Knights in the Gardens of Spayne

Hi there, Dai!!! I have just read the first 5 chapters of your new book. Of course, being the Dai Lowe fan that I am and always will be, I enjoyed it very much. Although the story is sooo different from your other works posted here, your style remains brilliantly fresh and decisively different. A wonderful cut above the rest. But, naturally, I do have a few very minor comments...
CHAPTER ONE: '...when Spayne were second...' I'm thinking that 'were' should be 'was'? hmmm...not sure, tho. I've never heard of 'pernickety' but I have heard of 'persnickety'.
CHAPTER TWO: '...black and white strip...' Do you mean 'strip' to be 'stripe'? This is, overall, a great background chapter. Seems far less a history lesson and more just a nice conversation enlightening us to reasons behind the region's current predicament.
CHAPTER THREE: 'It will be fairer to the reader...' Perhaps change 'the reader' to 'those interested' or something similar as specifically addressing 'the reader' seems to take things out of the style you have so cleverly already established. Things are getting fun in this chapter!
CHAPTER FOUR: I would encourage you to delete the sentence that begins 'Feel free to pause...' as it is, again, a note to the reader and detracts from your style. Great hook at the end of this chapter.
CHAPTER FIVE: I think, perhaps, maybe, you go a bit on and on regarding the meeting with Sarah Cordover and her search for something unique and cultural, which as it turns out, is for naught.
Well, that's it, Dai. Don't take any of my comments too awfully seriously...this is a fun story! I do need to say that I don't understand the reason behind the long dashes just before each bit of dialogue. Also, I'm wondering why you refer to the team as Spayne Wanderers rather than 'The' Spayne Wanderers. I am from the other side of the pond and am used to seeing team names like The Chicago Bulls or The New York Jets. Is leaving the 'The' off a normal thing where you are? I hope you can dicipher my comments and I hope they might help. I enjoy your writing sooo much and look forward to reading the rest of this...... backing it right now!

Mardi: thanks for the comments and shelf. Let me deal with the ideas, some of which I will definitely need to take on board.

CHAPTER ONE: '...when Spayne were second...' Yes, was/were with a compound or synecdochic usage. Hmm...is it was because Spayne is a singular team/town or were because they are a group of players? I think we Brits use the plural, I'll have to check.

Well, Swann's Practical English Usage, tells me it's another Atlantic side issue. Maybe for the same reason you're prone to putting a definite article before team names, the US standard is to say the team was successful. Over here it's less clear cut and can depend on surrounding clauses but either is acceptable and most of us tend to say the team were losers. eg we would say Boston United were disappointed at being destroyed but "A team is unhappy when it loses", because 'A' can only be singular.
Maybe I shall change to a singular verb throughout so it plays in Nottingham and Peoria! Or maybe not cos were sounds more natural to me. JUST CHECKED ~ British newspaper soccer reports always use the plural forms with all team names.

'pernickety'/'persnickety' Yes UK/US versions ~ word is of Scots origin apparently. ("adj finical; (of a task) exacting minute care")

CHAPTER TWO: '...black and white strip...' Strip is right, it's what we Limeys use to denote a team's uniform ~ "a lightweight uniform, esp one displaying the club colours, for running, football, etc;"

CHAPTER THREE:/FOUR Authorial intrusion. Interesting. Obviously there's a lot less than in Poonlop but I like the old-style books where the writer does address the reader casually from time to time ~ this only really works now in comedy, for which it gives a lot of scope. But your comment has given me a heads up to think about it detracting. I think I shall proceed with Part II and see how I feel. I can always come back and rewrite bits, if it isn't working/necessary.
CHAPTER FIVE: I did wonder if this was getting too long. I like the opportunity for a few jokes at the town's expense, I want to lead in to the more substantial chapters to come but it's the jokes you leave out that make the rest stronger. Main options would be to see if I can cut some from I:5 and pepper them through Part II.

One of the most important things I wanted to do with the dialogue there was to bring out the unsaid stuff with double meanings ~ not all of which may work stateside ~ do Yanks say 'Corrr' when they see a hot broad for instance? Is there a sense of Jeremy trying to get into Sarah's knickers, he cold (but teasing) indifference and Terri's seething jealousy? Will there still be if I trim it?

Name: yes, we definitely don't use 'the' for sports teams. If you look at 'Chapter 6' which tells you where the story's going, you'll see there is a conection to 'my' team, ill-fated Boston United. They may not even be 'a' Boston United much longer!

Like I said; useful stuff to ponder so I'll cherry pick that comment.

Oh yeah ~ long dashes to indicate dialogue. This is the standard way on mainland Europe and, like Joyce, I find 'perverted commas' unappealing. Roddy Doyle and a few other writers in English have got away with it. I suspect a publisher would impose normality on me. Ho hum.

One of those books which seems to be puzzling our Cousins over the pond but but hits the spot over here big time! Witty and told in an engaging style. Starred, regards, Mark

Dear Dai, I am now reading & commenting on your 4th book. :) I love your humor & ideas on everything :) - particularly Al Gore's global warming was fun. :) Great write! :) Now, to book #5. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. Could you please take a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Thank you. :)

How come I missed this? Ah. I remember. I was diverted by that Poonlop chap.

This is utterly superb. The same wry dryness you bring to the forum and the same talent for using exactly the right words. It works and further comment from me would be superfluous. I can understand your "giving up" kick, because this book should be out there and it's an injustice that it isn't.

Chapter 2

I dunno. Maybe you're being experimental, maybe I'm just a Yankee who don't know any better, but I object to your use of a --- to denote dialogue. It's just annoying to me, for some reason. No big whoop, though. If you insist on using it, I'm sure you've got your reasons.

I do sort of the same thing when writing in the first person, by excluding quotation marks from the first person's dialogue, but I happen to be an insufferably experimental writer. You might not want to be as pretentious as I am. :)

Anyway, the dialogue itself is amusing enough. I enjoyed it. Then you give us some esoteric backstory (again, I dunno if the town of Spayne actually exists) and I gotta say it was pretty enjoyable, too. Most Americans won't know that the term 'strip' means 'sports jersey or uniform', but then again I doubt you're writing with Americans in mind.

Okay, so I understand the FA cup is fertile ground for an underdog story. I think you've got a winner of a tale going here, Dai. Be nice if we had something similar to the FA Cup in the USA for our major sports, but I guess our amateur (re:university) teams get their own tournaments that garner nearly as much respect and media coverage as our professional contests. I know the idea of 'relegation' has been batted around (excuse the pun) in regards to professional baseball, but I doubt that it will ever become reality.

Yeah, I've gone off topic here. I'm in favor of your efforts, Dai. The writing is full of wit. Well done.

Cheers

John

Chapter 1

I usually denounce rhetorical narratives (characters asking themselves questions) but Mr Snodgrass can be forgiven. Because he's funny!

In fact, I love the way you write, Dai. I don't know how to explain why I love it, but I do. *...until they stopped troubling the results on the telly...* Stuff like that. Like I said, I dunno why, but I like it. Being American I'm not sure if Spayne Wanderers actually exist, but I wish they did! I'm a big fan of Association Football (called Soccer over here) myself (Liverpool is my favorite team) so I'm intrigued by the premise of your novel. In fact, I just purchased the movie The Damn United and I'm biding time while it downloads on my XBOX. I can't wait to watch it. Whatever that does for you.

Okay, anyway... Good writing. I think I'll check out the next chapter, too. Something I rarely do on Authonomy.

Cheers

John

Trying again to find readers, are you? I'll chance a go at it, as I enjoyed Fardells' Bear so much.
Be warned that I never read pitches before I start reading a book. I like the story to explain itself to me without the marketing copy that goes with it.

Like my compatriot, Mardi, I took a hard look at pernickety, but I decided to look it up, so I'll forgive the lack of the American s.

I am at the end of Chapter 4 and I am still somewhat baffled by it. But I'm beginning to conclude there's some relation between the bird poop in the Garden and the match played by the Spayne Wanderers.

The repeated references to bird poop, though it begins to lose it's charm after two or three iterations.

On the whole, I would say a valiant effort. Your work is experimental and that is half its charm.

I've done much work on my piece in the last six months, would appreciate it if you would have another look.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Hi Dai.
Noticed you were a fellow 'Catch22' fan, so had a look at your one man library.
Sampled your Man United stuff. High octane whimsey. Really liked it. Shelved. Eric

Warm and fuzzy, a lovely tale for men with balls.

Craig

Since I've learned you are out dating again I figured I'd come give this a read and see if any of that reincarnation elixir is here somewhere.
I'm betting you were pouring over I.Newton's scribblings on alchemy.
One can't help but imagine you pondering the white/seed embedded piles as you typed away on your keyboard. Did you do much research for that?
Ugh, the description of Spayne's growth reads like the mushroom fields, the suburban sprawl, that has finally slowed in suburban Philadelphia. One can only hope that the recession holds off that growth a bit longer. The farms in my area and their fields need preserving. I may start a campaign.
Can I virtually hi-five you for all the chapters starting with birdpoo at the head? well-done.
Did I mention how much I enjoy your names? very much.
so you are contemplating "cycles" is that it? end of a cycle? How many birds did you feed for this book?
I don't enjoy the talk-into-the-camera as much here/there as I do in Poonlop.
What are you after here? rebirth of a town...I may have been on to something - definitely alchemy.
It felt so... nostalgic in a way.
I'm not sure what I expected but this wasn't it. and a blogger too? how long in Spain?
My father played baseball in college and am certain he dreamed of the big leagues. I however was good mainly at coming up with rhymes for the pitcher/batter to get the crowd laughing and Dad, being my coach, didn't appreciate it as much he would if I took the game seriously.
I never did, and never followed any teams/sports - biut I love sports movies.(?)
Keep up the mystery.
Best wishes,
-=Bradley
ps you Are a complete twat if you're not out dating again.

Mardi: thanks for the comments and shelf. Let me deal with the ideas, some of which I will definitely need to take on board.

CHAPTER ONE: '...when Spayne were second...' Yes, was/were with a compound or synecdochic usage. Hmm...is it was because Spayne is a singular team/town or were because they are a group of players? I think we Brits use the plural, I'll have to check.

Well, Swann's Practical English Usage, tells me it's another Atlantic side issue. Maybe for the same reason you're prone to putting a definite article before team names, the US standard is to say the team was successful. Over here it's less clear cut and can depend on surrounding clauses but either is acceptable and most of us tend to say the team were losers. eg we would say Boston United were disappointed at being destroyed but "A team is unhappy when it loses", because 'A' can only be singular.
Maybe I shall change to a singular verb throughout so it plays in Nottingham and Peoria! Or maybe not cos were sounds more natural to me. JUST CHECKED ~ British newspaper soccer reports always use the plural forms with all team names.

'pernickety'/'persnickety' Yes UK/US versions ~ word is of Scots origin apparently. ("adj finical; (of a task) exacting minute care")

CHAPTER TWO: '...black and white strip...' Strip is right, it's what we Limeys use to denote a team's uniform ~ "a lightweight uniform, esp one displaying the club colours, for running, football, etc;"

CHAPTER THREE:/FOUR Authorial intrusion. Interesting. Obviously there's a lot less than in Poonlop but I like the old-style books where the writer does address the reader casually from time to time ~ this only really works now in comedy, for which it gives a lot of scope. But your comment has given me a heads up to think about it detracting. I think I shall proceed with Part II and see how I feel. I can always come back and rewrite bits, if it isn't working/necessary.
CHAPTER FIVE: I did wonder if this was getting too long. I like the opportunity for a few jokes at the town's expense, I want to lead in to the more substantial chapters to come but it's the jokes you leave out that make the rest stronger. Main options would be to see if I can cut some from I:5 and pepper them through Part II.

One of the most important things I wanted to do with the dialogue there was to bring out the unsaid stuff with double meanings ~ not all of which may work stateside ~ do Yanks say 'Corrr' when they see a hot broad for instance? Is there a sense of Jeremy trying to get into Sarah's knickers, he cold (but teasing) indifference and Terri's seething jealousy? Will there still be if I trim it?

Name: yes, we definitely don't use 'the' for sports teams. If you look at 'Chapter 6' which tells you where the story's going, you'll see there is a conection to 'my' team, ill-fated Boston United. They may not even be 'a' Boston United much longer!

Like I said; useful stuff to ponder so I'll cherry pick that comment.

Oh yeah ~ long dashes to indicate dialogue. This is the standard way on mainland Europe and, like Joyce, I find 'perverted commas' unappealing. Roddy Doyle and a few other writers in English have got away with it. I suspect a publisher would impose normality on me. Ho hum.

Hi there, Dai!!! I have just read the first 5 chapters of your new book. Of course, being the Dai Lowe fan that I am and always will be, I enjoyed it very much. Although the story is sooo different from your other works posted here, your style remains brilliantly fresh and decisively different. A wonderful cut above the rest. But, naturally, I do have a few very minor comments...
CHAPTER ONE: '...when Spayne were second...' I'm thinking that 'were' should be 'was'? hmmm...not sure, tho. I've never heard of 'pernickety' but I have heard of 'persnickety'.
CHAPTER TWO: '...black and white strip...' Do you mean 'strip' to be 'stripe'? This is, overall, a great background chapter. Seems far less a history lesson and more just a nice conversation enlightening us to reasons behind the region's current predicament.
CHAPTER THREE: 'It will be fairer to the reader...' Perhaps change 'the reader' to 'those interested' or something similar as specifically addressing 'the reader' seems to take things out of the style you have so cleverly already established. Things are getting fun in this chapter!
CHAPTER FOUR: I would encourage you to delete the sentence that begins 'Feel free to pause...' as it is, again, a note to the reader and detracts from your style. Great hook at the end of this chapter.
CHAPTER FIVE: I think, perhaps, maybe, you go a bit on and on regarding the meeting with Sarah Cordover and her search for something unique and cultural, which as it turns out, is for naught.
Well, that's it, Dai. Don't take any of my comments too awfully seriously...this is a fun story! I do need to say that I don't understand the reason behind the long dashes just before each bit of dialogue. Also, I'm wondering why you refer to the team as Spayne Wanderers rather than 'The' Spayne Wanderers. I am from the other side of the pond and am used to seeing team names like The Chicago Bulls or The New York Jets. Is leaving the 'The' off a normal thing where you are? I hope you can dicipher my comments and I hope they might help. I enjoy your writing sooo much and look forward to reading the rest of this...... backing it right now!

Personally I'm more like Mr. McBoggle than Mr. Snodgrass.
Love it Dai.
As caricature and humour go it is very well done. It reminds me a bit of the 'Full Monty' in an odd sort of way.
beautifuly written and clever in it's inception.
I've shelved it because it is so well written and different from most of the rubbish I read these days like newspapers and TV advets.
Good onyer.
Best,
Fred
(Swords across the Rhenus)

Hi Dai,

This is good stuff. You have a great way of hooking readers. I can see this as a film. Loved the humour. Superb prose.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Knights of the Gardens of Spayne

Hi Dai, This is great stuff, really well written, a gentle-voiced narrator alongside some gloriously original characters. A light easy read with a deep nostalgia suffusing each page. It was, I know it, better back then, the comedic element exudes from your prose as well and we feel in the company of a master storyteller, best wishes and good luck - Andrew W.

Wanderers, Wanderers, Wanderers...excellent stuff, really good funny writing. I'm a mad soccer fan too Liverpool by the way, so this is definitely for my shelf. Backed

Love it. Shelved.

Bloody hopeless. I come over here, lured with promises of tins of baked beans, and what do I find? Not a bloody bean in sight. Not only that, but bird-poo. BIRD-POO? What kind of a joint is this, anyway?

H'mph.

Shelved.

(OK, the bit about COAT, EXPENSIVE; FEMALE, CHAV; NO MATCH FOUND was pretty funny, I suppose. If you patent a chavometer I shall buy one, the better to defend my innocent children from their scheming depradations. But only if Part II contains a decent chippy. I know they have chippies in Lincs. I've been to one.)

Dai,

Your openings always grab me. You have mastered the very difficult art of hooking, that many writers can only hope to achieve. You are a hooker.
See you in print,
Charity

Daimondo
This is class kidda. Shelved.

It's amazing what you can do when you get off that couch, Dai.
Cheers,
Simon

Hi Dai,
This made me laugh. Partly because as I was reading it I was also mentally visualising some small local team from Woop Wop coming up against Geelong or such in an AFL game. (Don't worry; only Aussies will understand that reference!) Three chapters in and I'll be back for more.
I suspect 'It's just bird poo!' is going to become a catch phrase. Heh, well done.

I can't stand football and you don't return reads, so I must be backing this because it's excellent and very funny. Will that do? On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

So that's why I had one space left on my shelf. You fill it beautifully Monsieur Lowe. Enjoy I shall and in a way that I haven't since Poonlopian times.

"It's just bird poo" has now become an awful Ohrwurm that will not leave me rest. I always enjoy the humour and intelligence of your writing and Knights in the Garden of Spayne is no exception. All the best, Andrew.

Very funny and quaintly British. It is another book that takes me someplace i could never go on my own.I would buy it. Shelved..

I think we authonomites are honoured to have a genius in our midst, Dai. And you are that genius. Bought and shelved. R

I've become quite a fan of yours Mr Lowe and this is hilarious and funny just like I expected. On my shelf.

This is hilarious. Shelved.

a fantastical compendium

i akshly started from the back, got confused, started again from the middle and then tried the front so i have seen the compositional anarchy and mayhem of it all

i shall return to make sense of the footie tale and enjoy more of your bite-sized essays.

in the meantime, it's on my shelf

Dai,

Okay you sucked me in, and once again your pitch made me smile.

It's the same eccentric and homely style, just for an older audience this time. And a recurring motif of bird poo, not sure what to make of that yet. Memorable certainly.

Freedom = football. That proposition might well get some support in a referendum, unless things have changed since I left.

Chapter 2b, could I suppose be a potted history of so many villages and towns.

And, of course, the significance of the bird poo is becoming clearer. As I should've expected the mad idea of the pub that Mr Snodgrass might hire a hot air balloon for aeriel photography comes up and is seriously discussed...of course that was always going to happen. D'oh.

Then you're characters are correcting one and other's grammar (at least more correctly one of the players corrects another).

And your anarchistic writing asserts itself when Mr Saville ask the obvious question as calmly as he could in the circumstances.

So you've made me smile, and laugh out loud again, and I've no choice but to pop another of your books on my shelf.

It's not a read, it's more of a visit with one of my favorite folks on here. I've no idea where you're going with this, Dai, but that's just fine with me. ;-)

Cheers--
Gev

Pants-wettingly funny - metaphorically speaking, of course. The names alone would rate a shelving. Goodness knows where you're going with this, but it really doesn't matter - I'm along for the journey.

I'm in hysterics reading this. Ive read 3 chapters and I will have to come back for more in the morning. How can bird poo pull someone in? Sarcasm, humour too, its great stuff. Story line maybe a bit more for the boys, but the humour and play with words can be enjoyed by anyone..I am delighted to be the first to back it..