Arun (Dragon Crown Series - Book One)

Oh yes and I've changed the name of the book to "The Gatewalker" - instead of "Hunt For The Adar".

I've updated the chapters to my most recent draft. I'm pretty happy with it, and since the first book of the trilogy is now complete I have started to approach agents. What you see on this site is what I sent to the agents. Fingers crossed.

Thank you Poppet for the nice comments.

Elaina - you make a good point regarding the prologue. I realise Barok doesn't make an appearance in the book for quite some time (think it's chapter 5) - maybe I'll add snippets of him into earlier chapters. That would work and also that way I can introduce some of the other key characters and hint at the plot-line.

Yes I've noticed my tendancy to do large chucks - I get too wrapped up in putting the tale down onto 'paper'. I will look our for that and edit the initial chapters.

Thank you for your nice comments - I really appreciate them....I'll upload a few more chapters (to hook you in more!!), once I edit my chapters based on comments received so far.

It may have to wait a month or so - my wife and I are off trekking on Friday, in Ladakh, for a month. If my mobile data card works out there then I'll upload some more work. Either way - I hope to get some writting done in the cool of the north (it's 40C+ where I am at the moment!!).

Thanks
Sat

Have read everything posted (I enjoy fantasy!) and think you have a great tale. Already I can feel the build of an epic- this will not be told in one volume (I like that). You have a lot of detail, however, that somewhat slows the read. Also, you present chunks of writing at a time, which I feel you could break open in order for the block of text not to appear intimidating.

As for the prologue. Personally, I like prologues (as you will see if you stop by to read mine!), but yours doesn't quite feel right. Firstly, there was too much information, and secondly it doesn't fit with what comes next. I'm just intrigued by Eric and Barok and then don't hear about them again. Either reduce it radically to act as a teaser, or consider inserting it as a later chapter when we get to the point of the meeting in the inn.

All in all, I'm intrigued. I wonder how Arun will become the one who holds the key to peace, and that is the sign of a story that works.

You need to work on this, but it has potential. I also believe others on this site may help you more than I can, and am therefore shelving for the exposure it will bring you (hope so, anyway!).

All the best
Elaina
Gathering of Rain

Thanks Troodo - I really appreciate you spending the time to look at my work.

I have fixed the typos that you spotted - I swear the letter rearrange themselves after I've checked them!!
I will of course return the favour. I'll let you know how I get on with your book.

I have re-read chapter 1 - and I agree something has to change. I'll give it some thought and let you know once I've changed it.

Thanks
Sat

Hunt For The Adar.


Prologue.
What do you enemies call you?
then I will bring in it to Night Fort while you race ahead
The clasped hands one more time before

Chapter one is very hard to read, why not start with Arun having a fight with the bullies of the village? Are, just arrived at the confrontation with Ottar, this is were chapter one should start. All that block information can be woven into the tale as you go along, some of it while Arun is up on the roof.
If you are going to give the other bullies names then you should introduced them a little further back.
Try not to use the same word twice in a sentence – little adventure, little brother – he carried several weapons and carried himself with an air.

Chapter 2.
A quite spoke from the back of the hall.
Medriz didn’t know he real name.
They boy remained silent
You’re been trying to get me the same things

Chapter 4.
After than no one bothered him again

The prologue and the first chapter are the hardest to get right, although I thought your prologue was fine. Your story is good so far and I look foreword to reading more.
I have put you on my watch list.
If you could look at The Rose of Gildvadane for me, I would be grateful. I am getting conflicting comments on the prelude, prologue and first chapter - although in my opinion one should not read only the first chapter and then punt for a bookshelf for your own work, this really is not helpful.
As I have said, I will read every chapter of your book and try to be constructive.
Let me know when you update or submit more chapters.

D. Franklin Thomas –Troodo.