Book Jacket

 

rank 2804 (-87)
word count 28616
date submitted 12.06.2009
date updated 01.02.2010
genres: Romance, Historical Fiction, Young ...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Masquerade: A Blood Kindred Novel

Rika Ashton

 

Hidden secrets. A possible murder. Matchmaking grandmas. Scandalous, well, scandal. And last but not least, the romance of a lifetime. Let the masquerade begin!

 

Debut author, Rika Ashton, tells a tale of the ultimate deception, passion and romance...

Lucien Castello, a former student of Oxford and the heir to a weathly dukedom, has been ordered to commit the most grevious of deeds...GET MARRIED! But if that wasn't enough, someone has also been sabotaging his secret empire. Really what's a man to do?

Enter Jade...

She is Lucien's every wish fulfilled and the perfect wife to boot...only she refuses to surrender her independence for anything! Jade knows that marrying Lucien would mean revealing the very secrets she has worked too hard to conceal, yet the young duke-to-be is proving far more persistent that she would have imagined.

And so the masquerade begins...

(Complete at 90,000 words--partial, uneditted draft posted.)

 
 

tags

comedy, damon, duke of ravenswood, gabriel, historical, jade, love, lucien, regency, romance, venasia, vincent

on 11 bookshelves

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Chapter One

 

London, England 1817

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lord Lucien Ezekiel Castello laid back against the chaise lounge in front his father’s study desk. He heard the loud cracking of thunder outside. From the corner of his eye he could see a flash of lightning. Still, the storm brewing outside the window was nothing compared to what he was facing inside his fathers study.

 

He took a moment to contemplate his fathers expression. In all his two and twenty years he had never seen so many different shades of red as he saw now, flickering across fathers face. Although, he had to admit, it was probably not wise to show any outward amusement as he was already in deep water with no conceivable chance of getting out.

 

Closing his eyes, he replayed the days events.

 

It had all started with a desperate attempt to alleviate his current state of ennui. After carefully forging a letter, which was meant to be from his father, Gabriel Castello, the Duke of Ravenswood, that dismissed him from one week at Oxford, he had gotten involved in a tavern brawl. And even more unfortunately, the administrators at the university had been more worried about their reputation, if word got out of the incident, than what his father would do to him when he got home, leading them to promptly expel him from Oxford.

 

What the devil were you thinking?

 

The sound of his fathers voice had Lucien snapping his eyes open. He opened his mouth to reply, but didnt get the chance as his father continued his tirade.

 

No, Ill tell you what you were thinking. You werent thinking at all. You gave no thought to your own safety or how your behaviour would reflect upon the familys reputation.

 

Pausing, Gabriel turned to his eldest son. When Lucien had arrived unannounced at the ancestral estate with a letter of expulsion, Gabriel could have cheerfully strangled his son and heir. He supposed this was how his own father had felt when Gabriel, himself, had been Luciens age, and came home after one of his many larks.

 

Realizing the situation was further deteriorating, Lucien quickly said, Father, I am extremely sorry and to prove it I will explain everything to mother myself.

 

Gabriel almost smiled at his sons last attempt to rally a supporter. He knew full well that Lucien would twist the chain of events, such that he would come out looking a victim of tragic fate and his mother would no doubt take his side against Gabriel.

 

No, need, my boy.

 

Gabriel nearly laughed aloud as Lucien realized his last hope at escaping the situation unscathed was taken from his hands. Ill be the one to talk to your mother. Of course, well have to wait until she comes back from Bath.

 

Lucien eyes widened to the point where Gabriel thought if they got any wider theyd pop out of his head.

 

B-bath?

 

Why, of course, shes visiting your grandmother, you know how that always puts her in such an amiable mood.Gabriel finished sarcastically.

 

Luciens normally sun-tanned skin turned stark white making his pale blue eyes look dark in comparison.

 

Gabriel studied his son and thought about how similar they were, not only in temperament, but in looks as well. Both father and son possessed the same regal height of slightly over six feet. And, although, Gabriels own eyes were an unusual auburn that appeared red, he and his older son shared the same golden hair and skin. And even though his son often dressed in white like an angel, he was far from it. Gabriel thought of how much trouble he had given his own father at Luciens age and just about groaned at what his fate was to be. Even worse, Lucien had a twin. Although, Lucien and Damon are fraternal twins, Gabriel mused, and held onto the stray thought like a talisman.

 

As if summoned by his thoughts, the study door swung open to reveal his younger son, Damon. A dark contrast to his older twin, Damon had an affinity to dress in black, although on him it never looked sober. Rather it gave him an air of mystery.

 

Damons auburn-red gaze landed on his brother before moving towards his father. Moving like a shadow, he walked towards the chaise, raking a hand through his ruffled jet-black hair.

 

I heard Lucien had an unfortunate accident at a tavern,Damon looked towards his brother and gave him a challenging smirk before continuing. So, naturally, I came rushing home to make sure my favourite brother was alright.

 

Im your only brother.retorted Lucien.

 

Before Damon could reply, Gabriel asked, Why are you here?Then paling at the thought that had come across is mind said. Please dont tell me you have been expelled from Oxford as well. I dont think my heart can take it.

 

Very well, then I wont tell you. Ill go tell mother.replied Damon, without missing a beat. By the way, where is she?

 

Gabriel gaped at his younger son, Clearly rendered temporarily mute.

 

Lucien deciding to take advantage of the opportunity, took his leave. He sauntered out the study door, shutting it firmly behind him, and into the corridor. Halfway down the hall, he heard his father shout.

 

Damon Dimitri Castello, I am going to strangle you!

 

It seemed his father had found his voice.

 

aaaaaa

 

Lady Erika Jade Ashton had learned many things about her Uncle Alec, since the time he had become her legal guardian three years past. But this was the first time she had heard him sing. It was an experience she could have done without. Unlike her father who had been graced with the talent in abundance, her uncle had the same singing capabilities as herself.

 

None at all.

 

Which was not to say Alexander Ashton, Earl of Deveridge, lacked all other social graces. In fact, he could play the pianoforte quite exceptionally and dance without stumbling every second step. All of which she could not seem to grasp.

 

Dressed as he was today in his white linen shirt, royal-blue waistcoat and black trousers, the earl was an uncommonly handsome man. Only in his mid-thirties and still considered marriageable, he often fell victim to matchmaking society mothers whenever he stepped out of his London townhouse.

 

Jade, please!

 

Jade turned toward her cousin, Mariah, who lay in bed. She was wrapped in blankets tighter than a Christmas present. Having succumbed to the sniffles, she was painfully tired. Her gold eyes weary and mussed red hair was a clear contrast to her normally cool and composed self. Uncle Alec had, unfortunately, taken to heart the thought of helping her feel better. His idea:

 

To sing Mariah a lullaby to help her sleep.

 

Which would have been brilliant but for the fact Uncle Alec couldnt sing. Jade looked at her uncle who, oblivious Mariahs plea, was in the midst of a very off-key and high-pitched verse. His eyes shut tight and his body swaying to a rhythm only he could hear.

 

Signaling Mariah to close her eyes and feign sleep, Jade walked to her uncle.

 

Uncle Alec, Mariahs asleep. We should go now.She whispered.

 

I used to sing my mother to sleep whenever she was ill. Said it always made her feel better knowing I was close.replied Alec, opening his cobalt blue eyes, which were so like her own. She always fell asleep quite rapidly when I started the lullaby.

 

I wonder if she was pretending to be asleep so you would stop, thought Jade, silently. But aloud, she replied with an innocent, Of course, she is lucky to have such a talented son.

 

Indeed, she is.Alec seemed lost in thought for a moment. Then ruffling his chocolate brown hair and smiling down at Jade said. I believe I promised you a trip to the bookstore.

 

Immediately excited, Jade aimed a brilliant smile at Alec, and with a quick, Ill get my cloakrushed out of the room.

 

aaaaaa

 

As Jade stepped into the Temple of the Muses, on Finsbury Square, she was once again amazed by the sheer number of books it housed. Standing several stories tall, it was clearly the largest bookstore she had ever laid eyes on The walls were lined with bookshelves. Not a single one empty. The circular desk at the center of the first floor had a stack of books so high it nearly reached the ceiling.

 

It was also quite busy. The first floor was packed with people. Some were honestly searching for reading material, while others had just come to socialize.

 

Well, miss, shall we continue the search?

 

The question had come from her maid, Dolly. Dolly was her chaperone, while Uncle Alec took a detour to his tailors. Unlike her previous maid, Dolly was an earnest, quite like-able individual. In her simple black and white servants garb , she looked like a diminutive doll. With her curly brown hair and guileless brown eyes, she was also quite pretty. Best of all she could read and write. Jade had personally educated her in the art of the written word.

 

Yes, but Im thinking it would be faster to split up, since Mariahs not here to help.Jade paused to pick a manuscript that lay forgotten on the floor after quickly studying it she placed it on the center desk. I think you should continue the search on the second floor, while I go on to the third. We can meet back here in an hour when Uncle Alec comes back.

 

But Im not supposed to leave you by yourself.Dolly said warily, before adding. Lord Deveridge will be upset.

 

Nonsense, Ill handle my uncle if he finds out.Jade said impatiently. Now we have to start looking of we wont find them.

 

Them happened to be volumes two and three of a novel that Jade had come across on her previous visit. The novel, Emma, was by an anonymous author published two years back in 1815. It was a vastly romantic novel that both Jade and Mariah had thoroughly enjoyed reading, however without the last two parts they wouldnt be able to find out how it ended. And the book clerk didnt remember where he had placed the last two volumes.

 

Parting ways on the staircase, Jade continued on to the third floor. Upon entering she noticed it was similarly packed with books like to first floor, but lacked the round counter in the middle. Instead, it had small reading chairs and chaises near an unlit fireplace. And it was much dustier than the other two floors.

 

Walking towards the first shelve, she began her search. These books looked older than the ones found down below. Out of the corner of her eyes she caught a glint of gold. Looking up, she saw that it was from a key attached to a book.

 

Almost as if under a spell she began walking towards it. Climbing the ladder leaning against the shelf, she reached for the book. But her hand was a hairbreadth too short. Impatient, Jade stretched on the tips of her toes and tried again.

 

Got it!She exclaimed excitedly. Only to let out a breathless shriek when she came toppling off the ladder a moment later.

 

Her eyes closed she waited for the impact of her rear hitting the ground.

 

It didnt come.

 

Instead she felt someones arms come around her as she was saved.

 

Opening her eyes she found herself staring into the palest blue eyes she had ever seen in her life. Their owner was a handsome boy who seemed to be a couple of years older than herself. His unruly gold hair created a perfect foil for his golden skin. A gold loop gleamed in his left ear giving him the look of an arrogant jewel thief or a pirate. However, judging from the quality of his waistcoat, shirt, trousers, cravat and tailcoat (all of which happened to be white), he was obviously a member of the elite.

 

You should be more careful.The stranger with the beautiful eyes said. Jade noticed he had a beautiful voice to go along with his eyes. Are you hurt?

 

Jade just stared at him.

 

Ah, speechless in my godly presence. I dont blame you. I, too, would fall on my knees in worship, if I met someone as charming as myself.

 

Her beautiful saviour was insane. And he was holding her. It was just her luck to be rescued by someone who had run away from Bedlam.

 

But, alas, finding someone as wonderful as myself would be near impossible.

 

Abruptly coming to her senses, she interrupted. Um, thank you, but Im fine. You could put me down now.

 

She said it as gently as possible. She had once read that a person had to be as placid as possible with someone not in their right mind. Her eyes darted around for the nearest exit.

 

Unperturbed, her rescuer set her down. Seizing the opportunity, Jade straightened her simple pastel-blue muslin gown, grabbed her book and fled from the room.

Chapters

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Rika Ashton wrote 393 days ago

For those of you who pointed out the typos in the story: thanks for the help with the editting. I'm still working on it, but I've posted this link for the Masquerade book trailer if you're getting impatient with the wait.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmsVqfGSBJ0

(Copy and paste into your browser if your curious.)

-Rika Ashton

Sheilab wrote 437 days ago

Hi Rika
I've read the first three chapters and enjoyed this immensely. It's great fun and a good example of a historical romance. Shelved
Sheila

Monique O'Connor James wrote 428 days ago

I'm not usually a fan of historical fiction, however the quick prose and short paragraphs move this along so quickly that I don't feel bogged down in the story. It is truly delightful. Also, your characters are easy to become acquainted with, due to your delicious descriptions of them! I haven't finished the read but am I feeling that Lucien feels that he's in his brother's shadow, even when its something as horrid as getting tossed from school? I felt that from him in the first chapter. I'm off to read more now, but I wanted you to know i'm backing this on the strength of your first two chapters!

Delicious!

Monique O'Connor James
Jamais Vu

TheatreGirl wrote 432 days ago

Dear Rika,
I think you have taken a fascinating premise (regardless of the historical setting) of arranged marrige, and you've elegantly created a lovely story. Although I am a fan of historical fiction (thanks to Authonomy), I am not a historian. But I appreciated and felt the culture of the time, and your characters came alive to me. Your opening paragraph was perfect - an image, an analogy. Storms were coming - great pitch into the story.

I love the simple style, short paragraphs, pacing. In this way, your book feels very different from the historical fiction I've read on the site. I feel like you're using a very modern, commercial style to write about historical time. But what's wrong with that? It makes for a great story, and you will attract an audience that is broader and perhaps less interested in the historical aspects.

Jade is awesome - a strong girl, who would make an impact in any historical period. I guess what I feel is that your work transcends historical fiction and is just an enjoyable read about real people, facing real challenges, and hopefully discovering real love.

Brava!
Shelved,
Lizzi
(Dionysus)

TheMoorecroftDazzlers wrote 41 days ago

Hi Rika.

You have an excellent voice. A very fun read!

I noticed a POV shift in the first chapter from Lucien to his father. You might find it more effective to remain in Lucien's throughout the open.

There's some word housekeeping bits like "two years back in 1815" , which I'm sure you're tightening anyway, as you're in editing. :-)

Liked it! Thanks for sharing!

ipaintwithwords wrote 88 days ago

The aaaaaaaa was a bit funny lol. nice way to break the tension. I loved the voice of the narrative as well as the voice of the characters. Good story here as well. Backed.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

amiblackwelder wrote 234 days ago

I just simply adore this story. love the premise and all the detials. There are typos and some other language erros you can work on, trimming the fat so to speak, but it is a great begininng and I hope to see it published some day!

Maggie P wrote 251 days ago

Hello Rika, love this book, it will appeal I'm sure to anyone who enjoys a good period yarn. maybe you could have a look at mine ?(if you haven't already) Best of luck with it, Maggie P. (Llangorfan)

Lady Calverley wrote 258 days ago

What a lovely confection this is-- I do enjoy a historical romp, and this is so much more light-hearted and fun than my usual fare of cruel deeds and bloodletting. Well done and good luck with it out there in the wide world-- how lovely to have a trailer! Shelved.

Ruth/Base Spirits

bluewriter wrote 260 days ago

What an easy and quick read. The book pulled me right in. I loved it. The pace felt right, not too slow. Shelved.
Jenny

Jupiter Echoes wrote 260 days ago

even though written for young adults, i enjoyed the first chapter of masquerade. YOur talent is evident, and i wonder why there are is so little recent input.

Good luck with Masquerade.

BACKED

Leira Gregory wrote 260 days ago

This sound interesting, I'll be sure to read it over

L. Gregory

C.P. wrote 365 days ago

An enjoyable afternoon read. Well paced and humourous characters. You have talent with the pen.

Little nits

‘In all his two and twenty years he had never seen so many different shades of red as he saw not, flickering across his father's face.' I don't think you need ‘flickering across his father's face.' We already know he is contemplating his father's expression.

Point of view switches from Lucien to his father. Do you want the reader in both heads?

Who is Jade's cousin? The one her unmarried uncle sings to sleep. Is it his born out of wedlock?

‘Now we have to start looking of we won't find them.' I think you mean or we won't find them.

Good luck with this. I will put it on my shelf for a bit. C.P

Margaret Anthony wrote 375 days ago

This is fun to read and your delivery is quirky and amusing. I do have a slight problem which is that you have termed this historical fiction which does mean there are some inaccuracies like dress for the period and some terminology too. But it really is trite of me to make much of them and I'm sure they are easily corrected if neccessary. It doesn't detract from what is essentially a well written story. Your dry wit gleams through your story telling and this made the whole an enjoyable read which I'm happy to shelve. Margaret.

Sandie Newman wrote 380 days ago

Rika this is brilliant you have totally immersed yourself in the period and made it easy for us to understand and you even made forging a letter sound like something that was completely normal, it's funny, intelligent and very well written and immediately shelved.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Betsy wrote 383 days ago

Hello Rika, I have really enjoyed the book so far. Great atmosphere and characterization laced with humour. Backed. Jacqui Christensen (William's Revenge)

Rika Ashton wrote 393 days ago

For those of you who pointed out the typos in the story: thanks for the help with the editting. I'm still working on it, but I've posted this link for the Masquerade book trailer if you're getting impatient with the wait.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmsVqfGSBJ0

(Copy and paste into your browser if your curious.)

-Rika Ashton

Clipso123 wrote 395 days ago

Hi Rika,

I really enjoyed reading your work. It's humorous with great characters. The only crit I would have is that I am not clear which historical period you are writing in from the start. Otherwise I loved it. Good luck. Definitely backed.

Sara (The Organ Grindr & The Devil You Know)

Redenzione. wrote 403 days ago

Thank god, this is not just another of those pithy romances you get full of cliche's and terrible characters. I adore all your characters, especially Uncle Alec :D And Damon too. This is a clever, well-thought out piece of well-written literature. :D Awesome!

M.

Andrew W. wrote 404 days ago

Masquerade

Hi Rika, This is clever writing, I can't quite work out which way it is going to go yet, but whichever way it does it is clear that characterisation is key for you. The cast is great, quirky, original and awkward. You write humour well and have a great comic timing, a great, pacy piece of thoughtful writing pitched well and resulting in a very enjoyable read - Andrew W.

Rika Ashton wrote 406 days ago

Once again thank you, thank you, thank you for all the great feedback! (I'm working on all the issues as we speak...and I've also decided to add a prologue instead of the flashback.)

Anna Hart wrote 406 days ago

Read the first few chapters and I was hooked. shelved and will be back for more!

Illiana Cruz wrote 408 days ago

Finally got around to reading this and wish I had done it much, much sooner! Loved the concept, characters and era. A few typos, but nothing serious! Shelved!

-Illiana Cruz

Rika Ashton wrote 409 days ago

Thank you all for the wonderful comments and great feedback! I'm going on a short two-week haitus to address some of the major conerns in Maquerade and then update the chapters...

-Rika Ashton

Rika Ashton wrote 409 days ago

Thank you all for the wonderful comments and great feedback! I'm going on a short two-week haitus to address some of the major conerns in Maquerade and then update the chapters...

-Rika Ashton

Lockjaw Lipssealed wrote 410 days ago

Hi Rika,

There is a lot here that is very charming in your characters and storyline, yet there is an almost choppy, chaotic feel to the writing and sentence structure at times. While your story is strong, the flow of the read is often interruted by this choppiness.

Lockjaw

J M Dalhousie wrote 413 days ago

Fab! Well written, fast-paced and beautifully observed. POV a bit shaky in places, as has been pointed out already - (a minor niggle only) Shelved, with pleasure!
JMD
The Alchemist's Heir

selestiele wrote 414 days ago

Hey Rika,

I was only able to get one chapter read at the moment, but I wanted to leave my comments and then come back later and read more. This is my genre, and I've read a ton of historical romances set in the Regency period. Overall, I really liked the story (mine has twins, too, but identical). I like how you set the twins off, not only in looks but in dress. There were a few things I had questions about (though I am NOT an expert and I would strongly suggest talking with our resident 19th century expert MM Bennetts for advice on them...he's fabulous and I may be completely wrong, so please keep that in mind).

- The mens' names seemed foreign (meaning not British, since even British names are foreign for an American *grin*) to me, which threw me a bit. I also wondered if those names were common enough in England in 1817. Even Uncle Alec's name sounded Scottish, and I wasn't sure if that was a common nickname for someone named Alexander (rather than just making it Alex). I've been called on this with my hero's name, as well (I use Evan instead of Ewan).

- You seemed to head hop a bit (which I do rather a lot as well), and it wouldn't be a problem, but you hop into supporting characters' heads, too. I've heard that this is bad, so I'm mentioning it. However, I didn't have a problem following the POV most of the time, so it might not be an issue.

- The description of Lucien having "sun-tanned skin" seemed odd for that time period. Again, I would check with Bennetts on this one. I always had the idea that the higher classes kept their skin as free from sun exposure as possible back then, but that might have just been the women.

- The line that begins "Although, Lucien and Damon are fraternal twins..." seemed awkward. It might sound better if you rearranged and split it into two sentences, like: "Although, Gabriel mused, Lucien and Damon are fraternal twins. He held onto that stray thought like a talisman." (liked the second part of that line, by the way)

- As with all of us, there are some typos in here, specifically punctuation with dialogue (I'm sooo guilty of that, too), capitalization, and random typos. Nothing that can't be fixed with an editor.

I want to state again, I really enjoyed it and I would buy this book for the overall tone and writing (not to mention an intriguing story). It's worth some time on my shelf.

Noelle
Gemini: The Twins

Lynne wrote 414 days ago

This is wonderful. I love Regency romances and I'd like to curl up and have a good read of this. It is just the sort of book I enjoy. It's well written and the characters are well formed and believable. I'm certainly shelving you and want to read more when time allows. Well done.

Kim Jewell wrote 414 days ago

Hi Rika!

Your storytelling is absolutely poetic... The words you choose to describe dialogue, action, characters - stunning. I loved the premise when I read the intro, and was hooked by your writing style. Nicely done! Backed!

Kim
Invisible Justice

klouholmes wrote 414 days ago

Hi Rika, Fanciful and entertaining. The unusual auburn eyes that appeared red caught me and then I like Uncle Alex singing a lullaby until sleep was faked. Is it a joke that Lucien and Damon could be shipped to Australia? You’ve started with some interesting threads – the book that can’t be opened and the key with the maybe-husband, the shipping company and Lucien, new to it but rich, finding out a theft. I noticed a few sentences that you might find for re-write: “What compelled you to forge a letter…” in Chapter 3. This is fun, deftly written, and fits your young adult range. Shelved – Katherine

aislingb wrote 414 days ago

This is great fun. I'm a fan of regency romances and this doesn't disappoint. I would just suggest that you look at some of your longer sentences and see if you can break them up. Otherwise its almost perfect. Shelved.

TomW wrote 415 days ago

Comments on Chapter 1...

This is quite an enjoyable read, and I don't normally go for this sort of thing.

You'll get comments about head-hopping, but as long as you are consistent with it, and continue to do it as smoothly as you do here, I don't see a problem.

I had a couple of issues with superfluous adverbs/adjectives. E.g: "loud crack" - the crack implies it is loud for mine. "normally sun-tanned turned stark white" - the "normally" could go because telling us his face his suntanned tells us it is normally so; as for "stark" I'm on the fence - white could well be "stark" compared to a normally suntanned face. I'll leave that one up to you.

"quite pretty" - a bit indefinite. Be strong, say she is pretty, beautiful, whatever. Leave out words like "quite" or "very" as much as possible - they don't add much to the naked words they modify.

It felt like there was an excess of commas here, but that maybe me thinking of a more modern style. In dialogue I think it's fine, because you're presumably recreating how they spoke in those days. In your prose it makes some of the sentences a bit stop-starty to my eyes, and it doesn't feel like you've done it for rhythmical purposes.

Overall, as I said, I quite enjoyed your characterisation and setting. The dialogue was fine, and apart from the quibbles above, the writing was workmanlike - it gets the job done without calling attention to itself.

I'll give it a run on my shelf. Best wishes with it.

Regards,

TomW

AnnEnglish wrote 415 days ago

Masquerade - Rika Ashton

Please don't be offended if I give you the same comments I give to other unfinished novels whose first chapter is splendid and whose later chapters are not quite so focussed:

(1) You must finish the book. (2) To finish well you must have a synopsis - that is, a plan, a map. (3) When you write to a plan, you will pick out the details that advance plot and develop character. All the rest is "fine writing", that is, flab. (4) Get rid of the flab.

There's a few minor issues of writing technique (for example, pronouns with no referent), vocabulary (words from the wrong century, mostly) and register (for example, I feel that "you don't say!" is unlikely from a servant). A professional editor will sort out those issues in quick time. You must sell the complete novel first..

Best wishes
Ann

AnnEnglish wrote 415 days ago

Masquerade - Rita Ashton

Please don't be offended if I give you the same comments I give to other unfinished novels whose first chapter is splendid and whose later chapters are not quite so focussed:

(1) You must finish the book. (2) To finish well you must have a synopsis - that is, a plan, a map. (3) When you write to a plan, you will pick out the details that advance plot and develop character. All the rest is "fine writing", that is, flab. (4) Get rid of the flab.

Best wishes
Ann

tojo wrote 416 days ago

This is very well done, the pace is perfect. where plots plus mystery abound, which kept me reading twice as much as I would normaly. this is a must on my shelf

Dania wrote 416 days ago

Reminds me of the Barbara Cartland novels I used to steal from my mom's bookshelf when I was little, except yours is smarter and the characters have more depth. Intriguing plot and you describe the times, setting and sociey very well. It feels well researched yet you deliver the information in a clear and understated way, which is the key for good historical fiction, especially for "commercial" readers like me.

Good dynamics and chemistry between Lucien and Jade. The plot line around the book she picked up, as well as her parents are good hooks. Also curious to know more about Lucien's business.

I liked the style and didn't notice anything to flag. I'm not good at picking up typos + you mention you're working on them anyway. The only one I noticed was "chaise lounge" did you mean "chaise longue"?

Glad to shelve.

Shona Kavi wrote 416 days ago

I like this! I found it funny and your dialogue is convincing. Your characters are also quite charasmatic! Not sure if I'm just being wierd but I did sort of feel that your opening paragraphs red a little like a Mills and Boon book which doesn't fit wtih the historical romance genre so much. Will put it on my shelf and try and read more later.
Shona

Kendall Craig wrote 416 days ago

I like historical fiction and romances and so your pitch really appealed to me. And I certainly was not disappointed by the text. You write with a good feel for the period both in terms of the dialogue and the language you employ throughout. Your tone and choice of phrase fits perfectly the time you set this in. Furthermore, you keep it from being over worked for a younger audience so that it is fresh and lively at the same time - not an easily accomplished task! Towards the beginning you included the contraction don't or didn't which was not within dialogue and for me this did not work with the overall style of the writing.
Kendall Craig (The Halo of Delight)

Rika Ashton wrote 416 days ago

Hi, I found your book on my newsfeed and came along for a look. This is really well written and interesting. I do note you have a rogue capital 'C' in your sentence 'Clearly rendered temporarily...'
Also, take out the word 'um'. It adds no real value.
Other than that, I really have no nitpicks. Well done, I'll give this a turn on my shelf,
Cealarenne
THE GUARDIAN OF LESSER THINGS.



Thanks for the great cooment and heads-up. I'm currently in the process of updating the chapters and I hope to have all the typos fixed soon. (Not to mention complete the book!)

-Rika Ashton

Cealarenne wrote 417 days ago

Hi, I found your book on my newsfeed and came along for a look. This is really well written and interesting. I do note you have a rogue capital 'C' in your sentence 'Clearly rendered temporarily...'
Also, take out the word 'um'. It adds no real value.
Other than that, I really have no nitpicks. Well done, I'll give this a turn on my shelf,
Cealarenne
THE GUARDIAN OF LESSER THINGS.

Kenneth Rogers Jr. wrote 417 days ago

This the feel of tales from the Mabinogion, or The Laise of Marie de France. Enjoyable, fun, and shelved.
Later days,
Kenny

Paolito wrote 418 days ago

Masquerade...

Love your title, BTW...and I love your story. Both parties in your romantic couple are delightful. Lucien, in particular, is intriguing because he's not above subterfuge and nefarious dealings to achieve his aims. I'd love to see how that aspect of his personality plays out, but don't have time to read more than your partial (I wanted to, however.)

It's interesting that your pitch doesn't mention the mystery/suspense angle which was an extremely pleasant surprise for me and added an important element to the story. I think you should hint at that element in your pitch.

I think you've studied your history well. For example, I suspect that the details about Emma are correct (although I really have no idea, but they felt correct to me.)

Yes, your manuscript could use an edit, and I recommend that you comb it carefully for typos and misspellings, etc. before it reaches the Editor's Desk. Those things might distract an editor and keep him or her from really seeing how wonderful your story is, and how well you create narrative drive.

I would love to see this one on the Editor's Desk and will buy it when it's published. Really.

Shelved without a qualm.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest feedback because I want my novel to be the best it can be.)

Rika Ashton wrote 419 days ago

I only comment as a reader and this is a good fresh start for historical fiction. The potential rivalry between the brothers has a lot to offer and the frustrated parent acts as the perfect foil. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)



Thanks for the backing!

-Rika Ashton

Rika Ashton wrote 419 days ago

I'm not big on historical, YA, or romantic fiction. Why am I here? I don't know, so, take the comments and quibbles lightly relative to the genres in which I'm not entirely comfortable, but hey, I'm here!

Quibbles:
* A quick stark than almost immediately a flashback. I don't feel as though I had any time to have any feelings worth investing in another start. Whiplash, back into the story. Personally, I don't think you need the backflash. That tidbit of information could have been ingeniously integrated into the conversation.
* I think you need to straighten out, "After...brawl." There was on too many subordinate clauses for me.
* Wouldn't that be "excused" rather than "dismissed"? And dismissed him from what at Oxford? His studies? He was expelled after the brawl?
* Again the next line, "And...Oxford," could be broken up. It may be grammatically correct, but I don't want to start parsing a sentence at the beginning when the story is trying to draw me in.
* I think you need to do an exercise. Try writing that first scene from each of the POVs without the head-hopping going on. See which one serves your purposes better and go with it.
* Nice nod to "Emma".
* After what I consider a rough start, it straightened out.

-rbylina
The only rule: writers write! Everything else is a guideline.



Thanks for the comment and the great feedback!

-Rika Ashton

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 423 days ago

I only comment as a reader and this is a good fresh start for historical fiction. The potential rivalry between the brothers has a lot to offer and the frustrated parent acts as the perfect foil. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Rika Ashton wrote 423 days ago

I'm not usually a fan of historical fiction, however the quick prose and short paragraphs move this along so quickly that I don't feel bogged down in the story. It is truly delightful. Also, your characters are easy to become acquainted with, due to your delicious descriptions of them! I haven't finished the read but am I feeling that Lucien feels that he's in his brother's shadow, even when its something as horrid as getting tossed from school? I felt that from him in the first chapter. I'm off to read more now, but I wanted you to know i'm backing this on the strength of your first two chapters!

Delicious!

Monique O'Connor James
Jamais Vu



Hi,

I'm glad you gave my historical-romance a try, and I'm even more glad you enjoyed it!

-Rika Ashton

Rika Ashton wrote 423 days ago

Masquerade
Rika,
I think you have a great start. I love period pieces and you held my attention and didn't irritate me. LOL
I'll explain. Sometimes when I read regency/period pieces the author uses sooo much flowery descriptions I get lost, or frustrated. I didn't see that here. Which was refreshing. You were clear and concise with the right amount of description.
The only glaring thing I noticed were the POV changes, rather jarring at times (which have been addressed below). Other than that..it's a great story and I wish I had more time to keep reading.
Shelved!
~Krista
-Riley's Gift



Yeah, i definitely need more work on my POV switches, but I'm glad it didn't stop you from enjoying the story!

-Rika Ashton

Rika Ashton wrote 423 days ago

Hello Rika,

I read two chapters today and must applaud you for pulling me in right away with the first chapter. You introduced the reader to a rich collection of colourful characters from Lucien, his father and brother all he way to Jade.

I noticed a few typos though:
...in front (of) his father’s study desk...
....looked at her uncle who, oblivious (of) Mariah's....


Overall, the plot is compelling and the story has a rich and varied setting. Dialogue is effective and the descriptions are vivid.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)



Hi Janvier,

Thank you for the wonderful comment. It's always nice to know when a writer has successfully hooked a reader from the very beginning. And thanks for pointing out the typos, I'll correct them in my final draft!

-Rika Ashton

Rika Ashton wrote 423 days ago

Dear Rika,
I think you have taken a fascinating premise (regardless of the historical setting) of arranged marrige, and you've elegantly created a lovely story. Although I am a fan of historical fiction (thanks to Authonomy), I am not a historian. But I appreciated and felt the culture of the time, and your characters came alive to me. Your opening paragraph was perfect - an image, an analogy. Storms were coming - great pitch into the story.

I love the simple style, short paragraphs, pacing. In this way, your book feels very different from the historical fiction I've read on the site. I feel like you're using a very modern, commercial style to write about historical time. But what's wrong with that? It makes for a great story, and you will attract an audience that is broader and perhaps less interested in the historical aspects.

Jade is awesome - a strong girl, who would make an impact in any historical period. I guess what I feel is that your work transcends historical fiction and is just an enjoyable read about real people, facing real challenges, and hopefully discovering real love.

Brava!
Shelved,
Lizzi
(Dionysus)



Wow, thanks. I'm glad Jade made such a strong impression on you...I'm honoured.

-Rika Ashton

JANVIER wrote 427 days ago

Hello Rika,

I read two chapters today and must applaud you for pulling me in right away with the first chapter. You introduced the reader to a rich collection of colourful characters from Lucien, his father and brother all he way to Jade.

I noticed a few typos though:
...in front (of) his father’s study desk...
....looked at her uncle who, oblivious (of) Mariah's....


Overall, the plot is compelling and the story has a rich and varied setting. Dialogue is effective and the descriptions are vivid.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Krista Darrach wrote 428 days ago

Masquerade
Rika,
I think you have a great start. I love period pieces and you held my attention and didn't irritate me. LOL
I'll explain. Sometimes when I read regency/period pieces the author uses sooo much flowery descriptions I get lost, or frustrated. I didn't see that here. Which was refreshing. You were clear and concise with the right amount of description.
The only glaring thing I noticed were the POV changes, rather jarring at times (which have been addressed below). Other than that..it's a great story and I wish I had more time to keep reading.
Shelved!
~Krista
-Riley's Gift

Monique O'Connor James wrote 428 days ago

I'm not usually a fan of historical fiction, however the quick prose and short paragraphs move this along so quickly that I don't feel bogged down in the story. It is truly delightful. Also, your characters are easy to become acquainted with, due to your delicious descriptions of them! I haven't finished the read but am I feeling that Lucien feels that he's in his brother's shadow, even when its something as horrid as getting tossed from school? I felt that from him in the first chapter. I'm off to read more now, but I wanted you to know i'm backing this on the strength of your first two chapters!

Delicious!

Monique O'Connor James
Jamais Vu

TheatreGirl wrote 432 days ago

Dear Rika,
I think you have taken a fascinating premise (regardless of the historical setting) of arranged marrige, and you've elegantly created a lovely story. Although I am a fan of historical fiction (thanks to Authonomy), I am not a historian. But I appreciated and felt the culture of the time, and your characters came alive to me. Your opening paragraph was perfect - an image, an analogy. Storms were coming - great pitch into the story.

I love the simple style, short paragraphs, pacing. In this way, your book feels very different from the historical fiction I've read on the site. I feel like you're using a very modern, commercial style to write about historical time. But what's wrong with that? It makes for a great story, and you will attract an audience that is broader and perhaps less interested in the historical aspects.

Jade is awesome - a strong girl, who would make an impact in any historical period. I guess what I feel is that your work transcends historical fiction and is just an enjoyable read about real people, facing real challenges, and hopefully discovering real love.

Brava!
Shelved,
Lizzi
(Dionysus)

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