Worried: A Science Fiction Adventure

Clear from the outset that this will appeal to its target audience:

“Alien ships! What if they aren’t even human? Could the stories be true about another intelligent life form that exists outside Valchondria and Degranon? I’m a scientist; I have to stay open to the possibility. On the other side, I’m in charge, which is the real reason I have to stay open to the possibility...
“Fire at will!” Laaron shouted to Em....
Em fired, obviously catching the massive spacecraft off guard. It exploded, but not without sending one of its crystalline spikes into the Equestar’s hull, tossing everyone from their chairs and through the porous holo-images of the exploded ship.”

But there is a novel twist in the ailments suffered:

“Much had happened since the loss of the virus…since Taldra destroyed the virus to save Valchondria from it. The virus had protected them from disease, but it was killing them.. Now more than ever, Valchondria needed maintaining.”

Loss of memory, intelligence,hearing, colour vision et al

And lots of unusual story twists:

““What?” The implication suddenly struck Nil: Sydra was there to kill her spouse!
“I never agreed with this hidden part of our work, and if Leader knew about it, she would surely try to disband us!” Sydra’s brown eyes revealed both compassion and resolve. “But this is your spouse’s third hospital visit this year, and he’s over forty. He’s on our health-care-strain list.””

With some nice dialogue touches:

“The hands on Telius’s shoulders shot up, and gestured like a Maintainer directing crowd control. “Don’t start! You’ve saved the world enough today. Make that tonight. Not that you should be in the undermall after dark. It’s dangerous, and you’re—”
“Leader’s son? I won’t start if you don’t.” He grinned a little, then returned to the scent that was making his stomach growl. “Who baked docle bread?””

In many ways this is a very different science fiction story. Cleverly constructed and interesting from the start. Backed

You asked for feedback from people who have not previously read 'the original'. I did not even read "The Story so Far" until after reading the six chapters posted.

The first chapter (after "The Story So Far" intro) has too much explaining, which distracts from the flow of the story.

If I may suggest: ch. 1 would make the reader more interested in finding out what happens if we are left to wonder who these people are, what attacked them, and why making an emergency landing is forbidden. (As it stands, it doesn't make sense why they wouldn't want to go to the "home world"). Then leave out (or modify) the bit in ch. 4, so that their approach is almost as much of a mystery to the reader as it is to Taldra and Nil. Is it this damaged ship or what attacked it? [As I said, just a suggestion; it is your story.]

After reading all the chapters you posted, the scenes with the scientists in ch. 3 seem out of place with the rest of the story.

That said, I hope you are planning on expanding that little section that bridges Naldod and Lorfeltez admitting their attraction to each other and dating to show their relationship evolve, not just telling the reader it happened.


Technical issues:

A male is a fiancé; a female is a fiancée. Please fix.

Ch. 1, Lt Em para: who is 'he'? Assume it is the captain, but initial read of the sentence (...but now he could almost see fear...) made me question it.

Ch. 4, near the bottom: "Feed the images.." has regular quotes, not 'smart quotes'

Ch. 6: the parenthetical (five children per team) interrupts the sentence. Is this detail necessary?

Duane,
You're a word technician, your skill in cear evidence with the fleshing out of the storyline for "Worried." It's another twist to the genre dominated by "Dune" and of course the print version of the "Star Trek" series. You have strong chartacterizations very sympathetic and worth cheering on. Thank you for the enjoyable escape into a universe of fantasy and adventure.

Kenneth Edeward Lim
The North Korean

When looking at a book, even on this site, I take myself through the process I'd adopt when buying a book in a store. Cover, title, premise. If those three things don't appeal then I don't look any further. The first thing I'd do Duane is lose the generic book cover. There are many sci-fi books competing on this site and some have some great covers. Check out "The Roswell Protocols" and "The Time Warriors" as good examples. Your book needs to stand out from the crowd to get noticed. Also, the title I think could be improved. If the cover is right then "A science fiction adventure" isn't needed. "Worried" just seems too bland and could fit any genre. How else could you capture the true essence of your story in just a few words? The two titles I just mentioned are clearly sci-fi when supported by a strong cover image. Bradley Wind - also on Authonomy - offers a free book cover service. Check him out. Next the pitch. Now I'm not an avid reader of this type of sci-fi, but the pitch sounds good to me. So let's assume you have a catchy title and an eye-catching cover (important even on Authonomy). The pitch works. Now I don't feel qualified to comment on the story due to not understanding this branch of sci-fi, but ask yourself this - after reading the first few paragraphs, is it capturing you as well as the best novels you've read in the genre. You have to be brutally honest with yourself. If not, you need to revisit the introduction. I hope the above is helpful.

Clive
The Pyramid Legacy

I'm not sure why you have the prologue. The explanation of the genesis of the novel seems to be irrelevant.

This kind of science fantasy is a little outside my usual range although I did read a few novels of this type in the distant past. I like the premise which is quite complicated but that gives plenty of scope for development of the narrative. However, I wonder if it is a bit too complicated at the beginning. As a story, a lot happens which give the narrative forward movement but against that, I felt a little confused at times.

I was also slowed down by the dialogue which, I feel, needs tightening up with some trimming. On the whole, too much is said by each character, some of it superfluous ( such as the penultimate dialogue lines beginning 'There might be some other race . . .' this could be shortened).

Overall, this is an exciting tale but a bit too convoluted. I wonder if you change character perspective too often which certainly adds to the sense of complication.

I'll give you a spot on my shelf for a while.

I did as you asked and started at chapter two. I’m sorry to say I found it all a bit confusing aside from Ardent having seizures I didn’t learn much. I think I’m not the right person to be giving it critique as It’s not a genre I am familiar with so I’m a bit out of my depth. The language is strange to me so I can’t comment on the dialogue. I feel all in all that I have let you down as I don’t really know what to say about it. It could be absolutely brilliant I just don’t know> Wilm1
Knowing Liam Riley

What an imagination you have Duane and right from the off your story grips the reader. Your story is quite complicated for a non-sci-fi person with a lot to take in but I am impressed by your writing style and the flow of the narrative. Backed. Tania, This Last Summer

The plot is exciting and even though this is a sequel, coming to it as a new reader I understood the set up and the world you have created.

I am at odds with the head hopping, though. This makes it difficult to empathise with the characters. I prefer each scene or better still, chapter to be told from one point of view.

I did like the way you have chosen to name your characters and places. So often when reading this genre I become confused and it is the names chosen which are the cause as authors strive to invent wierd and wonderful, out of this world titles.

You are a master at creating characters, all of those who people tyour novel have well defined traits which mark them as different from each other. They are well drawn and believable.

Backed with pleasure, Mary

I read Chapter 2, and liked both Telius and Argen. I felt empathy for Argen because of his vulnerability and fragile status. Nil comes across as potentially bitchy and Taldra is likeable. The concept comes across clear about the colour and also about the virus. My only nit pick if looking for one is the plastic flowers. They always seemed dated in our time, artificial might be more appropriate leaving it open to what material they were made of. I liked the descriptions of the outside with hoverlanes etc.

Altogether an interesting premise and plot contributing to a good sci fi.

Backed,

Lisa

What an imaginative story. Good characters. Good settings. A good read. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Whe Laaron wonders 'Could the stories be true about another intelligent life form outside Valchondria?' the hook to read on deepened for me, the theme veing one which probably attracts universal interest.
You construct a real feeling of heirarchy amongst the ranks and there is a tension within this as well as in the questions that your first chapter poses.
Laaron and Kee are progressively built until I felt I was on board with them while, by the end of Chapter 1, the foundation is plausibly laid to the adventure already described with such promise in the intriguing synopsis.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

I must start by saying, I'm kind of out of my depth for commenting on Sci-fi, all I can say after reading the first couple of chapters because of time restraints is that the writing is very smooth, easy to read and for a minute there I thought I was on board the Enterprise.

Happily shelved

Melxx

An interesting world you're setting up here. At times, though, you give us too much information and it slows down your flow, especially in the first chapter. Despite the urge to fill us in completely, a lot of the physical descriptions aren't important . . . yet. Insert them where they're needed and let the reader find and digest them. They'll get just as accurate a picture. I'm interested in finding out more about this mysterious virus though, and about the time travel.

Sessha

Hello Duane,

Your story is on a very interesting premise and it is well written and intuitively observed. Even though it is sci-fi , its it is a very enjoyable read. Rightly shelved.

All the best.
Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

You've got a good premise and a well imagined world here.

Good cast and interesting action. I'm not a big sci fi reader, but it feels like you have all the right elements in place to pull the audience.

Having said that, I do feel that this can use a strong edit. You're very much on "tell" mode whereas there's a lot to be achieved if you really put us in one of your character's heads and "show" us the world and the story through their eyes. It would make everything a lot more vivid and would bring the characters to life in a much bigger way.

Wish you the best of luck with it.
Dania (The It! Refugee).

Hey Duane,
You have a fantastic imagination, and as an avid Science fiction fan all my life, I was there with you as you described to battle in Chapter one with the holographic deck, and the view from the window of Chp 2 with Loop 289 outside. This is full of life, loved it, would love to see the BBC turn it into a modern "Blake 7".
All the best with this!!
Kent "Twisted Harmony"..not in space, just relationships and growing up!!

Duane! Here for the swap :-)

This is such an unusual read for me, but in a good way! You have so many original ideas and concepts
going on and the delivery is fantastic. Your characterization is very good, and the prose is quite polished. Really loved the dialogue. I will definitely read more of this - so different and such a good read!

Melanie x

I like the world, I like the characters, but I just can't follow your prose.

The names are somewhat of a problem to follow, but you don't need to let your authonmy audience know the names will be explained in context. They'll get, or suggest that it be changed. What really makes this hard to follow is its lack of vivid description. If this alien world of space travel, and laser guns I need a detailed world on the page to draw context from to understand the names and words.

You have a very creative world here, but just needs more information to clear up what everything means in this new world you have created. I'm going to keep you on my watchlist as I read more.
Later days,
Kenny

Hi Duane,

I would cut the online readers part. After that we get straight into the action. The pace is perfect. We’re introduced to some intriguing characters and I have to say you have a great eye for dialogue. It felt natural and was very convincing. It’s what stood out the most for me.

The font changes in chap 2. Not sure if that was intended or not. I felt there was more telling than showing in this chapter. It slows the pace a bit.

Chap 3 moves along more swifly. I love the end hook. It makes you want to read on.

I think there’s great potential here. It’s very well written and has a wonderful set of characters. It’s certainly fitting for you target audience. I think it needs a little polishing but what work doesn’t? You were able to grab my attention and keep me glued to the pages. Well done.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Clear from the outset that this will appeal to its target audience:

“Alien ships! What if they aren’t even human? Could the stories be true about another intelligent life form that exists outside Valchondria and Degranon? I’m a scientist; I have to stay open to the possibility. On the other side, I’m in charge, which is the real reason I have to stay open to the possibility...
“Fire at will!” Laaron shouted to Em....
Em fired, obviously catching the massive spacecraft off guard. It exploded, but not without sending one of its crystalline spikes into the Equestar’s hull, tossing everyone from their chairs and through the porous holo-images of the exploded ship.”

But there is a novel twist in the ailments suffered:

“Much had happened since the loss of the virus…since Taldra destroyed the virus to save Valchondria from it. The virus had protected them from disease, but it was killing them.. Now more than ever, Valchondria needed maintaining.”

Loss of memory, intelligence,hearing, colour vision et al

And lots of unusual story twists:

““What?” The implication suddenly struck Nil: Sydra was there to kill her spouse!
“I never agreed with this hidden part of our work, and if Leader knew about it, she would surely try to disband us!” Sydra’s brown eyes revealed both compassion and resolve. “But this is your spouse’s third hospital visit this year, and he’s over forty. He’s on our health-care-strain list.””

With some nice dialogue touches:

“The hands on Telius’s shoulders shot up, and gestured like a Maintainer directing crowd control. “Don’t start! You’ve saved the world enough today. Make that tonight. Not that you should be in the undermall after dark. It’s dangerous, and you’re—”
“Leader’s son? I won’t start if you don’t.” He grinned a little, then returned to the scent that was making his stomach growl. “Who baked docle bread?””

In many ways this is a very different science fiction story. Cleverly constructed and interesting from the start. Backed

Duane -

I'm through two chapters, and here's my thoughts.

You've done fairly well in trying to flesh out some of these characters. In particular, I find the interaction between Taldra and Nil a very well-done aspect of your writing. I can sense the pressure under the surface of their conversation. Well written.

The circumstances are trying to demonstrate their clarity to me, and it's working to an extent. I'm seeing Valchondria and the stretches of space you're dealing with, so that's working for me.

Here's my problem, though. These two chapters suffer from what I call "expository science fiction info-dump." You're trying really, really hard to show your reader what you feel is important for the reader to know, so in essence your prose is starting and stopping as you're pulling the reader aside to explain these things. It's a lot of information to absorb, and quite frankly I would have to say you probably don't need to give it to us all at once. There's an excess of "tell" going on here, at the expense of your "show."

This isn't hopeless, however. What I would strongly recommend is reading through your prose, finding some of the information that probably doesn't urgently apply to the circumstances, and moving it elsewhere. The other information, that which *is* urgently applied to the situation, can be revealed in other ways. Show us the repercussions of a Degran shp going to Valchondria, rather than rattling off the laws in regards to Valchondrians not allowing outsiders: Show us how differently Telius dresses from everyone else because of his time displacement, but don't immediately tell us about it because Nil reports it soon enough, you don't need to repeat it in expository narration.

It's got promise, but it's got some potholes that you probably should consider filling in. Good luck with this.

Don A. Martinez
(The Advance Guard)