the back of the line.

Within minutes there was a rush of excitement as the doors opened and everyone started moving. Luke ran through the entrance hall and towards the stage. Not quick enough to get that all-important position right at the front, but pretty close. He would be less than three metres from lead singer, Candy Kendrick.

It was a tense wait as the roadies prepared the set, and the pressure of the crowd on all sides built with every passing minute. Even on tiptoes he couldn’t see much the people in front were at least a head taller than him. Most Sheer fans were teenagers, but at fourteen, Luke was most likely one of the very youngest at the gig.

Then, from the darkness, Spin, the lead guitarist, ripped into a chord, announcing the first instantly recognisable song, Deek. A massive roar went up as the lights flared. The two giants in front of Luke parted for a second and he had a perfect view as Candy strutted out on stage. A wide smile spread across his face.

“She looks fantastic!” he shouted to the fan next to him, very glad he’d worn his contact lenses rather than his glasses.

“Yeah, unbelievable!” the guy shouted back.

Luke bounced up and down and sang along with everyone else as Candy pumped out the words. “I’m a deek. I’m a zero.” Now it didn’t matter he was on his own. He’d never felt so good about anything. Ever.

The first song finished with a final thrashing chord from Spin’s guitar, and Luke joined in the roars and applause. Then a slight space appeared in front of him. Could he get between the two basketball players? He had to have a go.

It worked. He was a metre nearer the stage and with a much better view.

The second song, No Gravity was just as wild as the first. "Floating. We're floating." Luke sang out the words at the top of his voice. Another gap opened up in front of him. He moved forward. Another metre closer.

He glanced around at the fans nearby and saw the one person he did, and didn’t want to see. Ears was only two people away to the left, staring at the band. A rush of nerves coursed through Luke at how close the guy who’d beaten him up was. He could also make out the top of a ginger head, obviously unable to see much. Luke allowed himself a smile.

By the middle of the third song his flowery shirt was soaked and the smell of sweat hung in the air. He might have some explaining to do to his mum and her sensitive nose, but it didn’t matter because he was there, right at the front. He couldn’t believe it.

Guitar chords tore over his head and Candy screamed into the microphone. Luke was shoved into the security barrier time and again, but now the pain in his ribs didn’t matter at all.

All he could think of was getting onto the stage and dancing with the band. It looked impossible, but at the end of the next song, and only for a split second, the crush subsided and the man next to him took the opportunity to crouch down, looking for something he’d dropped.

Then he saw his chance. He’d show Ears and Ginger he was no Cornish yokel scared of bullies like them. In a second he’d used the guy’s back as the step up he needed to heave himself onto the narrow security barrier. A final push off the crouching fan and he was on the top, swaying back and forward.

Now for the big leap across the divide before the security heavies in the pit grabbed him, and he’d be there, right alongside Candy Kendrick. He was having the time of his life. It really couldn’t get any better. 

High above the rest of the fans, Luke balanced on top of the security barrier. A thousand eyes were on him and there was no turning back now. He launched himself forward, but just at that moment his shirt seemed to snag on something. He felt the ripping material and he pivoted in midair. The stage fell out of view and the lights above came into sight.

He started plunging backwards.

 

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HarperCollins Wrote

Your novel is full of fun twists and turns that really keep the reader guessing! You do a good job of lulling your audience into a false sense of security only to whip the rug out from under them at the most surprising times. I had a really enjoyable time reviewing your story and I do have some thoughts on how to make it even stronger in order to help it find a place in the teen market.

I’d encourage you to work on fleshing out the characters – Luke and Alice AND all of the supporting cast. I never felt like I truly knew any of them. While Luke and Alice are both very sympathetic, their personalities and voices never jumped off the page as much as I would have liked. In today’s teen market, you really need teen characters that readers will relate to. Is there a way to let us know more about each of them? More about what they did in their day-to-day lives, or what they did for fun? This may especially go for Alice. Her home life is so horrific that it would be great to understand how she found her balance throughout the years. Why did it take her so long to think about running away?

I also found it a little hard to grasp the true tenor of the book. For much of the beginning, it feels very light. Even though the characters die tragic deaths, they all seem to keep their sense of humor, and things in the after life seem relatively light and cheerful. However, I was thrown off by the evil concepts and where that was leading us. If you see this as a darker book, I’d suggest making sure that the tone matches that throughout. There can still be humor in dark books, of course, but here it seems the humor outweighs the darkness, so it’s hard to take the dark parts as seriously as I think you would want readers to, or for your audience to truly feel the tension.

I confess I got a little confused during all of the explanations about what they would be doing in their after life, especially when they brought up “concepts.” There’s so much telling in those sections, and while we need to know what’s going on, it felt a bit like an information overload. Can you space out the information as it’s given? Maybe we don’t need to know everything all at once? I also couldn’t help wondering whether some of the classes and activities might feel a little young for a teen audience. The way you’ve structured the classes is really entertaining, but much of the white sheet/chain actions felt more suitable to a younger audience. How would you feel about giving them classes that seem a little darker? Maybe they could be more focused even on psychological haunting, as opposed to the classic ghost-in-white-sheet haunting.

I do think you have the basis for a very pacey and interesting read and I hope that these suggestions help you to work on the novel in order to make it the strongest possible. Good luck!

Mchahn2990 wrote 728 days ago

This an extraordinary novel. Your creativity is seemingly without boundaries, and you have the skills as a writer to transform the ideas in your head into a story in which all can enjoy. The most incredible part about the way you write is how believable you make the story out to be even in a situation which, by all accounts, should appear exactly the opposite. You have created an afterlife which few, if any, have ever dreamed of and, through the use of your characters, I was taken on the journey into the unknown along with Alice and Luke.

In one short introduction chapter for Alice and Luke, you have already caused me to become engaged with their life, or should I say death, which drives me to continue on with your fantastic novel. The use of subtle humor downplays the reality that your main characters have died and in a way made it appear as though they have never been more alive. I love the play on words used throughout the chapters I read. "Was that G...Go.." "Gordon, yes. He's general manager here." A great contrast to the actual meaning Alice searched for. "Evil is the reverse spelling of live." This is something I have never noticed until now even though it seems so obvious. It is an excellent realization that strikes a point to a reader and has already been portrayed in the treatment of Alice and Luke in the first two chapters.

I apologize for rambling on, but this is one of the best, if not the best, books I have read on authonomy.com. I can't wait to continue on, and I will let you know when I finish it what I think of the complete work.

Backed with pleasure,

Matthew

Naphilia wrote 737 days ago

This is an insanely amazing book. It's just such a brilliant idea! I love it all, although I was very sad to see Alice and Beth go... but surely you wouldn't have focussed on her so much if that was it? It's so annoying when I get to the end of a great book like this and there's so many questions unanswered! Like what's missing? And how's Luke going to get his own back? Aargh, need to know!!!
There haven't been many stories on this site where I've lived it, not read it, but this one I lived every second (died every second? I mean, they are dead...). Usually I find a few spelling or grammatical mistakes but I didn't find any! Well, either that or I was so caught up in the stroy that I didn't notice them!
This could easily be a best seller with young adults - I mean, I'm 16 and I love it so I'd extend your age group just a little :P

Amy
x

PS. A testimony to how good it is: I so should've been doing Biology revision...

S Richard Betterton wrote 775 days ago

JJ Palooka (Miles, of Taggers) wrote (in a message):
I just think your book is one of the absolute most marketable things I've stumbled upon here.
It's a total sure-fire hit. I can see it being a movie, or a set of movies or even a TV series (hope you don't find that insulting).
Well, it's just one of those ideas that seems like, "Hey, why didn't I ever think about that?"
Imagine huge book series, a la R.L. Stine's Goosebumps' anthology...
With the right agent, this could take you and your entire family to the high life, I suspect, for generations.
I'm gushing a bit here, but I don't do it often. But you're sitting on a veritable gold mine, man. I really hope you persist with the agent and publisher hunting.

Miss Wells wrote 806 days ago

Fabulous opening scene where you cleverly invert a deep need of human nature – to emerge from the crowd onto the stage – except you depict literally what usually we metaphorically envisage.
The parallel lines of the male and female predicament is a nice touch too. Complicity at a distance. The sense of these two lines converging like some law of physics. And the idea of adversity revealing new resources is a fine poetic truth children do well in learning.
Nice dry humour in chapter three. The chirpily rational tone of the guide nicely ironic in a realm apparently bereft of any rational guidelines. The lisp is another delicious touch.
This is bright and compelling with bags of vitality. Excellent tone which maintains a necessary innocence while subtly enveloping the story with an atmosphere of perpetually dawning wisdom.

zan wrote 915 days ago

Back to Life
Simon Betterton

Simon,
You have an incredible imagination indeed. Wonderful storyline here to engage, stimulate and engross. As I interact myself on a daily basis with children within your targeted age group and knowing their tastes, I have no doubt this piece would appeal to them. And I think it was good that you designed a storyline involving both a male and female character for them to identify with so you are able to capture both sexes and enable this with broad appeal. Both Luke and Alice are believable and when me meet them at first, Luke in ch one and Alice in ch 2, you do a good job not only with their introduction to the reader, but with enabling the reader to immediately take to them – and I think the feeling sorry for Alice sentiment which strikes immediately, was most compelling. The story flowed well and kept going with appropriate momentum and energy. The imaginative features of your ghostworld are simply amazing, and commenting as an adult who is not part of your target audience, I must say that apart from fantasy, this has, as I see it, an alternative ingredient ever present in existential fiction which makes it quite appealing to me, and I suspect, to other adults as well. Very interesting and delightful Simon. Hope it does very well.

Wishing you every success,
Zan

mascaras wrote 535 days ago

What did you think of Harper Collins' review? Honestly?

elf_friend wrote 640 days ago

Hi,

I read this soon after joining the site last year and it's great to see you made the Editors' Desk - congratulations! The changes you've made look good and I think they improve the flow of the story.

I guess I'll have to take your book off my shelf for a while, but do look forward to seeing how things work out :)

All the best,
elf_friend

Araceli wrote 689 days ago

Very nice beginning. It is a very original plot and it deserves very much to be developed. It reminds me the kind of R. Dahl stories that I used to liked (and still do) very much. Some of my suggestions for following chapters would be to introduced some flashback chapters on how the life of the main characters used to be when they were alive. This way, the reader could get a broader view of them. I also think that the notion of 'knowledge' after death worths to be explored in depth, for example if you know things that you ignored when being alive or if you have the capability to get to know them somehow (I leave that in your hands).

Good luck,
Araceli

StaKC wrote 722 days ago

Sorry I didn't get to commenting sooner. This is brilliant, wonderfully imaginitive, perfectly painted characters, and a great plot to put them in. I would defninitely buy this one if it were sitting on a shelf in a bookstore. Good luck with it.

Jess W@gn3r wrote 723 days ago

Congrats on the gold star! I meant to back this before, but didn't have the chance; looks like you don't need it now, but I'll back it regardless. You write very well, and I definitely like the plot; the only mistake I noticed was that at the end of chapter one you misspelled "meter" (you wrote "metre").

If you have time, please take a look at my book, Redemption. I'd appreciate it very much.

~Jess
Redemption.

Tom Bye wrote 724 days ago

congratulations
tom bye 'from hugs to kisses'

sharon cooper wrote 724 days ago

Congratulations. Best of luck.
Sharon Cooper
Seka

philip john wrote 724 days ago

Well done, Simon

Philip John

acmlee wrote 724 days ago

Hi Simon - Finally got in and checked out the first three chapters of 'Back To Life'.
Good work. Good pitch, short punchy chapters, the first two of which introduce Luke and Alice with enough detail but not too much. Looks like an interesting and well crafted story. Can see why you're top 5!
Regards.
Adrian Lee

Karen Eisenbrey wrote 724 days ago

Simon,

I just read straight through all 7 chapters of Phasmatis. It is imaginative and appealing. After the tragedy of the first two chapters, the story is light and funny, which is clever and unexpected in a book about being dead. It reminds me a little of the TV show "Dead Like Me" and the movie "Beetlejuice." Ghost school is nice variation on wizard school, and should appeal to the target audience. There are hints of a detective aspect to come, too, which is always enjoyable in school stories. And there's even danger for the dead! The ensemble of characters has a good variety of personalities, mostly likable but distinct. I love Carla's "grandma expressions."

The text is polished and free of errors, something I always like to give a shout-out for. In 7 chapters, I noted one minor nitpick:

Ch 2
. . . looks of pity had become less and less and frequent . . . Delete the second "and".

Something else to think about: Alice is 12 when she dies. Would she still use the term "tummy"? If this had happened when she was 7, I wouldn't question it, but I think by 12, she would say "stomach." It's a minor issue, though, and certainly not a showstopper.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

MIniMary wrote 725 days ago

Wonderful text!! amazing book!

Cruse wrote 725 days ago

This is great. I've been very impressed by some of the children's writing on this site (I notice you have "Shirtful of Frogs" on your list of favourites; just one example. If you haven't read Carl Ashmore's "The Time Hunters" you should. Your story will be joining it on my shelf. Splendind work that doesn't just content itself with ticking the kids' story boxes but approaches what could be a difficult subject with a combination of honesty and touching thoughtfilness that respects children's intelligence leavened with just the right amount of yuk. Faultless prose, to boot.

Despinas1 wrote 725 days ago

Nice pitch Simon. Just read your first chapter. I'm a bit of sucker for ghost stories and things left unsaid, unfinished. Oh and by the way, yes I definitely got your message, sorry I did not respond. I went straight for the novel instead. I'm going to back you manuscript, because I truly believe its a genuinely well written story, and that you have a way of grabbing your audience. I must emphasize however, you do not need to back mine for that reason. I only want a backing that is deserved, and any criticism that is constructive, and this is exactly why yours has my backing.

This is a great story for teens, and I believe it will be a huge success once published
All the very best
Helen

ray burke wrote 726 days ago

Hi Simon,

Made it in time; snuck laptop into work to read it. It's a weird tale with a delicate subject, well handled and straight into the action. Backed and Good luck.

Ray
The Starguards

Eileen Kardos wrote 726 days ago

This is a great idea, with great ingredients. pitch is excellent. i like the style very much. good luck with this.
"It has legs".
Eileen Kardos (The Noodle Trail)

Shakat wrote 726 days ago

Well, it's the end of the month pretty much and I don't think you're in much danger of falling off the top 5 but I'll happily give you a boost to keep you there for a few more days. I think the story you've written is very clever. And although it starts extremely sad (I really feel bad for Alice) you sneak in with facinating characters and subtle jokes (deathection!) as you go. I got to chapter 7 only but found it to be an easy, flowing read with an engaging plot that makes me want to read more... although I'm going to go to bed right now.

Good Luck. I'd love to your thoughts on Stand anytime.

Shakat
Stand

MistressofRotherhithe wrote 726 days ago

This is incredible, very good descriptions and characterisations, your dialogue is excellent, very marketable stuff. I think you've really got into the heads of your target-age group and this is a story that they can completely related too. Only possible point of note would be that perhaps you could do with a bit more description/scene setting at the outset, I would have liked to have seen a bit of more of Alice pre-death but that's quibbling really. Congratulations on getting such a high rating and the best of luck.
Alison

Du5T1n wrote 727 days ago

Simon,

I got through the first two chapters and from reading the other comments I have surmised that we have a couple of youths who have met untimely deaths. Neither was especially clear to me. I guess I'm supposed to hang in to get more information about what happened to them and what will happen next. I like that premise though i found the style to be a bit disjointed. It bounced around a lot (especially in the second chapter) like a stone skimming on a pond. In just a couple of paragraphs we dash through months of turmoil in the girl's home without an explanation and then all of a sudden she's dead. It felt like a lot of tell and not enough show and I felt confused as to why I was given that information at all. I can only assume it is significant to later in the story. I guess I would have preferred to have one scene that showed a fight, dischord in the family and then her death instead of a vague "months and months" back-story sequence leading to her death with is totally unrelated.

I think you could still do a lot of editing to clean up the language. Sometimes you bounce between tenses in the middle of paragraphs and it feels a little inconsistent in time perspective.

Otherwise, seems like a solid start and an interesting premise. I'll back it for you since you're right at the end here. I'd love to have your thoughts about my work as well.

Cheers,

Dustin (Dreamland)

Bob Flemming wrote 727 days ago

Fabulously wonderful ideas, expertly crafted together. I could empathise with many of the issues raised throughout this sharp piece of writing.

Well done

Darren Martin

Talking Shop

EltopiaAuthor wrote 727 days ago

Phantasmis Ch 1: I read Ch 1 and glanced at the glowing comments. The nice things they say are undoubtedly true.

Perhaps it is the news reporter in me that makes me say this next part (the inverted pyramid etc.) , but if you want to really grip my attention I think you might consider starting with a hi moment in the very first paragraph. For example "a thousand eyes were upon him and there was no turning back now." To me, that is a high moment. It catches my eye, rivets my attention, but I don't want to wait until the end of the page for that to happen. The hook. Don't forget the hook. Then you could always return to the part where "Luke stood alone ..."

Good luck to you. I will back you in return for putting you through suffering my honest opinion as well, ho ho ho.

F. Ellsworth Lockwood
"The Final Cruise"

J.S.Watts wrote 727 days ago

Like it. Good clear style, well written, intriguing premise, nicely black and just about right for the age range.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Stephanie225 wrote 728 days ago

Good job.
Some nitpicky things:
"Dunno, said the tall one-greasy hair and funny shaped ears." is a little odd. Why not, "said the tall, greasy one with funny shaped ears."
I wasn't quite sure how the boy died (pulled back, or stuck, but why not softened by the crush of bodies behind him?), Not sure why the singer's songs had to be "raunchy" and not just exciting/fun/peppy.
The girl's death was better and allows one to wonder if her death was planned or accidental.
I also liked the shroud of truth thing and how you had to go to ghost classes. That was a fun idea.

Mchahn2990 wrote 728 days ago

This an extraordinary novel. Your creativity is seemingly without boundaries, and you have the skills as a writer to transform the ideas in your head into a story in which all can enjoy. The most incredible part about the way you write is how believable you make the story out to be even in a situation which, by all accounts, should appear exactly the opposite. You have created an afterlife which few, if any, have ever dreamed of and, through the use of your characters, I was taken on the journey into the unknown along with Alice and Luke.

In one short introduction chapter for Alice and Luke, you have already caused me to become engaged with their life, or should I say death, which drives me to continue on with your fantastic novel. The use of subtle humor downplays the reality that your main characters have died and in a way made it appear as though they have never been more alive. I love the play on words used throughout the chapters I read. "Was that G...Go.." "Gordon, yes. He's general manager here." A great contrast to the actual meaning Alice searched for. "Evil is the reverse spelling of live." This is something I have never noticed until now even though it seems so obvious. It is an excellent realization that strikes a point to a reader and has already been portrayed in the treatment of Alice and Luke in the first two chapters.

I apologize for rambling on, but this is one of the best, if not the best, books I have read on authonomy.com. I can't wait to continue on, and I will let you know when I finish it what I think of the complete work.

Backed with pleasure,

Matthew

Bill Carrigan wrote 728 days ago

Gretings S. Richard,

Looks like I'm stuck in Phasmatis with Luke and Alice and will just have to continue reading to see how they make out.. But the smooth, seamless writing makes that an effortless pleasure.

I know you're already on the Big Desk and probably don't need my support, but I want to put in a word anyway. I want to lend my opinion that this is a beautiful, imaginative story that should please readers young or old, with its simple style and living characters. I fully endorse it and will return later to read more.

If you have time, you might take a look at my novel, "The Doctor of Summitville," a realistic story about a country doctor at the time of the Great Depression and his love for a girl too young for him yet, but whom he must release somehow from an impossible situation. For this attempt he pays a heavy price. I'd welcome your views on how I've handled this. For now, I'll wish you much deserved good fortune and gladly back your novel.

Best of luck, Bill

lbrammer1992 wrote 728 days ago

This is a great story both in content and technicality that draws the reader in. The pitch is good as it enthralls the reader but I do have to say that it seems slightly silmular to Eon Colfer's novel Wish List. This aside it is a brilliant piece of work that definately deserves to be published. Could you take a look at my novel The Sacred Pool.

Laurence

mickeyd wrote 729 days ago

An excellent book for children and YA. Can't add anything more to what's already been said. Backed with pleasure.

knightedlioness wrote 729 days ago

Hi Simon,

Thank you for messaging me. I haven't been looking at the top books very much because I figured that they already have plenty of supporters, but I'm glad you made me take a look at Phasmatis. It's a great read! I also love that you have a youtube trailer. That's pretty awesome.
Backed with pleasure.
If you have the time, please take a look at Silver Flows East by E. Yazykova, I think you'll enjoy it.
Best,
KL

James_Hall wrote 729 days ago

Simon.
You receive my backing because:
(1 your the first I've read in the YA genre, whose got the age level spot on
(2 Your pitch shows you've had staying power in pursuit of your dream
(3 You haven't spammed me (and more than once) unlike one of your rivals.
you seem set to stay in top 5, but hopefully this will be a small contribution
Bestregards
J.

jnbm63 wrote 730 days ago

I love this book and I'm keeping it on my bookshelf until it reaches the editor's desk! You deserve to be published.

Hailey Graham and the Secrets of the Cobalt Eye
Jenny

Lord Biro wrote 730 days ago

Hi Simon

YA literature is not really my thing but I really enjoyed your writing. Brought back so many memories of wanting to fit in at school... Maybe ghosts are the new vampires? Best of luck with this, backed.
Hope you like Fire in the Water

Kev

quackers wrote 730 days ago

Enjoyed the opening two chapters, not sure if piled is the right word when Alice entered the lounge, but that’s just being picky. Overall the writing is good, and you want to read on. I’m placing this book on my watch list and intend to read more.

Sandie Newman wrote 730 days ago

This is excellent, brilliant idea. I love the opening, though it is very sad, having been a victim of bullying myself at school. Your writing is excellent and flows so well with an excellent pace. Backed with great pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Philip Antony wrote 731 days ago

815 comments, so what can I possibly say? Except, "backed".

Philip.

R.L. Meredith wrote 731 days ago

Simon,
Very well written--good job & good luck!
R.L. Meredith--A Ten Cent Movie

CraigD wrote 731 days ago

Hi Simon, I've read this already and I believe I backed it; if not, I'll slide it back onto my shelf again for a while.
Craig
The Job

Sandy Samson wrote 731 days ago

Hi Simon. I'm short on time at the moment, but since you politely requested that I take a look at your book, I'll jot down a few quick comments about the start and the end of this first chapter. It is very interesting, a fabulous premise with promising characters. I just have a few style comments that are largely my own reading/writing preference, but that have a lot of basis in established writing methods.

>> Luke stood alone against the back wall of the playground, just as he did every break. <<

The first line of a novel is probably the single most important line, because agents often say that they trash most of their submissions after reading just the first line. Your first line is just a statement of fact (well, two facts) in classic telling instead of showing style. First, you told us that he's standing alone against the back wall. It's good that you clearly place him in the scene, but it's a cold way to do it. Then, much worse, you tell us a fact: he does so every break. This is the sort of thing that is not vital in and of itself, and that can be shown in a more emotional and general way from subsequent actions.


>> He watched the kids on the football pitch, wishing they would let him play. <<

Instead of hearing the author TELL me he watched them play, I would rather SEE some aspect of their play through his lonely eyes.


>> Not that he was any good. <<

Another fact told to us by the author.


Okay, I'll give you a quick, crude example of what I mean. This is rough. You can do better with some thought. But look at this:

Luke kicked at the dirt, sending a cloud of red dust swirling in the breeze. He leaned back against the playground wall, its old, weather-ravage wood threatening to leave a splinter in his back. It wouldn't be the first, or the last. Across the field, a football soared, and a kid in a torn green jersey ran to intercept it.

Let's look at what I did:
He kicked at the dirt. (He's lonely and bored.)
Red dust swirled. (It's what he saw, which prompts the reader to see the same thing and identify with him.)
He leaned against the wall. (This is where you want him, and it reinforces boredom.)
The splinter would not be the first or last. (This is a common thing for him to do.)
A football soared. (Another image of what he sees)
A kid ran after it. (Yet another image)

Do you see how I used his senses to paint a series of images for the reader? Do you agree that this sort of SHOWING is a lot more compelling than just having the author TELL the reader a couple of facts?


Okay, my day job is calling, so I can't go through the whole chapter like this. Maybe you disagree with me anyway, meaning that such an effort would be a waste of time. But if you do agree, you might consider revising every instance of the author telling facts. Instead, paint us pictures, including sound, smell, taste, and feel.

I hope this little bit helps.

Sandy Samson

Alan Donaghue wrote 731 days ago

At rank 3 you're already there. All I can add is that I hope you get beyond the desk into paid for print. I've only read three chapters so far, but I look forward to finding the full MS in print.

Any comments you have on 'Action!' would be welcome, as would a backing.

Alan Donaghue – Action!

jazzybrunette wrote 732 days ago

Wow. I just read the first couple chapters of this one and I am so intrigued! The first two chapters, completely different stories yet it makes me want to keep reading and find out, how do they converge together? It completely draws me in right away. I thought it was great how you captured both male and female characters brilliantly. Both Luke and Alice, underdogs, which a lot of people of all ages can relate to and root for. I can't wait to read more!

T.R. Braxton wrote 732 days ago

Man, this is good. You have created a unique vision of the spirit world and a developed culture to accompany it. I like that the ghosts have their own vernacular and the Spectre School is a brilliant concept. I've read 4 chapters so far and am hungry to read more. This book is definitely worthy of being a popular read among teenagers and adults. Good luck with this!

villette wrote 732 days ago

Just read thefirst great chapter, I felt I was at the concert myself. Will definitely back this, and carry on reading more. I think it will bea very good read.

Michael Somers wrote 734 days ago

One thing that stands out to me so clearly, besides the really solid voice and style you have as an author, is the dialogue. It's sharp, real, and spot-on. Most of all, it's natural and believable to the characters. And the conceit of the book is fun. Being dead and learning how to be dead is really annoying and really funny, apparently, and what a great time I had in discovering that. I agree that there are many questions left unanswered, but I rather like that. It keeps me thinking about Luke and Alice. Backed, without a doubt.

Robert Sharon wrote 734 days ago

I thought this was a very fluid read and well paced. Accessible, and not surprising to see you've done well with it. I was surprised that the boy seems to suffer no emotional damage after the playground attack, although perhaps that may be resolved in a later chapter I didn't reach. But generally, well done, good luck with it.

Roland Callan wrote 734 days ago

Very readable, engaging story, flowing writing, scenes come to life. Backed.

Jayne Lind wrote 735 days ago

What a great first chapter! Your protagonist is so believable and the reader is immediately wishing him the best. All of us have 'been there' in some degree at age 14. Good luck with this - your writing style is excellent. Jayne

heids124 wrote 735 days ago

Excellent, stellar writing! I am very impressed and can see why this book is about to be reviewed by HC. I think your pitch is just perfect, especially the short pitch. I also watched your trailer and I think it's such a great way to tell readers a bit more about what to expect. Publishers are definitely looking for authors who are willing to be creative and self-promote in that way, so I'm sure they will be impressed with your trailer.

Best of luck with this! Can't wait to see it on bookshelves. (Real ones.) :)

Heidi Marshall
More

theweed wrote 736 days ago

PHASMATIS 5/20/2010

The opening chapters tell me a lot about the characters and put me right into the story. But, in Chapter 2, I have to wonder if Luke could really be so naive and unconcerned about death, and how is it that he knows he's dead? There was no clue on the beach about that, except for the girl and the beach setting.

I like your ingenious invention of a training period for this sort of thing. It's humorous, but at the same time, eerie. The book seems to go on for some time about the training period. A book of this length will not keep the attention of children and the vocabulary is probably a bit rich for them. Young adults are better served by it, but with the tedious descriptions of the training programs, I think even they might be challenged a bit.

The writing is clear and easily read, but it could be tightened and shortened to make the story move along better. Perhaps a some of the less important details could be omitted to bring focus back onto the main story, itself.

I applaud your creativity and off-the-wall approach to a serious subject. I'm sure it will find favor with the younger set. Good luck.

Marc - Where's The Ivy

RebeccaT wrote 736 days ago

By chapter four it sounded like HP. A school for ghosts, learning to fly, walking through walls.

I was interested to know how Luke and Alice died, that would be the first question on my lips if I unexpectedly folded my hand.

I don't have much to do with childrens books, not any more, you might be lucky, but your "school for ghosts" is already in the shadow.

I suggest you try a Childrens book publisher, see what they say, they may say nothing, but then again...

Grammatically speaking, you should check your sentence structure, try to tighten things up a little, shorten the first chapter, it's much too long, especially the (boring) gig bit. End it with Luke's death, as in Alice's chapter, as things don't pick up until chapter three.
Best of luck

Alan Martin wrote 736 days ago

Very engaging even though I'm 25 years above the target audience. Alice has the same birthday as me too!

Ismay wrote 736 days ago

A very realistic interpretation of how dying and after life could be. Haing not died yet, I don't know for sure! Quite sad first chapters, it was hard to read about Alice's struggles. Convincing dialogue [my favourite bit of a story], it flows well.

Ismay wrote 736 days ago

A very realistic interpretation of how dying and after life could be. Haing not died yet, I don't know for sure! Quite sad first chapters, it was hard to read about Alice's struggles. Convincing dialogue [my favourite bit of a story], it flows well.