Holding Battersea

I like your characters, David, realistic, flawed and very individual. Tom and Barry sound like quite a few men I know, and the respective affairs ring true too. After 3 chapters, I'm finding the story entertaining, sexy and amusing. The Graham Greene novel and jaded politics add layers of additional interest.

Some favourite moments: 'clamped a silent lid of immobile grey clouds'. 'amber-toned inertia of his normal life'. 'He collapsed into the armchair like a deflating balloon'. 'some of us have even grown up'. 'paralysing intellectual seizure'. 'totally impossible or merely doomed'. 'quoting Leonard Cohen'. 'cathartic mop and bucket'.

A couple of suggestions to take or leave: 'The taps spat' this paragraph has a lot of sentences beginning with He and His which made it seem a bit clunky compared to the rest of your excellent writing. In chapter 3, the discussion between Barry and Tom about the book seems slightly drawn out - if it could be trimmed of a few words???

Oh, yes, and do let the wasp out ... or have Barry squash it.

Hi, your pitch drew me in but I'm confused by your first chapter. The writing is a bit 'literary' for chick lit but, so far, the plot is too 'chick lit' for literary. I think 'chick lit' is the wrong tag for this as it gave me the wrong impression. I really like the idea of the political and the Greene allusions and connections and I'm sure I just started reading on the wrong foot as you'd labelled it 'chick lit' although I can't remember what the other options you could use were. Anyway, I hope the following comments will be some use to you.

I'm not sure your opening paragraph gives a strong enough hook. It's a very long first sentence and you're starting by telling us your hero is dull! Second paragraph is very visual (not sure about 'airless trees' though) but nothing's happened yet. I loved the 'long-defeated stair carpet', it's the kind of humour that's been lacking so far which lifts the description. You do it again when comparing the marble hotel floors and brown carpets at home. I like that kind of detail and it tells us something about Tom too. Cutting some of the –ly words might lift the description as well, in one sentence you have accusingly, seemingly and angrily. Then using a mirror reflection to describe our hero's rather unlovely face is a bit clichéd and it's yet more description when I'm craving some action.

When Lucy started describing Tom's supposed womanising it struck an odd note as I hadn't imagined him as that type of man from the opening paragraphs. Of course, she was probably teasing but your readers are desperate for character notes by now, I was clutching at anything that would make me interested in Tom so Lucy's representation of him is great, just be careful if she can't be relied on as her's is the first opinion we've heard. Tom should protest more if it's unjustified. And thank you for Barry and Lucy's marital problems, things have just got interesting!

I thought Barry's monologue about Carter USM was overdone but then I know the song.

I had guessed that Tom had feelings for Lucy in chapter one but the strength of them in chapter two surprised me, I think you could show a little more of him thinking that when he's telling Barry what he thinks of him deceiving Lucy.

Chapter two whizzed by because there was so much action, I do think you should trim a bit of chapter one's descriptive passages and give us more on Tom's character there. I think you've got a great idea here but you perhaps need to decide on your target audience and then pitch your hook, your narration, etc accordingly. Sorry I haven't time to read on at the moment.

The book I've uploaded here also starts with the main character returning home from abroad and I'd be interested in your thoughts on how I handled the scene if you can spare the time to take a look. Thanks. K

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Dialogue is great and overall it's really well written. Not sure if it's something I'd buy but I can appreciate it.

Hello CJ. Thanks for your message. I don't know how you even found my book now that I've stopped being busy trying to promote it. well done - and all best wishes for your OFSTED; remember it's just another piece of performance art. False pearls & genuine swine etc.

Hello Gina, thanks for your comments and for spending time with my book. I've put you on my bookshelf. Good luck, david

Good pitch...lol...
Got my attention. Characters seem very real. Story is easy enough to follow in the 1st chapter. I will jjust have to read more when I get the time :) This website forces you to read and I am very slow at reading :(

Later,
Gina

David, I think that there's a lot you could do with this: but it does still need work.

For example: the third para, first sentence (I can't highlight it to copy it here): how can he simultaneously unlock the door and pick up the post? I know that this is nitpicking: but I want writing to be smooth and seamless, and if I spot hiccups like that then it stops the flow for me, and weakens an otherwise strong piece of writing.

There's also more "tell" than I'd like, and not enough "show", but then again, I overdo "show" so perhaps I'm not the best person to be guided by on that! If I could copy sections of it here to show you what I mean I'd do so, but can't seem to: is that disabled by Authonomy to stop us copying each other's texts, do you think?

Overall, though, an interesting start which shows great promise. Thanks for letting me read it, and thanks again for your comments on my work.

Tom,

I didn't think that you were being rude at all,just honest. The last thing I want is falseness or "over politeness". That type of interaction doesn't suit or appeal to me. Be yourself!
Good luck,

Mark.

Hello Tom,
Thanks so much for putting Bending the Rules on your bookshelf. And since you've said you don't generally read crime, except for Raymond Chandler -- my hero in the genre -- I feel doubly honored. And yes, please do call me PJ. It's kind of fun going by an acronym. (I thought PJ -- my initials, of course -- sounded more like a mystery writer than my first name would.) Anyway, I plan to read on in your novel tonight, after work. Here in Oregon, it's 8 a.m. right now -- time to rush off to the office. Thanks again. PJ

Hello Mark. Please accept my apologies if you thought I was being rude. I was tired and tetchy after trawling through some of the Forum exchanges on this site. Thanks for not taking it personally and for putting my book on your shelf. I'm about to click through to yours to start reading. Best wishes, Tom

Tom,
Partly due to your slightly feisty reply re Blair I've stuck you on my bookshelf. Maybe you are right re my "saturation" point. I do like someone who's direct and is capable of speaking their mind (you, not Blair!)

Good luck,

Mark

hello SavagePJ - may I call you PJ? Ah, that Carlos! Perhaps you know him; being fellow Oregonians and all that? Thanks very much for looking at Holding Battersea and putting it on your bookshelf. Naturally I've put you on my Watch List and hope to get back to you later - I say 'later', it'll probably be 'early' where you are. Where I live in south London is just one or two kilometres west of the Greenwich Meridian so our time is pretty much GMT...I digress. Tom

Tom, I found your shameless plug and was so impressed by Carlos' comments you had quoted that I gave your first chapter a read. Since Carlos' writes both his books and comments with such intelligence (not to mention humor), I trust his judgement implicitly -- if he thinks your writing brilliant, it's indeed going to be good writing. And, of course, it is. I've only had time to read chapter one so far, but enjoyed it so much I've added your Holding Battersea to my bookshelf. And I'm especially looking forward to the last 15 chapters -- PJ Savage

Hi Mark, Thanks for you comments. I'm interested to hear that the market is 'saturated with similar content/themes'. Do please name any three and I promise I'll go out and buy them tomorrow.
I've put your book on my watch list and I will start reading it ASAP. As for Tony Blair, of course he's a big downer that's the whole fucking point! He got away with his style of cynical and (ultimately) vacuous politics because too many people gave up on active involvement. My fault; maybe I didn't make that clear in the book. Tom

Tom,

I had a look at the first and last chapters.Two observations. Firstly I've no doubt that there is an audience for this type of story. The only problem might be that the market is saturated with similar content/themes. Secondly I wondered if you should "prune" your writing a bit , ie get rid of some of the "slack" and consequently make it a bit sharper and more succinct, a bit punchier. Tom is an interesting character but I feel like giving him a kick up the backside early on. Any mention of Blair is a big downer for me ..enough to put me off associating with the content (even if he is being portrayed from a derogatory stance. He's that culpable in my opinion!) As I say, I have barely skimmed the surface so treat my comments with a pinch of salt. I'm a novice at this game. A great "redeeming" factor is your placing of Vernon God Little at the top of your favourite books list I'm hard to please but it was brilliant.
Good luck,
Mark McCaffery
(if you get a spare 5 minutes maybe you can have a look at McCoubrey.You'll find it ranked at number 13,567. There also seems to be a little technical hitch when opening it. If you don't get the time no problem at all!)

Hello Paul House. Thanks for your interest and for putting HOLDING BATTERSEA on your watchlist. I have returned the compliment with HARBOUR and have liked what I have had time to read so far. I will get back to you later. In the meantime, I'm trying a Shameless Plug to see if that does any good. Carlos (see above) recently read my book from cover to cover and made some encouraging comments. I thought I'd try publicising his remarks and see what interest that generates.

Hello Bep. Thanks for your comments - don't thank me for sharing; I'm grateful to you for reading! Do please let me know when you've had your chocolate-fix and put your book up for review. I'd like to read your work. In fact looking at your page has led me to take an interest in Gillian Hamer's book 'The Charter' which you recommend quite strongly. Best wishes, David aka Tom Perdue

Hello Carlos. A big Thank You. I'm using your comments for shameless self promotion now that my book is tumbling back down the charts!

This is well written and sufficiently interesting to hold the readers attention. I liked Chapter 2 better than Chapter 1, but I only say that to say something. The crossed affairs seems to me a good premise for a story and I shall put this book on my watchlist and read more when I can.

Hello David. Firstly, thanks for sharing Holding Battersea and hope I’m not to late to comment.

I was there with him in the hallway, breathing in those smells (normally stew or chips in the communal hallways I’ve been in.)
Your opening scene is totally engaging, well paced with enough description to bring it to life and not put it to sleep.
“He winced and leaned into the bay to follow its progress, imagining the tyres scuffing against the granite kerbstones as the car bounced to a halt.” Lol, my hubby says that about me when I park his car!

I was worried I would seriously frown at Barry and his affair but you’ve written it in a way it’s deemed palatable. Clever! And I like the dialogue and the believable Barry uses the word “Mate” but only use it as a means to move the story along otherwise it will become sluggish.

Overall opinion? Really liked this even though I didn’t make it past chapter 3, but what you have got, has got me.

Thanks again for sharing.
Linda

David, I've just read your first chapter and I feel I'm hooked already. Tom, Barry and Lucy are, already, 'familiar', although I haven't 'placed' Penny yet. I'm assuming that Tom and Lucy will 'get it on' as they clearly have a strong friendship and are very relaxed with each other; I think your writing of their brief telephone conversation is brilliant, as you give the reader so much from so little; Tom's 'clumsiness' of character and Lucy's comfortable way of deliberately teasing him; they have 'chemistry'. I'll be back for more, for sure!! (and I'm a USM fan too!) Good luck, and Thanks, James

Hello Carlos, many thanks for putting Holding Battersea on your bookshelf. I'm grateful and will endeavour to return the compliment when I have delved into your two books. I share your dislike of reading any lengthy text on screen. In fact I find that the biggest drawback with the Authonomy format. Have you looked at Youwriteon.com? They ask for a max of 9k words to be uploaded - say 3 chapters - which can then be printed by readers. I find that so much more accessible.
The 50 year time frame issue has me puzzled too. Do you think your students were reacting against the recent past as being (a) associated with their parents' generation and/or (b) not proper history because still within living memory? One of the things I wanted to "get at" with Tom's view of history is the peculiar obsession with the Second World War which still lingers in English popular culture. Biggest literary hit / movie spin-off in the last year = ATONEMENT. Setting? WWII.
History can sometimes catch the imagination of student readers; I'd say that was true of Tracy Chevalier's 'Girl With A Pearl Earring for example. But perhaps the ingredients have to be romantic or the costumes appealing; I don't know.
The 'chick lit' question also has me beaten I'm afraid. I tried using it as a tag hoping to attract female readers. I'd spent a long time writing Lucy and her children in this story and I confess I was hoping that empathy might be noticed by a woman - any woman! All I got were reprimands for trespassing on the apparently hallowed turf of chick-lit. So now I proudly use the tag 'apparently not chick-lit'. You have to try, don't you?
Anyway, Carlos, I'm grateful for your comments and I will get back to you when I've read further. David aka Tom Perdue

My dear J Lea Lopez, You've put me on your bookshelf! Thanks so very much; I'm absolutely over the moon! When I come down I look forward to sending you a more considered reply. In the meantime, thanks again! David

Hello Sylvia,
Thanks for your comments; very helpful and encouraging. I've been pushed for time lately and haven't been very good at keeping up with what's happening on Authonomy. I'm hoping to have a few spare hours this Bank Holiday weekend and I'll contact you again if I may. David

I like your characters, David, realistic, flawed and very individual. Tom and Barry sound like quite a few men I know, and the respective affairs ring true too. After 3 chapters, I'm finding the story entertaining, sexy and amusing. The Graham Greene novel and jaded politics add layers of additional interest.

Some favourite moments: 'clamped a silent lid of immobile grey clouds'. 'amber-toned inertia of his normal life'. 'He collapsed into the armchair like a deflating balloon'. 'some of us have even grown up'. 'paralysing intellectual seizure'. 'totally impossible or merely doomed'. 'quoting Leonard Cohen'. 'cathartic mop and bucket'.

A couple of suggestions to take or leave: 'The taps spat' this paragraph has a lot of sentences beginning with He and His which made it seem a bit clunky compared to the rest of your excellent writing. In chapter 3, the discussion between Barry and Tom about the book seems slightly drawn out - if it could be trimmed of a few words???

Oh, yes, and do let the wasp out ... or have Barry squash it.

David, I think what I meant is that, when people arrive back from holiday they see their surrounding area with fresh eyes, and if you had Tom walking from the tube, for instance, we would see the area with him, and begin the story outside, instead of inside, which is supposed to be better, I believe. this is good writing, but it is definitely not chick lit.

Hi David, I came across to look at this when I saw Battersea in the title, as I used to work in that area, though a long time ago now. I gather now, though, that the emphasis is more on the Grahame Green connection rather than the strong sense of place, as everyone's inside. Do you have to begin with Tom inside the flat so soon? I liked your one paragraph on the setting.
Tom promises to develop well as a character, though don't know about Barry. Perhaps he's just there at the beginning?
The writing is clear, in the sense that I found no confusions, at all, but there is a slight feeling of overwriting, especially at the beginning. You do lay on the adjectives and adverbs a bit, and sometimes lapse into personification' the unwilling soap' , can't remember the others now, which lets down the tone. That may be a question of taste though, so others could think differently.

Hi Tom
To me 'chick lit' suggests a slightly younger, more frivolous appeal. I think you should just call this 'fiction' because it won't confuse people and certainly won't put anyone off.
Re my other comments I wasn't at all suggesting that Tom is dull as Dorothy might have misunderstood me, just that you present him to us as someone who doesn't have anything special about him. But he does have something interesting or you wouldn't be writing about him and wanting us to read about him. Perhaps the description could be left until he's done something to interest us so that we realise he's an 'ordinary Joe' but he's a dreamer, he's a lover, he's a political thinker - all things which might make me want to know more.
Thanks for visiting my book, I'll put my reply to your comment there so as not to confuse things here!
And I'll be back to read more about Tom at some point - so many books, so little time...
K

Oh dear! Can someone explain what 'chick lit' means? 'Chick' is a dated term which any woman must find insulting, and significantly more offensive than men would find the term 'lad'. 'Lit' I assume is short for 'literature'. In my experience, women read more books than men and women talk to each other about what they've read. The 'appalling' Barry mentions this in Chapter 1 and it should be obvious that Tom and Lucy have often discussed books.
I'm looking for a tag that suggests my story might appeal to women who enjoy reading contemporary fiction. I don't want to call this 'womens' fiction' because it isn't, but I do want women readers.
Is KR right to say that the content is too literary for 'chick lit' and plot is too 'chick lit' for literary? I don't think so but then I'm advocating a higher standard of chick lit deserving a better label.

Thanks for the comments others have made; I'm still digesting these.
David

I've only read the first few paragraphs and totally agree with the genre comments already made. I clicked on this expecting a low-brow chick-lit read and found myself in a much more literary piece. That's not bad - just the wrong genre: go for straight fiction.

Hi David,

I think you definitely have something with possibilities here. I would agree with KR that the genre issue is a bit confused. It's not like any chick lit I have read. It is general fiction as far as I can tell. I'm only up to the first chapters. If it is not crime fiction then it really ought to be as the covincingly repellant and self-indulgent Barry is just begging to be bumped off.

I wouldn't agree that the main character is necessarily dull, rather that he is an average guy trapped in a dull existence and lacking the momentum to do much about it except indulge in the odd fantasy.

re character - I was also surprised to find out he had had affairs with married women as he totally does not seem the type and is clearly going for the moral high ground in his conversation with Barry. Mind you, people always do seem to manage to find some kind of justification for themselves in these scenarios but rarely for others, so perhaps this double standard is fair enough.

Sorry to be repetitive but the long-defeated carpet comment caught my eye too. Excellent imagery.

I'd certainly agree with Lexi that Tom comes over as being a little wet but I expect he is going to develop as the plot unfolds. I suppose that after being married to someone like Barry, Tom would seem deep and sensitive by comparison. It is all relative and there really is no accounting for taste when it comes to physical attraction.

I'll be interested to see where you are going with this.

Best of luck,

Dorothy

Some good writing here; ‘the long defeated stair carpet’ appealed to me, and you give a good feeling of place. I’d like to warm to the characters more. I don’t much like either Lucy or Barry – I think they are a good match for each other – and I wasn’t sure if you intended this. And Tom is a little wet, and dreadfully arch when he refers to ‘naughty Mr Greene.’ He seems to let things happen to him. I was left feeling Lucy must be desperate indeed to look his way...

I felt the conversation with Barry, while convincingly written, could be more effective if trimmed so it conveyed just the essential information. And again, Tom lacks any principles (except the vague left-wing ones he displays in chapter two). One thought, which might scupper your plot; couldn’t Penny have kept in touch with Barry by email?

I think Tom ought to let the wasp out.

(Did you know you have a problem with your chapter headings after the first one?)

Hi, your pitch drew me in but I'm confused by your first chapter. The writing is a bit 'literary' for chick lit but, so far, the plot is too 'chick lit' for literary. I think 'chick lit' is the wrong tag for this as it gave me the wrong impression. I really like the idea of the political and the Greene allusions and connections and I'm sure I just started reading on the wrong foot as you'd labelled it 'chick lit' although I can't remember what the other options you could use were. Anyway, I hope the following comments will be some use to you.

I'm not sure your opening paragraph gives a strong enough hook. It's a very long first sentence and you're starting by telling us your hero is dull! Second paragraph is very visual (not sure about 'airless trees' though) but nothing's happened yet. I loved the 'long-defeated stair carpet', it's the kind of humour that's been lacking so far which lifts the description. You do it again when comparing the marble hotel floors and brown carpets at home. I like that kind of detail and it tells us something about Tom too. Cutting some of the –ly words might lift the description as well, in one sentence you have accusingly, seemingly and angrily. Then using a mirror reflection to describe our hero's rather unlovely face is a bit clichéd and it's yet more description when I'm craving some action.

When Lucy started describing Tom's supposed womanising it struck an odd note as I hadn't imagined him as that type of man from the opening paragraphs. Of course, she was probably teasing but your readers are desperate for character notes by now, I was clutching at anything that would make me interested in Tom so Lucy's representation of him is great, just be careful if she can't be relied on as her's is the first opinion we've heard. Tom should protest more if it's unjustified. And thank you for Barry and Lucy's marital problems, things have just got interesting!

I thought Barry's monologue about Carter USM was overdone but then I know the song.

I had guessed that Tom had feelings for Lucy in chapter one but the strength of them in chapter two surprised me, I think you could show a little more of him thinking that when he's telling Barry what he thinks of him deceiving Lucy.

Chapter two whizzed by because there was so much action, I do think you should trim a bit of chapter one's descriptive passages and give us more on Tom's character there. I think you've got a great idea here but you perhaps need to decide on your target audience and then pitch your hook, your narration, etc accordingly. Sorry I haven't time to read on at the moment.

The book I've uploaded here also starts with the main character returning home from abroad and I'd be interested in your thoughts on how I handled the scene if you can spare the time to take a look. Thanks. K