Book Jacket

 

rank 2837
word count 15827
date submitted 31.05.2009
date updated 19.07.2009
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Children's, Young...
classification: universal
incomplete

Aggie Lichen; Pilp Collector - Hero Required

Debra J Edwards

Pilpsville's in chaos - screeching sprites, filthy Grublins and a usurper on the throne! With no pilp collectors around either, who will save this world?

 

Six months ago Aggie Lichen was a normal fifteen year old. She reluctantly went to school, constantly argued with her sister and spent far too much time looking in the mirror! But while other teenagers were out enjoying themselves, Aggie was sneaking into children’s bedrooms hoping to collect the perfect pilp. You see Aggie Lichen was no ordinary girl. She was a pilp collector – a tooth fairy!


But that was then – this is now …


With sprites and Grublins roaming the streets causing chaos, someone needs to restore calm and return Pilpsville to its former glory. But with most of the town’s inhabitants turned into Grublin-fairies by the evil Arty Granger’s potion, the task seems virtually impossible. A hero is required, but where can one be found?


In a glass jar, captured by humans, lies a Grublin-fairy. Stripped of its memories, it knows nothing of its former life, friends or family. Yet this pathetic little creature has a vital role to play – and remembering its own name could be the perfect starting point!

 
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tags

children's, fairies, fantasy, humour

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Hi everyone,

Need to explain a few things before you start to read the book.

 

-         This is the third book in the Aggie Lichen; Pilp Collector series.

-         The book was not really intended to be a read aloud book, more a read alone book.

-         Grublins and Grublin-fairies have always spoken with a double letter at the end of each word. Adults seem to have a problem with this, but I can honestly say that not one child has ever asked how to pronounce Grublin speak.

-         Spritespiel is based on Caesar cipher where the previous letter is taken to understand what the sprites say. This has proven popular with boys who have read the books.

 

I think that’s it!

 

 

 

Chapter One

 

 

It was the revolting stench that first aroused the sleeping pilp donor, a female human child of about ten years - that along with the constant pushing and shoving beneath its head. It started as a slightly unpleasant pong - the type often associated with mild foot odour. If it had stayed at that smell level then perhaps the events that followed wouldn’t have followed!

   As the first whiff arrived, the child pulled the pink flowered bed covers up close to her face and turned over. Her eyes remained tightly shut as the night’s sleep consumed her still, her breathing deep, long and unaffected. Then as the tiny winged creature moved nearer, the smell it emitted grew stronger and more powerful. The human child gave a gentle cough causing her freckled nose to wrinkle as the invasion of her nostrils began. A stronger cough followed then a splutter. Like a snake, her tongue slipped from her mouth as she tasted the vile air. Her head was bumped around on the matching pillow as the creature rummaged underneath for its reward. As the child’s eyes shot open there came a sudden awareness that all was not right in her world.

   ‘MUM! MUM! Come quick! There’s another one under my pillow.’ Maddie, as the human child was called, leapt out of bed and grabbed the strategically placed plastic fly swotter from her chest of drawers. She turned back catching sight of the creature’s hairy legs as it scrambled around, still searching. Maddie crept up to the edge of the bed, moving slowly towards the pillow from which a thin piece of string protruded and dangled over the side. She heard her mum climb the stairs and enter the room but, following a familiar routine, never turned round. With mum now positioned on the opposite side of the bed, they waited patiently for the string to wiggle, a sure sign that the bait had been taken. They didn’t have to wait long!

   As the string moved, mum swung into action lifting the pillow high in the air creating a large space which allowed her daughter to swoop down with a mighty whack. The creature, now sandwiched between the swotter and the bedsheet, made no attempt to move, partly because it was trapped and partly as it had been rendered unconscious by the force of the blow.

   ‘Get the jar, mum. There’s one on the dresser,’ Maddie whispered. ‘Quick, before it wakes up.’ She turned to point, keeping the pressure on the fly swotter as she spoke.

   Mum swung round and grabbed the large glass container. ‘Here,’ she said, passing it to Maddie with the lid already flipped open. Placing the jar directly over the creature and pushing down on the sheet, Maddie slid the swotter out carefully.

   ‘Hurry, dear. It’s stirring!’ Seeing the creature’s eyes flicker, mum shoved a piece of card directly under its body and flicked the creature into the jar. Snap! With the lid secured and a few air holes punched in, the capture was complete. Mum sighed with relief. ‘Put it downstairs, Maddie, with the others.’

   The child ran out of the room and leapt down the stairs to the basement. ‘There,’ she said proudly, pushing the jar onto a long wooden shelf full of similar looking containers.

   Maddie stood back and admired her growing collection then shook her head. ‘Oh dear, that won’t do!’ She moved her latest captive along slightly then took the two jars that were already on the shelf and changed them around. ‘Height order, that’s how I like it! You must have grown,’ she said to the creature in jar six. ‘We’ll have to cut your food down!’

   She took a step back again and after nodding in approval, returned to the shelf. ‘One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!’ She tapped each one noisily as she spoke startling each of the seven imprisoned creatures in turn. ‘And now, number eight!’

   She picked up jar number eight, turning it this way and that for a full minute. It was only a question from her mother that stopped the girl from completely flipping the jar over in her effort to fully awaken its occupant.

   ‘Eight,’ she answered, putting the jar back into its position. ‘We’ve got eight altogether.’

   ‘Wow!’ shouted mum, her head appearing round the basement door. ‘That’ll make them believe us. Then we’ll be on T.V. and everything.’

   ‘Yep! But that reporter said to call him back when we had ten. Well, we’re almost there, mum.’ Maddie made her way towards the stairs counting on her hands as she climbed up and out of the basement. ‘Just two more will do it,’ she said, slamming the door hard behind her.

   Since the demise of the pilp collector - or tooth fairy as humans call them - the capturing of Grublin-fairies had become a daily occurence in this household. Maddie and her mother had quickly realised that these strange little creatures could be worth a small fortune - if they could get someone to believe them! Several of the bigger newspapers had turned their story down flat dismissing them both as loonies and time wasters. Even the tabloids had ridiculed their story, bearing in mind that they ran stories like, ‘A greenfly ate my gerbil!’ In fact, it had become increasingly difficult to find anyone who would even answer their phone calls, until one small monthly magazine finally agreed to run the story, but there was one strict condition - ten captured creatures. The magazine was doubtful, just like the other publications, but by insisting on much greater evidence, there was a possibility of a news story. And now with just two more creatures to go, it finally looked as if fame and fortune were smiling down on Maddie and her mum, and their dream of going to Disneyland Paris could soon come true.

  In truth, the Grublin-fairies were such easy prey as they were fundamentally ill-equipped to do the job of the tooth fairy. They were much heavier, smelt really bad and tended to flump - a cross between jumping and flying - rather than fly. Yet all was not as it seemed. A Grublin was indeed just that, a Grublin - an inhabitant of Grublin City which lay far to the north of Pilpsville, land of the tooth fairies, which in turn was part of the world of Mirvellon. Generally speaking, Grublins did not venture much into the human world and certainly did not collect pilps - teeth. The occupants of the glass jars that stood carefully upon the wooden shelf were, therefore, not true Grublins at all. They were, in fact, part Grublin, part pilp collector - Grublin-fairies.

   At the bottom of the stairs, the jar filled shelf trembled slightly, knocking glass against glass. In jar number six the tiny creature steadied itself by pressing its grey chubby hands and feet against the sides, then once the rocking had stopped, it slumped despondently to the bottom. It scraped the remains of the mouldy scraps of bread off the inside of the jar into its hands, hungrily gobbling them down. The bulging eyes surveyed the extent of their prison. A piece of ragged green cloth served as a make-shift bed while a less than fluffy cotton wool ball posed as a pillow. The creature sighed, flicking thin strands of long black hair behind its shoulder. The screwed up face portrayed a mind in turmoil as it tried deperately to remember what it had been told to forget.

   ‘II wass inn aa squaree, butt whatt wass II doingg theree?’ The creature picked absent-mindedly at a black thread on its tatty skirt. ‘Theree weree otherss.’

   It reached into its bag, tossing an empty grey bottle over its shoulder. How it longed for one more drop of its tasty contents. It had been two long days since the last dregs of juice had been drunk. Now, the only liquid came in the form of water sprayed in the top of the jar by the human child.

   ‘Onlyy aa feww dayss agoo II wass freee. Nott stuckk inn somee crummyy jarr withh noo properr foodd andd drinkk. Poorr mee!’

   A sudden tapping made the creature look directly to the left into the jar of captive number seven, a grey skinned beast not unlike itself. On its face, a pair of thick framed glasses fought with its nose to stay in position. Dark tufts of hair were scattered across its head like clumps of grass, making it look quite ridiculous. The creature was jumping up and down like a furious froglet. The third nostril it possessed flared wildly as it tried deperately to catch the attention of creature six.

   ‘Aaaaahhhh, over heree look att me,’ it screamed - not that creature six could hear much through the thick barrier of glass walls.

   Creature six, having no idea what this creature wanted, hurled a nasty remark then added, ‘Ohh, justt goo awayy. I’mm veryy busyy beingg miserablee andd wouldd ratherr nott bee disturbedd!’

   With that, it turned its back on creature seven, choosing to dwell a lot deeper into self-pity than it had originally intended. After all, things were getting worse not better so what was the point in trying to communicate with something that also had no future.

   ‘II meann, II havee beenn heree twoo wholee dayss andd noww itt wantss too talkk.’ 

   But the banging continued, and as hard as creature six tried, it could not ignore the thumpity-thump noises that kept pounding its eardrums. Cotton wool from the pillow, stuffed into the ears, had filtered some of the noise out. However, the vibrations on the glass from the banging were most disturbing and terribly irritating. It was no good, creature six had to concede defeat.

   ‘Whatt iss itt? Whatt doo youu wantt withh mee?’ it screamed.

   Creature seven pointed to its left, tapping madly on the glass trying make its neighbour follow its gesture. Through the layers of glass creature six, still sitting on the base of the jar, cast its eyes, squinting to make a clearer picture. ‘Ohh greatt! There’ss anotherr onee justt likee youu andd mee. Whichh meanss lesss foodd, youu stupidd idiott! Noww leavee mee alonee.’

   To say the last few days had been hard for this pathetic little creature was really a bit of an understatement. It was driven by food and drink - especially the drink, and was used to having regular meals in return for collecting teeth. Going without food was one thing, but not having the special juice from the grey bottle gave the creature acute withdrawal symptoms. There were the mood swings, the cold sweats, the shivers and of course the big thirst where it ached to have just one tiny drop. But at this moment in time it was the former symptom, mood swings, that was dominating the arena.

   ‘Sorryy, didn’tt meann too shoutt,’ it said, apologetically. ‘Justt havingg aa bitt off aa badd dayy!’

   The creature in glass seven was having a bit of a bad day too. Having been in the jar two days longer than creature six, it had already gone through the withdrawal symptoms from not having had regular juice. It was now just hungry and thirsty, but with the constant influx of new arrivals it seemed that the human child was forgetting that her other captives still needed to eat and drink.

   And then, creature eight had arrived. There was something about the new captive that stirred up memories in creature seven’s mind. It didn’t have thoughts like this before, yet now faces and ideas were darting around its brain like an FFP.

   What’s an FFP? it thought, determined to find out about it later. As its thoughts thinned and refined themselves over the last two days, it started to remember things. The first thing it remembered was that it was a Grublin-fairy! Then it started to remember faces. And today it started to remember who the creature in jar eight was. Then it had sighed as it remembered who creature six was too. It realised, as the only one of the three who probably remembered anything, that it would have to get the attention of both creature six and eight. Perhaps through them, it thought, there may be a way out of all this. Which is where the constant banging came in! But the creature in jar six was just being impossible and all his attempts to direct its attention to jar eight had been in vain.

   ‘Youu know herr,’ it screamed again. ‘Look againn.’ It banged on the glass with the empty grey bottle it had been using as a pillow. ‘Lookk you, stupid creature, lookk!’

   In jar six, the mood swing continued. ‘Whatt noww? Can’tt youu leavee mee inn peacee, huhh?’ Its occupant pulled up the green cloth over its face. ‘I’mm asleepp, can’tt youu seee?’

   Bang! Bang! Bang!

   ‘Okayy, okayy. II givee upp!’ Creature six threw the make-do bed cover on the floor of the jar and marched over to the left side. ‘I’lll havee aa lookk, youu patheticc idiott,’ it bellowed and then pushed its face up closely to the glass, taking in the distorted features of creature eight as best it could.

   In the jar next door but one creature eight was starting to come round and was stretching its arms and legs. After feeling around the base of the jar, it pushed against the glass sides for support as it took its first glimpse of its new surroundings.

   ‘Okayy, soo it’ss anotherr onee off uss,’ said creature six to itself. ‘Itss sortt off smalll, quitee skinnyy tooo.’

   Creature seven now started tapping and waving at creature eight who seemed more than a little startled at this sudden invasion of its senses.

   ‘Leavee thee poorr thingg alonee. Itss justt wokenn upp,’ screamed creature six. ‘Stupidd busybodyy.’

   But hey, what was this? The creature in jar eight was also now tapping frantically on its own jar.

   ‘It’ss aa diseasee!’ said creature six. ‘Probablyy caughtt itt fromm thee humanss.’

   Wisps of wiry red hair bounced around with each movement creature eight made. A strange smile appeared on its lips. Its eyes were suddenly alert and bright.

   Something stirred in creature six’s brain. Something fluttered across its heart. What was it? Who was it? It fell back hard onto the glass floor as the memories started to emerge, flitting in and out of its brain. But not being able to stay just yet, they disappeared as fast as they came. That hair, that dreadful hair. It held the key to all the memories.

   As the banging and jumping continued, creature six sat looking up at the jar lid for some kind of inspiration. ‘II knoww thiss creaturee, II knoww II doo!’

   Then, with a broad smile emblazoned on its face, creature six jumped to its feet, pushing its eyes and mouth against the coldness of the glass.

  It waved across to jar eight and called out, ‘Bugfacee, iss thatt youu?’


 

 

Chapters

1

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shayzzee wrote 981 days ago

This is so unique and I find that very refreshing! And so well written!! CUTE!! CUTE!!! I love how the fairies talk and their personalities! Great job!!

andyroo wrote 821 days ago

It's easy to see that this is from the pen of an accomplished writer. It may be a simple child's story, but the imaginativeness and inventiveness place it far higher than that. Creating languages that can be read by humans but are easily seen to be foreign is just genius. Using language in such a creative way is exactly what sparks the minds of adults and children alike.

Andrew

T.A. Northburg wrote 848 days ago

Brilliantly done! I am enjoying this great tale. You have a great first line to the story. The opening is intriguing and gets the senses flowing from the very start. You have a great flow of action that caught my attention and sucked me right in to the last word on the page.

I very much like your language. It is easy to read it if you just read it normally and not stop and pay attention to the extra letters. It atts a good element to the story without having to decypher a mysterious language. Although there were a few places you forgot to add the extra letters. "Over heree look att mee," should it be "Overr heree lookk att mee." and "You know her . . ." should it be "Youu knoww herr . . ." Make sure you do this with consistency if that is the effect you are going for.

I love this! My children would enjoy this book as well!

On my bookshelf!

adelapaz wrote 912 days ago

My daughter Mya said this book is awesome, cool, and fantastic. We got as far as chapter 3 (we took turns reading). I promised her we would finish reading what you had posted. Mya says this story belongs on my shelf and that I need to keep on there for awhile.

sarahg wrote 929 days ago

Wonderfully original. The grublins language is great, I think your target market will enjoy it. A great tale that flows well, had me flowing to the end of chapter 4. The fact that this is a series makes me itch to read the first one. (A creature of habit me - have to start properly at the beginning!) Shelved.

EJ Fechenda wrote 929 days ago

Very interesting. I've read through chapter three and you are introducing the main characters at the right pace. Arty is a complete turd and definitely up to no good. Chapter one is a great opener. You managed to get me to use all of my senses. I imagined the Grublin fairies to smell like bad cheese! It was very easy to picture the girl and her mother position themselves to make the capture.

This would be a very popular story with YA as it touches on themes relevent to that age group- bullying being the most prevalant so far. The Grublin dialogue is a bit distracting and I'm glad you provided an explanation at the beginning. There were several areas though where the double lettering wasn't consistent, so you'll want to check that.

Shelved.
EJ

jakuper wrote 933 days ago

It's so beautiful story - the wording is charming, dialogues are very good, characters are described in depth.
And all this with a light, almost funny kind of story-telling.
I feel like swimming in the river, closing eyes because sun reflects in the water and tries to penetrate my eyes, but instead of being grumpy, I feel pleasantly light. That's about how i feel reading your book. Does it make sence?

Stauna wrote 934 days ago

What an amazingly fun first chapter. I love the language of you Grublins and there is something just so original about this I can't help but read on. Up on my shelf. :o)
Stauna

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 934 days ago

My daughters would have loved this and the potential is huge. The fact that a series is on the way should make this very tempting indeed. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

J M Dalhousie wrote 934 days ago

Great fun! I showed the first few pages to my nine year old, and had to prise her off my Mac. I've had to promise to let her read the rest later. Shelved.
JMD
The Alchemist's Heir

John Booth wrote 934 days ago

Hi Debra,
Your story made me smile. On my shelf.

I think that you should revist your use of the word 'creature' when the fairies are trying to talk to each other in the jars. It's hardly a word they would use to describe themselves is it? (or is it?) I kept wondering why the first ones captured hadn't recovered from the the potion first. Why number six and not number one?

I also think you need some vowels in the fairy 'speech' in chapter 2. Have a thought for the poor parents reading this to their kids at night.

Chapter 3 is the best of the chapters I read because it shows simple meaness and has lots of decription of the fairy high school. Lots of things for the reader to relate to. I think you should try and infuse 1 and 2 with stronger emotions, the girl and her mum, the captured fairies.

The other thing I would do if I was writting this was reduce or remove the 'tell' about the kinds of fairy and their lives. Let it come out of the story when it needs to,

Hope that helps

John

pattimari wrote 935 days ago

I just finished reading chapter one and found it a bit stiff, perhaps if you have it flowing better I'd be more into it right away, however having said that, as I read on, I noticed you did relax more with the writing and it flowed better. I think it is the beginning half page that threw me. Perhaps if you could lighten it a bit, it would be easier to read. Most people today like to get right into it.
You have excellent dialogue. You also show good imagery as a reader gets closer to the middle of the chapter.

Debra J Edwards wrote 935 days ago

Thank you for the comment, Valentina. I am so pleased you enjoyed it.

Valentina wrote 935 days ago

OMG i love this, it's brilliant! Kids are going to go crazy over this story! The whole opening is so intriguing and the idea of the little creature under her pillow, and collecting them in jars is excellent. I love the whole plot idea and i was really drawn in. Your narrative voice was clear and the stroy flowed well for me, i wasn't halted by anything.

Definitely backing...all the best of luck! x

Karin Rita Gastreich wrote 937 days ago

Hi Debra,

Here I am, reporting for our swap. Sorry it's taken me a while to get to your story. You have a great premise here and very colorful, engaging writing.

A few comments/suggestions:

You start ch 1 with a very distant pov. I think it would be more interesting for the reader to go straight & deep into Maddie's pov.

>> As the string moved...

During moments of action, I'd suggest shorter, more clipped sentences. It helps the reader feel the pace of the moment.

>> It was only a question from her mother...

I found the wording of this sentence a little awkward.

>> ...that was dominateing the arena -- could be just "that dominated"

>> What's an FFP?

This paragraph ran on a bit too long for me; I started drifting off as a reader. In general, I felt the sequence where the fairies are trying to recognize each other dragged on a bit too long.

All these quibbles aside, I love the voice & premise of your story! I'm going to shelve it - and I wish you the best of luck!

Karin
("Eolyn")

matthew chuzzlewit wrote 938 days ago

Hi Debra, I have read your first two chapters and found them absolutely enchanting. There is so obviously a well thought through back story here , which I look forward to seeing emerge through the book. You have really conjured up the different creatures for the reader, and I really liked the way the grublinfairy dialogue was handled, and the well considered details such as the juice dependency you've set up! Happy to shelve this, good luck with it.

divilthebit wrote 938 days ago

A ha! A sister in arms. This is wonderful... flumping especially. You have immediatley set up the scene and drawn me in. Us fairy champions have gotta stick together, looking forward to reading more, but backed for now! All the best, Michael

JANVIER wrote 938 days ago

Hello Debra,

I have read two chapters so far and they gave an idea of the quality of this story.Aggie's world is beautifully captured. The story flows smoothly, with concise dialogue, effective narratives, a captivating setting and true-to-life characterizations.

From the synopsis and the sample chapters read, it is easy to see the unfolding of a clever plot. Overall, this is an accomplished story in its genre. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (flash of the Sun)

Lerajric wrote 939 days ago

This is an absolutely charming story and I think without a doubt we need children all over the country (or world) to be introduced to Grublins and Pilp Collectors. Beautifully written story which draws you in to a wondrous tale of pure fantasy and delight. Got to shelf this to help you on your way. Take care Jon

S. Park wrote 940 days ago

This is a very charming story. And pretty original too, which is always a lovely surprise!

R E Parker wrote 940 days ago

Hi Debra,
Wow, what an idea. It oozes children fiction and I think every child reading this would love it, I certainly did!
Just a few times, in the first chapter, I noticed a change in the way Maddy was spelt and a few missing capital letters on Mum, but other than that, it was great.
On my watch list
Best Wishes
Bec (Cariad)

Amerynthe wrote 940 days ago

Hi Debra

This is a lovely tale, well-told, and I'm sure it will go down a storm with children of all ages (any reference to snot usually guarantees a place in a child's heart!) My only citicism/nit-pick is the Grublin-Fairy speak in some places, and this can easily be remedied if you read it aloud to yourself. You seem to have mainly just doubled up on the final letter of the word, but that doesn't always work. For instance, 'ohh mightyy onee' would make it sound like an extra syllable on one (wunny), when I think you're simply aiming for a drawn-out sound.

That aside, this is really delightful and I can think of quite a few children who would love to hear it, so up on my shelf it goes for a spin!

Best of luck
Amerynthe
The Living and The Dead

mn73 wrote 941 days ago

Delightful and endearing in equal measures, this story will appeal to children of all ages (up to 36 at least!) with its abundance of charm. I love the phrase 'pilp collector' - did you make this up yourself, it's great. The characters, they way they speak, their names and the fantasy world you have created are just lovely. I found some of the words hard to pronounce, particularly boznpsf, but I think I can let that pass! Oodles of fun... and then some. Shelved.

Tammy Snyder wrote 941 days ago

I think this is just adorable!!! Having worked in a school, I know the kids would LOVE this story. It would be great for a teacher to read out loud! I loved how your first paragraph grabs hold of you and you are in for the ride thereafter!! Your characterization is perfect and your dialogue smooth. I would take out the doubling of letters though. Just tell the reader how the character sounds. It's very dizzying on the page to read that. Shelved! Hope you get it published!!!
Tammy
The Chimney Still Stands

ErinMarion wrote 942 days ago

This is very cute. Thanks for inviting me to have a read! For some reason it's not really catching me right now - maybe a preponderance of adjectives, or maybe I'm just not feeling up to a kids book right now. I'd suggest, as somebody mentions below, that a clearer description of what the g's voices actually sound like is definitely in order, since the spelling itself doesn't really tell the reader (and it could well be an out-loud reader) what sort of voice to think of. All the best to you, and good luck on here!

soutexmex wrote 942 days ago

I'm normally not into this type of writing, but I see why the MC sticks out. Shelving you. If you have not read/commented (possibly backed/shelved my book yet) please take a moment out and let me know what you think of my efforts.
Cheers!
JC

FaithB wrote 943 days ago

Hi Debra - I can see that this is a subject which would really appeal to younger readers - it's good fun, involves smells and is smoothly written. I'm just wondering how you anticipate the speech of the Grublins being interpreted - it's nigh on impossible to pronounce in places if you try to read it out loud!

The image of the rag and cotton wool bed provided in the jar is marvellous. In fact, this book is a prime candidate for some Quentin Blake style illustrations. I can see Grublins on lunch boxes even now!

cara_ruegg wrote 944 days ago

brillantly written. i love the dialouge too and how you add all those extra words and sound out how the character is pronouncing the words. love it!
-Cara

TD wrote 944 days ago

very easy reading!
Best of luck
Trish
What happens when you hit the bit three ooooohhhhh

JD Revene wrote 944 days ago

Debra,

This was recommended to me by the lovely Shubie, and as she has impeccalbe taste, I've come forthwith.

The short pitch is intriuging and full of wonderful new words and sounds. The cover looks well judged for young children, I have a daughter who I think would have loved that cover when she was younger (actually she probably still would).

The long pitch is equally engaging, though it might be easier to read if you split it into a few shorter paragraphs. There's also a minor typo, you have: Aggie Lichen[]was no ordinary girl, with no space between Lichen and was. There are also quite a few "but"s in the pitch, you could probably edit one or two out.

Now's probably a good time to explain I type notes whilst I read, to post into the comments box at the end, the down side is that I tend to focus on nit-picks on the way through, but I do summarise at the end, and focus on what I like.

Right, into chapter one. And guess what? After warning of a tendency to nit-pick, I've read through this chapter without taking a single note.

And the second and third too; three chapters and not a significant nit to pick. In young adult or children's books I usually look for:

1 an X factor to attract kids attention away from the PlayStation;
2 age appropriate language;
3 educational value, a moral or some insight; and
4 particuarly for children's book, something for the adults who buy the books and often read them to their kids

You've marked both children's book and YA, and I'm not sure the age you're pitching at. Seems to me the language would be appropriate for kids not long reading alone.

This has wonderful language, including all your made up words, that I'm sure would both appeal to children and keep the parents amused.

It's too early to be sure, but from what I've read and your pitch it seems likely the Pilp Collector presents a positive message about working together, whilst amusing readers.

A modern day fairy tale, with a wonderful approach to language I can see this being very succesful. My kids are too old for this but I have cousins with younger children who I think would very much enjoy it.

Shelved.

Chris Thom wrote 945 days ago

Debra

I was looking forward to reading this as I've found myself, since being on Authonomy, captured by Fantasy tales/books. I love the decriptions, especially of the Grublins

This is so captivating from very early on. I read through several chapters with ease - wonderful

Only one comment, I think some of the parapraphs need looking over as there was, I feel, a few unnecessary words, but it appears only in the first few paragraphs, the rest is flawless. IMHO.. But overall it's well written even reading your story as taught me a few things.

I'm giving this a little time on my, 'long wooden shelf!'

Regards
Chris Thom
Working to Motherhood
Look forward to your return review

Rikki Stancich wrote 945 days ago

Wonderful, revolting, love the imagery.. The play on tooth fairies is great fun, though I'm slightly worried that you may totally freak kids out about ever losing another tooth!

Good luck with this - its going on my shelf.

Rikki

maryinflorida wrote 946 days ago

Debra,
I enjoyed your sweet little story, although I must admit that decades have gone by since the last time I read something like this. Very clever use of a familiar myth, readily identifiable by nearly everyone. Your Grublin-faeries roused guilt in my heart for every firefly I ever caught as a child. The kids will cheer at the faerie-speak spelling, especially "butt." And, because I live near the land of the MOUSE in Florida, I laughed at Maddie's goal of going to Disneyland Paris.

I do have one problem, and that's my pet peeve. Perhaps you'll disagree - yours to choose.
The great, undefined "it" has no room on the written page in my opinion. As used in several sentences at the very beginning of Chapter One, "it" waters down the action. Rephrase to remove "it" and the verbs are stronger. Obviously, we all use the phrase in speech, so I fault no one for using it in dialog. And I catch myself writing it occasionally, then fuss aloud as I rewrite.
Best wishes for success. I'll put this on my shelf momentarily.
Mary

KinDallas wrote 946 days ago

Hi Debra,

This is an adorable premise and has a lot of promise. There are some technical things to be mindful of (punctuation errors, first sentence - two dashes to offset, or two comma -- for example) and keep the dialog moving forward (it wandered a little in the fairies thoughts) because young readers tune out fast.

With a hard edit, this has the possibility of greatness. Shelved based on creativity and fun!

Kendra
Switch

Dania wrote 946 days ago

So this is where the tooth fairies have gone, been wondering all these years ;-)

You've created a very nice world and I'd love to read this outloud to a child because the tone is so cute.

Wish I had helpful comments to offer but because I'm not familiar with this genre and because I had a smile on my face the entire time I was reading it, all I can do is shelve it and wish you the best.

Dania (The It! Refugee)

pattimari wrote 947 days ago

You have a unique storyline and have written it well; using visualizations. I've only read the first chapter but I plan on reading more.

Roe wrote 947 days ago

An original idea, well executed. The title is a bit of a mouthful but love the idea of catching those tooth fairies. If your target reader is children then it might be a good idea to break up the blocks of text a bit. Makes for easier reading.

Not sure if boys would go for it, but girls will love it. Happy to back this and good luck

Krista Darrach wrote 947 days ago

Aggie LIchen-
Debra-
This is adorable. I know so many kids who would love this.
Your style is smooth and Aggie is relatable.
Very very cute.
Shelved.
~Krista Darrach
-Riley's Gift (I'd love your opinion of my YA novel)

Giulietta Maria wrote 948 days ago

I love the fact that the mom is on on the tooth fairy capture! I was sure the little girl would call her mom, only to be soothed against nightmares. This was a good twist! It is a fun read. I would watch out for the dashes- some of your sentences could be made into two, rather than one long one with a dash (like this one). Also, I like how the fairies rhyme, but the double letters started to annoy me after a bit ... could just be a personal thing, though. Finally, your long description on the book profile is good, but one long paragraph. You could split that up to be more 'reader friendly'. I backed this!

John Harold McCoy wrote 948 days ago

Ah... this is really cute. I don't know what kids like but if I were a kid I think I'd love it. What a funny idea - catching tooth fairies. Totally out of my area of expertise (as if I had an area of expertise), but I think I’ll back it just for the hell of it. I’m a grown up and I think it’s great. Best of luck with it.

Paolito wrote 948 days ago

Aggie...

I have absolutely no hesitation in shelving this. The writing is great, the characters are real, and the creatures are fun. I think you have a winner here.

Go easy on the adverbs, too, but that´s all.

Cheers,
Sheryl

Paolito wrote 948 days ago

Aggie...

Actually, I have no problem with the absence of anything special to explain your world...I like the way you´ve done it, gradually by weaving in the information in the middle of action and dialogue scenes.

I adore your opening and was worried that Aggie and her mom wouldn´t catch ten in total and would never get to Disneyland Paris.

Only one nit...exclamation marks have gone out of favour in adult fiction, even for imperatives. However, I just picked up my copy of one of the Harry Potters and did find the occasional exclamation mark. Nonetheless, I´d go easy on them.

Reading on....

Kenneth Rogers Jr. wrote 948 days ago

One thing I've noticed, and one that many who write fantasy and sci-fi have been making is that they have created the world we are reading on the page completely in their mind, with no limits to the boundaries of their Fantasia, but they have not explained this world completely to their reader. This, unfortunately, is what you have done. You have begun to paint on an endless canvass that needs a frame to focus the attention of the viewer. Fortunately, this is easy to remedy.

The best way to fix the situation is to provide an opening chapter to describe the characters, species, and creatures of the world you have made. It lets the people know what to expect rather than try and figure out each new creature on their own and were they fit in the human world, if at all. Sort like the way Bilbo did at the beginning of Lord of the Rings to describe the hobbits and how they fit in with the world of humans.

You could also provide a narrator to add tangent explanations of what creatures and why they behave in a certain way. This would be good to describe the sprites.

With all that said, I enjoy the story. It makes the reader want more, but without the structure it adds too much confusion. You have a very creative imagination, and I love the characters, just give us a little more. In the mean time shelved for creativity and funny smells.

Later days,
Kenny

Kim Jewell wrote 949 days ago

Hi Debra-

This is a charming little tale - filled with everything girls of all ages will like! Your descriptions are wonderful, and your opening really drew me in to want to read more. Maddy is a sweet character!

Nothing to nit with your writing - it flows well, and the story line is fresh and novel. The only thing I might suggest is for your intro... If you plan on using your long intro for promotional purposes, I would suggest breaking it into multiple paragraphs - bite sized chunks, if you will... The audience you are writing for tend to get overwhelmed with lengthy paragraphs. Take it for what it's worth. Other than that, this is wonderful. I'm happy to back it!

Kim

Shinzy wrote 951 days ago

Hi Debra,

Nice opening. It grabbed my attention and made me want to find out exactly what was to follow. Maddy collecting tooth fairies and her mother helping. Brillaint money making scheme. Liked the little history of the Grublin-fairies.

Chap 2 moves at a great pace and introduces more characters. Great use of dialogue, very believable. Again Chap 3 moves along swiftly. Loved the interaction between bugface Myrtle and thingy Aggie in chap 4. It made me laugh. Loved the ending: Who’ss Fredd?

So far, this is a wonderful story that kids will love. You’ve created a realistic world in Pilpsville and likable and interesting characters. Very well written.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

DMC wrote 953 days ago

Great style, easy to follow prose, solid voice, interesting characters and an engaging, orignal story - what's not to like about this.

Backed with my best wishes,
David
Green Ore

Debra J Edwards wrote 980 days ago

Hi Debra,

Welcome to authonomy! Thought I'd pop over and have a read of your manuscript...always like reading young adult pieces to see the type of stuff my own kids are reading!

And delighted I am! What a great idea...catching the pilp fairy...oh, I hope my kids don't start doing that! And adorable how their voice sounds from inside the jar. I can totally hear it. You write so that I feel like a fly on the wall..er, ah...a toothfairy in a jar...

You'll do well here! Shelved.

Johanna
Scream Out Loud



Johanna, thank you for the welcome and lovely comments. I thought I'd come up with a unique, original storyline. Unfortunately although others see that, the publishers don't, which is really frustrating. But I shall persevere as always and hope that my patience wins through.

Best wishes, Debra

balkowski wrote 980 days ago

Hi Debra,

Welcome to authonomy! Thought I'd pop over and have a read of your manuscript...always like reading young adult pieces to see the type of stuff my own kids are reading!

And delighted I am! What a great idea...catching the pilp fairy...oh, I hope my kids don't start doing that! And adorable how their voice sounds from inside the jar. I can totally hear it. You write so that I feel like a fly on the wall..er, ah...a toothfairy in a jar...

You'll do well here! Shelved.

Johanna
Scream Out Loud

Debra J Edwards wrote 980 days ago

At first I thougth this was just another toothfairy story. I was pleasantly surprised. I like the thought you put into the fairy community. Grublins stink...I wondered what the smell was in the kids room.



Thank you - I'm glad you liked it!

Ayrich wrote 980 days ago

At first I thougth this was just another toothfairy story. I was pleasantly surprised. I like the thought you put into the fairy community. Grublins stink...I wondered what the smell was in the kids room.

Debra J Edwards wrote 981 days ago

This is so unique and I find that very refreshing! And so well written!! CUTE!! CUTE!!! I love how the fairies talk and their personalities! Great job!!



Thank you for your lovely comment! It makes it so worthwhile when nice people say nice things.
Have a great day!

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