Insight

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Jenna. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your thriller a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Very graping read and you get us tight in with line 1. This is well written and suspenseful and i can see it going far.

You have given us a literary treat and a page turner.

Happy to back this
The Mind setter

Patricia,
Insight has a truly terrifying plot which creates a gripping read. Jenna Jordan is a complex protagonist whose frightening experiences are conveyed well in the prose. Backed with enthusiasm.

I agree with A Knight - this is a compelling read. Backed with pleasure, Sana x

This is tragic and chilling, right from the start we're pulled in, and it could be cheesy, but you have made something memorable and ghastly (in a good way) here. Better you have not gone overboard, ignoring characterisation and smaller story arcs for the sake of shock value. instead this is well-rounded and well-worth the read.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Tragic opening, written without embellishment but still expressing empathy. Nicely done; happy to back this for you.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

I backed it on the pitch...it was scary enough. Good luck!

Jenna's trying to cope with her grief is moving for she is an endearing girl with a certain vulnerability and I was rooting for her.
Mike too, is well drawn as he too makes his own adjustment to the death in the way that it has come.
I was quickly drawn into the plot through the very natural and spontaneous dialogue.
You weave in detail with balance; just enough to create a sense of authenticity and immediacy and the policeman also is brought to life through your careful observation of his character.
All this, combined with the promise of an exciting storyline kept me on board and made me want to read on.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Patricia, I read your prologue and first chapter. This is a smooth, entertaining read. Only thing I picked up is your omission of commas in direct address a few times. This is not serious, as it seems like a typo. For instance, "It's okay (comma needed here) David, I'm fine..."

Good job overall. Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Backed January 26.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

This is well written with the deaths described in a carful and not too offensive way. The first few chapters show us this is developing into a good thriller which keeps the reader’s attention. I will back your book with pleasure.

Tony
Life Bringer

Pat,
Overall a well told story.
Be careful about adopting favorite phrases.
Like ‘in his/her mind’s eye’ which is used in the prologue and ch1.
Also there does seems to be a lot of pictured in his mind type passages.
Good luck, backed.
MickR – The Nightcrawler

Hi Patricia

This is a good story. Lots of things happening and the face in the mirror was brilliant - shelved

The only place I think you need to work on is that chapter 1 is a bit slow in the middle. I would have liked an incident with the child and the swans as a portent of evil to come.

I think you also put the name of the character when you change POV, so we know its happened. It's disconcerting otherwise as we try and figure out who's head we're in.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

I could only read the first chapter. When I went to chapter 2, an error message came up. I hope we're not going to have trouble with reading every singe weekend! Well I liked your story enough to keep reading and I really want to know what's going on with the little girl! Backing!

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly (a YA fantasy - have a peek!)

Read 1-2. Mike WHO? The surname is part of the character. It's more professional to give the characters' surnames when they are first mentioned. In ch 1, depending in the age of the little girl, she would probably have soiled herself over a period of 24 hours or and the smell would also welcome "Mike."
A lot of internal head stuff in ch 2, which could be edited out.
Overall, I like the premise - very Stephen King - it could be truly macabre in the hands of a master. I will read more to see!
Frank

A fun read full of the evocative horror that fills each of our nightmares at certain mysterious points in our lives. Moves along well enough, and it's full of potential. The sentence structure needs some polish however.

Thrilling and chilling and moves fairly well. Well done. Good luck with this Patricia.

Sue Sohn

Well this is too scary for me. That whole after the baby thing......yikes. I think you have a great set up. The whole opening prologue really sets the stage for us to wonder what is happening. I have no nitpicks. All I can add here is a Well done.
Backed of course.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

I read the first couple of chapters, and have to say this is my kind of book. You've probably guessed I'm a horror-reading kind of gal, and this would do well on paper or in the theatre. The pitch reads well, and from what I've read, you can definitely pull it off. On my shelf for a spin.
Lisa

What I liked about this is how you use dialogue to keep the story moving. The pacing here is excellent. The only crit I had was the heavy use of pronouns. Take the begining of the prologue for example - a number of the sentences start with He -- where you see two in a row consider combining the sentences with an "and" for flow. And at the end of chapter 2 - the "she" isn't always clear. (and in the end is she at the door or near the bed there might be a small contradiction in location - I'd have her grab the door instead). I definitely wanted to turn the page and see what happened to Jenna in the next chapter. Nice work.

The pitch drew me in and I really liked the premise

The overall voice is clear and concise and characterization well developed, and although I loved the story,

I felt the sentences throughout chapter one needs to be tighter to speed up the pace.

However, that is a small point and the big picture is you have a very interesting manuscript. In my opinion, your strength is in your descriptive writing, the elaborate use of sensory language is compelling.

I wish you the very best

Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Hi Patricia,

It's clear you have good knowledge of the settings. Your writing flows and the premise is gripping.
Backed with pleasure.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

hanks for your kind comments. I will certainly consider the pints you made. I am aware that I need to do a really good last edit so your thoughts are most welcome. Cheers

Patricia
Saw this on Francesco shelf and thought I'd stop by .....I read the pitch twice just to make sure I didn't miss anything....You promise much, but am sure you deliver....

I made a couple of notes......

D'you think you need the words in brackets.

before (but) it was something (that) you never quite got used to ....
mind's eye (and) he couldn't (seem to) rid himself of the macabre image......

he (had) received
he (had) neglected........

I thought you conjured great imagery of the little girl, standing nervously, I could literally see her from your description....

Later I thought....saying your character was enjoying the 'suns warm embrace,' very pictorial.......

The girl in the bed moaned out loud......I'd delete ....out loud....finish that sentence with moaned....it's a strong enough adjective..

A real page turner at the end of loaded chapeter two, with the splatter of blood.....The reader has no choice but to throttle on....

I enjoyed the read and wish you well with this....

shelved with pleasure.

Patricia
Saw this on Francesco shelf and thought I'd stop by .....I read the pitch twice just to make sure I didn't miss anything....You promise much, but am sure you deliver....

I made a couple of notes......

D'you think you need the words in brackets.

before (but) it was something (that) you never quite got used to ....
mind's eye (and) he couldn't (seem to) rid himself of the macabre image......

he (had) received
he (had) neglected........

I thought you conjured great imagery of the little girl, standing nervously, I could literally see her from your description....

Later I thought....saying your character was enjoying the 'suns warm embrace,' very pictorial.......

The girl in the bed moaned out loud......I'd delete ....out loud....finish that sentence with moaned....it's a strong enough adjective..

A real page turner at the end of loaded chapeter two, with the splatter of blood.....The reader has no choice but to throttle on....

I enjoyed the read and wish you well with this....

shelved with pleasure.

Very good horror/thriller from a confident and more than able writer.
Backed.

Thanks for your kind comments. I will certainly take a look at your book. best wishes for the New Year. Patricia.

Hi, Patricia. Intriguing pitch. Well done. Got me to read the book..., well, prologue and 3 chapters of it.
Excellent. The swan in chapter one was funny. You have an effective narrative style that flows nicely and is very easy to read and follow. The story develops well, one little thing on top of another with good continuity. I think you've got a good approach. Well worth backing. On my shelf and the best of luck with it.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

Hi, Patricia. Intriguing pitch. Well done. Got me to read the book..., well, prologue and 3 chapters of it.
Excellent. The swan in chapter one was funny. You have an effective narrative style that flows nicely and is very easy to read and follow. The story develops well, one little thing on top of another with good continuity. I think you've got a good approach. Well worth backing. On my shelf and the best of luck with it.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

I found your book really gripping and just wish I had the time to read it all - chilling, thrilling, wonderful. Some comments on mine would be appreciated if you get chance, although it's a different genre to yours.

Jane Holyoake
(The Spiral Pendant)

Good blend of fiction, horror, and thriller! Great pitch and story concept, all the makings of a good book to read on a cold night! Backed with pleasure.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

In the prologue, you're telling us everything, I guess that's what you want to do. I prefer it to be more subtle.

Patricia, this is a really good read, one which absolutely deserves to be moving up the charts. It's got all the ingredients for a best seller. Backed with pleasure.
Best of luck and hopes that you'll take time to read Devil's Trace.
RC White

Insight

Hi Patricia

Methinks that you haven't had much time for this site recently because there is absolutely no way this story deserves a red arrow. We can tell that we are in the hands of someone with a serious approach to writing from simply reading your pitch. My only suggestion for the pitch is that you bung in some white space, to spread it out a little. The premise of the story is strong, Rosemary's baby meets Exorcist. The hunt, the terror, the malice, all is well conveyed. The opening scene is gripping and you start straight away to build the intrigue for us. Patricia this deserves to be going up the charts not down them, I will see what I can do about that right now.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Hi Patricia - my apologies for taking so long to get to your book. Lots going on with Christmas and now we're doing some renovations, but finally, I've found some time to have a read. I like your main character and you've put him in an uncomfortable situation with the child which I like. Perhaps a little more showing instead of telling would make your story even better. I like it enough to back it for a time however.

Jeanne (Dark Angel)

A cracking start to this story. You have the imagery down, the choking scent of death and the disposition of Mike is an endearing one. You give him a very human feel and don't waste time ensuring the reader can identify with him. A few things i noticed:
The double had took me out of this...perhaps Mike had broken...
But this one cowered at his touch---this line felt abrutp...perhaps---unlike his own this one coward at his touch
You follow this up with Jenna in the second chapter and she is also well fleshed out though lost. She has flaws and she is dynamic bending to each scene easily.
I did enjoy this, a type of book I would readon my own and pick up from a store.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

SHELVING because this is a compelling story.

I can use your comments on my book when you have time. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Very well done. I enjoyed your writing and I never back anything I don't like. Your opening paragraph was wonderful and drew me in, keeping me reading. I will happily back your book for a time. Best of luck.

Jeanne (Dark Angel)

I initially noticed the book because of that striking cover, ideal for a thriller/horror book, and the pitches work very well, the last line of the long pitch is particularly good. I'm not a big fan off horror - too many experiences of writing intended purely to induce shock without any relevance to plot - but there's a strong story here and the shocking elements, which are certainly present, are never gratuitous.
There are a fair number of instances where the punctuation could be improved, but not sufficiently serious as to slow the flow of the story and as I read on I stopped noticing the occasional missed comma and concentrated on the plot. I'm impressed with the way you cover the relationship between Jenna and David. They certainly have problems but you show the inevitable stress in a sensitive manner.
This works well and after a strict edit could be even better. It's not my normal choice of read but you have considerable ability as writer in this genre and I'll back you on that basis.
Jared.

Tense and shocking writing, I don't see why this is falling down the charts at all. I instantly fell into your luring plot, wanting to read on and not at the same time, hiding behind the pillow as I read on. You definitely know how to instill a certain type of atmosphere, especially without turning it stale and languid. My only gripe would be that you need to have a read through and get some commas in place. There are a whole heap of sentences that could really be tidied up with just a spot of good grammar. Other than that, I thought this was a great read.

Andrew

Scary and powerful opening. Yet you use this brief first chapter to effectively establish Mike's personality and do it well. And you writing is effective in describing this poor little girl. I will come back and read more but, in the meantime, because I am overdue in commenting on your book, I wanted to give you some feedback. You are on to something here. Well done. And shelved.

This is sickening, disturbing subject matter, and you pull it off well. Always worse when children are involved. You have a powerful voice. WL.

You probably noticed from my profile that I am a horror reader. Well, looking at your pitch, this is somewhere between Rosemary’s baby and poltergeist. Can’t wait to get stuck in!
The first chapter is graphic, the poor little girl left alone with her dead mother. You handle this emotional scene well. One thing I saw:
…behind the thumb that was already planted their. (I think you mean ‘there’.)
In the second chapter, and we meet Jenna. I am guessing she is the little girl from the first chapter – you hint fairly heavily at this. She’s indeed a reluctant pregnant woman. You’ve set up the stress between husband and wife, and now the pregnancy is threatened. This is a great start to the novel.

Very good story,. te opening is bloody and gruesome. The appearance of the little girl touching. Shelved.

Very good story,. te opening is bloody and gruesome. The appearance of the little girl touching. Shelved.

This is superb , with authenticity in every thought and movement. The Police officer is portrayed perfectly and the trauma suffered by the little girl is real. It would be very difficult to 'Break the lock' to gain access without breaking something else as well. Perhaps 'Broke the door' or 'broke the glass'. This is pure nit-picking but it jarred with me. This book deserves to do well. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Thank you so much for your kind comments. Will check your book out as soon as I have a spare moment...

Patricia, I've read the first 2 chapters and this is definitely a book I would buy. You have a well-written, gripping story here. It's on my shelf.

Darcia

Patricia, I've read the first 2 chapters and this is definitely a book I would buy. You have a well-written, gripping story here. It's on my shelf.

Darcia

hi patricia. left you a message the other day but i have been buggering my message sending. anyway well written with good pacing. my wife is senior nurse and is often late because of paper work, so true to life also. on my watchlist, would shelve it but dont want to budge anyone just yet, but will move it up later. all the best. martin.
mrs gristle.a rick bunion investigation.

Back and just finished chapter three. I like the flavor of your imagery. Usually a horror story isn't my type, but I have to say, you've held my interest. A child dealing with loss is something I've always been interested in though. My field is in psychology and I deal with a lot of children dealing with loss and tragic happenings.

Great read so far.

Hi Patricia and fellow horror writer. So far so good. can't wait to find out what the little girl saw. Please give Grave Encounterz a read. Thanks and happy writing.

The pitch for this works well, and also nicely set out. We get a good idea of where the whole thing’s heading and what’s at stake for the protagonist, Jenna. Only one niggle: your long pitch is quite a big block, and it might be less intimidating for potential readers if you were to split it up a bit.

In the prologue you present a very compelling portrait of a young child struggling to cope with grief and loss. “Her dirty pinafore dress screwed up where she had been gripping and twisting it between her podgy fingers.” And also Mike’s inability ever to get used to unnatural deaths. The dialogue is unforced and realistic. Chapter two takes us straight into the heart and mind of your troubled central character, Jenna, and we get a sympathetic portrait of a mind in turmoil. You write very well, by the way, and you’ve got a very likeable MC.

Only one typo I could see:
“Behind the thumb that was planted their” – should be ‘there’.

All in all, this is a super piece of work and deserves to go far. Bookshelved.

Bren Verrill
The Weird Problem of Good.