Blood Ties

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Gabriella

I enjoyed it very much, but did wonder, what the point was of her turning up on the doorstep soaking wet. And you taking half a chapter to get the door answered, let her in, and her get dried off....

Why cant she turn up looking stunning, tossing a sheet of vanilla hair over her shoulder as she waiting in the hallway, her emerald eyes flashing a quick lett and right apprasing the room. ... Tall and graceful, clutching a black briefcase, a black chiffon skirt swirling round tanned toned legs.....And him spying her from somewhere, breathless with his insides jiving

That's more of a dramatic meeting in my minds eye.

You cant do much repair work with a hand towel if your drenched......

But that's just my view.....I hate being wet....You know your own story...It's very original....All the best with this...
Shelved..

I love it. I hope you continue to edit and fine tool it to utter perfection. It has such great potential. I'm not saying it's not great. It's great, but I know that when you have talent, you can improve on it. I love the storyline. I love his thoughts.

Chapter two: "yes, I realize that, Mr. Jones" then "my apologies, Mr. Jones. I was unavoidably detained." You don't need both. I wonder if you might start the second chapter with more of a punch. Maybe having her contemplate her father, her tardiness and have the woman come up behind her and say ,'that's where she jumped.' Her contemplation would also be a good place to fill in some details about her, invest the reader in her. There is plenty of other mystery to not leave the reader totally wondering about her father. Not endeared to her father comparing her to walking like an elephant at this point. Maybe you could mention his affection and say it bothered her, but she loved him too much to let it show. But actually, having read on, you might not change a thing at all. Her emotions when he caught her in the west wing was investment enough. Too much information prior to that might taint that interaction. Well done.

In chapter two, 'she'd heard the rumors, but hadn't expected to confront them so quickly (upon her arrival-- could be left off). You may need to search your text for unnecessary use of the word 'that.'

Okay. I didn't know she hadn't moved in yet either, at the start of chapter two. But that may not be important.

As he heads to the west tower, I wonder why he doesn't keep a cane handy, but I'm glad he doesn't. That doesn't seem his style. He's too determined a person, I believe, to use a cane if he can avoid it. I'm putting this on my shelf for the moment, and good luck with it.

Nice first chapter :3 Some of the wording could use a little tweaking, but I really enjoyed it.

Dominic is so in over his head. He's already in love with the girl! Can't wait to see how that turns out.

putting this on my bookshelf.
loved it. i was on the edge of
my chair the whole time.

I just read the first chapter. . . i must say i like it, it makes me want to go on and on and one. . .cant wait to go on. . . .

love it
jayme

Jo Carrol -

I've been told by another CP that I lack descriptions. I do need to work on this desperatly. Thank you for pointing it out. I will go in a layer it up some more.

I am glad you liked the beginning.

Julie -

Thank you for the feedback. The hero is American. "Fake American" I will do better with the dialouge. I better b/c I am a New Yorker born and bred. I have to represent correctly;)

I also will beef up Jan. Have to make sure the heroine is desirable.

Hey I like this! - I'm drawn in, geniunely. I love the way you tell us lots without 'telling us' directly. I've got so many questions which can only be a good thing, e.g. who is she? who is he? who did he murder? is he good guy or bad guy? why is he behind the screen - what's the matter with im? etc. I think it would also work well as a script, looks like a film. Just one point that was less comfortable - his dialogue sounds fake American, if he is American, can you show this some other way? (the use of the word 'freakin' jarred with me). Oh, one more thing, what's not clear is why he fanices her - what's so special about her? can you give us a visual of her earlier on?

And seriously, I hope you do well with it, I liked it,
Julie
xx

Read the first chapter enjoyed it. I liked the pace and the feel makes you want to read on will keep reading.