...Hard To Do

Hi Edward A YARG Review,

I thought your 1st two chapters had some nice moments -I especially liked the part when he meets Isla and she 'reads' his thoughts - a nice touch! The dialogue also has some nice shape at times too. I do think you may need to make some decisions regarding the POV - it is 3rd person but then it seems the 3rd person takes on the MC's thoughts and it becomes almost 1st person - it's a bit confusing and makes it a bit uneven. I think you also have too much dialogue in isolation in the 1st chapter. Try include more surrounding detail and more verbs of movement beyond nodding and smiling. The 2nd chapter also has some typos eg 'nic' should be 'nice' which need attention. Keep at it and keep polishing - my 1st chapter got reworked about 20 times -sweat over sentences and try to find unique ways of storytelling.

All the best,
Kaal Kaczmarek

A YARG review-
I've read just the first chapter, so please bear in mind my comments are limited to that.
You've got very interesting characters. I can understand that living with weirdos would be difficult. I did find, however, that your dialogue seems a bit fake. Your English character's was fine, but Joe seemed odd, somehow. I'm American, and no one I know talks that strangely. Maybe loosening up on that and just adding a few odd comments [and yes, I know America has plenty to chose from ;) ] would be better. Just a thought, of course.
Hope this will help you out! Good luck with your book!
Noelle J. Alabaster

"Hard to Do" - Edward Davies. I read the 1st chapter and scanned the 2nd and several comments. You have an interesting way of putting the reader back into his/her college days. Some thoughts: chapter 1: why is Bob moody about this room? - maybe tell reader more?; "Joe said almost obviously" - perhaps "Joe noted the obvious" or just "Joe said."; chapter 2 why would Aftab take an instant dislike Adrian? - perhaps tell the reader something like "Aftab, recognizing Adrian as competition for Ali's attentions...." Hope this helps.

Gideon ("Thrill Writer's Remorse")

i like this. i like how you tie in three different stories into one book- clever. keeps us interested and not bored. this sounds very natural and not forced which makes this easy to read. dialogue sounds realistic and description is just the right length for my personal taste. i also like your long pitch- almost a summary kind of, but not really. one thing i wasnt a fan of was i think you like exclamation marks and i think your book would benefit greatly if you took some out... not a big deal though so dont worry.
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

Hiya!

I'm really enjoying this! You are excellent at Characterisations. I really like the differences between all the room mates. Joe is hilarious and Lloyd a tad creepy hehe! I also liked the way he met Isla. I have to admit that i also am drawn to this because i'm starting uni in septemeber so it is like what i am expecting hehe!

Happy to back and am def going to read more! Best of luck x

I like this. It is a world I have never entered but I imagine that it will bring back fond memories for those who have. The humour is subtle and clever and the pace is perfect. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hello Edward,
You have a very interesting story here. I like the way you depicted Adrian, Bob and Jim in their efforts to make a new life in the university and find love. Their different experiences are hilarious as well. I like the way you built up the characters and dealt with their pasts. The plot is good, the setting ideal and you write well.
I like the story and will return to it.
Janvier (FLASH OF THE SUN)