The Spirit of Nagasaki

Alan
Intriguing premise, sir. And a very well written pitch.
If I were in a bookshop I’d already be close to buying this.
And what a great voce you have in your prose. This is so well written.
By the end of Ch1 I’d be standing in the queue with my money ready, and by the end of Ch3, I’d be thinking about returning to the shop to buy another copy for a friend who would also love this.
I’m going to read all of this while its still here. Please give me a nudge when you get it published.
Already backed with my best wishes
David
Green Ore

Hello Alan,

This is a must read. You had me going so that I had to stop myself after the third chapter to scribble down my opinion on this story. All I have to say is that it is brilliant , intriguing and very debatable, yet hilarious and insightful. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Chapter 1:

Right from the start - I can tell that you can write well. Densely packed prose which imparts information re: settings and characterizations as a natural part of the storytelling - something very hard to achieve, and you seem to achieve it effortlessly.

The 'foot and mouth' era described 'like something medieval and unreal' works well.

The rest of the chapter is so evocative and horrifying, I stopped jotting notes. Your non-intrusive voice is maintained whether describing topography, people, or a horrible death scene: you don't lose control during the descriptions of death and mayhem. Enthralled.

Chapter 2
The introduction to Jon and Rebekah. Near perfect. What about getting rid of "a cliche perhaps"? It gives the impression that you couldn't think of a better line, and "a woman badly needing a holiday" works fine, in the context. The last couple of paragraphs: wonderful - so much interesting background.
One thing I'm beginning to worry about - are there going to be touches of dialogue in this? Most mainstream novels nowadays are jam-packed with dialogue - usually feeble dialogue at that - but a little bit of it mixes things up nicely in a work such as yours.

Chapter 3:
Ahh, the dialogue arrives - perfect timing. Well done.
Great mini-climax to the early part of the book. Nice cliffhanger ending to the chapter.

You know what? I'd buy this - I'd be happy to keep on reading it. It has an independent, regal quality to it, that makes it sparkle like a jewel in the slushpile. This truly is 'thriller' that also works as 'literary fiction'. Shelved.

A fascinating subject with a bone-chilling opening. By the fourth chapter I was already trying to guess what had gone wrong in their idyllic new utopia. My only thought is I would have liked to see some dialogue in the first chapter instead of so much narrative. I think it would help punctuate the contrast between the living and the dead. Shelved.

Sessha (Shinobi)

This is a rather freaky and haunting read, I must say! Religion, especially cults, freak me out a little bit, and we know that Dan Brown has been also rather successful in penning his thoughts about them. I kept reading because I wanted to what happened next, and that is a trademark of a good book. What I do think lets the team down a bit is your formatting and grammar. Some sentences required a repeated read to adapt to missing commas or clunky arrangement, and massive blocks of text made it a little hard to keep track of where I was when I had to re-read. A few simple edits should see to these errors, though, and they certainly shouldnt detract from what is a good book on an interesting subject.

Andrew

Poppet said to back you in today's forum thread and because I trust her opinion, I did. SHELVED.

If you get a chance, I could use your constructive comments on my book which can always be bettered.

JC
The Obergemau File

Shelved. This is real. shocking and brilliant.
You´ve got to the mad heart of organised religion!
This is how 3 million ´´witches´´ got burned alive!
Great 1st ch. Son watches dad watches horror.
Ch 17, Equally harrowing!

Suggestions.
Okay Joe Sweeney´s on the job. Any chance of
a social response that resists such mass hysteria?

Wishing you all the best with this.........Mikey (The Free)

Great pitch Al. The sort that would make me want to buy it straight away if browsing in the bookshop. Doesn't let you down either, this is top quality writing. Exciting, a bit scary and thrilling!!!! I will rea don but you are going right on the shelf right now fella. Well done and good luck!
Simon

Thrilling, graphic, exciting, scary and sad.

Beautifully written, too hard to put down
Shelved.

Oh Alan can you write. I don't know what to say except that I sit here with my mouth open thinking oh my God. My hat is off to you. All the best. Shelved. C.P

Great opening-- you write smoothly and pull the reader right into the action. The description is also specific and evocative. I'm definitely coming back to read more.

This is very well written. It immediately grabs the reader's attention. The smoke, the mystery of what is happening, the farmer and his son driving to see if they can help, Breaking into the enormous blazing barn and finding the ocupants alight and burning. At that stage however my credibility was tested when a foetus still alive bursts from a woman's flaming body and has expression before liquifying! Up until that unbelievable moment I wanted to back this book for the clarity of the writing alone. Maybe if I read on all would have been explained.

Warning: DO NOT read the first chapter if you are eating anything. Alan—you have an impressive ability to create a scene. A very graphic, disturbing scene. This was just WOW. Shelved.

Amanda

Hi there, that is a pretty full on first chapter and the scene of the pregnant woman made me feel utterly vile (your intention, i think). I also think the premise is a very interesting, though an ambitious one. for me the biggest drawback at the moment is the narrative style you've chosen - where the reader is being told all the information rather than being shown. For example, we are told that Ely tells Danny to phone 999, why just not have the speech, which would give immediacy to the scene and draw the reader in. Though the scene is well described and vivid, i do think the explaining holds it back, and would prefer a moment by moment scene. In terms of how it looks on the page - lots of blocks of text can be off putting to the reader, whereas dialogue exchanges break things up and also gives us the voices of the characters (rather than inner thoughts). I am sure i am at odds with other reviewers (tis often the case), but i do hope my comments are of some use, and if you doing any editing along the lines i suggest, i would love to come and read again. good luck.
ju-ju
Xy: A World Without Men

"billowing clouds of greyness" - it imagery like this that makes me stop and stare :) beautiful
"flames licked at the woman" - terrifying imagery but brillantly written
"smoke-shrouded countryside" - nice again

you are obviously a brillant brillant talented writer. course ill shelve this

-Cara

I'd simplify your opening line and use action verbs. "became aware" feels soft to me. You don't need to repeat stare. Use more than "sight".

Ely saw the smoke first. It made him stop weeding and stare north as the smell of ash approached.

Overall however, I was intrigued by your idea and the fact that you get right to the story - bodies in the first chapter - kudos. Long sentence to conclude - you might want to pick the right punch for an ending that gets the reader to turn the page by combining the last three sentences. You have motorists/rubberneckers (sort of the same concept so it felt like a repeat) -- I wouldn't end on an adverb.

Good luck with this.

This is a well written, powerful and descriptive style with a good eye for detail. The scene in the burning barn is riveting and really holds the readers attention.
I skipped to ch8: I felt that the two paragraphs could have been split into several with detracting form their statement whilst making it easier for the reader to assimilate.

I am not sure if this would appeal to a huge readership but I am happy to back it for its quality.

Tony

Alan,

Bennetts has said it all about the poetry of your writing, its magnificence, its grandeur. What can I do other than back it? Plot, yes; characterisation, yes; setting, yes; but above all, this phenomenally mature voice. Nine chapters in, and it remains consistent.

Only one thing I'd even dream of suggesting that you consider changing. If the new religion is supposed to be based on the teachings of Jesus (or is being presented as such - even if it later turns out to be a monumental scam), then for the sake of theological consistency you can't call Rebecka a Goddess. Priestess, maybe, or even High Priestess, but not Goddess. Monotheism is so central a tenet of the Judaeo-Christian tradition, that if she calls herself a Goddess, she loses any credibility as a follower of Jesus before she's even started - and she's handed the media pundits a massive story about her status and her view of herself, which would take all their attention away from her intended message.

A minor point in the grand scheme of things. A marvellous piece of writing. Onto the shelf.

Hi Alan!

You've definitely got a very powerful, descriptive writing style. Not my normal stuff, but I can see you're a great story teller. For that, this will go on my shelf! Best of luck to you.

Kim
Invisible Justice

HI Alan,

I found your first chapter incredibly powerful. Had to keep reading. Then ch2 slows down some but maintains that tight, well drawn narrative that paints such a good image. Was just thinking you need to add dialogue when I clicked over to ch3. This is an intriguing premise in a well-written book.

Work on your pitch (break it up into more paragraphs and tell only the high points of the story) to make it more inviting and they will come. Backed with pleasure. ~Barb (Whispers through the Aspens)

Hi Alan

Good pitch and premise for a story. On that basis happy to shelve it.

You might want to reconsider using he/she occasionally instead of the characters name so much. You use Ely 2, 3 sometimes 4 times in a paragraph, and it gets rather repetitive.

Overall, backed.

Cheers
Bill

Hi Alan,
Apparently to start a book with the full name of the character is bad. Just saying. I dont give a fig, but if youre in front of ed's that may be sticklers and they have 30 more MSs on their pile for that day....
Having said that - which I wont take out because who know, it may be relevant - This is really excellent. Maybe all the more reason to look at that. Superb scene setting, good knowledge, expertly written and captivating. You've really got something here and I will come back and read more. For now, shelved on sheer merit. You should be further up the ranks Alan - maybe a little push in the forum? all the best MAT

Alan
Intriguing premise, sir. And a very well written pitch.
If I were in a bookshop I’d already be close to buying this.
And what a great voce you have in your prose. This is so well written.
By the end of Ch1 I’d be standing in the queue with my money ready, and by the end of Ch3, I’d be thinking about returning to the shop to buy another copy for a friend who would also love this.
I’m going to read all of this while its still here. Please give me a nudge when you get it published.
Already backed with my best wishes
David
Green Ore

This is great and exciting. Drift in the wind or on the wind? Besides that like most people have noted under here, this is a good story. The one thing I would recommend then again thats me, is there is almost no dialogue at all. It is all tell. If you could sometimes switch to the character's POV instead of the narrator's, this would be an even greater piece.

Fantastic stuff. A great read. Backed!

Whoa! Agonizingly vivid first chapter. i almost wanted to retch myself. I was doing fine until the pregnant woman scene. Anyway, nothing at all wrong with your writing. In fact it's written so well and drew out such piercing emotions that I couldn't tear my eyes away from my computer screen. Up on my shelf for a bit.
Stauna

Good pitch, engaging opening. Going to shelve and read more.

Cheers
Bill

The Spirit of Nagasaki

Hi Alan, A truly great pitch, probably one of the best I have read on this site, very slick and professional. And the writing lives up to the pitch, what an excellent piece of carefully constructed fiction, I like the flashback format, the characters are well drawn and the writing delivers a powerful compelling kick, great stuff, on the shelf - Andrew W.

Alan,

Thank you for backing Appetites yesterday. I'm here to return your read.

The short pitch is succinct, perhaps too much so? The long pitch could benefit from being broken into shorter paragraphs to aid reability. I'd also move the section on Joe Sweeny up, placing it before the description of the work's mechanics.

As you see, I'm prone to making suggestions. Please ignore anything that doesn't work for you. I can't help myself.

The first paragraph opens with action that, as a reader I find engaging. As a writer I'm distracted by the point of the view, taking a moment to realise that it is omnicscient third-person and we can "see" from both Ely and Danny's point of view. There's nothing wrong with this approach, though it tends not to bring the reader as close a limited third-person view (where PoV is limited to one character at a time) but you do need to be careful not to head-hop indiscriminantly. You might consider mainting point-of-view at least paragraph by paragraph.

This would see your first paragraph split into four:

--in the first Ely would notice the fire;
--in the second Danny would notice it and look to his father for reaction;
--in the third Ely would react; and
--in the fourth the son would react.

This would result in short, sharp paragraphs that might also add tension to the scene. Whether or not it would be sustainable though, I don't know. I should mention I type my notes as I read, only pasting them into the comments box, when I've finished.

Another thing that's distracting me now is trying to work out where this is set. The title led me to expect it would be in Japan. The pitch was silent (thought Joe's title of special investigator made me think that perhaps he was American). Then as I start to read I'm convinced it's not Japan, talk of trucks makes me again think America, but then they dial 999 for emergency services. So is it in the UK?

There's a very long paragraph beginning "Insider charred remains littered the floor." There's some striking imagery here, which has the ability to affect--and engage--readers, but I think shorter pargraphs, would emphasise this.

Into the second chapter and I'm noticing more and more long sentences (the first chapter ended with one that was very long). One of these doesn't quite work for me:

"A lifestyle Jon, despite his proclivities, could never hope to fully understand, why she kept at it or what it meant to her."

I feel words are missing; the punctuation's not quite rights; and that, in any event, it could be two sentences. I'd recast it as:

"A lifestyle Jon, despite his proclivities, could never hope to fully understand. He didn't know why she kept at it or what it meant to her."

But there are any number of alternatives. I do think, though, that something has to be done.

Viewpoint in this chapter, all Jon's, is better controlled. However, I'm not clear on how this chapter connects to the first.

In chapter three we see dialogue for the first time (I'd like to see it earlier, I think there's opportunity in chapter one). When I read it aloud it seems a little stiff, in Rebecka's case, as she is in a visionary state, I think this works, but making Jon's language more natural would provide contrast. Taking just the first exchange, you have:

"What is it, what do you see? The question was asked in the voice of a lover. Rebecka responded with a low whisper.

"There, before the base of the cliff." A finger pointed. "Can you make it out? See what those stones look like."

An alternative would be:

"What? What is it? he asked.

"There, before the base of the cliff." Rebecka whispered "Can you make it out?" She pointed. "See what those stones look like."

This uses more natural language for Jon, minimises characterisation of that dialogue (which comes from the words) and makes sure that Rebekah's actions--whispering--are attached to her words, not Jon's.

The chapter ends on a note that encourages the reader to read on.

I see an intriguing premise here and potentil for a good story, I'm not sure you've fully developed it yet. There's some great description here--that barn will stay with me for a while--and Rebecka's vision was well executed.

My humble view, and I'm no expert, is that this does require further work, but I'm shelving on the basis of the evident potential.

The spirit of Nagasaki--
Alan,
Holy cow. This is some mad writing skills you have. You start off this thing with a bang now don't you?
Although I will admit, this isn't my favorite genre to read....I was engaged and you certainly held my attention, be it rather shockingly. Great writing, hard to nit pick when you're so enthralled.
Shelved.
~Krista Darrach
-Riley's Gift.

Hi Alan,

I'm here for my recip read, First off, after reading your first chapter, I can see why you said my opening wasn't explosive - compared to that horror scene in the barn, my beginning is downright dull. Honestly, while I can appreciate how well-written this is, I couldn't get past that event and read on - especially after that one visual (I'm sure you can guess which one). But I am shelving you based on what I read up to that point.

Best of luck with this.

~Traci

Alan,

I just read three chaptersa and it reads fast, good dialogue, characters and excellent chapter endings, especially the third; the reader definitely wants to turn to chapter four to see what Rebecka is going to do. The story reads like reality, which the best writing always does. I put it on my shelf and wish you the best of luck in your future literary career.

Peace,

Keith G.

Alan
This is so different from Wallfloweresque. But I like your 'serious side' too and found this a compelling read. Good luck and backed.
M

Dear Alan,
'The Ghost Of Hiroshima'... sorry I mean 'The Spirit Of Nagasaki' (SON) is a great warning story about evil done in God's name, which offers a thorough analysis of the processes and mechanisms regarding a real plague of the modern times: 'religious' sects.
You nearly lost me in Chapter One. I easily get bored with action. And any signs of violence, cruelty, massive deaths and the like, either in a book or in a movie (with all the special effects) - simply lull me to sleep. So when I was reading about the foetus flopping disgustingly from the melting flesh of his mother's belly in the burning barn, I had to fight against the urge to doze off. Fortunately, I managed to stay alert to enjoy the rest of Your upload.
Chapter one is followed by eight 'Jons' in which we learn about the possible 'guru' initiation scenario, which always starts with a brain hyperactivity caused by some mental disturbance. In case of 'Goddess' Rebecka ('a woman of woman born', a new 'Messiahess', 'she WHO had the vision') it must have been an epileptic fit.
Poor Jon leaves Susan to witness his beloved admiring Douglas ('WHAT had the power').
In Chapter Two we encounter Special Investigator Joe Sweeney, always dealing with unusual incidents, incl. those within his own family (fights with wife Lillian and pregnancy of his seventeen-year-old daughter Sarah), and the layout of the book is all clear now.
Six 'Bree & Joshes' (with intriguing numeral IIV) present further details of the recruitment procedures, incl. an example of Rebecka's series of corrective symposia, where her prospective followers, some of whom may then qualify for staying in 'Newtopia' as disciples, hear what everybody wants to hear.
Times are hard and many people, especially youngsters, disillusioned with reality, seek for some alternative solutions. Unfortunately, most of them reach outside, while all the answers are deep in everyone of us. Outside, the seekers can become victims of some wacky visionaries, or worse, those doing evil in God's name on purpose, WHAT had the power.
I understand, in the further course of the book the reader gets to know more future victims of the sect and more details of Joe's investigation, to find out finally who the unfortunate mother in the burnt barn was (Joanne, Bree, someone from the other chapters or... Rebecka?), who was the father, and who nailed the barn door. I'm sure Stoker will be very helpful.
Interesting subject matter. Superb writing. Shelved.
Cheers
Marek

Hello Alan,

This is a must read. You had me going so that I had to stop myself after the third chapter to scribble down my opinion on this story. All I have to say is that it is brilliant , intriguing and very debatable, yet hilarious and insightful. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Your writing is excellent - I can't find fault with anything, though I'm sure there is always room to cut words out if you want. This is a compelling opening chapter summed up perfectly by the salivating of sheepdogs at burning flesh at the end. Best of luck with Nagasaki Spirit, it's on my shelf.

Chapter 1:

Right from the start - I can tell that you can write well. Densely packed prose which imparts information re: settings and characterizations as a natural part of the storytelling - something very hard to achieve, and you seem to achieve it effortlessly.

The 'foot and mouth' era described 'like something medieval and unreal' works well.

The rest of the chapter is so evocative and horrifying, I stopped jotting notes. Your non-intrusive voice is maintained whether describing topography, people, or a horrible death scene: you don't lose control during the descriptions of death and mayhem. Enthralled.

Chapter 2
The introduction to Jon and Rebekah. Near perfect. What about getting rid of "a cliche perhaps"? It gives the impression that you couldn't think of a better line, and "a woman badly needing a holiday" works fine, in the context. The last couple of paragraphs: wonderful - so much interesting background.
One thing I'm beginning to worry about - are there going to be touches of dialogue in this? Most mainstream novels nowadays are jam-packed with dialogue - usually feeble dialogue at that - but a little bit of it mixes things up nicely in a work such as yours.

Chapter 3:
Ahh, the dialogue arrives - perfect timing. Well done.
Great mini-climax to the early part of the book. Nice cliffhanger ending to the chapter.

You know what? I'd buy this - I'd be happy to keep on reading it. It has an independent, regal quality to it, that makes it sparkle like a jewel in the slushpile. This truly is 'thriller' that also works as 'literary fiction'. Shelved.

Alan, this is really powerful. That opening chapter should come with a warning. Your descriptions are just amazing, and your writing is excellent. Not many "new" authors can pull off something like that. (nor seasoned ones for that matter) You're opening a big and important debate. This is for sure something I would read, and I wish you the best of luck with it.

This is a powerful story, Alan, with an incredible premise. You open in a gripping episode with Danny and Ely and we then get into the story with Jon and Rebecka in chapters 2 and 3. It's compulsive reading and I want to continue. I liked your quote from Ron Hubbard at the start of Ch 2; it gives an interesting insight into the potential draw that cults may exercise. I'm backing this with pleasure and will definitely be back for more. Good luck - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

Hi Alan,

Wow, what an opening. The descriptions of the burning barn and the corpses were so vivid it felt real. I loved the thought-provoking subject matter; while it’s terrifying, it’s also important.

Chap 3.

“Do you really believe that(,) Joanne?” Use comma when directly addressing someone.

I thought the paragraphs were a little thick at times, but it didn’t stop me from reading on. I also thought there was a lot of telling and not showing; there wasn’t much dialogue, but it started to pick up at chap 7.

So far, I think this is a compelling read with well-drawn characters. Wonderful prose that is easy to read and well constructed sentences.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Excellent opening, vivid and compelling. You may think this a small quibble, but I'm the sort of reader that is easily distracted, and once a niggle starts to form in my mind, it has an undermining effect. Who carries bandages in the car?

Excellent opening, vivid and compelling. You may think this a small quibble, but I'm the sort of reader that is easily distracted, and once a niggle starts to form in my mind, it has an undermining effect. Who carries bandages in the car?

Every now and then I read a story where I forget to make any notes to feedback with along the way because I get caught up in what I'm reading. This is one of them.

I absolutely love the premise of the story: the subject matter has always been deeply interesting to me and the writing is a sheer pleasure for it's technical skill. All the more impressive because crime thriller/detective stories are usually a turn off for me. Like this a lot and am backing. Very best of luck and sorry you're not getting a longer review, but at least it's for the best of reasons!

Here's that KJ Kron comment in full:

Chapter one – stomach turning. The end conjures up terrible images. My only complaint is that I’d make Ely say things like “religious fruitcakes” and “weirdo’s.” You don’t want your narrator to be too preaching – it will become obvious as the reader reads on what the truth is.

Chapter two – starts with a great quote, especially when you consider the source. There’s a little bit of a mystery here – is Jon looking for a change in his life or an affair?

Chapter three – really starts to pick up the pace of this novel. I only say that because you haven’t had any dialogue up to this point. I made a few suggestions for Ely in chapter one, but you should also add a touch in chapter two as well. And you have a great hook at the end of this chapter – had to read on.

Chapter four – starting to get a feel for what this book is about – love the direction.

Chapter five – see the message spreading through the media. I like what you’ve done here and will back you. Hope you add a bit of dialogue in the beginning and try not to make your narrator too bias (even if he has reason to be). Engaging. Well done.

Couldn't put this on your messages for your book. This was the second time I typed it out and I don't want to do it again. Best of luck - I enjoyed this.

At first, I thought the opening chapter was too thick with long paragraphs with description, but as I read on, I realized these thick paragraphs gave you a queasy feeling, no room for fresh air, as horrific events began to play upon the page. What started as a barn on fire, turned into a sickening scene of burning coprses holding each other. The description that disturbed me the most was the burning mother giving birth to a burning baby. How imaginative and gross. I loved it. Your descriptions are dark, sick, and real. This is a very well written piece. I enjoyed it very much. Shelved.

Crap. I just left a detailed message and it disappeared. Backed you but this computer isn't letting me cut and paste. I'll try your messages.

Dear Alan,

This is in parts horrific and beautiful...your descriptions are captivating (the animals salivating and the portrayal of the burning bodies). It is interesting the way you say Ely will have difficulty seeing his son as a grown man, what a truth to reveal!

This is obviously a meaty book and would need a serious reader, but it is clear you have something to say, and i'm a sucker for a deep book!

Two notes: fetus not feotus and in the first paragraph, I think Danny was finishing "his" work not "their" work. Just a thought.

Shelved.

Johanna
Scream Out Loud

A bit too much backstory in c.2 for my taste; I'd rather see it woven into your story.

However, this is a gripping read (the partial, at any rate) and you're backed without a qualm. I'm sure if I re-read it, I'd have some nits, but the storytelling is superb.

If you haven't read Sam Harris' The End of Faith, you might want to read it in case it gives you ideas for further deepening of the story.

Cheers,
Sheryl (comment on mine? Backing optional.)

C.1...absolutely gripping...just one comment about how to describe what firemen, cops and lawyers call "krispy kritters"......I've seen pictures of people who have died in fires. Their backs arch and stay arched, their fingers curl grotesquely, and their faces are masks of horror. At least, the ones who die in bed look like that.

Reading on.....

Alan,
A gripping, disturbing opening chapter that sets up what appears to be an important book. Your narrative is straightforward and compelling.
I'm backing.
Mark

This is good writing. I am pleased to see you have learnt well from the master, Don DeLillo. That is a compliment not a criticism. - P.

Hello, sir - with apologies for late arrival. A gutsy, ball-trampling, in-your-face opening. Way to grab my attention, Mr Devey. Your cover, pitch and this first chpt put me in mind of 'The Wicker Man'. And that is no Bad Thing. Worth a spin on the sesty self. Best of luck with it - sestius

Your descriptions are amazing. Im shocked by what I read. I can't read on ..but backed because theres alot of people who do like this stuff..