The Shot

The Shot

[R12 & 41 *message]

Great! The opening is fantastic, someone shot through the forehead right in front of Will’s eyes. Then more action on the scene. He’s a photographic memory, you put this to good use. The occult angle is a great touch and gets better with the timedancer theory you just know is going to be the key to this. The poisoned and anaesthetic soaked bullets are great. Add a love story and plenty of juicy detail and I want to read all of this.

Good going. I’m backing this and if you can find the time to take a look at Bokassa’s Last Apostle in return I’d be extremely grateful. Thanks.

Your pitch is exciting and grabbed my attention quickly. The book starts off with a gripping scene, the shooting of the woman whose name we later know is Sandra. You write this action scene well, with riveting detail, and fast movement. Will is shocked, and so are we, and when later the suspicion rises that he himself is the victim, we are drawn in to find out what's going on. Aurora, Merlin, and Sylvia are well drawn, individual characters, colourful and interesting. Will himself is, as a first person narrator, easy to relate to and very likable. Although he's clever, he's also shy and reluctant to move forward with his life, content to stay in a minor job in a small bookshop for nearly twenty years, although, certainly, the pay is good. This pay is one of the mysteries you dangle before us, and there are many others. Is Will a timedancer? What are these gold chains? Who was the man who saved Will's life? Why are there so many blue-eyed redheads in his life? You hook us into your mystery very successfully. You writing is relaxed and enjoyable, full of excellent description, often funny. A book to enjoy. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

No mistaking the opening grip of this:

“The smack was like someone slapping the windowpane. A drop of blood dribbled from a red dot on her forehead. Her usually-alert and smiling blue eyes went vacant as she slumped forward and slid down to the floor. It was only then that I noticed the hole in the glass, just to the left and above my head.”

But the real eventual target?

“Why would anyone want to kill me?”

And a twist to the Thriller Genre taking it also into Occult:

“Though I was still not an occultist, I’ve read almost everything available on Rosicrucians, the Order of the Golden Dawn, the Templars, and many others.... There was a full-moon ritual tonight – the last one before the Vernal Equinox, for which we made a trek out to Stonehenge every year. Yes, I went too, but they had never succeeded getting me to a private circle. They were usually done naked, and I was just too chicken for that.... I always knew that she had healing hands, even before I learned that she specialized in healing magick. Aurora claims that Sylvia’s blue aura is visible to all during rituals. Sylvia once confided to me that both Aurora’s and mine are white – that’s why we got along so well. She also said that mine would be visible during a ritual, too, but an adept can see it even in bright sunlight.”

It is also a Sc-Fi/Fantasy so:

“You see, I’m different. I’m an astral traveller, or at least that’s what they call me. In my dreams I can see all the possible futures and all of the presents. Yes, there is more than one. In fact, there are so many now that it is hard to keep track of them. Many will end soon, several paths lead to a frozen cataclysm, but why do I see so much fire? ...”

With an almost Dennis Wheatley feel about this:

“. My whole body began to tingle and I could feel Rainer pick me up and lay me in the centre of the circle. I was completely helpless, and I couldn’t see Rainer’s future at all as he held me. He spread my arms and legs out, and I immediately became worried that I was about to be raped. Instead, he drew another circle around me and traced a Pentagram on my body with his dagger. He touched me lightly, so he wouldn’t break my skin.
I felt like I was floating. The people who had been wearing the brown robes came and touched me – all together. There were sixteen of them including Rainer, and each had both hands on my body…my arms, legs, feet, and most places in between. I couldn’t do anything about it.”

Add in to the story toppings like this:

“The memory of Sina naked would wipe out yesterday’s image. I was desperately trying to avoid falling in love with her, but it was as though she was daring me to.... The only way I could keep my mind off Sina was to read more about dreamdancers and timedancers.”

And you have an eclectic mix which should irresistible to its target readership. Shelved.

Bocri, if you would have read further (did you even read the whole first chapter?), you would have discovered there was a second shooter. Nobody heard any of the shots. Furthermore, you would have also learned that none of the "police" were actually police (i.e. they stayed near Will at all times), as did Will's tackler, and even the woman in restaurant, who may even have been the prime target. You also apparently know little about armour glass, which is designed NOT to shatter. (A London shop that I used to work in DID have armour glass, thankfully.) In fact, had you read further, you would have learned that the (ultra high velocity) "rifles" probably weren't of contemporary manufacture. All (or at least most) of the holes you point out are resolved later - that's usually how fiction works, isn't it?

In the absence of personal experience, research provides the basis for convincing fiction. The suspension of belief requires, among other things, credibility, realism and logic. All are AWOL from this work.
When was the last time you heard someone slapping a window pane? Is it a noise that is immediately recognisable? Does a bullet penetrating an ‘armoured’ glass window make that noise? It does not. Armoured glass? Or reinforced glass? After passing through, obviously in this instance without distortion, is it capable of making a small neat hole? It is not. At this stage no mention is made of the sound of the shot.

The hole made by the round is to the left and above the head (later it is above his shoulder, so even closer) of our hero. What is the distance between the intended target and the victim because this becomes a question of trajectory and angles. The victim, with the small, neat, red, almost pristine, fatal head—shot was sitting at the window. The entry wound with blood trickling, after impact, is immediately visible to our bookkeeper, despite the body slumping to the floor? Glasgow, who tackles and pulls the narrator ‘behind’ a kiosk, is then killed by, one assumes, the same sniper. If so, field of fire becomes relevant here.
People scattered, presumably after hearing the second shot, but not the first. Traffic vanishes? Really? How are the drivers aware of what is going on and able to take ‘disappearing action’ without a traffic jam?
The bookkeeper, held in place on the pavement by the heavy body of his ‘saviour’, is able to see along the ground to inside Mimi’s and the body of the shot woman, and ‘sees’ the blood pooling, presumably on the floor., and on her blouse. If the woman is on the floor how does the blood flow from the head wound to her blouse? And this is noted from a ground level line of sight?
It gets better —our narrator is able to complete a diagnosis and determined that her heart still beats although her brain is pulped. Omniscient or skilled? Even more incredible is the arrival of police, with riot shields, flak jackets, not stab vests, and helmets, who flood the area. It is assumed this is the UK? The response time was not as immediate as this for the London bombings when it was obvious explosions had taken place.
The second bullet hole is in the ‘stone’ below the one in the glass. Obviously, this ‘stray’ round was a ricochet, since it has killed the rescuer, while he is ‘behind’ the kiosk, miraculously passed through his body without hitting Will, held close, and doubled back to Mimi’s.

I’m afraid for me unfortunately, as a reader, the holes are not only in the glass and the stone.

Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

I would have like to back this book but after 2 chapters i found that I couldn't get into it. You lack the details and narrative voice needed to pull this through.
The characters are not endearing and neither is the plot.
Best of Luck

Hi Stephen, a most enjoyable read. well written and full of surprises.
backed with pleasure,
Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created most memorable main characters in Cynthia and Will. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your fantasy a pleasure to read.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

After the time split occurred meeting the other half of ones self is a fascinating concept but that is what happened to Cynthia Warren and Aurora Pearson at the occult trade fayre in tis brilliant story. Taking time off from the project high priestess Cynthia Warren is invited to attend the equinox by the coven. Can the future be changed and the project halted, Dreamdancer Will Sloane is the only hope, thats if he is'nt killed first.
Great story mixing alternate beginnings and ends in a multiude of facets and identities, why was Sloane offered a job in the shop, why did his protection consist of two female agents, why the refuge of the shop and not the hospital after the second attempt on his live. So many twists and turns in this fast moving excellent drama about timedancers and dreamdancers.
Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

This is a cracking good opening for a thriller, Stephen, and I'm happy to back it. The tension and the suspense are all there from line one. Your premise is also interesting and I'm wondering how later chapters are going to develop. I so have one suggestion and that is that you are explaining rather a lot in chapter 1. It would seem more natural if some of the information about Hell's Portal could come out naturally. Wouldn't Agent Barton want to know about the place and it's history? One small point: I've no idea what goes on inside MI5, but I don't think they are called 'agent' - that's the FBI. Most field operatives are, I think, of military rank.

The Shot

[R12 & 41 *message]

Great! The opening is fantastic, someone shot through the forehead right in front of Will’s eyes. Then more action on the scene. He’s a photographic memory, you put this to good use. The occult angle is a great touch and gets better with the timedancer theory you just know is going to be the key to this. The poisoned and anaesthetic soaked bullets are great. Add a love story and plenty of juicy detail and I want to read all of this.

Good going. I’m backing this and if you can find the time to take a look at Bokassa’s Last Apostle in return I’d be extremely grateful. Thanks.

Stephen, I enjoyed your first chapter. This is a smooth, entertaining read with a riveting opening. I am curious about the bullet hole in the glass. Wouldn't the glass have shattered? Just asking.


Good job overall. Sincerely backed.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

This is just wonderful writing and literally brims with imagination and zeal. A true hybrid of genres, it seems to be the perfect whole. I found nothing to nitpick in the chapters I read and can say nothing but congratulations and that this should exist in book form. Terrific.
Carl
The Time Hunters

What an imaginative story! Like the way you've combined simple ordinary things - a London bookshop - with the not so ordinary - a secret sect from the future. Your characters are likable and sympathetic. It's a good read. I'm adding this to my bookshelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I love the intensity of the opening paragraph. Starting with a 'bang' as they say ;-) I enjoy the tarot references and wiccan concepts as my mother has always dabbled in the occult, it has a homely feel for me!
Thoroughly enjoyed the first 3 chapters.
Good luck!

Dear Stephen Ferre,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your story starts with tension. And you build sympathy posthumously for the dead woman. The “I was shy” isn’t necessary as it’s implied. Quite the riveting beginning. A photographic memory is a fascinating curse, and you may wish to mention it in your pitch. Generally speaking, having a corpse crushing the protagonist provides good tension, and his cognition while trapped portray the passing of time until the police arrive. I’m interested in an occult bookstore that might’ve once been part of a torn-down friary. Merlin must see something special in the protagonist. I liked the line, “I hated it when she called me willow in public”.

In my fallible opinion, you could make your story’s even more potent by removing the passive verbs. Think of passive verbs as scaffolding, or placeholders. Whenever you encounter a sentence with one, take a good look and see if you can repair it with an active verb.

Passive sentences aside, I enjoyed your story. Backed, and best wishes.

Your pitch is exciting and grabbed my attention quickly. The book starts off with a gripping scene, the shooting of the woman whose name we later know is Sandra. You write this action scene well, with riveting detail, and fast movement. Will is shocked, and so are we, and when later the suspicion rises that he himself is the victim, we are drawn in to find out what's going on. Aurora, Merlin, and Sylvia are well drawn, individual characters, colourful and interesting. Will himself is, as a first person narrator, easy to relate to and very likable. Although he's clever, he's also shy and reluctant to move forward with his life, content to stay in a minor job in a small bookshop for nearly twenty years, although, certainly, the pay is good. This pay is one of the mysteries you dangle before us, and there are many others. Is Will a timedancer? What are these gold chains? Who was the man who saved Will's life? Why are there so many blue-eyed redheads in his life? You hook us into your mystery very successfully. You writing is relaxed and enjoyable, full of excellent description, often funny. A book to enjoy. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Backed.

shah

I read the pitch and Ch 1 and 2. A nuclear physicist and wiccan high priest? wtf? - an unlikely combination. The brethren, the mix of occult and physics, time travel... a heady mix, which would fit right under heading of "bestseller." I feel at present it strains credibility, i.e., is not sufficiently convincing.Above all, thrillers must be convincing. Having said that, you write well and have the skill to make it more convincing. Shelved, because I love the opening.
Frank

Stephen

Makes for compelling reading......

she might have had.............I'd say,,,,, might've had.........I think 'have had' and 'had had' are quite difficult to read......

when describing the dead man on top of him we're in the present.......
(was) an embarassin reminder
body (was) wrapped around me.....
I'd delete (was) in both instances......


'Sniper' the Glaswegian man said...........And then nothing is said by anyone until the police woman speaks.

I'd have like a bit of dialogue to emphasise the chaoes , people scattered, screaming, but that didn't conjure mass panic to me.....

Fabulous characterization, I especially liked SIna.....

shelved with pleasure.

I HAVE read this before - well, I've read the first part of it as I remember the bookshop so clearly. It reminded me of Atlantis, just by the British Museum. So I'm not sure what happened. This time I read the first three chapters and of course I'm intrigued. I love nothing better than an occult thriller and you only needed to mention astral travel, Rosicrucians, the Aleister Crowley tarot deck etc, to get me very interested.
I did find the first chapter had a heck of a lot going on - and maybe it needs splitting up? Lots of characters to get our heads round and also a fair bit of back story which (IMHO) could wait until later.
But really, my cup of tea entirely and happy to back
Jane
WALKER

Loved the beginning chapter. It pulls you very quickly into the story. Excellent stuff. Best, Sana

Very well written and completely engaging. It held me in that kind of cinematic way that only damn good writing could do. You gave your plot life, and made it interesting, very interesting. One part that I a particularly impressed with is your dialogue; you are extremely good at making it feel real and also making the characters expressions and actions known without breaking it up. It allows me to read through as though it were real time, and not get held up on the way. Overall, very impressive. Up their with the best on this site.

Andrew

Dear Stephen, Your title has already been used by the wonderful novelist Philip Kerr, but in every other respect the book is completely original, and I can’t recall encountering such a rich variety of intriguing characters and fascinating story elements. The writing is just as unexpected and appealing: vivid, elliptical, fast-paced—your sentences are like a sniper’s bullets.

No reason why you won’t be as successful as Philip Kerr. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

I like the pitch for 'The Shot', and the way that you plunge straight into the story in C1 with bullets flying and Will getting caught in the middle. Fluent writing, good characters, vivid environment and natural dialogue all play their part in making this a great read that will do very well. Backed with pleasure.
The only false note I found was Aurora's reaction when Will tells her he's nearly been killed by a sniper in Cheapside; she sends him upstairs to the shower as though this is an everyday nuisance of little importance. Where was the shock and horror? Where was the 'Oh my God what if...? It's a while since I used to stroll down Cheapside regularly, but It can't have changed that much. Hope this helps. Good Luck.

What a fantastic first chapter. It's so well paced and the dialogue is believable and dynamic. I love how you slowly build up the connections between people. The red hair, the knowing looks, the necklace ... And I love the details. I can picture everyone perfectly. You also have beautiful sentences. I love when Willow (although I may not be one of the people allowed to call him Willow, it's such a perfect name and I love it) is staring at Laura and he says "Already she had stolen something from me ... I just don't know what it was." You already know you are on my shelf. I'm looking forward to chapter 2. I think this is an incredible story.

Great opening Stephen! Gripping stuff. BACKED with pleasure.

No mistaking the opening grip of this:

“The smack was like someone slapping the windowpane. A drop of blood dribbled from a red dot on her forehead. Her usually-alert and smiling blue eyes went vacant as she slumped forward and slid down to the floor. It was only then that I noticed the hole in the glass, just to the left and above my head.”

But the real eventual target?

“Why would anyone want to kill me?”

And a twist to the Thriller Genre taking it also into Occult:

“Though I was still not an occultist, I’ve read almost everything available on Rosicrucians, the Order of the Golden Dawn, the Templars, and many others.... There was a full-moon ritual tonight – the last one before the Vernal Equinox, for which we made a trek out to Stonehenge every year. Yes, I went too, but they had never succeeded getting me to a private circle. They were usually done naked, and I was just too chicken for that.... I always knew that she had healing hands, even before I learned that she specialized in healing magick. Aurora claims that Sylvia’s blue aura is visible to all during rituals. Sylvia once confided to me that both Aurora’s and mine are white – that’s why we got along so well. She also said that mine would be visible during a ritual, too, but an adept can see it even in bright sunlight.”

It is also a Sc-Fi/Fantasy so:

“You see, I’m different. I’m an astral traveller, or at least that’s what they call me. In my dreams I can see all the possible futures and all of the presents. Yes, there is more than one. In fact, there are so many now that it is hard to keep track of them. Many will end soon, several paths lead to a frozen cataclysm, but why do I see so much fire? ...”

With an almost Dennis Wheatley feel about this:

“. My whole body began to tingle and I could feel Rainer pick me up and lay me in the centre of the circle. I was completely helpless, and I couldn’t see Rainer’s future at all as he held me. He spread my arms and legs out, and I immediately became worried that I was about to be raped. Instead, he drew another circle around me and traced a Pentagram on my body with his dagger. He touched me lightly, so he wouldn’t break my skin.
I felt like I was floating. The people who had been wearing the brown robes came and touched me – all together. There were sixteen of them including Rainer, and each had both hands on my body…my arms, legs, feet, and most places in between. I couldn’t do anything about it.”

Add in to the story toppings like this:

“The memory of Sina naked would wipe out yesterday’s image. I was desperately trying to avoid falling in love with her, but it was as though she was daring me to.... The only way I could keep my mind off Sina was to read more about dreamdancers and timedancers.”

And you have an eclectic mix which should irresistible to its target readership. Shelved.

Stephen,

This begins with a tightly written, action-packed first chapter, and, given the title of this novel, it almost had to be that way. This is intense and exciting. It's also quite suspenseful. There are so many questions surrounding the shooting, chief among them: Was Will the target?

I wish I had time to read more, but I've certainly read enough to know this is well worth backing.
Mark

Damn, what an intense opening scene. BAM! Woman shot in head. Your vivid details really make this story stand out. The narrator, lying in his own piss and the other man's blood. Wow. Great description. Also, the red-head, with the bullet in her head, brains torn apart. You are a master at suspense. Shelved.

Hi Stephen, Your writing has a hypnotic effect as you gradually introduce the characters with their occult connections. Will’s history with them and his relationship with Aurora were interestingly enough. The mystery being mixed-up with the timestrands took off with Cynthia. Wow, her identity and then the subtle narration is back in the contemporary Wiccan ceremony. The writing is lucid and has a tone that makes this feel commonplace because of the narrator. So it is not difficult to enter. I’m fascinated to read more. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

A very good mix of fantasy and thriller. First chapter told from male point of view which is in itself unusual as in my experience these kinds of stories are usually told from the female pov at least initially. A few nit picks, 'only by a couple of inches', I suggest you reword this as to me it reads a little awkward. Some of the paragraphs are very long, I suggest you break these up to make it easier to read. Try to avoid adverbs, if you use stronger verbs it will make your writing stronger.

Hi Stephen!

This is a very good premise for a thriller, and you jump right into the action, which I love! Your descriptions of the shooting and the aftermath are very well done. I can see this doing very well for you. My pleasure to back!

Kim
Invisible Justice

This is a great story, and you have all the right ingrediants. One thing I felt was that, especially at the beginning, the sentance structure seemed a little jerky as if you were using too many short sentances. This improves a little later on, but you could certainly improve the flow a little by looking into that.

Other than that, a great story well executed. Backed.

-Jenny-

This story is just up my street, Stephen. I have read all about the occult models mentioned at the beginning of chapter one, so I was expecting good things from the off. Your story zips along and kept me absorbed. The time splits and threads are a facinating concept. I would/will buy this book. BACKED with pleasure! Nicky.

I like your opening: plenty of dramatic action even as your main protagonist takes on some complex flesh. You’ve included some harrowing detail, e.g. the woman’s heart still pumping despite the fact her brain has been destroyed. Having the protagonist piss himself may be realistic, and is certainly brave, since this doesn’t do much for his macho status, and it may inhibit some male readers, in particular, from identifying with him. I love the device of the occult bookshop, and the mystery of the hero’s employment there. I also like the way you let the apparent familiarity of locals with the idea of snipers in Cheapside sneak up on the reader, subtly setting the story in another time. The mysteries pile one on top of the other, and the hero becomes more intriguingly complex as things go along. I’m watchlisting your book for now, and will look for a chance to read more. Cheers, Collin (*MOM*)

twisting and turning the mystery builds all through chapter one. Very good work. Shelved.

There is something very strange going on here. This is all that seems to be going through my head as I read. There are too many coinsidences, and the reading of the timedancer and dreamdancer was very interesting. I love time travel and everything to do with it.

There are are few typos, but nothing serious. The only problem I had while reading was in the beginning of chapter one some of the information seemed forced. Like a side tangent that dead ended forced me to come back. It's nothing major, just slowed the flow of the story slightly. Not sure what you could do to incorporate it better, but just giving you a heads up.

I really liked the read and glad to place it on my shelf.
Later days,
Kenny

Hi Stephen.
You have a brilliant opening to this, full of unexpected tension. The shooting is very well described and there is no overwriting. The rest of the chapter caries on well too, I loved the relationship between Will and the Pearson's, and when SIna and Laura were added, the interest went up a notch. Great stuff!
I made a few notes as I read:
'everyday as I walked to work for the past month...' every day for the past month as I walked to work..?
'I was too afraid to try to move..' too afraid to move, otherwise too many 'to's!
'breathing of the man in the kiosk..' you didn't mention a man inside the kiosk and at first I thought you meant the man who'd protected Will.
-that was definitely coming...' *it* was definitely coming.
'Her heart was still beating...' did you mean to repeat this line?
'I would never forget I never do..' missing a period here, and there are other missing periods. I also don't think you'd need a photographic memory to remember something like that!
'It wasn't much I didn't know..' missing comma after 'much'.
You say that the dead man was 'wrapped around' Will and that the bullet went right through him. Why then, didn't it hit Will?
'policewoman approach from behind..' *approaching*.
'why was it there in the first place..' another missing period.
'all its doorways..' every doorway?
'I noticed her blond highlights..' for a woman, it's *blonde*.
Ch 1 has a very weak ending, you need a good hook.

Other than that, Stephen, I really enjoyed this and would certainly read on. Shelved for sure! I hope you enjoy King's Envoy when you return for our read-swap.
All the best,
Cas.

A riveting first chapter that held the attention. With that in mind I read on and was not disappointed. The title drew me to this, it has to be arresting otherwise I would pass some of this genre by. I comment only as a reader and this has the makings of a very good tale. Easy to read this and an interesting plot so on my shelf it goes. Margaret.
The Spirit of the Butterfly & others.

Hi Stephen

I have only read ch1- enough to know I am supporting this. And when it comes off my shelf, it remains on my WL so I can read further. I enjoy the mixture of a modern setting with the mystical. EVERY character is interesting. Damn, I'm terrible with praise, don't know how to explain to you how much I love this. If this was a book on a shelf, I would buy it...although you might want to upload a great cover to catch my attention!

Happy to support this, indeed.

All the best
Elaina
Gathering of Rain

hello Stephen,

I have to admit that this is not my usual genre, but the pitch made me to w/list it; something I am glad I did because the three chapters read so far prove the promising nature of this story. This is an unusual story that you wrote so well.

Overall, it is a gripping story Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Stephen,
Notes on TS:
Ugh, I love it. What a sad horrible opening death.
I think you're missing a period after My clothes were getting damp from his blood (.)
Cracks me up that that Hell's Portal's owner' i named Merlin.
His nickname was Willow? These names are great.
Really helps that he's not into the occult stuff.
Just wondering if all these people mentioned are necessary? Coming up later in the story?
Is Sina Cambodian?
Mm, yes, keeps me rooted, really like what you've woven.
Best of luck.
-=Bradley

I've read all you've posted and enjoyed it. At the beginning, I was a little disconcerted that the police didn't seem to spend much time questioning/gathering evidence about the sniper. (And that Willow just went on to work!) However, as I continued to read, that concern fell to the wayside with the suspense and drama that ensued. Well-written. Shelved.

The Shot, is an entertaining look into an eerie world. It’s on the shelf.

The manuscript could use a good edit to clear up punctuation problems, etc.

Bob Avey

Great start and very easy to read, I would buy this book after scanning it in the store. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

I like this...nice twisty plot.. Others will crit your punctuation etc...I will comment as a reader...and you hooked me. I do think you need a bit of an edit, perhaps smoothing out your pacing slightly. Cracking opening line but the first few hundred words feel a little rushed to me. I think perhaps for my taste your long pitch has a bit too much in it . Perhaps breaking it into two distinct paragraphs would help.
Still this is original...and that is a quality that is sometimes in short supply on Authonomy.
You are Shelved.
Perhaps you might like to take a look at my book Shadowknight if you have a spare moment or several.
Ash

Hi Stephen,

Great opening. Full of suspense. I can’t believe the woman that had stolen his heart died before they even had a chance.

Great vivid descriptions, it brought the story to life. Great characterisation and dialogue. This is a fascinating story that grabbed my attention and pulled me in.
Your prose is tight and it was easy to read. Great sentence structure. This has a lot of promise and will go very far.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Drawn in by the pitch, and tyhe whole thing buzzes with ideas and concepts

Backed
Bill

Stephen you have a good scene right at the start. Lots of intrigue and lots of action. It is a different plot and as a reader I am curious about this world you have created. I know nothing about the occult. There was a couple of places where your writing could be tighter but over all it was an enjoyable read. Backed C.P

Stephen,

What an interesting premise. I was totally intrigued by your pitch. I've read your first chapter so far and your opening is fabulous! I immensly enjoyed this and am happy to give you spin on my shelf. Looking forward to reading more.

Heidi

Stephen
It wasn't the deal, but since I respect your comments I took a look at The Shot. Before the pig picture stuff, here are some nitpicks from chapter 1:
* Hell's Portal is at [the] end of...
* Best described as it's proprietor - I didn't understand this sentence and re-read it later when you say he isn't the owner. I think this needs rewording and inserting that Merlin isn't the owner at this time.
* ...happened?" she asked[.]
* I insisted[.] "It's...
* Aurora's name[.]

Your opening is great, it pulled me straight into the story. I was confused about the nationality of your MC. Is he American? He can't be English if he thinks the word "gotten". In terms of style, it's pretty tight although I was very aware of 'was" early on. Try to use it less often and find a more descriptive verb.

Finally, an area to improve is your chapter end. In my opinion (and I may be a lone voice) you should avoid ending with your character going to bed/sleeping. It's a subliminal message to turn your reader to sleep. It's a thriller so intrigue us, give us hooks and make us turn the page.

On my shelf to help you on your way.
Chris (I Dare You)

The Shot...

I really like this, Stephen...suggest making your chapters shorter...I think you have a good shot (pun intended) here on Authonomy, not only to rise to the top, but also to get a contract because HP has an imprint especially for fantasy and sci-fi, I think. So far (c.1) this feels more like fantasy than sci-fi to me.

I'm going to back this one now, but will be back to give you a more comprehensive analysis of your partial.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)