A Dark Horizon

Sorry - no time for proper comment, but most enjoyable and backed with pleasure, Barry
(Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

Janine,

This is a great premise, one of the strongest I've seen. We can see, through your writing, the dilemma she is in. I'm very glad to see you have worked in the angst she feels over her father. She wants to save the company he entrusted her, but she's angry inside over the fact he left her a failing company. Then, the marriage proposal. Great stuff.

I would suggest editing tighter. (We can call do that.)

Backed.
Mark

Hi, this is so good. Loving what I have read so far. Backing and gonna read on. Good luck and best wishes! Stephanie (Emily-Jayne).

Janine,

Oooh poor Rachel! I'm loving your characterization so far, this is a great story and i'll keep reading over the week :) Giving you a backing to try and get rid of your red arrow - this deserves more readers and I'll recommend it to a couple of other people! I enjoy a thriller / romance when done right, and you have a very literary quality to your prose. Great work!

Melanie x

Ha. I think this is hilarious. I love Rachel's dilemma and the conversations she has with her friends. This story really makes you think. If you could attain instant riches through marriage, would you? Love the idea and the characters. WL.

Comments on Chapter 1...

It's a good idea for a story, trying to keep a struggling company afloat in a struggling economy, and thus the temptation to marry your way out of it becomes greater. That said, I struggled with the amount of exposition and back-story you've dropped into the narrative. I'm wondering if perhaps you've started at the wrong point? Would it be better, perhaps, if we, the readers, were introduced to Noel BEFORE the whole marriage proposal comes about? That way, you could more readily insert some of the details about him and his company more naturally into the story.

What I would suggest is you go through what you have, and ask yourself two questions about EVERY line.

Does this convey information important to plot and/or character?

Does this tell the reader something he doesn't already know, or can't guess from inference?

If the answer is no to both, then consider deleting the offending line. In doing this, I think you can smooth out some of the difficult to digest expository lumps, those that you can't break up and spread about more thinly.

Quibble: try and reduce the number of "was" and "were" type sentences, which run the risk of being indirect and/or passive. They are technically correct, but can sound a bit same-y.

Best wishes with this.

Regards,

TomW

A Dark Horizon,
Janine,
This is a great story. What a dilemma Rachel is in. I think you've got a great start. I'm leary to give you a critique since you've already self published this, but I think you have great talent. For me I'm here to better my craft and I welcome all suggestions. I hope you do to.

The first thing I noticed is the POV's...you jump from one person to the next quite frequently. Most people don't write in all pov's - they usually stick to one per scene. (here are just a few examples)
"Did you accept?" he asked as as afterthought (this is Joseph's POV)
"It wasnt' like that.."Rachel said this...but this paragraph is much of Joe's pov.
Noel thought triumphantly - very much his pov.

I also noticed there seemed to be a lot of telling, and explaining. (I just finished my first book (Riley's Gift) I was lucky enough to find a writing coach/mentor who helped me to learn so much. My first draft was practically scrapped, when she told me it was all telling, then she told me the pov's were all over place. Then she asked me, "Krista, do you think your reader is stupid? Because you seem to explain everything, leaving the reader nothing to figure out." I was disheartened. But I learned quickly and was able to fix it and tighten it up and make it much much better. (only took three months too)

The other thing I noticed is you could use "Rachel" less often.
Also it helps me to use the word find and search for frequent words... we all have our favorite words, you like to use "that" an awful lot. (mine are, almost, just, very... they go on forever) I love the word search..it's a life saver.

Please don't be discouraged, all the things I mentioned can be developed. My comments are not to disuade you from your talent. I know you have a gift to writing, it was given to you. It's our responsibilty to sharpen it and be the best we can. I wouldn't bother writing all this to you if I didn't believe in your work.
Best wishes to you and keep writing..
And of course you'll be on my shelf.
~Krista Darrach
-Riley's Gift

Backed because this is the story of so many women around the world and it should be heard. A country rapidly spinning out of control, someone who was never prepared to "fend" for herself in a man's world (rachel worked in a boutique and was never trained to take over the family business, had she been a son she would have been groomed her entire life to be at the helm) and a rich older man who takes advantage of the situation.

I guess you can already tell I love your premise :) and I'm glad I can support your book even if it's only by offering Authonomy shelf space. From a writing perspective, I would suggest tightening up the text by reducing repetitions, doing your best to avoid using "was" or "to be" and things such as "a few hours later". This is something every writer has to go through and I know you’ll get to a great place with this tale.

Hope you don't mind me saying this and wish you the best of luck!

Dania (The It! Refugee)

Hi Janine,

Great pitch. The repetition of A tycoon had just… I didn’t feel it was necessary. The once will suffice. Just my opinion. I think you have an intriguing story here that was easy to read. Great use of dialogue, but I felt as though I wanted a little more from Rachel’s reactions. She’s very convincing all the same. I sense there’s something about to happen between her and Joseph as he apparently likes her and she seems to feel the same about him. It’s very interesting.

Very well written. I wish you all the best.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Here at ch 2; finished. I read every word in this chapter. It was excellent. You showed such wonderful feelings afillated with Ratidzo worrying about her finances and the part about her child playing with the only food left really touched me. Her friend coming with a bag of food left me with a good feeling and this is good for a reader to feel. Your writing in this chapter is absolutely excellent. I really enjoyed it.
I will indeed return to read more of this story to see where you take it.
I did see a few typo's and confusing words in a sentence, but hey I was so into the story I didn't want to stop to detail them out, but I'm sure you'll see them when you re-read this chapter.

Janine,

Yep, it’s enjoyable. Since this is already published there’s no point in me picking up on typos, so I didn’t look hard – actually, I can’t recall meeting more than one or two. This is a good story – characters are coming together (but with only 3 chapters read it’s hard to really say...looks okay, though) and the dialogue helps there.

This is certainly one that’s out of the ordinary, and I found myself trotting along at a decent pace, keeping up with the story. Because of that, and because it’s clear you can write well, I’ll back this now.

Best of luck,

--Jack Ramsay (Brogan's Crossing)

Having just finished reading chapter one, I have to say, I can see you have good story to tell. You have good dialogue and show the confusion Rachel has about marrying someone with money well. I think if you tighten the story up a bit, you will end up with a good book.
If you don't mind a few good constructive feedback, I suggest in the very first line of this chapter You put Rachel in place of 'she' and where Rachel is now, put 'she'

I will be back to read more.

Hello Janine,

You have a compelling story here that is a well-written and has a good balance of plot action, characterization, action, and dialogue. You did a good job crafting characters that relate to one another believably and used narrative effective. The pacing is fast. I enjoyed the manner with which you wrote the story, using your word-building skills, effective setting and deep dialogue to suck the reader into the story.

Except for a few typos that suggest more polishing, this is a compelling story. going back, I recall this typo:
....The negative attitude her empolyees had (towards) her made things even worse.....

This is a story that deserves a spot on my shelf.

All the best.

Janvier (FLASH OF THE SUN)

Thanks Pattimari, I'll definitely be checking out your novel.

Hi Janine, I just read your pitch and find it an interesting one, therefore I am putting it on my WL to dive in and read later tonight or tomorrow morning. By the way, welcome to authonomy. I noticed you recently joined.

I invite to come on by and check out my novel: TIme Heals, Forgiveness Mends.

Pattimari

Hi Janine, I just read your pitch and find it an interesting one, therefore I am putting it on my WL to dive in and read later tonight or tomorrow morning. By the way, welcome to authonomy. I noticed you recently joined.

I invite to come on by and check out my novel: TIme Heals, Forgiveness Mends.

Pattimari