Apricot Juice and other stories

Hi Andrew
Your writing is great, nothing to criticize really. You have the ability to get into character and put together nice little yarns. Obviously the stories won’t appeal to everyone, but hey... I’m guessing you’ve played around deliberately with first and third person, and you cleverly make the different POV stand out. I think it would help the reader to understand right up front who’s story it is (eg Ch4 takes a while to identify the POV). Great descriptions and ways of describing Hamburg and aspects of Germanic culture.
Title: Certainly has a literary fiction flavour (haha)
Short Pitch: Says what it is. Is there a consistent theme worthy of bringing out more? Is there a more emotive word than “downfall”?
Long Pitch: This gets the story across well, and bring out more emotion than the short pitch.
Ch1: The voice comes out strongly from the beginning, which is great. A cynical, not terribly positive sort of character. Not terribly likeable, perhaps, but with something to say. Will the reader want to persist?
There are some expressions you’ve used here which I’m not familiar with (hard and flash) but I am guessing they’re familiar to English? readers.
Some great turns of phrase.
Ch 5: In a few paras you have Nick looked gratefully, marten tutted loudly, Nick sighed tiredly. Be good to vary the structure a little.
All the best with your writing and your next book.
Cheers
Ian

Andrew,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that pops out is the heavy handed anomie of the main character:

I am mad ....I am in pain.... and I am not going to take it anymore.

And so the descriptions and opinions are thrown like confetti on the reader. The result, a highly pix elated psychological map of a man on the edge. That post modern creature that makes "the other" his better self, a literary tradition that goes from Dostoyewsky (i.e. pick your favorite), Hunter Thompson "Fear and Loading in Las Vegas" to Easton Ellis "American Psycho"

There is fury, there is guilt, there is self disgust....you name it...if it kills you...is there

Some of my favorites:

"chain up mentality of having too much"

"mac ed macaw....."

"glaze of madness"

"violent importance"

"stiff with age and spittle..."

"his head bobbing smaller"

"Strange how they always walk...."
This paragraph is very well done. Why? Because here you start compressing your opinions until they create a "boiler plate" effect. In painting is called the all over effect. That is rather than say to the reader...this comes first...this second....you compress and say:

here....take it all at once.

This is kind of style works best for the type of anomie you are trying to create for, if the mind of the main character is a boiling plate, then the literary style must match the mind set.

I also like the landscape-like arc of the narrative. More than plot driven this seemed to be atmosphere driven

I do this...I do that....I think this....I think that...

That is characteristic of post modern writers (i.e. Eggers/Foster Wallace/Safran). And what is does is make language the plot. We read not because we want to know where this character is going to end up (i.e. we pretty much know he is not going to end up well) but because the language, as crystallized in the descriptions/ opinions is interesting and somehow revelatory

Overall wonderful

Hope it helps,

david

The voice seems so authentic, and I noticed no errors of grammar or spelling, except those used for effect. Well done, and I think many people will like this series of stories,. For me the flavour is a little depressing, the voice jaded and cynical, but that doesn't mean that it is not good writing. Marj.

I remember reading this last year - I probably commented and backed it under my old profile. I'm happy to do so again with this new one.

~ Sandie

You have written a very interesting and unique set of stories, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Nick. I also like your use of the first person narrative voice as this allows you to explore his thoughts and feelings. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your stories flow well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

I think this style with interconnected stories which can stand alone or be read in order is what Frank Moorehouse termed "discontinuous narrative". Drop that at the next dinner party when someone asks you what you like to write.

Love the tone and attitude of the narration. Not my usual 'thing' but enjoyable none the less.

- E
Three Red Seeds

You have a great voice and entertaining material. I wish you all the best with this.
I would be happy to back this.
Sana
Saffire Drake and the Three Keys

This book should be higher. I want to back it and I will. You have talent indeed.

BACKED

Hope you get the chance to peek inside The Russian Hat.

warm wishes

Brendan

I'm sorry Andrew, I read and backed you ( I think) a while ago. I was happy to read another story (3) which I enjoyed very much. You're a good writer and have brought Hamburg to life for those of us who don't know the city. Well done and thanks.
best wishes, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Apricot Juice and other stories:

I always enjoy short story collections and this one is for my shelf.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

Definitely a strong, distinct voice to the narrator of the first story. Good flow and rhythm that pulled me along. Took me a moment to remember what marks used to be! Technically the only thing I had a problem with was a tendency to slip into present tense sometimes.
But I stand there gawping...
A little too long as it turns out...
"...how you doing?" he asks.
You do it quite a lot, switching back and forth, which was a little jarring.

i thinkl you have to enjoy the narrator's company for the story to work and generally I did. The depiction of his environment and of his friends (and acquaintances) felt authentic if a little dark (my kind of guy) but I don't think the tense changes made for a very easy flow to it, imo.

Overall an enjoyable read though. Backed.

Andrew: I can go with the short pitch. With the long pitch, I would expand on it a bit. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

I like this book. Nick is a good character to follow on his journey through Hamburg's bar scene. I stopped in Hamburg once n abus tour through Europe. The bus stopped at a souvenir shop instead of a bar. I can see from this book I missed the best part of Hamburg. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I love the gritty realism of this. It's all so immediate and easy to visualise, and Nick makes an interesting character to follow.

Great work and backed with pleasure.

Abi xxx

You display a seasoned ability for vivid imagery in this well-crafted story. But it's the colorful cast of characters that make this a compelling read. Well done. Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

Andrew, I loved your first chapter. Great writing style.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

What a great gritty writing style, read 2 will get back for the rest- sense there's something special here.

Hi,

I have backed you book because I found it eminently readable
and have to cover 25 books a day just to keep my place on here.
If you would like a more specific comment please return the favor.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

Much enjoyed, and sorry, I don't have any suggestions to improve upon. Good luck with this.

Andrew

Hi there. Just read Bernie's Bomb. Great atmosphere..
chilling--on my shelf to read a bit more.
Seems you put your finger on the anguish of these boys.
Left me a little sad though.
All the best with your next book. I'd say be careful narrating..the usual
thing is you describe the thoughts of one character, in relation to the others,
if you go into more heads its confusing...who is the protagonist?
cheers......Mikey

Apricot Juice contains a rich mixture of characters and places described in vernacular language presumably meant to date from some years ago, since Deutschmarks are in use rather than Euros. I'm not too sure what audience this book is aimed at - but for readers who enjoy down to earth language and plenty of flowery analogies this will appeal strongly. I'll give you a backing for their sake, though this style of writing is not really my taste, and I found the [presumably intentional] changes of tense in C1 quite distracting. All the best.

i know hamburg well so these stories had great resonance for me – you conjure up the alluring yet seedy streets and bars with great evocative flair



minor typo: “If the heat was heavy[-]going outside[,] the atmosphere which met me as i pulled open the dschungle’s heavy iron door was fucking gruelling” – my corrections in brackets... also you have unwanted space in atmosphere



pre-mobile phones presumably – still using the deutsche mark – the search from bar to bar to find friends moves at an increasing pace, his frustration/embarrassment with each futile search cloying and adding to already intense and heady portrayal of the area



other stories continue the theme of an almost claustrophobic and dank place – you draw your characters well, their interactions, the hopelessness of their drudgery, their lack of focus and direction



i am backing this for its dark and melancholy study of the human condition in a familiar and brilliantly portrayed location, and wish you well with it

freddie
("honour")

One thing you do extremely well is put us in your MC's head. It feels like we are listening to his thoughts as you talk about Hamburg. It also feels very real - like we're going out to pubs. You capture that awkwardness well that we all feel - going to a table and not being noticed. I thought the main conflict was going to be the MC looking for Michaela, but it not. First Kurt - we want to slap him - out with it! But of course his drunkenness makes that difficult. And then Thorston - love your reaction to ordering Apricot Juice. A conflict between drunks is hard to stop - and you try, but a spilt drink won't even phase. Or an angry barkeep. I guess this is a piece that shows how desperate we can be to hang on to friends - or the find a woman - or blame someone when we don't get the woman. We all have insecurities, and so do all your characters. Quite a ride on an ordinary night. Well done. Shelved. Noticed a few typos - I'll send them to you via message - you can do with them what you will.

I have to say, I like your slightly caustic narrative voice and found the stories both entertaining and well written
Best wishes
Sue

Andrew,

I'm reading this because you recently read and commented on The It! Refugees, by the lovely Dania.

I see you have a PhD in philosophy, which is what my BA is in, so there's another reason to read this. Philosophy grads need to stick together!

An initial thought on your pitch: I'd append what you have in your short pitch to the long pitch and try use for a pithy sales tag. By the way, that's a great cover, right down to the dark nail polish.

Into the work proper. You openly strong establishing voice--a darker, more jaded Hornby perhaps--then slide into scene . . . Striking images (a maced macaw?) are worked into a chatty style of extended interior monologue.

Now I've read all of the first story, without stopping to take notes, my observations are:

--the voice is good, and consistent throughout the piece;
--the descriptions are vivid; and
--a sense of place is created, you are obviously familiar with--and, I suspect, fond of--the areas you write about.

In terms of possible improvements, I would suggest a few areas to look:

--whilst there's good voice, I don't feel that I ever get to know the character, the fact that's he an artist doesn't impact the writing as much as I would expect;
--the pacing, for me, was off in a few places, particularly where you dwell on descriptions that don't directly advance the story; and
--you use a lot of long paragraphs, I'd look to vary that, particularly breaking your dialogue out.

If you can make this shorter and let the reader deeper inside Nick's head, without losing the richness of your description, the strength of your voice, or the vivid telling descriptions (the ones that add to the story) then I think you will have a very good story.

There's room for improvement in all our work, and this is certainly good enough for a spin on my shelf.

Good read. Smart observations, dark humour and a thought starter. You also have a very distinctive voice.
Another thing that I liked is your style. It’s quite eclectic. Sounds like lit fic sometimes but then it slightly changes.
For example the change of tense from past to present with the sentence that starts with “I stood there” and that back to past with “and that was it”.

Glad to shelve it and will come back when time allows to read some more, I feel there’s a lot of depth to be seen from reading all the stories.
Wish you the best of luck with it.
Dania (The It! Refugee)

Andrew
I cannot stop smiling. This is so funny and brimming with wit - engaging style of writing and so insightful into German night-life. Giving it a spin on my revolving shelf space :)
Melanie

Andrew,
I've never been to Hamburg, and only know it from Beatles history (yeah, I know... sad that's the extent of my knowledge of the place). But judging by your first story, I've got an excellent sense of it. Your story is gritty, very well written, so damn witty, and worth publishing. I'll come back for more. Backing it now.
Well done.
Mark

Hi Andrew,

This is unique. I like your writing style, it’s easy to read. I love the narrative voice, it’s authentic and engaging. This is well written and was enjoyable to read.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

HA. Your prose and dialogue is comic genius. "Boring a conversational hole into Kurt's head." Love this. SHELVED for sure.

Andrew
Interesting insight into life in hamburg. I'm not convinced about the start. It struck me as too passive and didn't pull me in. I would start with dialogue then fill in with the description of where you are.
Some mistakes spotted: "...to talk to talk..."
Also look for punctuation before speech and capitalisation at the start of speech.
Good luck it's shelved.
Chris

Dear Andrew, So far I’ve read the first two, and now I understand the significance of apricot juice: Nick’s distaste for Thorsten’s choice of drink is a metaphor for a deeper aversion, not only toward Thorsten and what he represents but also toward himself. Or am I being overly ingenious?

The two stories are quite different, beginning with the setting and the characters (Nick is mentioned in the second, but only mentioned), but there are striking similarities, including a sense of impending violence and finally a violent eruption—literally in the second story.

In both, the narrative voice is a speaking voice: Nick’s and then, though not Al’s, a voice probably much like his. This freedom from the conventions imposed by a literary narrator allow you to use a rawer, more cogent idiom, to convey mood and feeling more directly—it’s as if there’s nothing and no one between the reader and the main character.

Your non-literary approach results in a number of striking images--“Another pissed up night full of empty talk like the lines of empty bottles”—and a syntax that reflects, or responds to, events, as in the long, seemingly unstoppable sentence describing the pub brawl.

This is extremely potent stuff. You are very talented, highly original, fiercely committed writer: for others language is a tool—for you it’s a weapon. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Apricot Juice...

A unique voice, both yours and your MC's. Wish I could remember Hamburg (was there as a child) because it would be fun to read these and have them bring back memories.

Watch out for some tense problems...you switch back and forth from past to present sometimes.

One awkward sentence...search for "as as" and you´ll find it.

Although this isn't the type of work I would normally read, that doesn´t mean it´s not very good. I stay away from bars unless they´re dancing the salsa.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl

Andrew,

I'm enjoying these. Thanks for the good reads. Happy to give you a spin on my shelf.

Heidi

Hey, read Apricot Juice

Reading this I had flashbacks of my high school german classes... The scene's set well, and the characters are described greatly. I can't tell where this story's going, but that happens in short stories. I'll have to come back and look at the others.

Very seducing jacket and title. Not being a fan of short stories it's difficult for me to judge quite how competent this collection is. Perhaps it's just, more of a bloke's read?

Dear Andrew,
Reflections on first story, Apricot Juice:
An insightful birds-eye-view of the Hamburg bars and its denizens.
The language is often marvelous:
"trying to look casual and at ease, as you tend to do when going into a bar to look for people."
Eyes tranced out, suppose for him, a warm smile
"…looks like someone's threaded a needle through the skin in the nape of this neck … thread tight."
So evocative, "stiff with age and spittle and god knows what else."

Smart meditations on the behavior: chewing things over, till it gets weird or mad. And then the MC's dismissed from this dubious group – ouch.

POV police: Though "gawping like a maced macaw" is funny, unless he sees himself in a reflection, he can't know what he looks like. He can assume it, feel it, but not report it as fact.

The voice is authentic, weary and laced with humor. Love his vernacular, ie "got on my tits."

We feel as maddened as the MC, waiting for Kurt to spit out whatever the problem is with Thorsten. Funny, this grade school stuff. He told her that he likes her, etc. With you, the writer aptly making the observation that no matter how old we are chronologically, some of us still act like school children.

Though I seriously doubt that a Hamburg travel agency would hire you to do any puff pieces on the bar scene (!), this is damn good work. Shelved with pleasure.

Hi Andrew, Within Nick’s soured expressions are strong phrases that work for the bar environment. “Thorsten boring a conversational hole into Kurt’s head” and then his “type”, yes, I know about his voice. And “you often encounter piles of cheap fold down tables…” During this section, I could see the sights during the walk outside and the German atmosphere. The misunderstandings – they were funny and having no resolution. Maybe overdone but realistic.

Al story was pretty amazing. You tend to start out with a scenario that is so ordered as it was I’m sure, and then what a bust! The same with the third story. Whatever Nick’s aims are, you’ve shown how he becomes overwhelmed or undone because of the energy around him. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Hi Andrew,
This is well written, but I must admit I'm struggling with the concept of accompanying a character on a long bar crawl through Hamburg, not quite my thing. I do wish you the best of luck with it. Charlotte P

Dear Andrew
I must confess I did not read the entire first "chapter". Something about it did not grip me. However, as far as I read I was interested in the characters But - we get to the end and still don't know the name of the narrator, as far as I could see. Also the "I" person has a lot of thoughts but more expresses them more like an essay than a story. I guess I'm just a "difficult" reader but I mean well. I was put off by 'course and 'least. Later I realized they were contractions - of course, at least. "till didn't bother me though I question the spelling> Until = 'til. I could be wrong about that.
Also - paranoid lock(add-)out, and chain-up.
And a missing word = Say hello to them if you - them.
I don't mean to be discouraging, simply what I consider helpful. I'll put you on my watch list and get back in a day or two. My book is Prides Crossing and if you get to look at it you'll see a version much helped by reader's comments. I know how hard it can be starting out but forge on. I'm sure you'll make it. Edie
I learned a lot by comments from readers and tightened up my book, Prides Crossing, as a result. It's very nice to hear good reports on your efforts, but perhaps

there are some nice touches and turns here and a genuine feeling for the scene you're describing. however in terms of the structure of your story, i found the first chapter rather reflective and long - good qualities later on, maybe but perhaps not the best way to engage your reader at the beginning.

it's an original tone that the NV adopts and i think as a work in progress it has potential.
best of luck
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Andrew, just read your first chapter and my reaction was that you write well and really draw out your characters. Your dialogue is good and true to each character. I am going to put it on my WL now and hopefully come back for more later.

Backed you back!

thanks - nothing like going up in the world :-)

What an easy going style you have sir. It's a fun read. Backed C.P

Hi Keith,
thanks for taking the time to have a look at the book. I've posted the rest of it now if you feel like finishing it.

Cheers,
Andrew

Andrew,

I've read through what you have posted here and the dialogue and characters mesh together good and the story catches your interest right away but it seems to be kind of disjointed right now; not that it can't clear that up in the upcoming chapters, which you should probably add. I will back it from what I've read, which kept me reading and interested and wish you the best of luck with it. I'll be looking for you to add some more in the future, so let me know when you do.

Peace,

Keith G.

First of all, I like the title of your book; it makes my mouth water. smile. I think you've built good characterization and I think it is clever to have included the Beatles. I have every album they sold.
You use interesting words, such as; zigzagging and others, which make the tongue feel good to read them. I like this first story and plan to read on.

Andrew,

I've read through what you have posted here and the dialogue and characters mesh together good and the story catches your interest right away but it seems to be kind of disjointed right now; not that it can't clear that up in the upcoming chapters, which you should probably add. I will back it from what I've read, which kept me reading and interested and wish you the best of luck with it. I'll be looking for you to add some more in the future, so let me know when you do.

Peace,

Keith G.

This is a fun read. You’ve done a good job painting the atmosphere and many a bar fly can relate to the whole bar scene episode. I liked the intro about the beetles being old and what not. Overall your style is fun and funny at the same time . . .Good luck