Walker

A nicely dramatic and gripping opening, and strong characterisation (including not shying away from the edgy cynicism of a thirteen year old... yes, we probably were all like that!). I'm enjoying Walker!

Excellent writing. backed.

I didn't realize this book had a star until I scrolled down to write a comment and saw the Harper/Collins note. Made me realize you probably aren't interested in any more comments. I did read this, tho, so I'm making one. I liked it a lot. The beginning is dramatic; your audience of schoolage readers will certainly be able to relate to Tom as he moves to his grandparent's house. When he realizes that he has a special power, it's a big plus. Made me keep reading to see how this will turn out. I'll add this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Jane, thanks for sharing your review. I thought the comments very thorough and helpful. Certainly, the strong writing comment is good. Based on that, you should be able to tighten up in the areas she suggested. Barrow and circles, mom's journals and his emotional state from losing his parents and having to live with a weird grandma are all good elements. The suggestion about the panther is actually a good one. I remember that it bumped me out. Maybe choose an animal that is extinct in the British Isles or very rare. Are there wild big cats in the Isles? At all?

I hope that you will soon have this on a publisher's desk and in the bookstore.

Jane -

Excellent story and writing. Someone asked me how the hell I write middle age women the way I do, and now I have to turn the question back on you.

How the hell can you write a 13 year-old boy so accurately?

Great job.

And, backed.

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

Amazing pace and action. This is a fun, entertaining story for children of all ages. Very well-written.

Eric
Frederic and Unbroken Promise

Jane, I noticed the star and had to read some of your work. Excellent. Chuck

Oh, Jane, this is wonderful. I'm new here and hoping to write for children myself one day. Anyway, this is precisely the kind of book that I would love to buy for my daughter. It is rich, eloquent and gripping. Just a wonderful read. Good luck with it.

When I grow up I want to write like Jane Alexander.

This is an amazing adventure. I enjoyed it immensely.

Great voice! Hard to be a thirteen year old boy, no matter WHAT you're doing! LOL
Love the reference to his games. My son is twenty now, but I've lived through ALL of them.

Lisa~

I loved it when she said we are in the place where the lost part of people's soul goes; we are here for yours. Very nice therapeutic touch. Backed.

A novel for teens. A theme that has been resurrected many times.
BK

I really like how you haven't tried to draw out the beginning; the premise is clear, but the events to follow are ambiguous. I found the pace a little slow, and there were a few instances of repeated phrases that stuck out, but I did enjoy the rest.

Hi Jane, I just wanted to say I stumbled across your story, Walker, the other day in my wanderings and I absolutely love it!! I live in central Dorset and spend allot of my time walking in the woods admiring the wonderful wildlife of our fair isle and daydreaming about spirits and folklore. My mind is often filled with Froud-like imaginings so your story really struck a chord with me.
The Ferish are class (awesome name btw) and I’m keen to learn more about their world. Reading Walker, I felt your story had a similar attitude to the Artemis Fowl novels (although it is clearly very different) in the way you splice modern life and pop culture with our ancient folklore and natural heritage. Brilliant stuff.
I see you have a star already which is pleasing so I don’t know if my backing will make any difference but what the heck. Love it!

Jane
I know it's a bit too late to be backing this but I just loved it, so I'm going to anyway. Hope you have every luck in publishing it. Paddy

Jane,
How I wish I'd found this earlier - what a wonderful story and so excellently written. i see you have a star against it which probably means that backing it has no real meaning - but hey, I'm going to back it anyway because I think it is brill.
All the best
Steve

I read quite a bit of this on my ipod in bed last night! It's been on my watchlist since I left.

I know I backed you a couple of months back and you already have your star.. so.. this means of course that I read it because I wanted to, not because I was obligated to in any way... :)

It's great! Happy you got your star!

Lorrii

Brilliant opening, pacey, straight into the action. Also the story line is strong, which is always a good thing.

Very pleased to see this month was yours Jane.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Not only is Jane a gifted author but she's also very helpful to Authonomists old and new. Well done, Jane. :)

Chapter One literally starts with a bang, and it is clear and concise writing. I would like to know immediately WHERE this is happening as in a line above the opening in italics stating the whereabouts and time of day, and I would also begin with -- Fifteen-year-old Tom Greenway rather than simply opening with Tom etc....this would fix him as a teen immediately and not leave room for confusion as to whether he is an adult, the driver of the car, the EMS worker, etc. The subsequent chapters go into Tom's new life. I know you have him disliking everything at first, but this wears thin real fast with a reader, and I'd be careful of any large, fat paragraphs of inner monologue and teen angst. He is drawn perfectly well as a teen, and you do caapture his 'normalcy' so well that when he does learn of his gift (or curse?) that it comes as a great shock to him as well as the reader.
The growing relationship with his gramdmother and other key characters like Rowan is well done. Yours is the first book I have read on authonomy, so I have little else here to compare it to but I have written a couple of YA historicals, and I know they are not so easy as they appear on the surface, but your way with words belies this point. I enjoyed Walker a great deal, and I give it my highest recommendation to others. I personally love a good coming of age story, and this one has a new twist on growing up and maturing.

Robert W. Walker, author Children of Salem

very readable, hits the ( I assume young adult/children) market nicely. One thing, was unsure how old the main character is, echoing a comment I got back, his reaction to the crash was quite adult like, I got the impression he was 14 or so, not sure if thats true. If so and that is the target audience, a nice dark start like you have is a good way of capturing their interest.

Backed, good luck!

Jane.

Wonderful storytelling. There's a huge imagination at work here. Controlled rhythm and pace to die for (grrr…) and nicely-drawn contrasts between modern and not-so, US and England. You’ve had about 800 commments; I’ve read a few and I won’t try and add to them. Except to say, you deserve it!

These lines I loved:

- ‘… a pair of empty chip packets waltzing around each other..’
- ‘… like a dog screen-saver…’

This one not:

- ‘… a shiver slithered…’

Already backed. Good luck tonight, though I suspect you are already there.

Pete

YA is easily the most imaginative of all genres and this story goes a long way toward proving it. Besides a superb plot, the characterisation is marvelous and the sense of scene draws us into the world. I back it!

Hi Jane.
As the Authonomy hour of Ed's Desk reckoning approaches for Walker, I'd like to give you my feedback on your six chapters (as if you need it after 800 comments!).
Walker evokes memories of the best fantasies that I have read as a child and adult. Tom's physical and spiritual impotence is comparable to Stephen Donaldson's Thomas Covenant character. His being an orphan keeps the reader sympathetic, although Tom is thoroughly dislikeable almost throughout your posted chapters. The suggestion is that he will struggle several times but eventually rise to the challenge and become The One that is needed by Eden, Rowan and the world.
The use of Tabitha’s Leaf and Stone excerpts at the start of each chapter is a great idea as it validates Tabitha’s character, even though she is already dead in the car crash.
Your third person narration from Tom’s viewpoint allows the reader to feel the development of his character, from wheezy asthmatic failed schoolboy actor to sullen, orphaned teenager, mourning of parents, sexual awakening and self-discovery. Description and dialogue are both excellent. I can sense every scene and the characters are strongly voiced through their actions and words.
I've pulled out some areas per chapter for consideration IMHO.
Chapter 1 – There are only one or two hints that this chapter occurs in the USA (Massachusetts). As a European reader myself, it seems to have the same atmosphere as the England chapters (I realise that's a different view to some other comments). Maybe it's not important but you might throw in some further detail e.g. type of car, Route 66, to contrast with the next chapter.
Chapter 2 - The English countryside switches rather suddenly from flat and boring to beautiful hills. I would have expected Eden to be driving an ancient Land Rover rather than a pickup, more in character.
Chapter 3 – A lot of dreams - stag and wolf dream, then the barrow dream. Very vivid and of long duration, Alice in Wonderland. There's definitely a switch been flipped here from reality to fantasy. It could perhaps blend a little more, or maybe it's your intention to jump in.
Chapter 4 – I was confused by the description of Rowan. In the dream world she seems small and then in the real world taller. Also a girl with ebony skin, heart-shaped face and public school accent (all sounds delightful by the way) as a regular hand on an isolated farm near Exmoor might be worth some brief explanation.
Chapter 5 – We’re nearly in full-time fantasy now and the pace is driving very well.
Chapter 6 – The Cave of Lost Children is very touching and many of us could all do with a visit there. Tom breaks down a little too much, close to overwriting. The wolf attack is a real cliff-hanger but I suspect that he’s Tom’s animal guardian, or the stag is about to put in an appearance and see off the wolf.
To wrap up, this is as good as or better than the stuff that my daughter reads to me at bedtime. A hugely popular genre, and well written by someone who has their heart in the subject matter. By the way, your photo looks very familiar. I must go and check my real bookshelves.
All the best with this foray into fiction.
Backed by Turnip
The Rise and Fall of Ger Mayes by Ruby Barnes

Really intriguing stuff. It certainly keeps you in a spin with creatures which are not at all what you would expect them to be and subterranean wraiths. I have always liked books with panthers in them, even if they aren't exactly panthers. Backed.

I read Walker a few weeks ago, just before my computer broke down, and meant to get back to you then. Being a ghost I needed to know how you saw the afterlife.
To be honest this is a real page turner for kids and big kids like me as well. In fact I think Walker deserves to be published - anything that can pull me away from thrillers and keep me reading and enjoying the story is worthy of paying for over the counter. I would happily buy this for my grandkids and another to read through and put on my shelf. I loved the start when Tom wasn't sure what was going on, then his move to the old farmhouse in Devon and the introduction to all the new mysteries and sneaky but sometimes dangerous temptations. At least he's starting to do things for himself even though bossy boots but nice Rowan keeps him on his toes.
I want to know how Tomhelps resolve the situation so am looking forward to seeing Walker published.
Thanks for the read, Jim.

Jane, Just finished Chapter Six and must know what happens next. Will be wishing you all the luck in getting "Walker" published and on store shelves. I think you have a real winner here.

DW (River Dream)

Jane, This is beautifully crafted and engaging. I was immersed in these six chapters and at the end before I knew it. To me, this is a slam dunk no-brainer, provided the rest of the plot carries through with the early promise.

Enthusiastically backed.

DL

I liked the six chapters I have read a lot - an interesting twist on the quest story, and I had a lot of sympathy with Tom... it really isn't much fun having to rely on a generator that you can only switch on for emergencies and candle light is not ideal to read by... still he has had a kick start into what sounds as if it's going to be an exciting adventure. A couple of tiny details did give me pause: I think (although I could be wrong) that we hear Rowan's name before Tom sees it in the note - up till then she's been "the girl", but at least once she was "Rowan", and I'm a little worried about the fairy deer-guardian - surely he must be more upset about the stag hunting on Exmoor...but I like the story, I have backed it, and I would very much like to read the rest.

Jane, I love it. I feel Tom's angst, loss, and sense of displacement. The constant reminders of his mother touched me. Your writing is both evocative and lyrical. The imagery is tops, and I can't say enough about the shift to England. You quite literally take the reader to another place. It's a learning adventure for the reader, and the shamanic passages add nice dimension to an already multi-faceted story. I admit I have not read all, but I had to stop and post this. The remainder of the chapters are calling for my cushy brown leather chair when I get home. Backed with extreme pleasure and anticipation of some well-spent time reading tonight!

MJ Caraway
The Dark Light of November

Jane,

Walker is great. Clearly written and very descriptive. I enjoyed it.

Backed.

Natasha (Water Under the Bridge...rises)

Just a short note while I remember. I am having so much fun reading this! At the end of paragraph thirteen in Chapter Three, I believe it should be "Sports sucked" instead of "Sport sucked." It's a minor thing, which shows how good the writing actually is!

~Elizabeth
Phantasmagoria

This book definitly deserves its top spot. there is nothing i can say that has not already been said. brilliant book and shelved. hope it stays here over the coming days :)

Hey! So I really love your book so far. Read chapters 1-3 and so far it's completely engaging. The opening scene is very scary and really hooks the reader in. Your writing flows quite smoothly and I'm rather jealous how concise it is. I'll definitely be looking forward to reading more.

-Nenia

Walker
Jane Alexander
Some lovely descriptions and you really get into the mind of Tom.
Tom is in spirit when he is looking at his body. Perhaps it might be better to begin:
‘Tom hovered above his body. It looked a mess. Blood everywhere and his left leg was at an odd angle.’
Everything else I wanted to say has just about been covered in previous comments.
Best of luck
Juat4kix.

Jane - I am reading Walker and enjoying it very much; you are in control of your material and the story moves swiftly. I would suggest some judicious adding of commas between sentences connected with conjunctions, but am beginning to wonder if this is a difference in style these days between US and Great Britain as my last reading of a novel by a English author had the same issue. However, the story is great, and Tom is a wonderful character. Gutsy of you to write from a male perspective. I am not finished and only about Chapter 4 now, so will respond further again. Definitely a publishable work and needs find a home.

Rob Walker
author, Childen of Salem

I've wanted to meet you for so long... It's a bit cliched, still, it is a kid's book.

I read on...

Again, "I cant tell you how thrilled I am"

I think you need to cut her dialogue back a little. She seems a little too gushing for the circumstances.

I wonder whether you should end chapter 2 with him finding the book and the last word being "the solar system, the universe, infinity"£.

The rest seemed superfluous and forced you to show his reaction to the book, which dropped the suspense and seemed flat and a bit trite.

But, as your world weary agent, I would be reading on.

With my world weary agent's hat on ready to reject and...

Just read your first chapter through in one go without a pause. I

I have no comments. And I almost always do. So I'll read on and reject you in chapter 2...

This is a fasinating work from the first word the reader is hook and must read on digging deeply into a world that only wants to be shared in such a unique way. C W

'The crickets crashed out their staccato riff, and a sweet powdery scent of flowers clung to the air like talc on old ladies.' - I love the imagery in this!

One thought, as a theatre minor. What play are they doing? Does he have the lead or is he an extra? Is it a musical, straight play, one act? These details may give us more clues to Tom, like whether he is a good singer, this is his first play, etc.

More later! I'm loving it so far!

~Elizabeth
Phantasmagoria

Jane,

Started reading and lost all track of time. Would have kept reading if the coffee shop hadn't filled up with noisy patrons who broke my concentration. I will definitely come back to finish this first chance I get.

DW (River Dream)

Hi Jane,

This has to be just about the best book I've read so far on this site. I found Tom someone the reader would sympathize with, understanding his pain and hostility. This piece is masterfully written, and I anxiously await the Harper Collins review.

The only thing I noticed was one sentence in the second chapter: Not even visited him in hospital? Miising the between in and hospital.

I'm positive you will get an excellent review,

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

Great writng so far Jane. I haven't gone too far yet but I will certainly continue. I am not a fan of fantasy or paranormal (Harry Potter excepted) but y our line is good enough for backing.
Dean at Chrbonneau

I really enjoyed this, Jane. It's got a good striking voice to it and there are lots of lovely touches - the boy shouting louder - not because he seeks to be heard but just because he can, and then him walking off into the trees with the deer. .
The only tiny nitpicks in the first chapter are the repeat of perfume: the first mention sticks to the second so we associate the mother with old women which doesn't quite feel right. And then I don't think you need "It shimmered as if in a heat haze" - everyone uses shimmer for the effect of sunlight on surfaces and anyway it seems a superfluous sentence. .

very compelling! you had me hooked right from the beginning. I will definitely be back for more! Backed!

Brittany
My Last Notes

Jane, the more I read of Walker the more fascinating it becomes.

I read the first two chapters and have the following critiques. I recommend you visit some place like http://www.editavenue.com and get some professional editing done by a third party. I do like the story so far. It has a lot of potential and might even drag a few of the younger crowd in from their texting for a while.

Bear in mind that I'm an IT geek by trade. Years of analysis work have taught me to focus on discconects and things that aren't said.

You might be able to remove the opening quotes from Leaf and Stone. The vast majority of people reading this will either have absolutely no idea what a shaman is, or will be thinking "World of Warcraft". Probably less confusion all around without the opening quote. I would tell you to either remove all of them or dump them into an appendix, but it seems you put them at the beginning of each chapter quite deliberately. I do feel they take away much of the journey the book should be offering.

Ch 1:

Something just seems wrong with "soft lichen-laden stone". I don't know if it is a punctuation problem, a wording problem, or a comprehension problem on my part.

In the center of the valley stood a tiny church; soft lichen-laden stone, its spire like an upturned ice-cream cone.

Ch 2:
>>A figure strode down the platform, a black and white collie bounding beside her.

>>The sheepdog leapt into the back and Eden tossed the pack after it.

The above two sentences, not all that far apart, will jar many readers that aren't from the UK. While many Collies are used to herd sheep in England and Ireland, thanks to cartoons and movies, the word "sheepdog" paints an image of the actual breed with its eyes covered over by hair. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Old_English_Sheepdog There are a few other places where you dance between Collie and Sheepdog in what I've read.


>>The truck braked hard through a village, all thatched cottages and hump-backed bridges. Ye Olde England, he thought, with a sneer. Then, gears crunching, they were climbing again.

I have a lot of trouble understanding what you are trying to convey here. "braked hard through a village" just boggles my mind. I believe you meant the traffic was "lurch and go", but the wording makes it sound like they were coming down a hill, locked all four tires up and slid through the town.


>>The house seemed to crouch, as if all it wanted was to lean back with a sigh into the hill behind. It had tried that trick but the buttresses propped it like sturdy elbows

You need to delete the very last line here unless the buttresses play some role in the story. The last sentence just breaks the entire description. If you really need the buttresses to be described you need to merge these two sentences into one without any mention of trick. Perhaps...

The house seemed to crouch, as if all it wanted was to lean back with a sigh into the hill behind, but was being held in place by the sturdy buttresses. It reminded Tom somewhat of kids in school, sound asleep with their chin resting on clenched fists and elbows firmly planted on the desk.


>>Barns, sheds and a small stable block huddled around it, like protective arms. Chickens pecked at weeds in the

"it" should be "the house" because you changed paragraphs.

This is an impressive piece and thoroughly deserves its spot on the Ed’s desk. (This is a random note, but I’d really like it if the Editor’s name is Ed. Then it really would be Ed’s desk… Never mind). I’ll see if I can spot anything you may want to make notes on…

I like the opening sentence, though it may benefit from being a short jab. Simply, “Tom could see his body below.” But either way will probably work.

“It was [a?] heavy metal sculpture; twisted and tortured.”

This sentence doesn’t sound right. “He tried whispering the words for size…” I think I see what you’re saying (like ‘trying it out for size’), but in this context it doesn’t make a lot of sense. Also, I think you need some way of distinguishing between prose and thought. Italics are a popular choice for this. It just makes it easier on the reader’s eyes.

Tenses are an annoyance, I know. At the moment, the memories of the school play seem a little odd and confusing because of the change of tense. You start by talking about it in the past tense (He HAD promised his drama teacher…) and then flip to present, (Stumbling out of the hall into the parking lot, he found their car…). I get the impression you want us to feel like this memory has become the present for him. But you need something to indicate this more. Maybe a double paragraph break, maybe some extra description of how the transition occurs. It’s up to you.

This sentence seems to run on slightly too long;
“His reflection stared back at him from the car window [.] – no longer the great movie god, he thought bitterly, but thin and pale, a ghost with large grey eyes and a curtain of thick, muddy blond hair.”

A good technique I’ve been taught is to make your sentence structure match the tone of what you’re writing. For example; when things are happening in short flashes of action, you make your sentences short flashes of action. Something like;

“Mom screamed.
A red animal’s flank. A Glimpse of Antler. An eye staring straight at him. Tom’s stomach lurched. The car danced across the highway.”

Or whatever works best for you.

Hm. Maybe I’m a bit cynical (and too much of a late 80’s - early 90’s Nintendo purist), but the reference to Grand Theft Auto feels really forced and out of place. I think the imagery you’ve provided is strong enough, and this weakens it slightly. But I may be bias. Also, copyright and all that.

Try not to over-state, especially size. The stag in the forest you describe as large, and the over emphasise the size by comparing it to a usual deer. I think the latter is the stronger, so keep that and take out the large adjective.

I like your metaphors and similes in the description of the valley. Especially, “Wild flowers spun wobbly necklaces of vivid blue…”. But you may want to cut down on the adjectives. That’s what all the editors always say.

Gosh, that last paragraph is gripping! You’ve really got a knack for making this stuff come alive!
I hope some of these little notes are of use to you. If so, I can put an eye to the next few chapters.

- Joel Cornah

The Dinosaur Prince