HEAD GAMES

Impressive.

Jon

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A gripping start. A depraved main character. Vivid imagery. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'After what seemed like an eternity' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
2) "Is there a problem officer?" Comma after 'problem.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
3) "Nothing, Sir." Abdi said ... Comma after 'Sir.' Abdi said' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation).
4) "Fuck you!" One of the girls yelled back. 'One' should be lowercase. 'One of the girls yelled back' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name).
5) 'Abdi felt enraged for feeling inferior.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe his enragement so vividly the reader will experience it along with Abdi. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.
6) 'Then his sensitive nose caught the faint scent of human blood.' When you mention 'scent' try to characterize it. This is particularly important here because you portray Abdi as scent-sensitive. How does blood smell? Medicinal? Spicy? Musky? When you characterize 'scent' you drawn the reader further into the scene.
7) 'Just like his first time with a warm corps.' 'Corps' should be 'corpse.'

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next rehuffle your bookshelf?

Have a sensational day.

Al

Head Games was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. Read, liked, star rated, and backed. Hope you will find a place on your shelf for their book.
Rog50

Read a good bit of it. I have to say that I enjoy it. The writing is good, the formatting could use a bit of work, but most of all, the plot is intriguing and, as at least another reviewer put it, very unique. Its plot so far is gritty and realistic- fascinating.

Eerie, gory, nasty, this is a novel catering to the basest of human fixations; certain to be a hit for a certain depraved audience, and possibly a porno-expose' movie. While not my favorite kind of reading, it delves into the mind and needs of a hopefully small contingency. Other than quite a few misspellings and clumsy English, it is well written; deserving of a place on the extremist lit list. Backed.

Chuck-- Marshall Warren -- author of "Sunrise, Sunset." my novel of Power, Politics, Sex, Mother Earth & Money.

This is exceptional storytelling; completely rivetting; frighteningly credible
the story line is new to me
Abhi sounds young; he is scarred of course from his past but seriously scary
hoelbeck is an unpleasant character to this reader
i hope he turns out to be an efficient cop; i like his mother in law and her italian food
the writing is absolutely first class
Well done
backed
micheal O'Durcain
Murder on the Menu

Head Games

Here we have the makings of a powerful novel...instantly gripping, menacing, dark, disturbing. From the very beginning of chapter 1 we climb into the head of one very disturbed man/ serial killer .
I couldn't stop reading, despite my feelings of revulsion and the brutally succinct descriptions , I could not put this down. An amazing novel and a must read.( One critique, get rid of adverbs.)
Alison Butler (ps . This will stay on my WL)

Dark and gripping: I'm hoping there's an element of satire here; can't see the angle but may be you have. What are you trying o say about modern society? America? War? Death? Backed by Brammers, The Kingdom Within.

Very impressive!
One gritty but extremely well told story. It’s not often a story is that well told it feels authentic and true, the thoughts and actions of Adbi felt very congruent. Very much liked the rawness and need for self-determination against the angst of his Grandfathers religion. I think this is the start of a very, very good book!

Yikes! This is one disgusting subject! Where do you get this stuff? (Don't answer that - I don't want to know!) But I have to back you because your writing is so intense and compelling that I read the first chapter even though it's about as foul a subject as anyone could imagine. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Lets say your work is interesting to say the least but i'm not sure whether that is good or bad. Your plot is very original but also very graphic, disturbingly so. My mind is conflicted over your work as I'm slightly worried about how you came up with the characters and the plotline but I also think your writing is intriguing. Overall I am going to edge towards the part oof my mind that suggests this is a good story and will therefore back it. Could you have a look at my manuscript The Sacred Pool.

Laurence

HEAD GAMES

Benoit Akoa

Very unusual plot. Full points for originality. That last sentence of your long pitch had me cold and shivering - haven't felt a chill like that from reading anything in a long time. And that's just one line of your long pitch!! Very well done. One not for children I might add. Perhaps you might want to tag this as adult? Heavy reading this first upload. Phew! And after all of that Abdi felt NORMAL, the same way he did when he was a child soldier in Somalia. This is a good psychological one. Can't say I want to come back for sure and read more about Abdi - I'll probably need to bring along that strong drink and a therapist. Good writing - effective to say the least. on my shelf and all the best in getting this published.

Dear Benoit --

The four chapters you've uploaded so far are not only intriguing but psychologically complex, from Abdi's subservience to the cop to his eager joining in with the myserious man and the head to his ability to charm and entertain the children in chapter 2. We were especially engaged when you introduced Hoelly and his obvious flaw coupled with his commendations. We get the sense that Abdi and Hoelly will become worthy adversaries, and we're not exactly looking forward to finding out more about the mysterious man, but we are compelled. Our main suggestion for now: in your pitch, correct "Golf War" to "Gulf War."

Thank you for supporting The Long Black Veil and bringing us over to read Head Games; we're happy to return your backing. -- Delhui

Thank you for the comments. Except that they are not fucking a skull but a recently decapitated head in its mouth, (the body is still slumped over next to them which he attacks under the watchful eye of the old man). In addition, if you read further, the impaled heads have been soaked in bleach thus destroying all DNA.

'Besides, your breath reeks...'
headset (headste)
'...warm corpse. Corps is pronounced 'core' and means group and corpse (with an E) is a dead body. Minor nits.

When he sees the girls and they flip him off, why do you say he feels inferior? Does he feel inferior or do they make him seem inferior. Nothing about this comes across as him feeling inferior. He feels very superior. It's part of what fuels his anger and his need for violence. He feels superior, but they see him as inferior, beneath him. he needs to make them see him as he sees himself, to bow to his superiority. It is their feeling of entitlement he wants to take away. The psychology of this misses the mark just slightly.

Abdi sees the old man as creepy and he's just screwed a skull? Doesn't track. Also, unless they are screwing the skull through a hole in the back or top, it would be painful. The skull at the neck has some tissue, but there is a spine and the jaw bone in the way. This should be made clear.

If they are going to leave the skulls impaled along the highway, they're going to be very easy to catch since they have left DNA in the skulls that will track back to them. Evidence of their skull screwing sessions will be their downfall, especially since they ejaculated. Modern forensics make this an improbable scenario for getting away with it. They should also vary the tools they use to dismember the bodies since that might also give them away. The details make or break the probability and possibility of a story like this. Good luck with it.

JMC
Among Women

I read some your first chapter, and I must say it is a very good start. The things with Abdi is very different and interesting, I am sure this book can give a lot and i hope it gets published soon.

shah

'Besides, your breath reeks...'
headset (headste)
'...warm corpse. Corps is pronounced 'core' and means group and corpse (with an E) is a dead body. Minor nits.

When he sees the girls and they flip him off, why do you say he feels inferior? Does he feel inferior or do they make him seem inferior. Nothing about this comes across as him feeling inferior. He feels very superior. It's part of what fuels his anger and his need for violence. He feels superior, but they see him as inferior, beneath him. he needs to make them see him as he sees himself, to bow to his superiority. It is their feeling of entitlement he wants to take away. The psychology of this misses the mark just slightly.

Abdi sees the old man as creepy and he's just screwed a skull? Doesn't track. Also, unless they are screwing the skull through a hole in the back or top, it would be painful. The skull at the neck has some tissue, but there is a spine and the jaw bone in the way. This should be made clear.

If they are going to leave the skulls impaled along the highway, they're going to be very easy to catch since they have left DNA in the skulls that will track back to them. Evidence of their skull screwing sessions will be their downfall, especially since they ejaculated. Modern forensics make this an improbable scenario for getting away with it. They should also vary the tools they use to dismember the bodies since that might also give them away. The details make or break the probability and possibility of a story like this. Good luck with it.

JMC
Among Women

You have crafted a most intriguing and complex storyline and I like the way in which you subtely bring in just a hint of foreshadowing in the first two chapters. I'm not sure about your use of the first person narrative in chapter two however. It changes the pace somewhat. Your character development of Abdi and Hoelbeck is excellent and your gritty, descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Intriguing premise and a gory story combined. Like the Amecan TV show Dexter, this tale of serial killing seual sadist holds the readers attention due to your capable style and clever use of detail. I just wouldn't ant to be the one to be his guest in the hidey hole in his garage. Backed.

Good luck with it, See you at the ED.

Sincerely,

Will

Actually, the behavior (Necrophilia) is not extreme and more common among serial killers than most people realize. Bundy, Kemper, Dahmer, Ed Gein Gacy, Bianchi & Buono, Trenton Chase just to name a few, I could name at least 30 serial killers who practiced necrophilia and sexual acts with human body parts.

The hamstring:
the human hamstring occupies the posterior of the body of the femur, right under the gluteus maximus, The term hamstrings actually refers to three elongated muscles that run from behind your knee to underneath the buttocks. The word ham originally referred to the fat and muscle behind the knee. String refers to tendons, and thus, the hamstrings are the string-like tendons felt on either side of the back of the knee. Another commonly accepted origin is that legs of ham used to be hung by a hook through the space between the thighbone and the tendons behind the knee. Ham/pork used to be more common in England than beef and lamb.
The protrusion of thighbone through the hamstrings is a common injury, and is usually fixed by introducing a titanium rod in the bone etc.
Corn Belt:
Corn Belt is the correct spelling,
Middle America, also known as the corn belt typically it is defined to include Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, and eastern Nebraska, eastern Kansas, southern Minnesota and parts of Missouri together accounting for more than half of the corn grown in the United States. The Corn Belt also sometimes is defined to include parts of South Dakota, North Dakota, Ohio, Wisconsin, Michigan, and Kentucky.
For that reason, linguists prefer to call this accent the 'Midland' dialect. What characterises the 'Midland' accent is that it is plain, flat, easily understood and fairly standard. Unless someone has an obviously unique accent or dialect, they are considered to have a plain American accent, which is associated with the Midwest and Great Lakes region. If you ask a Midwesterner what kind of accent he has, he'll more likely than not say that he doesn't have one. Of all Americans, people from the Midwest are least aware of their speech patterns1. Certainly, to British, Australian or even Canadian ears the Midwestern accent would sound odd, but in the realm of American English, it's about as plain as you can get.
Because of their easily discernible dialect, Midlanders tend to be more likely to get jobs in mass media. Television anchors, weathermen, radio announcers and advertising voiceover people all tend to come from areas with Midland accents. Aspiring actors pay exorbitant fees to speech coaches to lose their natural accent and adopt the Midland, in order to get work. It is thought that a plain accent will appeal more broadly to all audiences, everywhere. However, in some places local residents actually resent the fact that their local reporters say the word 'curb' or 'murder' wrongly. The mass-media proliferation of the Midland dialect has also caused alarmists to fear that regional and local dialects will be flattened out and homogenised throughout America.

Allegra’s torso on his thighs
Allegra is a tiny woman and Hoelbeck a huge man, that said, her entire upper body fits snuggly on his thighs

hullo Benoit. we have spoken before. this is extreme behavior even for a serial killer. Although there appears to be three MC so far i can see how you plan to tie one unknown into one of the MC's.But, I've got some questions,...what is a 'flat Corn Belt accent of a CNN reporter'? Corn belt should be lower case and CNN reporters generally don't hang out in the 'corn belt', that doesn't fit. 'It was his thigh bone sticking out from the hamstring', not physically possible. 'Laid her torso on his thighs' doesn't sound physically possible either. Ch.4-'her fishnet mini skirt' no such thing to my knowlege. Then you said a 'tight fishnet tube dress. Is it a skirt or a dress? And again fishnet usually applies to stockings or pantyhose. You have a good start but don't forget all the blood decapitation brings about. With the blood CSI people may not need a body. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

Hi Benoit, your comments below make some good points which I also noted, but for me it was all about the story and that is certainly worth the read. Most enjoyable. I have a feeling I've read some of this before a long time ago, but if i did then it's greatly improved ( I might be mixing it up -- my memory is a bit lazy). Anyway, I've backed you and thanks for the excellent offering -- a difficult and heart-breaking story, thus far told with great panache.

Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

hullo Benoit. we have spoken before. this is extreme behavior even for a serial killer. Although there appears to be three MC so far i can see how you plan to tie one unknown into one of the MC's.But, I've got some questions,...what is a 'flat Corn Belt accent of a CNN reporter'? Corn belt should be lower case and CNN reporters generally don't hang out in the 'corn belt', that doesn't fit. 'It was his thigh bone sticking out from the hamstring', not physically possible. 'Laid her torso on his thighs' doesn't sound physically possible either. Ch.4-'her fishnet mini skirt' no such thing to my knowlege. Then you said a 'tight fishnet tube dress. Is it a skirt or a dress? And again fishnet usually applies to stockings or pantyhose. You have a good start but don't forget all the blood decapitation brings about. With the blood CSI people may not need a body. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

Backed.

This is an excellent psychological style thriller, blending the facets of tense thriller and dark crime perfectly. There are a couple of typos in your pitch "unthincable" should be "unthinkable" , but other than that this piece has a strong style.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Dear Benoit, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already backed your book, I will put your book on my watchlist. Could you please take a moment to back my completed unedited memoir version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which at the end tells of my illness now & 6th abusive marriage. I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
authonomy quotes: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy

HEAD GAMES
Serial killer stories are really not my thing but this is certainly an interesting look at what must go inside the head of such killers. Your writing style is good for this; you give enough information a reader knows where he is and what is happening; not so much it bogs down the story. Has a good ominous tone that pervades the entire story. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

It's an excellent pitch though you've missed the 'D' off 'impaled'. The introduction is a chilling definition.Abdi is an even more chilling example of it. The terseness of your prose suits the subject matter, it needs no further embellishment. It's the most authentic and unnerving serial killer account I've read so far. i think it might get too much for me but I'll persevere. Read only the first chapter but backing it now. Lynn

Dear Benoit, How could anyone do this? Are there really people that mental ill that would take another's life? Your pitch is ver descriptive - a synopsis of your story which is hard to believe - will people buy it? Does this really happen - I'd sure not like to be anywhere around. When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :)
Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote.
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.
backed :)
Love, Susie :)