Jonny and the Magic Watch: A Prehistoric Tale

The grandkids have to suffer my reading some of the children's books to them at the weekends but they lapped this up. :)
Gets my backing for passing the J and G test.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Marilyn, your have a very adventurous novel--the Jonny character is superbly written. The writing is compelling and the ending of chapter one left me satisfied—and ready to see what happened next. I felt the language was precise and it gave me a sense of atmosphere. The story has many little gems planted throughout the book—appealing
Great storytelling
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Hey, Marilyn. I, too, have a time travel book. Others have pointed out some things, so I won't go there, but I enjoyed reading your work. Hope to see more of you in the future.

Shelved,
Dave
Visions

Hi Marilyn.
This is a charming story which has bags of potential. An adventurous boy and a mysterious pocket-watch - almost anything might happen!
I enjoyed the three chapters I read but I think they could be improved by concentrating on Jonny's POV. You start by telling through his father's eyes but then almost immediately change to Jonny's. It's clear that Jonny is the main character so unless it's essential for the plot, I think you should narrate as if you were Jonny. This next comment isn't meant to be derogatory but the style here is on the naive side. This is perfect for 10 year old Jonny. If the plot calls for things Jonny doesn't know, you can always have him overhear things. Or introduce a scene-break and change to someone else's POV.

A few other little nit-picks:
Ch 1
His face and clothes wet with perspiration. Missing *were*, I think.
'he said in a soft voice..' Watch unnecessary use of tags. Here it is obvious who is speaking so you don't need this one.
'stirred while snuggled beneath..' cut 'while snuggled'?
'He asked with more enthusiasm..' He asked is another unnecessary tag. Try, 'His voice held more enthusiasm?
Also watch your use of exclamation marks. Pretty much every one I saw in three chapters should be cut. Publishers hate 'em!
At the end of Ch 1, I would cut 'Mon, dad, where are you?' and transfer it to the beginning of ch 2. Makes a much better hook for the end of the first chapter.
Ch 2
'tourniquet around his leg..' confusing use of pronoun. Around *his dad's* leg?
Ch 3
'little minx that roamed..' *who* roamed.

Hope you find these comments helpful, Marilyn. They are only my opinions though, so feel free to ignore them!
I hope you enjoy KING'S ENVOY when you return the read.
All the best,
Cas.

This one is a bit tough for me to comment on...not because I don't think it's goof, I do, but because it's been awhile since I've looked at the genre and I don't know what to compare it to.

So, what about the story then? GREAT.....I really loved Jonny and his adventuous spirit. I like the way the family plyed such an important role throughout and even Fred's antics. I'll not get into the watch and add any spoilers here, but this was very enjoyable.

Lockjaw

Hi Marilyn, This story really caught me when the parents had fallen into the ravine although it wasn’t clear how they had fallen. Your style has a comfortable pace and it’s well-geared for the target reader. The plot moves smoothly and it is nice to follow, especially to the awards ceremony. There might be too much explained, information about Jonny for example, but I felt well-acquainted with him by the time his father went to Hong Kong. A few things: In the paragraph, “The family hiked…” There were three or four sentences that began with “The” - not so smooth to read. He “noticed” he didn’t have his pocket watch – maybe a stronger word there. “He could see his mom and dad, the light shining on her (his mom’s)…” The plot devices here make me curious to read on and Jonny is very likeable as a character. Shelved - Katherine

Hello Marilyn,

These are the type of stories I loved during my early worriless years. The concept, characterization and plot did the job. Brilliant work with well-observed descriptions and smooth writing.With a little polish this splendid story with shine even brighter.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Thanks JD. I appreciate the read. I think your crit is very helpful. I'll try to edit soon. Thanks for the shelf life.

Marilyn,

I'm responding to your request for a swap read.

The second sentence of your first paragraph doesn't look quite right to me. I think it either needs to be combined with the first sentence or you need to insert "were" between "clothes" and "wet".

In the last sentence of the same paragraph, I'd remove "to himself" as it's probably redundant.

However, reading on, the story unfolds well, and seems pitched well for the intended audience.

You have a great hook to finish the chapter.

Chapter two moves along quickly, and the strangeness of the watch is foreshadowed well.

The end of this chapter, for me, isn't as strong. The last sentence doesn't add anything that I can see.

You open chapter three by giving us Jonny's full name for the first but for me it's jarring here. My initial thought was, had you just introduced another character.

Take a look at some of your dialogue tags, even in YA I think moderation is required. I've just read three lines:

"Wow Mom you look beautiful!" Jonny exclaimed.

"You look kind of handsome yourself!" She replied

"OKay. If you two are finished admiring each other, we can get to the ceremony on time" Dad said teasingly.

For me the tags, exclamtion marks and adverb in the last line, distract from what's being said. The last line is also a little formal for the spoken word, at least to my ear. I'd try something like:

"Wow, Mom, you look beautiful!"

"Thanks. You look kinda handsome yourself."

"OKay," Dad said. "If you two've finished admiring each other, we can get going"

This chapter closes with Jonny getting the watch. I'd be interested to find out what comes next, but this is where I stop.

You have a good story here, told in a simple manner. I'm afraid I'm not sure what mid-grade means in terms of age, but I'm assuming this aimed at 9 and 10 years olds, in which case the language seems appropriate and the pace about right.

I'm giving this a spin on my shelf.

Marilyn,

I saw your msg asking me to read this and just had some time tonight.

Your first paragraph is enchanting and you write well. I think you have a good story here.

However, after reading more chapters, I think you might pull your readers in faster and hold them longer if you could find a way to start your story at the awards ceremony and do some back story as to why he is getting the award. This would put him closer to getting the watch -- which is where the real action starts. Just something for you to think about.

Also, in the first chapter, he says his father is 'reminiscing about a previous experience" and then he says something about a 'dream sequence'. Remember your narrator is Jonny's, you are writing in his POV -- would he really say these things with those words? Also, in the second chapter his father says 'son' quite a few times. Maybe this is the way he addresses Jonny but using it too much might be a distraction. Word repitition is something to watch out for.

I hope you take my suggestions in the spirit in which they are being given. I think you have a real talent and a good story to tell.

Will give you a spin on my shelf!

Best of luck!

Marilyn

You asked me to read this a few days ago, I started last night and must say - I adore Jonny as a MC. He is so endearing and sweet, the TA will really care for him early on in the story. I love the family dynamic in this, it has a gentle, loving nature that is missing from a lot of books from this genre these days. I really like the time travel concept and you do it justice! A story full of adventure and heart, this could also teach the younger audience a few things. Really really like it, you have my backing!

Best of luck m'dear, Melanie x

Nothing like a young adult adventure tale. These coming-of-age, growing-up stories are terrific, and you are off to a great start here. It's the kind of book I used to read when I was 12-14, and I got wrapped up in the adventure of it all. Much of my love of reading come from these books.

My favorite line so far is when Jonny's father says that if it wasn't for him, the Knights of the Round Table would never have existed. Great use of foreshadowing and it sets the table for what is to come. That you will be adding science and history along the way is, from a writing point of view, just gravy. I love the story.

Your writing is straightforward and clean. No wasted words, good dialogue. I am shelving this. Thanks for the read.

Jonny and the Magic Watch--
Marilyn,
This is a cute story. I was concerned about the POV. I think it might be better to stick with one POV rather than do the Omniscient POV. I think it would bring your characters to life and get the reader more emotionally engaged. (but that is just my opinion, I'm not expert).
Be care of the words "just" and "that" they are used a lot.

We are all learning more and tightening up our work, it never ends does it? I'm putting this on a my shelf - Simply for the great potential and the wonderful story.
~Krista Darrach
--Riley's Gift

Hi, Marilyn. A few comments. I think the first thing you should do is go through your pitch. There are a few punctuation problems. Also, you're talking about the story, then you interrupt that with, "This mid-grade chapter book has captured the imagination of its readers." Then you go back to talking about the story. And, you have the word 'captured' again just a sentence away. Make sure your pitch is perfect or readers will expect the same problems in the book.'
As for the book, you have some problems there, also. (Keep in mind these are just my opinions - if all my opinions were right, I'd be a famous writer. So, you can ignore them).
You use his name a bit too often. Try 'he' here and there.
'hillside(s)' - Surely there is more than one hill in the outskirts of Phoenix.
'His face and clothes, etc...' - is not a complete sentence.
'...disheveled sheets and blankets on his bed.' - I'd delete, 'on his bed.' We already know that.
'Jonny had noticed this type of occurrence many times before.' - That just doesn't sit right to me.
'He was still clutching the object on his chest.' - I thought he put it in his pocket.
'dream sequence' - something wrong with that... what sequence?
'...many items that his dad had packed.'- delete 'that.'
Looks like you have an interesting story for the genre, but I'd do a careful read and see if you can clean up a little, do some clarifying as to 'exactly' who is doing/thinking what. And some general editing. I'll keep it on my W/L for a future read when you've had time to mess around with it a bit. Good luck.

Hi Marilyn

You have created a sympathetic character in Jonny, and set this up well for a sequel or a series.

Just a couple of things that you might want to consider - bearing in mind I'm no expert so just my opinion :)

You use quite a lot of adverbs, partcularly in chapter one. General opinion seems to be that you should minimise them as far as possible, so try dropping some and see if you still convey the message - if not try using a stonger verb, or better dialogue.

Also, you use the name "Jonny" quite often, starting a lot of paragraphs with it and then trepeating it again in the next sentence. I think you could replace many of them with "he" and still not confuse the reader. Try reading it out loud - the repetitiveness becomes more obvious when you do this.

Overall, shelved for being a likeable piece, and potentially much more if you just tweak and re-write it a little.

Chees, and good luck!

Bill

Glad to shelve this Marilyn. I feel you have the right plot for a kids' book and I liked Jonny and his tale of time travel sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun.

I read the comments below and can't add to them. Basically, I think you can tighten the text a bit to make sure the POV is consistent and simplfiy some of the sentences.

Wish you the best of luck with it,
Dania

Hi Marilyn!

I'm here for my reciprocal read. I made a few notes as I read - I hope you find them helpful. Feel free to disregard if they're not.

Pitch

~ I have a bit of a pet peeve with pitches that compare the book to other well known books. I know people do this to give the reader a handle on what the book is like, but it still comes off as hubris to me. However, I've seen other pitches that do this, so I think it's just me being silly.

~ However, I would recommend going through and removing the multiples of words like, "capture" and "imagination". I like the overall tone of your pitch, just needs a bit of tweaking.


Chapter One

~ Ah, someone else like myself who suffers from exclamationitis! I don't even want to tell you how many I deleted from my own story, but I realized (after a number of very kind Authonomites pointed it out to me) that if I used fewer !'s, the ones that remained were that much stronger.

~ I love the idea of starting off with a family adventure - sure way to engage your target audience.

~ Maybe go through and double check how many times you use Jonny's name, and see if there are places you can get away without it. It just struck me that I was seeing his name a great deal.

Lovely start to the story - best of luck with this. Shelved!

~Traci

I would - but it's only my opinion - ditch a good few of the 'Jonnys' and edit the narrative back a shade. I really like the premise of the story however and will gladly give it some shelf space.

There is one thing that jumped out: you change POV already after the first paragraph, or so. If it is the idea to stick with Jonny, do so from the very start. Jonny can see that his dad is sweating as well, without you having to change POV's.

Apart from that, it is a great story, well written and one that is believable. I would shorten some parts because they don't add anything to the story, but all in all this is worth a read.

Good luck,

Peter
Dane Redhill - The Boy That Isn't.

Hi Marilyn-

I really like the premise of this story - it is perfect for children and YA!

I agree that you use Jonny's name a bit too often, especially since it is spelled different than the traditional way. It tends to be a bit distracting. Some suggestions - if you're talking about Jonny's mother, say his mother - who else would you be speaking of in that relation?

Your short and long intro are great - they give a good description of the story and action to come - make the reader want to plow right into the material.

This one is worthy of shelving! Congrats and best of luck to you!

Kim

Marilyn,

This is fabulous! I've always wanted to manipulate time. I just know young readers will love this as much as I do. Very happy to give it a go on my shelf.

Heidi

I thoroughly enjoyed this. I think you’ve written a very readable book about a happy family, and you’ve got a very endearing protagonist: likeable and intelligent. These things are quite rare now: I think of Harry Potter’s troubled family history, and Tracey Beaker’s complete lack of a family (excellent creations though both characters are – the latter especially). I thought it was great that Jonny was so well trained in survival skills that he was able to save his father from a lethal snakebite, and that he’s now able to rescue his mother and father from a hole – literally! I liked the line, “In the meantime I need you to make a sling for mom’s arm and put this ice pack on it.” That’s Jonny in a nutshell, as far as I can see. You do a good job making the parents’ conversation about the watch mysterious and tantalising enough for me to want to read on.

My only slight reservation concerns your pitch. Firstly, when you say, “The main differences are that Jonny was given this watch with no knowledge of its abilities”, you probably want the singular, because you’ve only given one difference. But secondly and more importantly, I do think it undersells what you’ve written slightly. There’s a lot going for your novel. Don’t sell it as ‘just like something else, but with one difference’. It’s much better than that.

Anyway, I’m definitely going to back this. It deserves to go a long way.

Bren Verrill
The Weird Problem of Good.

I like your premise and the way you foreshadow it in your opening chapter...right away we know we're in the hands of an accomplished storyteller.

I think you repeat Jonny's name too often...this distances the reader, and you definitely want your reader to be right with Jonny all the way.

I read Nathan Bransford's blog recently...the idea of the watch is original, I think, and targets your market well.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

A nice gentle story for a change for the children/YA market. A nice wholesome caring family is refreshing. And the premise is great, a watch as a time machine. Kids will love this if you can get them away from the witches and magic books. Great writing and I will back this.

Dear Marilyn,
Not a bad thing to sketch a family that's loving and happy. It's quite nice, for a change.
There's a change of POV from Mom (looking on, watching her two men) to Jonny, when he momentarily loses his parents. Or, at the end, first Michael is proud, sticking out is chest, having an internal thought. And then switching in the last paragraph back to Jonny.
Think action! Especially with kids, a passive voice won't enthrall them as much as the active voice.
The idea of a magic watch as a time machine is a fun device, and should be a winner for the YA crowd. Jonny is a very human, likeable kid. Shelved.

Marilyn

I like this. I think it’s really well suited to its targeted readership and you do a great job at telling an enchanting story. The first thing that comes across for me is the sheer energy in your writing. Bravo!
You also have likable characters and tell Jonny’s story in a clear and consistent voice; it was almost like I was listening to a radio play.
The only suggestion I could give would be to consider breaking down paragraphs and chapters to enhance the flow and help get the page turning. You can spot the natural breaks as you read it, anyway. Personally I like to end chapters with a hook. Get the reader wanting to turn the page. Never have a character go to sleep at the end of a chapter.
I hope this is of some help. And I’m happy to come back to read more.
On the shelf with my best wishes
David (Green Ore)

Happy to support this
Best wishes
Sue

Hello Joseph, I appreciate your review of Jonny and the Magic Watch. I am a new writer and am still learning. The book has come a long way and with the help of people like you I am sure that it will be good enough for publication in the future. I will get to some editing soon. Thanks again, Marilyn

Marilyn,

Here's my thoughts on your first chapter:

Your first sentence is too long. try to break it up and cut out those things which we don't need to know right away.

You also have a lot of words that might make your intended audience stumble such as perspiration (6th grade level word), reminiscing (7th+ grade), etc. Try to find more youthful words, such as sweat (3rd grade word) and recalling (3rd grade). I had the same trouble with my book. Adults love those more precise words, but young readers stumble over them.

You start out with Michael and then go to Dad, choose one and stick with it.

In addition, I noticed a lot of had's, wase's, and were's... most of these can be gotten rid of. For example, had's are only really necessary to indicate possession or the beginning and end of a flashback (as visual transititions). For the most part you can cut hads out without affecting the meaning of a sentence. Wase's and were's usually indicate some kind of telling is going on. This is not a bad thing in and of itself... sometimes telling is necessary, but whenever you see these clumped together you probably should try to cut them down and find a way to show the reader rather than tell. For example, how might you show how intelligent Jonny is, instead of telling us. If you show us the reader will come to believe it on his/her own.

I think you do a good job of portraying a loving family, which I appreciate. Most of the dialogue between them sounds authentic, though I'd watch out for expository dialogue that sounds like information feeding than natural conversation.

I did wonder why Jonny went for help first before thinking of sending the rope down and putting a ling on his Mom's arm... however I'm not a Boy Scout, so perhaps one is supposed to go for help first and then come back to aid. But my gut instinct would be to help first and then go get help. Just a thought.

I thought the ranger's compliment was nicely done.

However, I think you should move the ranger bit up before the mention of "fixing" things because that is the type of cliffhanger information that is perfect to end a chapter on. I understand the desire to have him cry at the end, but its not a cliffhanger. It's a release and so it doesn't force the reader to turn the page. You want the end of your chapters to raise questions.

Overall, it is an interesting premise for a story and I wish you the best with it. Hopefully, my comments are thought provoking and if they help you make a sentence or two better than they were, than I'll have done my job as a reviewer. Just remember, this is my personal opinion. The one that really matters is your own. ;)

Have a Great Weekend!
Joseph

Hi Marilyn - I am far from a middle-schooler, but I will freely admit to a sense of excitement as I progress from page to page and chapter to chapter! I'm about halfway done, and will complete it at my next sitting. What a great concept. Other commenters have given you editting suggestions, so I won't be redundant there. The premise, the storyline, and the overall writing are all excellent and believable. It is on both my Bookshelf and Watchlist. EXCELLENT work. I'd wish you 'luck', but you don't need it with the talent you have.

Hi Marilyn - I am far from a middle-schooler, but I will freely admit to a sense of excitement as I progress from page to page and chapter to chapter! I'm about halfway done, and will complete it at my next sitting. What a great concept. Other commenters have given you editting suggestions, so I won't be redundant there. The premise, the storyline, and the overall writing are all excellent and believable. It is on both my Bookshelf and Watchlist. EXCELLENT work. I'd wish you 'luck', but you don't need it with the talent you have.

Nice work, Marilyn. There's nothing to fault, as such, though you could perhaps tighten it up a bit. I'm attempting to make only supportive comments - but here are a few suggestions for next time you edit. Look at your sentence length and structure - short and simple is best for children's books. Avoid tautology. Be consistent in naming people. Try to keep the vocabulary at a consistently easy-reader level. But that's only small tidying stuff. Overall, good work. SW

Hello, Marilyn - what a cute little book you have here. Reminded me of those lovely Calvin & Hobbes pieces of artwork when they go off on their country walk adventures. Very nice. Until things go wrong, of course. And you describe it all in a lovely manner that I can imagine really getting into when I was younger. A few random thoughts:

- I wouldn't capitalise 'science' or 'history', nor their adjectives;
- "I have already": felt odd, since you've contracted most other verbs. Why not "I've" here?;
- need consistency with your capitalisation of 'mom' and 'dad'. Sometimes you capitalise, sometimes you don't.

Otherwise, a great start, m'dear. Shelved. Best of luck with it - sestius

Hi Marilyn,

This is a wonderful story and very well written. Great characterization and dialogue.

“Did you forget something(,) son?” Don’t forget to use a comma with direct address.

Great hook at the end of chap three. What a way to entice the readers.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Great work! I thoroughly enjoyed this book!

Jonny and the Magic Wand

Hi Marilyn, An interesting premise with a lot of potential I think, although there is a danger that it is similar to other ideas and might need to be shaped carefully to make sure it is distinctive enough. The first chapter is fine but my one suggestion would be to try to loose the narrative voice, it kicks in often, the first line telling us where he lives, town and state and the last line, for Jonny was only a child after all. The paternalistic voice is disappearing from much of children's fiction. The problem I have with it is it takes us one step away from the characters and their emotions, thoughts and habits. I find it harder to get mixed up in their experiences therefore, which is a shame because Jonny seems a good hero, intelligent, empathetic, earnest, all the ingredients you would for a children's books main character. Good enough to back certainly, best wishes with it, happy to read any further edits - Andrew W.

Marilyn,

I will read your book, but just got to the pitch. I was thinking that everyone will automatically make the comparison with Magic School House or Magic School Bus. I like the ideas - but was very distracted by the descriptions of what the book was like, rather than what the book was. Personally, I think you would be better served in letting the storyline speak for itself. Something like this:

Have you ever wished you could travel through time, meet great people from the past and see our hope for the future? Well, so has Jonny. With the aid of his magic watch, he can travel to wherever his imagination can take him.

An ordinary boy, Jonny finds himself thrust into extraordinary situations. His vast knowledge of history and science aids him in his extraordinary adventures.

Jonny begins with no knowledge of the magical abilities of the watch, which he receives. In his journeys, he discovers the watch’s origin while, along the way, he experiences the basis for many scientific and historic facts. He unexpectedly discovers knowledge of his family’s involvement and impact on the past.

Join Jonny in his journey; share in his quest for knowledge!

Hi Marilyn,

Here's my review, as promised. My plan is to do some specifc edits up front, but then get more general as I read through chapter 3. I will read for pacing, word choice, style and technique (particularly punctuation and other grammar items). This is all my opinion, and all in an effort to be helpful! Please take everything I put down here in that spirit, because I would love for the book to be a grand success!

First off: The short pitch is great. Succient and to the point and fun too.


Long pitch - might cut that down a bit. It's just a little long.




Chapter One:

Word selection. When selecting modifiers, make sure they are in context:

Clothes aren't typically "filled" with perspiration. Usually soaked, damp, etc...


Adverb usage:

Need to use them infrequently. (LOL, I just used one). Using stronger verbs can help erradicate them.

He stared lovingly at his son, who slept peacefully. Have 2 in one sentence. Should limit to more like one per paragraph, when possible.

I noted that throughtout the selection you used a number of adverbs. Editors are on "search and destroy" mode when they see that, unfortunately (LOL - here's another, but in a new paragraph!).

Extra words:

He wondered to himself....why not "How long can I keep this secret, he thought" That makes it active voice and takes out extra words in one blow.

I really like Dad's tenderness. His love comes through so clearly.

How old is the boy? Might be good to know that sooner.


Dialog Tags:

Not always necessary when we know who the speaker is:

Sure we are, if you get up and get dressed, slowpoke. I'm waiting on you!" In this case, we know who just got out of bed, so we don't need the "his father replied"

Show v. Tell:

In the paragraph about his boy scout training....you tell us about the snake bite. How about a conversation with Dad and Mom about "Remember the last time, dear..." Long paragraphs of exposition, telling the reader something important, tend to get drowned out.

I really Like the quick descriptions you throw in (Johnny's braids for example) that let the reader get to know him...rather than by info dump.

I also love that he cries when the crisis is over -- very realistic reaction. I'm writing a new book about a 12-year-old and he does the same thing (along with throwing up...)


Chapter Two:

First sentence contains Passive Voice:

Smith was sitting in his room, reading, when all of a sudden.

Now, this can be used periodically as a convention - I firmly believe that. But, in many cases, writers should avoid it.

Rewritten: Smith sat in his room, reading, when his collection of dinosaurs crashed to the floor.


When you pop to the description of Mom...it seemed a little forced, rather than flowing from the paragraphs above. Just need to make sure everything flows. The first section of the chapter felt a little disjointed, jumping from Mom, to cleaning, to his love of fantasy to the rescue in very fast order.


Here's a great piece of advice I got from an excellent writing: Don't stage direct. Some movement can be assumed in the reader's head. You don't have to tell them where Johnny goes each step of the way, and where his mom is while he does it:

The paragraph about Sunday afternoon is a prime example. The reader got an info dump on the family's location....


On Dates: Putting "year" in novels is risky....because it dates the book. Just something I heard.

Chapter two provided us a good slice of life about his family, but there wasn't much tension to it. I didn't feel like the story drove forward much there...I have that problem too! It's hard to weed it out sometimes when you have something to tell the reader, while in an everyday situation. Good way to do it, is just cut it short....


Chapter Three:

Nice opening - bringing in sense of smell.

Johnny is a really good kid. Almost too good. He cleans his room, doesn't sass his mother, and helps clear the table. I have a really awesome 8-y-o son, and he has to be reminded to pick his socks and take out the trash ten times before it's done....just a thought for making Johnny more "real."

Whoa - POV shift from Johnny to Dad. Nothing wrong with that, but you need to give us some kind of section break (***** or # or something) so the reader realizes what happened.

Johnny's reaction to Dad leaving seems just a touch over the top. Like something a much younger kid would do (Boy scouting starts at age 12, so I'm assuming middle grader...cub scouts are grades 1 - 5).

Yeah - we get a great hook at the end of 3...the adventure begins and I turned to page - I had to! Good work.


Final thoughts.

This has a lot of potential -- good descriptions, nice family, interesting premise...However, the prose itself needs some smoothing and tightening. A good hard core edit would do that. I always recommend "Self-editing for Fiction Writers" for new novelists -- that book saved my bacon! It's by Browne and King. I carry it everywhere.

Keep writing - you have a lot of imagination and your love of children shines right through. Kids will love your style and the kindness shining in the page...just take a few steps around technique.


I hope this was helpful. Best of luck and best wishes. I'll give you a shelve!

KinDallas
Switch

Thanks TomW, I am so glad you actually read the book. Most people don't. They read they first chapter and comment on it. I thought I was the only person reading books around here. I will be editing the book either tonight or tomorrow with the critique that you supplied. I appreciate your honesty. Please keep in touch. MLP-Jonny and the Magic Watch

Comments on Chapter 1...

First line is too long. Suggest you drop the bit between "just" and "AZ". You can let us know later on we're in Phoenix.

I think you could do a little trimming here and there. I think there are some unnecessary details (the identity of their hometown up front is an example). The bit about the Boy Scout and the snake adventure is interesting, but does it need to go here? Get us on the road and have something remind him of his Boy Scout days. Perhaps they see a snake (or a lizard they mistake for a snake?) on the camping trip.

Watch out for "was", "were" type passive sentences. Try and reword to eliminate. Same for stuff like "could". I remember a "Jonny could hear", which could be a more direct "Jonny heard"

The other thing that might be worth considering is the length of the paragraphs. I think kids tend to prefer shorter sentences, shorter paragraphs.

For what it's worth, if this was my work, I would go through each sentence to eliminate supefluous words, each paragraph to eliminate supefluous sentences, each chapter to eliminate superfluous paragraphs. Basically, anything that doesn't add to what you already have and/or convey necessary information to the reader. What you will end up with is a work which has more pace and more clarity.

The good news is that a light application of delete key pruning is much easier than fattening up an anorexic manuscript. Don't go overboard, just prune out anything that affects the growth of your plot and/or characters.

It's great to have a kid be the hero of the story, and adults who aren't idiots to back him up. The dialogue and characters are also fine for this sort of story. I just think the writing needs a little bit of extra polish at this stage.

Best wishes,

TomW

Marilyn,

I think this would be a great book for children. I especially like that Jonny takes command and doesn't fall apart in a terrifying situation. I love the family dynamics that you protray and the way his parents treat him, not like a child, but as an equal.

I wasn't sure why his father was covered in perspiration. I kept thinking that something was wrong. Does that detail need to be there? Could he just be excited? Maybe he shouldn't forget the watch at home, but drop it when he falls into the hole. I also was confused by their fall. Wouldn't Jonny have seen them fall or heard something and not have to retrace his steps?

Other than these minor issues, I enjoyed the chapter.

On my shelf,

ML

Oh, this is excellent, Marilyn! You writes so well, and I praise your storytelling ability. It has a nice flow and easy to read. I read only two chapters and still wanting some more. Its very good you shared this work with us. I'll continue, but meanwhile be on my shelf. Best of luck.

Comments on Chapter 1...

First line is too long. Suggest you drop the bit between "just" and "AZ". You can let us know later on we're in Phoenix.

I think you could do a little trimming here and there. I think there are some unnecessary details (the identity of their hometown up front is an example). The bit about the Boy Scout and the snake adventure is interesting, but does it need to go here? Get us on the road and have something remind him of his Boy Scout days. Perhaps they see a snake (or a lizard they mistake for a snake?) on the camping trip.

Watch out for "was", "were" type passive sentences. Try and reword to eliminate. Same for stuff like "could". I remember a "Jonny could hear", which could be a more direct "Jonny heard"

The other thing that might be worth considering is the length of the paragraphs. I think kids tend to prefer shorter sentences, shorter paragraphs.

For what it's worth, if this was my work, I would go through each sentence to eliminate supefluous words, each paragraph to eliminate supefluous sentences, each chapter to eliminate superfluous paragraphs. Basically, anything that doesn't add to what you already have and/or convey necessary information to the reader. What you will end up with is a work which has more pace and more clarity.

The good news is that a light application of delete key pruning is much easier than fattening up an anorexic manuscript. Don't go overboard, just prune out anything that affects the growth of your plot and/or characters.

It's great to have a kid be the hero of the story, and adults who aren't idiots to back him up. The dialogue and characters are also fine for this sort of story. I just think the writing needs a little bit of extra polish at this stage.

Best wishes,

TomW

You write well.I am an amateur writer so have no right to nit pic at real authors work, so will not. This is more than a suggestion. you must click the( Back Book) on other authors work that you think deserve it. This then puts their work on you're Five spaces for books on you're site. if you do not you're book will die. I do not mean back mine .Trust me. But blank five spaces on you're site means very few will vote for you because.you do not back other books. this means no points. for them or you. I am 70 years old as for me hey no prob..

I see you have much praise for this...and can see why! A great tale for the young and young-at-heart.

Happy to shelve for a while.

Elaina
Gathering of Rain

This is excellent Marilyn, I volunteered to help with extra reading sessions at my son's school. Most of the problem was unsuitable books. This book would have filled the gap and made things far more interesting for the pupils. Well done, on my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

I think the second paragraph of yoru pitch needs revisiting. I like the scholarly aspect enough to shelf.

I read the first two chapters. Glad you shared your work with us. The only criticism I have is that description in the second chapter of Linda explaing how pretty she is. Telling, instead of showing is a big mantra around here. Watch tense as well. Make is present always, for the most part, when possible. Engage the reader.

You are watchlisted, my friend!

JC
The Obergemau File

Marilyn,
I'm not your target audience but I think this is ideal writing for children. Magic watch, mystery, camping, fishing, time travel, they are going to love it. You tell the story well in good style and I'm shelving this because those interested in this genre, will not be disappointed. Margaret.
Candles in the Garden &
The Spirit of the Butterfly.

Hi there,
I just love this, great stroyline, perfect for your target audience, and being a teacher, I would love to read this out to a class, in fact, I will see what my son thinks of it as I feel he would enjoy it. This has all the ingredients of a good children's adventure with the prehistory (love that, think it's quite unigue) and the time travel. I found it well written with plenty going on and enough hooks to keep the reader interested. I will be back to read on, but form what I've seen, this is good stuff and it's SHELVED!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)