Aggie Lichen; Pilp Collector - Hero Required

This is so unique and I find that very refreshing! And so well written!! CUTE!! CUTE!!! I love how the fairies talk and their personalities! Great job!!

It's easy to see that this is from the pen of an accomplished writer. It may be a simple child's story, but the imaginativeness and inventiveness place it far higher than that. Creating languages that can be read by humans but are easily seen to be foreign is just genius. Using language in such a creative way is exactly what sparks the minds of adults and children alike.

Andrew

Brilliantly done! I am enjoying this great tale. You have a great first line to the story. The opening is intriguing and gets the senses flowing from the very start. You have a great flow of action that caught my attention and sucked me right in to the last word on the page.

I very much like your language. It is easy to read it if you just read it normally and not stop and pay attention to the extra letters. It atts a good element to the story without having to decypher a mysterious language. Although there were a few places you forgot to add the extra letters. "Over heree look att mee," should it be "Overr heree lookk att mee." and "You know her . . ." should it be "Youu knoww herr . . ." Make sure you do this with consistency if that is the effect you are going for.

I love this! My children would enjoy this book as well!

On my bookshelf!

My daughter Mya said this book is awesome, cool, and fantastic. We got as far as chapter 3 (we took turns reading). I promised her we would finish reading what you had posted. Mya says this story belongs on my shelf and that I need to keep on there for awhile.

Wonderfully original. The grublins language is great, I think your target market will enjoy it. A great tale that flows well, had me flowing to the end of chapter 4. The fact that this is a series makes me itch to read the first one. (A creature of habit me - have to start properly at the beginning!) Shelved.

Very interesting. I've read through chapter three and you are introducing the main characters at the right pace. Arty is a complete turd and definitely up to no good. Chapter one is a great opener. You managed to get me to use all of my senses. I imagined the Grublin fairies to smell like bad cheese! It was very easy to picture the girl and her mother position themselves to make the capture.

This would be a very popular story with YA as it touches on themes relevent to that age group- bullying being the most prevalant so far. The Grublin dialogue is a bit distracting and I'm glad you provided an explanation at the beginning. There were several areas though where the double lettering wasn't consistent, so you'll want to check that.

Shelved.
EJ

It's so beautiful story - the wording is charming, dialogues are very good, characters are described in depth.
And all this with a light, almost funny kind of story-telling.
I feel like swimming in the river, closing eyes because sun reflects in the water and tries to penetrate my eyes, but instead of being grumpy, I feel pleasantly light. That's about how i feel reading your book. Does it make sence?

What an amazingly fun first chapter. I love the language of you Grublins and there is something just so original about this I can't help but read on. Up on my shelf. :o)
Stauna

My daughters would have loved this and the potential is huge. The fact that a series is on the way should make this very tempting indeed. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Great fun! I showed the first few pages to my nine year old, and had to prise her off my Mac. I've had to promise to let her read the rest later. Shelved.
JMD
The Alchemist's Heir

Hi Debra,
Your story made me smile. On my shelf.

I think that you should revist your use of the word 'creature' when the fairies are trying to talk to each other in the jars. It's hardly a word they would use to describe themselves is it? (or is it?) I kept wondering why the first ones captured hadn't recovered from the the potion first. Why number six and not number one?

I also think you need some vowels in the fairy 'speech' in chapter 2. Have a thought for the poor parents reading this to their kids at night.

Chapter 3 is the best of the chapters I read because it shows simple meaness and has lots of decription of the fairy high school. Lots of things for the reader to relate to. I think you should try and infuse 1 and 2 with stronger emotions, the girl and her mum, the captured fairies.

The other thing I would do if I was writting this was reduce or remove the 'tell' about the kinds of fairy and their lives. Let it come out of the story when it needs to,

Hope that helps

John

I just finished reading chapter one and found it a bit stiff, perhaps if you have it flowing better I'd be more into it right away, however having said that, as I read on, I noticed you did relax more with the writing and it flowed better. I think it is the beginning half page that threw me. Perhaps if you could lighten it a bit, it would be easier to read. Most people today like to get right into it.
You have excellent dialogue. You also show good imagery as a reader gets closer to the middle of the chapter.

Thank you for the comment, Valentina. I am so pleased you enjoyed it.

OMG i love this, it's brilliant! Kids are going to go crazy over this story! The whole opening is so intriguing and the idea of the little creature under her pillow, and collecting them in jars is excellent. I love the whole plot idea and i was really drawn in. Your narrative voice was clear and the stroy flowed well for me, i wasn't halted by anything.

Definitely backing...all the best of luck! x

Hi Debra,

Here I am, reporting for our swap. Sorry it's taken me a while to get to your story. You have a great premise here and very colorful, engaging writing.

A few comments/suggestions:

You start ch 1 with a very distant pov. I think it would be more interesting for the reader to go straight & deep into Maddie's pov.

>> As the string moved...

During moments of action, I'd suggest shorter, more clipped sentences. It helps the reader feel the pace of the moment.

>> It was only a question from her mother...

I found the wording of this sentence a little awkward.

>> ...that was dominateing the arena -- could be just "that dominated"

>> What's an FFP?

This paragraph ran on a bit too long for me; I started drifting off as a reader. In general, I felt the sequence where the fairies are trying to recognize each other dragged on a bit too long.

All these quibbles aside, I love the voice & premise of your story! I'm going to shelve it - and I wish you the best of luck!

Karin
("Eolyn")

Hi Debra, I have read your first two chapters and found them absolutely enchanting. There is so obviously a well thought through back story here , which I look forward to seeing emerge through the book. You have really conjured up the different creatures for the reader, and I really liked the way the grublinfairy dialogue was handled, and the well considered details such as the juice dependency you've set up! Happy to shelve this, good luck with it.

A ha! A sister in arms. This is wonderful... flumping especially. You have immediatley set up the scene and drawn me in. Us fairy champions have gotta stick together, looking forward to reading more, but backed for now! All the best, Michael

Hello Debra,

I have read two chapters so far and they gave an idea of the quality of this story.Aggie's world is beautifully captured. The story flows smoothly, with concise dialogue, effective narratives, a captivating setting and true-to-life characterizations.

From the synopsis and the sample chapters read, it is easy to see the unfolding of a clever plot. Overall, this is an accomplished story in its genre. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (flash of the Sun)

This is an absolutely charming story and I think without a doubt we need children all over the country (or world) to be introduced to Grublins and Pilp Collectors. Beautifully written story which draws you in to a wondrous tale of pure fantasy and delight. Got to shelf this to help you on your way. Take care Jon

This is a very charming story. And pretty original too, which is always a lovely surprise!

Hi Debra,
Wow, what an idea. It oozes children fiction and I think every child reading this would love it, I certainly did!
Just a few times, in the first chapter, I noticed a change in the way Maddy was spelt and a few missing capital letters on Mum, but other than that, it was great.
On my watch list
Best Wishes
Bec (Cariad)

Hi Debra

This is a lovely tale, well-told, and I'm sure it will go down a storm with children of all ages (any reference to snot usually guarantees a place in a child's heart!) My only citicism/nit-pick is the Grublin-Fairy speak in some places, and this can easily be remedied if you read it aloud to yourself. You seem to have mainly just doubled up on the final letter of the word, but that doesn't always work. For instance, 'ohh mightyy onee' would make it sound like an extra syllable on one (wunny), when I think you're simply aiming for a drawn-out sound.

That aside, this is really delightful and I can think of quite a few children who would love to hear it, so up on my shelf it goes for a spin!

Best of luck
Amerynthe
The Living and The Dead

Delightful and endearing in equal measures, this story will appeal to children of all ages (up to 36 at least!) with its abundance of charm. I love the phrase 'pilp collector' - did you make this up yourself, it's great. The characters, they way they speak, their names and the fantasy world you have created are just lovely. I found some of the words hard to pronounce, particularly boznpsf, but I think I can let that pass! Oodles of fun... and then some. Shelved.

I think this is just adorable!!! Having worked in a school, I know the kids would LOVE this story. It would be great for a teacher to read out loud! I loved how your first paragraph grabs hold of you and you are in for the ride thereafter!! Your characterization is perfect and your dialogue smooth. I would take out the doubling of letters though. Just tell the reader how the character sounds. It's very dizzying on the page to read that. Shelved! Hope you get it published!!!
Tammy
The Chimney Still Stands

This is very cute. Thanks for inviting me to have a read! For some reason it's not really catching me right now - maybe a preponderance of adjectives, or maybe I'm just not feeling up to a kids book right now. I'd suggest, as somebody mentions below, that a clearer description of what the g's voices actually sound like is definitely in order, since the spelling itself doesn't really tell the reader (and it could well be an out-loud reader) what sort of voice to think of. All the best to you, and good luck on here!

I'm normally not into this type of writing, but I see why the MC sticks out. Shelving you. If you have not read/commented (possibly backed/shelved my book yet) please take a moment out and let me know what you think of my efforts.
Cheers!
JC

Hi Debra - I can see that this is a subject which would really appeal to younger readers - it's good fun, involves smells and is smoothly written. I'm just wondering how you anticipate the speech of the Grublins being interpreted - it's nigh on impossible to pronounce in places if you try to read it out loud!

The image of the rag and cotton wool bed provided in the jar is marvellous. In fact, this book is a prime candidate for some Quentin Blake style illustrations. I can see Grublins on lunch boxes even now!

brillantly written. i love the dialouge too and how you add all those extra words and sound out how the character is pronouncing the words. love it!
-Cara

very easy reading!
Best of luck
Trish
What happens when you hit the bit three ooooohhhhh

Debra,

This was recommended to me by the lovely Shubie, and as she has impeccalbe taste, I've come forthwith.

The short pitch is intriuging and full of wonderful new words and sounds. The cover looks well judged for young children, I have a daughter who I think would have loved that cover when she was younger (actually she probably still would).

The long pitch is equally engaging, though it might be easier to read if you split it into a few shorter paragraphs. There's also a minor typo, you have: Aggie Lichen[]was no ordinary girl, with no space between Lichen and was. There are also quite a few "but"s in the pitch, you could probably edit one or two out.

Now's probably a good time to explain I type notes whilst I read, to post into the comments box at the end, the down side is that I tend to focus on nit-picks on the way through, but I do summarise at the end, and focus on what I like.

Right, into chapter one. And guess what? After warning of a tendency to nit-pick, I've read through this chapter without taking a single note.

And the second and third too; three chapters and not a significant nit to pick. In young adult or children's books I usually look for:

1 an X factor to attract kids attention away from the PlayStation;
2 age appropriate language;
3 educational value, a moral or some insight; and
4 particuarly for children's book, something for the adults who buy the books and often read them to their kids

You've marked both children's book and YA, and I'm not sure the age you're pitching at. Seems to me the language would be appropriate for kids not long reading alone.

This has wonderful language, including all your made up words, that I'm sure would both appeal to children and keep the parents amused.

It's too early to be sure, but from what I've read and your pitch it seems likely the Pilp Collector presents a positive message about working together, whilst amusing readers.

A modern day fairy tale, with a wonderful approach to language I can see this being very succesful. My kids are too old for this but I have cousins with younger children who I think would very much enjoy it.

Shelved.

Debra

I was looking forward to reading this as I've found myself, since being on Authonomy, captured by Fantasy tales/books. I love the decriptions, especially of the Grublins

This is so captivating from very early on. I read through several chapters with ease - wonderful

Only one comment, I think some of the parapraphs need looking over as there was, I feel, a few unnecessary words, but it appears only in the first few paragraphs, the rest is flawless. IMHO.. But overall it's well written even reading your story as taught me a few things.

I'm giving this a little time on my, 'long wooden shelf!'

Regards
Chris Thom
Working to Motherhood
Look forward to your return review

Wonderful, revolting, love the imagery.. The play on tooth fairies is great fun, though I'm slightly worried that you may totally freak kids out about ever losing another tooth!

Good luck with this - its going on my shelf.

Rikki

Debra,
I enjoyed your sweet little story, although I must admit that decades have gone by since the last time I read something like this. Very clever use of a familiar myth, readily identifiable by nearly everyone. Your Grublin-faeries roused guilt in my heart for every firefly I ever caught as a child. The kids will cheer at the faerie-speak spelling, especially "butt." And, because I live near the land of the MOUSE in Florida, I laughed at Maddie's goal of going to Disneyland Paris.

I do have one problem, and that's my pet peeve. Perhaps you'll disagree - yours to choose.
The great, undefined "it" has no room on the written page in my opinion. As used in several sentences at the very beginning of Chapter One, "it" waters down the action. Rephrase to remove "it" and the verbs are stronger. Obviously, we all use the phrase in speech, so I fault no one for using it in dialog. And I catch myself writing it occasionally, then fuss aloud as I rewrite.
Best wishes for success. I'll put this on my shelf momentarily.
Mary

Hi Debra,

This is an adorable premise and has a lot of promise. There are some technical things to be mindful of (punctuation errors, first sentence - two dashes to offset, or two comma -- for example) and keep the dialog moving forward (it wandered a little in the fairies thoughts) because young readers tune out fast.

With a hard edit, this has the possibility of greatness. Shelved based on creativity and fun!

Kendra
Switch

So this is where the tooth fairies have gone, been wondering all these years ;-)

You've created a very nice world and I'd love to read this outloud to a child because the tone is so cute.

Wish I had helpful comments to offer but because I'm not familiar with this genre and because I had a smile on my face the entire time I was reading it, all I can do is shelve it and wish you the best.

Dania (The It! Refugee)

You have a unique storyline and have written it well; using visualizations. I've only read the first chapter but I plan on reading more.

An original idea, well executed. The title is a bit of a mouthful but love the idea of catching those tooth fairies. If your target reader is children then it might be a good idea to break up the blocks of text a bit. Makes for easier reading.

Not sure if boys would go for it, but girls will love it. Happy to back this and good luck

Aggie LIchen-
Debra-
This is adorable. I know so many kids who would love this.
Your style is smooth and Aggie is relatable.
Very very cute.
Shelved.
~Krista Darrach
-Riley's Gift (I'd love your opinion of my YA novel)

I love the fact that the mom is on on the tooth fairy capture! I was sure the little girl would call her mom, only to be soothed against nightmares. This was a good twist! It is a fun read. I would watch out for the dashes- some of your sentences could be made into two, rather than one long one with a dash (like this one). Also, I like how the fairies rhyme, but the double letters started to annoy me after a bit ... could just be a personal thing, though. Finally, your long description on the book profile is good, but one long paragraph. You could split that up to be more 'reader friendly'. I backed this!

Ah... this is really cute. I don't know what kids like but if I were a kid I think I'd love it. What a funny idea - catching tooth fairies. Totally out of my area of expertise (as if I had an area of expertise), but I think I’ll back it just for the hell of it. I’m a grown up and I think it’s great. Best of luck with it.

Aggie...

I have absolutely no hesitation in shelving this. The writing is great, the characters are real, and the creatures are fun. I think you have a winner here.

Go easy on the adverbs, too, but that´s all.

Cheers,
Sheryl

Aggie...

Actually, I have no problem with the absence of anything special to explain your world...I like the way you´ve done it, gradually by weaving in the information in the middle of action and dialogue scenes.

I adore your opening and was worried that Aggie and her mom wouldn´t catch ten in total and would never get to Disneyland Paris.

Only one nit...exclamation marks have gone out of favour in adult fiction, even for imperatives. However, I just picked up my copy of one of the Harry Potters and did find the occasional exclamation mark. Nonetheless, I´d go easy on them.

Reading on....

One thing I've noticed, and one that many who write fantasy and sci-fi have been making is that they have created the world we are reading on the page completely in their mind, with no limits to the boundaries of their Fantasia, but they have not explained this world completely to their reader. This, unfortunately, is what you have done. You have begun to paint on an endless canvass that needs a frame to focus the attention of the viewer. Fortunately, this is easy to remedy.

The best way to fix the situation is to provide an opening chapter to describe the characters, species, and creatures of the world you have made. It lets the people know what to expect rather than try and figure out each new creature on their own and were they fit in the human world, if at all. Sort like the way Bilbo did at the beginning of Lord of the Rings to describe the hobbits and how they fit in with the world of humans.

You could also provide a narrator to add tangent explanations of what creatures and why they behave in a certain way. This would be good to describe the sprites.

With all that said, I enjoy the story. It makes the reader want more, but without the structure it adds too much confusion. You have a very creative imagination, and I love the characters, just give us a little more. In the mean time shelved for creativity and funny smells.

Later days,
Kenny

Hi Debra-

This is a charming little tale - filled with everything girls of all ages will like! Your descriptions are wonderful, and your opening really drew me in to want to read more. Maddy is a sweet character!

Nothing to nit with your writing - it flows well, and the story line is fresh and novel. The only thing I might suggest is for your intro... If you plan on using your long intro for promotional purposes, I would suggest breaking it into multiple paragraphs - bite sized chunks, if you will... The audience you are writing for tend to get overwhelmed with lengthy paragraphs. Take it for what it's worth. Other than that, this is wonderful. I'm happy to back it!

Kim

Hi Debra,

Nice opening. It grabbed my attention and made me want to find out exactly what was to follow. Maddy collecting tooth fairies and her mother helping. Brillaint money making scheme. Liked the little history of the Grublin-fairies.

Chap 2 moves at a great pace and introduces more characters. Great use of dialogue, very believable. Again Chap 3 moves along swiftly. Loved the interaction between bugface Myrtle and thingy Aggie in chap 4. It made me laugh. Loved the ending: Who’ss Fredd?

So far, this is a wonderful story that kids will love. You’ve created a realistic world in Pilpsville and likable and interesting characters. Very well written.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Great style, easy to follow prose, solid voice, interesting characters and an engaging, orignal story - what's not to like about this.

Backed with my best wishes,
David
Green Ore

Hi Debra,

Welcome to authonomy! Thought I'd pop over and have a read of your manuscript...always like reading young adult pieces to see the type of stuff my own kids are reading!

And delighted I am! What a great idea...catching the pilp fairy...oh, I hope my kids don't start doing that! And adorable how their voice sounds from inside the jar. I can totally hear it. You write so that I feel like a fly on the wall..er, ah...a toothfairy in a jar...

You'll do well here! Shelved.

Johanna
Scream Out Loud

Johanna, thank you for the welcome and lovely comments. I thought I'd come up with a unique, original storyline. Unfortunately although others see that, the publishers don't, which is really frustrating. But I shall persevere as always and hope that my patience wins through.

Best wishes, Debra

Hi Debra,

Welcome to authonomy! Thought I'd pop over and have a read of your manuscript...always like reading young adult pieces to see the type of stuff my own kids are reading!

And delighted I am! What a great idea...catching the pilp fairy...oh, I hope my kids don't start doing that! And adorable how their voice sounds from inside the jar. I can totally hear it. You write so that I feel like a fly on the wall..er, ah...a toothfairy in a jar...

You'll do well here! Shelved.

Johanna
Scream Out Loud

At first I thougth this was just another toothfairy story. I was pleasantly surprised. I like the thought you put into the fairy community. Grublins stink...I wondered what the smell was in the kids room.

Thank you - I'm glad you liked it!

At first I thougth this was just another toothfairy story. I was pleasantly surprised. I like the thought you put into the fairy community. Grublins stink...I wondered what the smell was in the kids room.

This is so unique and I find that very refreshing! And so well written!! CUTE!! CUTE!!! I love how the fairies talk and their personalities! Great job!!

Thank you for your lovely comment! It makes it so worthwhile when nice people say nice things.
Have a great day!