The Life of Stacey Barmcake

Stacey Stacey! I don't know what to make of her! She's so ditsy but at the same time a fun and lovable character. This is a real girly read, great if you're looking to have a laugh as this certainly delivers in the hunour stakes. Backed!
Grace ~ Suitcase of Memories

The humour and take on life in this is very, very good.
I could happily just lay back and cover to cover this, stress free writing – good luck

Thank you for your kind words

The humour and take on life in this is very, very good.
I could happily just lay back and cover to cover this, stress free writing – good luck

Gobsmacked is what I think they say. You have a gift for words, my friend. You'll get to the editor's desk for sure! I am shelving you for the brilliant writing you offer us readers. This is your vision in print, and the writing is spot on.

If you have not read/commented, possibly back my book yet, please take a moment out and do that soon. Cheers!
JC

Heather and Nathalie,
I had so much fun reading this. I thought of my days at office as a PA. Note: just one chapter is not so pupular at authonomy, may be dividing it up may attract more readers. I hope you'll find a good book cover that reflects the fun in the book.
It's on my shelf.
Keiko
(A Thousand Words)

Every line comes straight from Stacey's mind. You've nailed her POV better than most people are able to do in a first person narrative. You never stray from her thoughts - one of the things that makes it difficult for me to write in first person. She has such an optimisitic personality as she lets others get under her skins. Her tone, while light, is also desperate. It's so sad how badly she wants, needs friends - she's even watching the program. And she's so innocent. Lines she's says just make you think - is she really 24? And it's just great that the prank against her backfires.

There were a few problems with fonts / colors, but I'll assume you'll fix that. I also saw some comma splices where you either need a semicolon, break it into two sentences or use a conjuction. Here are the spots to fix: boring, her -- imagined, she -- it, I feel -- that, I have -- there might be more, but I wasn't looking that closely. Any way, I enjoyed your MC so much and the story that I've shelved it. Best of luck, KJ (Killing God)

Okay....here is the most bizarre thing I've ever done....a forty-something heterosexual male admitting that chick lit is turning into a guilty pleasure! I have found myself reading more and more of this kind of thing and this is really not a bad example.... with a few little reservations:
For the love of Harry pleeeeease break this down into chapter sizes chunks. So much in one lump is a real turn off for this reader.

The punctuation police have already issued you with an ASBO so I won’t go down that road, but you do have a ‘heroine admiring/ commenting on herself in the mirror’ moment.....now, I am reliably informed that that was a bit of a cliché when Adam’s dog was a foetus....but at least ‘pert nipples’ weren’t mentioned so that’s a plus.

All in all I like this and am mellowing to the point where I think even pink text might have its place......HELP.

Good voice, suitably flaky.....Backed!

What a fun read, your characterisation is excellent. Stacey is definitely a girl many will relate to/ know someone like her. I think you will have a HUGE market for this so it is going on my shelf.

Some pointers:
This is largely a tell stroy, but i think it works.
You need an edit, commas are the main issue.
First sentence, 'eat,' should be eaten.
In some parts the writing is pink, i don't think it should be.

Best of luck xxx

As has been noted already, you do need to have a close look at your punctuation, but even so, the breathless 'real time' style of Stacey's narration and her almost heartbreakingly naive outlook is really effective and very funny, and this is a story I would definitely want to read to the end. I think this format would suit radio really well. A turn on my shelf is only equitable. Good luck!

Ladies

This is very chatty like a diary. However there lots of mistakes with punctuation. Mostly they are where you have commas instead of periods. e.g. ...this weakend[.] I am so excited.
Your opening lines need to be knock-em-out great. In the first para "eat" should be "eaten". In the next sentence "who will be sat on the desk" should be something like: "who will sit at the desk".

In terms of structure, I'd advise you to start somewhere else. Give us the intro to your character after (maybe chapter 2) you've pulled in your reader. Too much description will turn them off. When you get to your MC's characteristics, try and avoid listing them. Show rather than tell. Alternatively use better descriptors.

A phrase stood out as wrong: "God to busy daydreaming" - should this be: "God! Too busy daydreaming..." ?

Overall, I like your character and there's potential here. When you get into dialogue, your book comes alive. Fix the punctuation and a bit of reshaping and (imho) it'll be something to promote.
Very best of luck.
Shelved.
Chris (I Dare You)

Hi Heather & Natalie,

I’ve started to love chick lits since coming on this site and this doesn’t disappoint.

…I have hardly (eaten) anything…

Stacey is quite lonely and sad. I feel sorry for her. I go to bed with music playing also, though it’s the radio as opposed to a tearjerker CD. She’s so self-conscious and that fit she has about Jenny being late, well she wasn’t late, but it shows how desperate she is for a friend.

God (too) busy daydreaming…

She is good damn good – this sounds a bit awkward.

Why don’t you come out for lunch…spend the afternoon with us? Jenny asks. Needs quotation marks.

‘I’ll be (fine) Mum…’

I loved the humour. The punctuation needs some work. The story needs some tightening but I’m no expert, just my own opinion. I loved the way your character developed. So far, it’s been an enjoyable read. I wish you all the best.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

I read your pitch and now just finished reading ch 1. This story is different than I've ever read, and even though it needs some cleaning up, you might have something here as a story. I wish you all the luck on making it to the publisher's desk and I will continue reading your story to see where you take it.

Hi Heather & Natalie, I liked the upfront voice here and the office politics. You’ve shown how personal aims and vendettas can make people nearby feel as important as celebs. She forgot about them once involved in the plot concerning Helen. Sometimes the story could do with more dialogue? The emails and memorandums helped that. The voice is exuberant but might use some tightening. Very targeted for readers who identify. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Heather and Natalie,

I've been reading, and enjoying, a lot of chick-lit here recently, so thought I'd give this a go.

First thing I notice, and Absolution has already commented on this, is that you've loaded everything as a single chapter, which isn't very user friendly when all reading has to be done on line.

This opens in a lovely, friendly, chatty style. I wonder if that could be reinforced by more use of contractions in the narrative (e.g. Oh my God, I've butterlifes in my stomach . . . etc.).

Sometimes too, I wanted more commas (e.g. You see[,] I see myself as a star).

I love the way you move back and forth between a story and observations--usually about--beauty in a very natural way.

There's a strong voice here, which, I think is key to good chick lit.

There's good use of pop imagery (Rocky in training, Friends, Big Brother).

And of course there's the irony of the young woman looking forward to Monday morning, the reverse of the cliche.

I'm quickly getting an impression of a lonely woman.

Minor observation but the second time you use the company name you don't capitalise "wood".

Your profile says that the two of you wrote this together, I have to say I'm impressed as I see no "joins"--the voice is consistent throughout.

With first dialogue I wonder why you capitalise "Morning Ladies"

Then Helen delivers a big chunk of dialogue (more opportunity for contraction and pruning here, I feel), which I would like to see split up by a beat of some sort, just to make it more readable.

Dialogue though generally feels real and reinforces the idea that Stacey is lonely--and a little out of touch with the real world.

Okay, I'm hard pressed to say how much I've read but it's enough. I've made a few observations and suggestions on the way through, but I'm no expert: Use what works for you and disregard the rest.

The voice here is brilliant, you're establishing your character well, and I shall give this a spin on my shelf.

The Life of Stacey Barmcake

Hi Natalie and Heather, She is a real work of art, sassy, chatty, celeb-obsessed, shallower than the baby pool in the local swimming baths and enormously funny too boot. It is not just what she says, but what she doesn't say that is humorous. Comedy is always difficult to write, there are many inherently funny moments, but also her lack of depth also sets up some other potentially funny moments. Enjoyed this completely, best of luck with it - Andrew W.

I absolutely loved this. Stacey is so sheltered and shallow. She reminds me of a friend who asked me 'What's doggy position?' a while back (I'm 32 by the way and she isn't too much younger than me). I didn't notice too many grammatical errors but you probably do need to do an edit. And I love her idea of revenge. She's very devious. Shelved

I absolutely loved this. Stacey is so sheltered and shallow. She reminds me of a friend who asked me 'What's doggy position?' a while back (I'm 32 by the way and she isn't too much younger than me). I didn't notice too many grammatical errors but you probably do need to do an edit. And I love her idea of revenge. She's very devious. Shelved

Hehe what a delightful read! I felt like I was reading about one of the girls, or talking to my friends on the phone! 'Bridget Jones on speed' is a great comment haha. So fast paced and easy to fall in to, natural realistic dialogue and very VERY funny :) It really does need a tightening up for grammatical errors(but if they are intentional, ignore me! :)), the site will not let you copy and paste from a story though so I can't go through them all, but there are many missing commas etc...it just needs a good edit from a third party! If you could, try to seperate the sections here into chapters and upload them separately as it will be better structured.

Deserves a spin on the shelf, I wish you two all the best with this and let me know if yous upload more! (Off to watch big brother live now ;)) x

You are right! This did make me laugh and it is a genuinely good read. Like Bridget Jones on speed! It made me think of some of the six-formers I used to teach. Great pace, good dialogue, am reading more because I am bookshelving ! This really deserves to be higher up the ratings.

Denise (Indigo Antfarm, Violet and Blue)

This was priceless. I'm not even going to meep about the typos and spelling errors and grammatical errors as they lend to its appeal. If you do plan on fixing them, yes, I agree, it will need a thorough edit for those things.

Hilarious - and at the same time sad. I nearly fell off my chair laughing at Stacey's earnest puzzlement about blow jobs and groupies!

Agreed, tho, that it would be better broken up into several smaller chapters. I'm going to shelve this for its potential. Good luck with it!

This is a good start. Interesting story developing, likable character, and it's fun. Still, you have some work to do as far as editing. But once done you will have a wonderful story.

In opening..I've hardly (eaten)...I also think combining words like... I have (I'm)..and I am (I'm) will flow better even if you're going for valley gab. If gab is what you're going for try italics to emphasize, but IMHO for an opening it's too much. I have to get to know the character's lingo first.

You see( , )I see..comma. Also always comma after explitives. Oh my god, Oh god, You see,

lol.. I'm from NJ. They hired Courtney to do that video, but it did launch her career.

God (too)busy daydreaming.

Check for typos...like Hog wood

I loved the demise of Helen Superbitch.

Lol...this group camping?

Good story, I shave shelve to give you some exposure. But the two of you need to go over this with a fine toothed comb. There are many errors and missing commas that distract the reader. You'll do fine if you take care if these.

Hope you have time to take a look at Kate, Blue Jeans , and a Single Shot..not chick lit, not lite fare, it's a thriller:)

Sangay

PS...leave messages to comments in the member's comment box, most don't return to see your response:)

Good point about the blow job, i like to think of her so naive and sheltered but your right maybe i just need to put that she is sickened at the thought of doing that.

Thank you :)

Thank you for your comments, in regards to the chapters i messed up loading the chapters the first chapter is actually the first three chapters d'oh!

Good point in regards to the main characters though, i will take a good look at this.

I'm of to read yours as it sounds like my kind of thing, i can imagine with the current climate your book would do really well.

Hi, I think you have created a believable world with believable characters, but I agree that it needs quite a bit of editing. For this site, I think your chapters need to be shorter (something we have had to do also, with THY). Then you are perhaps trying to race through everything at a 100mph, maybe we need to get to know the main characters a bit better. I am no expert, but I would say that your main problem is, structure. There is lots of fun stuff in there, though, and lots of scope for your story's development. Will back it.

Hi, I think you have created a believable world with believable characters, but I agree that it needs quite a bit of editing. For this site, I think your chapters need to be shorter (something we have had to do also, with THY). Then you are perhaps trying to race through everything at a 100mph, maybe we need to get to know the main characters a bit better. I am no expert, but I would say that your main problem is, structure. There is lots of fun stuff in there, though, and lots of scope for your story's development. Will back it.

Yes its the first draft, advice would be appreciated as to what you think needs to be done?

This sure is funny. But there is much work to be done here. Is this your first draft?