The Cloud Drivers: The Giant's Storm

Great plot. Good start. I love how unquie your style is. When you are writing for children, which is a big and challeging market it is important to show what is different about your book then anything else. You have talent. Backed.

Not only did you teach my son something, but you also taught me about thunder and lightning :) In this instance, it was the mum who was going this is cool (although Arwyn liked it too). In your story you said that the hot air rises up into the sky, forming the clouds. And as it gets higher it cools, turning the air inside the storm clouds into ice. Then the warmer air melts some of the ice, which falls and starts bouncing and crashing into each other, thus creating the electricity for the lightning and the loud cracks of thunder. After I finished reading chapter 1 to my boy (8) I told my husband about what you had written, and he also learned something new. He summised that this must be why Singapore has so much thunder and lightning storms because of the heat. For a non scientific person (me), you really did make this fascinating...and it's a kid's story. Now, I reckon we need more books like this on the market to teach our kids (and their parents) about nature.

In relation to the rest of your story, I thought the Cloud Drivers was a very original concept. Peter is a good MC, someone that kids can relate to and respect. Plus, it's always good to have a villain to create excitement, someone to defeat. And you have a good one with the giant. I also thought that the characters' surnames were clever, incorporating the cloud names.

Well done - Marita.

Hi Clare,

I have just read the first chapter of your book The Cloud Drivers: The Giant's Storm. Sorry I haven't read more as I didn't want to keep you waiting too long for my feedback.
Firstly I think the idea is great - having worked in a primary school the best resources and ideas come from books and it is always a godsend when you can find a book that makes teaching a subject more interesting. I can see these books being fantastic for getting the children to not only learn about the weather and therefore cover the science element of the curriculum but also I can see it extending to them creating their own clouds and storms in art,music and dance and also writing their own stories in literacy - so it would be a great resource for all areas of the curriculum.

About the book itself I think it is very well written and pitched at the right level for Key Stage 2. I love the names of the characters - especially Peter Altocumulus and the giant Cumulonimbus and can only guess the other characters are just the same. I like the name of the village 'Up and Away' too - it reminded me of a pixar animation film (like 'Up') and I could picture this in that kind of animation as I read it. I like how you use the story of the giant to teach the children about different clouds while also including some good old fashioned morals - like the giant being sent to live on his own and not caring about anyone in the village - again no children's book is complete without a message and this is another good teaching tool. I also like how you get to the problem in the story from the onset as kids get bored easily if nothing interesting happens from the start.

I think you have definately achieved your goal to make a dull subject into something fun and memorable and can see this being read in schools. Also I can see it being adapted for younger children - Reception and Year 1 - with beautiful pictures of clouds and cartoon characters in a series like Thomas the Tank Engine!

I hope that helps!! I wish you luck with your project!!

Susan

Dear Clare, I hope you don't mind, but I read your wonderful story to my three oldest children, [ 10, 7 and 5 ], and it was a fantastical journey of generous parables, which were pleasantly picked up on, even by my little devils. The biggest compliment I can pay you, is that the three that I read too, are hard to capture their creativity. But your book was a blessing in disguise. They were as devious as I was, to learn from your wonderful tale. So much so, in places it took their breath away... Truly! it takes all sorts to write a book, but only those who can gleam across the grammatical idiom of another's ideology, could create something as creative as this. It was a cut above the rest. A risk I know! But its what we need as writers. Good luck and best wishes. And and of course my support is forthcoming. Take care, until we meet again. Cicuta, [ Carl, Arcane ].

Hi, Clare,I think you have shown a novel way of introducing children to the different weather paterns.
I can actually see children in Infant schools being taught this way. Its interesting to me how you bring out the causes of a thunderstorm in a child-like way. Great characters as well.
You have even incorporated the the proper cloud names into the story, great idea you have here.
I was wondering how you will introduce Fog into your series, you appear to know a lot about the weather.
You can certainly sing your own praises with this, your first book. Sorry had to get that in Clare.
But joking aside, I think you are onto a winner here and I wish you the best with it.
Very pleased to star rate your book, I look forward to reading more of your excellent writing.

Kind regards,

Neville THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST - THE TIME ZONE.

Clare, Nice changes. I read the first two chapters again and still impressed. Check out
www.lucyleid.com web site. She has a long list of agents and publisher on the site. Good luck and I'll re-read yours. By the way, did you ever make a map of UP-And-Away? and are you writing more for your series.

Richard A. Wentworth
Aracelis

You have a wonderful concept here and I can easily imagine reading this to my seven and eight-year-old son and daughter. As a matter of fact, they were recently asking about thunderstorms and such - I may have to read this to them over the weekend!

I thought your story was well-written and entertaining - it certainly kept my interest and left me wanting to know more. It's written just right for young kids and I wish you good luck!

Kind of cute and develops better than I thought at first, and useful educationally but not in too heavy a manner.

Easy to sink into...backed!

I liked this a lot even if I'm not a child. I could see this story as an animated movie. Will be backed.

I really like this book. May I suggest that enhancing it with illustrations would add to its allure.
Great kids story. I will back this as soon as possible.

Michael J McKeown

I salute you for taking on the task of making weather interesting for children - not an easy mission! I don't think any normal person really enjoys talking about the weather. I'm not particularly normal, so I obsessively learnt all of the cloud names when I was at Primary School and had a lot of fun telling people what was in the sky (cloud-wise). So, your story being about clouds and their drivers instantly made me want to read it. There are some lovely descriptions and I love all the names. Jenny Cirrostratus is a personal favourite.
I read the first three chapters and although I enjoyed them, there is something I picked up on, mainly with Chapters 1 and 2. It concerns that horrible expression 'show, don't tell'. Obviously you can't show everything, but with the 7-9 age group, I'm not sure how well they'd cope with a lot of chunky narration and no dialogue. Children's concentration levels are getting lower all the time (at least so I've heard). There's absolutely nothing wrong with the content, but I have a couple of suggestions (purely an opinion):
In Chapter 1, instead of telling the reader everything that Peter does as a cloud driver, show them what he does. Try painting a picture of him at work. I think it would be much more gripping.
And in Chapter 2, (if I've got this right) Peter is recalling the stories told to him when he was young by the older cloud drivers about the storm giant. This gives a wonderful opportunity to create a scene where they really tell the story and frighten the young cloud drivers, including dialogue and stuff.
Overall, I think your book is very sweet and has much potential. Good luck with it!

"The Cloud Drivers: The Giant's Storm" - Clare Morris. I read the first 2 chapters and scanned several comments. Book shelf for originality and humor. Some thoughts: there is a tool called the "Gunning Fog Index" (see Wikipedia for formula) that calcs how many years of formal education are needed to understand the writer - your first three paragraphs net a 10.7 or almost 11 years of education which is beyond your target group. Sentence length seems to be the main problem. Other than that, an enjoyable read.

Gideon ("Thrill Writer's Remorse")

This is a very enjoyable book, writing a childrens book and making the weather interesting, not a easy job, but you have done it.
backed

Alison

This is an interesting story, something new which is always a challenge.

The first chapter for me is targeted for the 5-8 yr age range however the use of some words and long sentences, especially in chapter 2 might be a little much for some.

I like the style and the way you educate as well as let the story flow. Love Cumulonimbus as the bad guy Peter is a good MC

Good luck,

Red

Hi Clare, I notice that there are a lot of repeated comments below. When I tried to post my comment on your book the page seemed to crash, but when I summoned it up again to have another go, there the comment was... I imagine some of your other correspondents have been having similar problems, hence the repetition. You should send a little message to Authonomy's support team.

Having read chapters 1, 8, 13 and 14, I can definitely see this working for children: there is adventure and information, with some nice humour too. I imagine large, colourful illustrations to go alongside the text. The language is suitably straightforward for the age group, and there is some good description within. And perhaps there are possibilities for a series: this looks like it deals with clouds - how about a book about hail, or snow, or drought? Ben

This isn't really my cup of tea, but I can see that it's well written apart from a few niggly things like missing punctuation at the end of direct speech - for example, from chapter five:
"I like your barometer, anyway Alex" she said
...should be:
"I like your barometer anyway, Alex," she said
...and:
"It looks like an enchanted laboratory" Jenny whispered
...should be:
"It looks like an enchanted laboratory," Jenny whispered

I'll be giving you a handful of stars.

I thought in chapter 1, 4th paragraph, first line there should be a comma between this and Peter's

I thought in chapter 1, 4th paragraph, first line there should be a comma between this and Peter's

A really good idea. I'm not sure which age group you are aiming at - did I miss that somewhere? If it's for 6 or 7 year olds I would suggest a very light pruning of some of the longer, complex sentences. Good luck.
Lorraine
Mannin Boy

The opening sentence of your book Clare is odd viz: "It wasn't an unusual noise to hear." The noun (noise) is expressed negatively. The adjective (unusual) qualifies the negative before the infinitive of the verb (to hear.) The infinitive of a verb at the end of a sentence is ungrammatical. I am not being pedantic here but merely thinking of teachers about to read - The Cloud Drivers -... or directing their pupils to read the text aloud. Why not begin thus: Peter heard an unusual noise. He knew immediately... Overall, your book excels in all aspects required to grab and hold the imaginative attention of children in the targeted age range. It is informative and conveys complex weather phenomena in attractive imagery without being obviously educational while achieving a teaching purpose. You create credible well defined characters. I read all the Chapters posted and the narrative is perfectly paced: the chapter ends anticipate nicely forthcoming action and activity. This is a particular strength required in this genre. I envisage your book being used in schools and read aloud to children. I read passages of it aloud myself and its inner tonal lyricism resonates a vocabulary that is ideally pitched. Well done! I believe your book is "commercial" and feel confident it will proceed inevitably to publication. I rate it highly and am pleased you asked me to Comment. I will earmark it for Shelving in due course.

Tony Brady - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1,2 & 3.

I have no experience of writing for young children but I recognise the winning combination of education and entertainment inherent to this story. Peter, Jenny and Alex make a good team. The idea of cloud drivers, their personal clouds having wheels and lights, is intriguing. I liked the surnames and the gentle pacing of the information dispensed. The giants castle was a fascinating place but I suspect my nine year old wouldn't have been too scared by the events that took place there and wondered if your target audience might be a little younger. For what its worth I think there is great potential for a more ambitious story here. Why not use such a story to introduce 9 year olds to the concerns over global warming? I wondered as Peter et al approached the castle whether they would find an Oz like character with a megaphone rather than a giant. Perhaps a slightly crazy scientist who was trouble by recent weather changes and doing mad experiments to investigate it and sort it out. The children could get on his side to help. Peter and Jenny and Alex could return to 'Up and Away' with their new insights and a desire to continue the good work. Apart from clouds, thunder and lightning etc. there is of course snow, hale, floods, tsumanis, heatwaves, drought and the effects these have on the 'ground' population to explore. A whole series indeed. A talented illustrator could do wonders with your book as it is now and best of luck with it.

Clare, I had the opportunity to read much of your book, and I did enjoy it, and I do think it has promise. I would like to offer a couple of 'criticisms' that you may take or discard as you wish, for I am no expert.
Now I got the feeling reading the book that you've pitched it toward an audience that typically cannot read at the level that you've written. I could imagine the book being read to the audience, but not the audience actually doing the reading. I just don't know how you're going to pitch that.
The second is a bit more stylistic, and therefore more easily fixed. Now each chapter should begin with a setting of the scene, rather than just starting into the action, especially if you intend it to be read to children, who may need to be regrounded with each chapter.
As I've said, though, I am no expert, and my 'criticism' is just my own bias. And, believe me, I do think your book will have a place in the greater scheme of children's literature.
And thank you for letting me read your book.
Tim

Clare, I had the opportunity to read much of your book, and I did enjoy it, and I do think it has promise. I would like to offer a couple of 'criticisms' that you may take or discard as you wish, for I am no expert.
Now I got the feeling reading the book that you've pitched it toward an audience that typically cannot read at the level that you've written. I could imagine the book being read to the audience, but not the audience actually doing the reading. I just don't know how you're going to pitch that.
The second is a bit more stylistic, and therefore more easily fixed. Now each chapter should begin with a setting of the scene, rather than just starting into the action, especially if you intend it to be read to children, who may need to be regrounded with each chapter.
As I've said, though, I am no expert, and my 'criticism' is just my own bias. And, believe me, I do think your book will have a place in the greater scheme of children's literature.
And thank you for letting me read your book.
Tim

Clare, I had the opportunity to read much of your book, and I did enjoy it, and I do think it has promise. I would like to offer a couple of 'criticisms' that you may take or discard as you wish, for I am no expert.
Now I got the feeling reading the book that you've pitched it toward an audience that typically cannot read at the level that you've written. I could imagine the book being read to the audience, but not the audience actually doing the reading. I just don't know how you're going to pitch that.
The second is a bit more stylistic, and therefore more easily fixed. Now each chapter should begin with a setting of the scene, rather than just starting into the action, especially if you intend it to be read to children, who may need to be regrounded with each chapter.
As I've said, though, I am no expert, and my 'criticism' is just my own bias. And, believe me, I do think your book will have a place in the greater scheme of children's literature.
And thank you for letting me read your book.
Tim

Clare, I had the opportunity to read much of your book, and I did enjoy it, and I do think it has promise. I would like to offer a couple of 'criticisms' that you may take or discard as you wish, for I am no expert.
Now I got the feeling reading the book that you've pitched it toward an audience that typically cannot read at the level that you've written. I could imagine the book being read to the audience, but not the audience actually doing the reading. I just don't know how you're going to pitch that.
The second is a bit more stylistic, and therefore more easily fixed. Now each chapter should begin with a setting of the scene, rather than just starting into the action, especially if you intend it to be read to children, who may need to be regrounded with each chapter.
As I've said, though, I am no expert, and my 'criticism' is just my own bias. And, believe me, I do think your book will have a place in the greater scheme of children's literature.
And thank you for letting me read your book.
Tim

Dear Clare,

This is a cute story, but perhaps a bit complex in structure and vocabulary for younger children.

My one suggestion for major change would be to rewrite Ch 2. I don't think children of this age are interested in a long section of backstory, full of huge paragraphs and complicated verb tenses. The second-half description of the giant's castle belongs in the part where they actually go there. I leave it to you to make the telling of the legend more immediate and present-tense.

I also found the part where they drive their clouds out to the giant's castle, then suddenly appear at home again, to be confusing. Again, I suggest a simpler story line. They leave the village, they go to the castle, they come back.

I hope these ideas help. Good luck with this,

Gordon

Dear Clare,

This is a cute story, but perhaps a bit complex in structure and vocabulary for younger children.

My one suggestion for major change would be to rewrite Ch 2. I don't think children of this age are interested in a long section of backstory, full of huge paragraphs and complicated verb tenses. The second-half description of the giant's castle belongs in the part where they actually go there. I leave it to you to make the telling of the story more immediate and present-tense.

I also found the part where they drive their clouds out to the giant's castle, then suddenly appear at home again, to be confusing. Again, I suggest a simpler story line. They leave the village, they go to the castle, they come back.

I hope these ideas help. Good luck with this,

Gordon

This is the best twist-book i have seen for children. instead of making it almost boring to the point of tears, yet being educational, you have made this an interesting read. i may introduce my child to this when he gets older.

Watched and starred.

I already like this book. I shall read it to my nephew over the weekend who likes his "just before bed" stories. He is a harsh critic at the age of 3! :-). So far, so good. Shall read some more when I get home. xx

Clare,
One of the benefits of being on Authonomy is experiencing genres I wouldn't normally consider, such as children's and YA (not having children). I've enjoyed a number of children's books here, and I found The Cloud Divers . . . unique. I couldn't think of a more interesting or engaging way to introduce weather (Meteorology 101) to children. Sometimes her mum called it 'stupid.' A lovely dry quip. Six stars from me.
Cheers,
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Backed!! This is great!

Nicely written; entertaining and insightful. I'm sure my grandkids would love this story. I'll keep it on my shelf for them to have a look. Highly rated, best of luck with this.
Michael Croucher (Bravo's Veil)

Great story, and I learned a little about weather myself. I liked the pacing, and read the entire book in one sitting. I'm anxious to read this to my young grandchildren, especially the climactic encounter with the storm giant. Educational and entertaining, this is a well-written book for children. Have backed and star-rated. Good luck.
David Morris "This Guilty Land"

Utterly delightful and informative. An excellent blend of art and science. Backed

Miles A. Robinson
Song for My Father and Loud Lucy Ludlow

The Cloud Drivers
I'm far removed from children's literature, Clare, so with my limited skills in this genre, I can give you a general impression. The work flows nicely and I think there is a delightful story of light and dark. I did find it engrossing. The question I have is the flashback in the beginning. I wonder if it is not a bit complicated for young reader, using all you have written beautifully, then flowing it effortlessly into your first graphs of now that he is a grownup? In that way, there would be no backtracking to explain why he is suspicious when he hears the sound. We- as youngsters- wouldn't need an explanation. We would be suspicious along with him. Just an idle thought about flow.

But I do like this work and think it has a lot to give a young audience. I also see series of stories with Peter. I'll be happy to star and place when I can.
Good luck to you.
Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

What a brilliant idea and very well written

As far as I'm concerned, this is a finished product. Now all you have to do is find a publisher for it.

Despite the fact that I like books that are much darker, I enjoyed reading this. There was both action and suspense, and after a quick read I could not even find anything negative to say about your writing style.
Good luck with the future of this book.

Hi Clare. Just read the pitch and opening chapter of your book and really enjoyed it. You’ve managed to combine education with classic fairy tales, giving it a modern twist. I’ve outlined my thoughts below, which I hope are of use to you. Backed

Pitch.
Your pitch is excellent. It’s short, sweet and clear enough for children to take in, without getting bored. Its enticing enough to draw them in.
Chapter one.
Peter Altocumulus – loved the character’s surname.
Repetition: …for looking after everyone in the village of (Up)-And-Away, and so he sat (up) in bed and scratched his head to wake (up) properly. The repetition of the bracketed word mars the flow a little. I’m not sure how you can get round it, perhaps by rejigging along the lines of: …for looking after everyone in the village of Up-And-Away, and so he jumped out of bed and scratched his head to clear it of sleep.
Repetition: …that there was (no) chance to say (no). Perhaps: …that there was never a chance to say no.
Cumulonimbus – wonderful name for a character.
Syntax: …helping the grass and plants (to) grow… I’m not sure, but I think this sentence needs the bracketed word.
His castle was devoted to storms…shifted colour from green to blue and back again. This paragraph holds wonderful description, bound to create images in fertile young minds.

Thanks so much for the detailed feedback, this will be very useful.
All the best, Clare

Lovely idea for a story - what topics are next on your list?

Might benefit from a final round of editing to make the language somewhat punchier and "simpler" (in a positive, childlike sense).

Sandy

I loved the concept and thought you managed to combine facts about the weather with a fun story for young readers extremely well. The manuscript is well written. Just one thing - you make want to look at the length of some of your sentences for the readership.
With best wishes
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

Hi Clare. Just read the pitch and opening chapter of your book and really enjoyed it. You’ve managed to combine education with classic fairy tales, giving it a modern twist. I’ve outlined my thoughts below, which I hope are of use to you. Backed

Pitch.
Your pitch is excellent. It’s short, sweet and clear enough for children to take in, without getting bored. Its enticing enough to draw them in.
Chapter one.
Peter Altocumulus – loved the character’s surname.
Repetition: …for looking after everyone in the village of (Up)-And-Away, and so he sat (up) in bed and scratched his head to wake (up) properly. The repetition of the bracketed word mars the flow a little. I’m not sure how you can get round it, perhaps by rejigging along the lines of: …for looking after everyone in the village of Up-And-Away, and so he jumped out of bed and scratched his head to clear it of sleep.
Repetition: …that there was (no) chance to say (no). Perhaps: …that there was never a chance to say no.
Cumulonimbus – wonderful name for a character.
Syntax: …helping the grass and plants (to) grow… I’m not sure, but I think this sentence needs the bracketed word.
His castle was devoted to storms…shifted colour from green to blue and back again. This paragraph holds wonderful description, bound to create images in fertile young minds.

Hi,

I was only able to read one chapter as I'm a bit short for time, but I must say it was very intriguing indeed. What a great imagination you have. Original and enthralling. There were one or two punctuation errors I noted but simpled edit can fix that. You grabbed my attention and made me want to read on.

A sentence that sounded awkward and that I thought you could rephrase was: Cloud drivers have a big role to play in the weather in the sky.

So far, this is a great read.

Backed with pleasure :)

It's really good I didnt finish it yet. I suggested my younger sister to read it and as soon as she reads it, we're gonna read all of it together, I'll give mine, and hers, complete opinion =D

Great plot. Good start. I love how unquie your style is. When you are writing for children, which is a big and challeging market it is important to show what is different about your book then anything else. You have talent. Backed.

I had to put my mind back in time so, I could think like a big kid. My wife, she said it shouldn't be a problem. OK, I read yout first chapter, and I must admit, it reads very well, very easy to understand and flows fine and it's as good as the books, my granchildren have in there bedroom. I think it is great. Besides, your an author on authonomy who, is helping other 's on the site who don't have kids books so, for that, I'm happy to place this nice book on my shelf, and hope many more on the site will see your talent and do the same. If this site was for kids books, nothing could stop it from getting to the E'ds desk. I wish it well.
BACKED
John

A new cloud on the horizon - I hate to be the one to put a spanner in the works but I don't agree with some of the comments you have already received. I haven't got any children to try it out on so maybe I am wrong, but I felt you were taking too long to get to the story at the beginning. Too much explanation and not enough action. The idea of people living in the clouds making the weather is different. I'm not sure 7-9 year olds would accept such a thing, 4-5 maybe, but by 9 they should be learning about how weather actually works. You say in the story that the cloud people are there to make sure the weather reaches the right places, which is fine until some clever clogs asks why there are floods and droughts. Having said that I think the concept is good and worth working on. Edit and reshape. Cut the length of some of the sentences. The last three words of the very first sentence are not needed.
Kristen Stone
Kianda Mala - The Monkey Man

Hi Clare

What a great idea! This is really inventive and fun. I can really see this published-teaching kids in a fun way must be a good thing! I like your style, informative but not preaching (which kids hate)

I'll back when space comes up but for now starred and WL.

Best of luck to you,

Claire-Curious Cooper and the Screaming Skulls

A delightful, imaginative story in a light as air setting! And I actually learnt something about clouds and the weather. To think I've taken them forgranted all this time! I especially love the names "Altocumulus", "Cumulonimbus" etc and the vivid description of the castle. Top starred and best of luck!

Nice, smooth flow and interesting story. A great read, very well told.
Congradulations, so when is your next book of Up-And-Away going to be placed on tne web site for us to read?

Richard A. Wentworth

Oh, your story is so cute! I can just picture it being read to a circle of kids. You write very well, and the creative imagination of the story really brings it to life. Good work!

--Shieldmaiden

Actually your novel is awakening the morale of human being to fight against natural forces. You have characterized three persons’ fight against natural forces. I think either you have symbolized them as the representative of human race or men’s struggle to overcome natural forces.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire
The Seagulls

Hi! I can't say that I read a lot in this age group, but I did find it well-written without being too 'heavy' or 'deep'. And I do think it will appeal to this age group.

Not only did you teach my son something, but you also taught me about thunder and lightning :) In this instance, it was the mum who was going this is cool (although Arwyn liked it too). In your story you said that the hot air rises up into the sky, forming the clouds. And as it gets higher it cools, turning the air inside the storm clouds into ice. Then the warmer air melts some of the ice, which falls and starts bouncing and crashing into each other, thus creating the electricity for the lightning and the loud cracks of thunder. After I finished reading chapter 1 to my boy (8) I told my husband about what you had written, and he also learned something new. He summised that this must be why Singapore has so much thunder and lightning storms because of the heat. For a non scientific person (me), you really did make this fascinating...and it's a kid's story. Now, I reckon we need more books like this on the market to teach our kids (and their parents) about nature.

In relation to the rest of your story, I thought the Cloud Drivers was a very original concept. Peter is a good MC, someone that kids can relate to and respect. Plus, it's always good to have a villain to create excitement, someone to defeat. And you have a good one with the giant. I also thought that the characters' surnames were clever, incorporating the cloud names.

Well done - Marita.