Book Jacket

 

rank 1065
word count 10963
date submitted 24.06.2009
date updated 30.07.2010
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult
classification: moderate
incomplete

The Lycetta Legacy

James Jossak

Julia discovers her ancestor’s secret and embarks on an exciting adventure that opens her eyes to a whole new world of strange and mysterious people.

 

Julia Lynch is a seventeen year old girl living with her mother and studying for her A-levels. She has just recovered from the death of her father when an encounter with a mysterious man turns her world upside down.
He tells her a secret about her family that stretches back more than eighteen hundred years, and it opens her eyes to a whole new world of people with strange and mysterious powers.

 
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tags

fantasy, holy grail, knights templar, magic, teenager

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Chapters

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Le-Beau's Legacy

Chapter One

‘Le-Beau’s Legacy’

 

A gentle breeze entered through the large open archway of the magnificent banquet hall. The flames of the two candles that adorned the long granite table flickered; their golden glow illuminated the gilded pillars and marble floor. In the valley below, the city was sleeping, only the torches of the many watchtowers punctuated the night as the four occupants of the room looked out.

“Do not look so troubled, My Lady. He is gone, and no longer will his actions be cause for our concern.” The deep voice of the tall, dark-skinned man filled the chamber. He leant upon the back of one of the golden thrones and took a mouthful of wine from the large chalice that stood before him.  “Banishment to the depths of Baleenoch-Mau is final. It is a destination from which no one has, or ever will return.”

“Yes, yes, yes, I agree. We must not dwell on this, we must be thankful. We will not see him or his kind again.” The voice that now spoke was higher in pitch but just as loud, and came from the short, portly lady who stood in the doorway. “Now come, let us retire and put this dreadful business behind us.”

The two figures who sat at the table remained silent. Neither of them made any moves to follow the others who continued their conversation into the corridor, their voices became ever fainter until they were too far away to be anything more than a barely audible humming.

The beautiful lady reached out and held the man’s hand as she spoke. “I am afraid I do not share the others’ sentiments.” She looked up into his eyes then quickly bowed her head away from his stare. The golden-red curls of her silken hair dropped across her face.

“Now you must go, My Lord. Go and carry out your duty as you have done so diligently all these years. But I beg of you, be careful. I fear everything is not as it seems. I see a dark and dangerous shadow looming on the horizon of our futures. It is growing in size and strength. You must be vigilant, My Lord, our destinies depend upon it.”

“I will, Lady Grendwin, I assure you.” With that he stood up, gave her a courteous nod and silently left the room.

She did not follow him, instead she turned her head and was transfixed by the eerie violet glow of the night sky. There was nothing to be done except let destiny decide their fates.

 

Twenty-Two Years Later

 

Stood against barren hillsides, the black stonewalls of Caldeegan Fort were almost lost from view. Only the light from the moon and stars offered any hint of the building’s presence. As they shone, the sharp edges of the turrets and parapet were highlighted in a white glow reminiscent of a chalk drawing on a blackboard.

A single, dim red glow was visible at the top of one of the towers, created by a solitary candle and a window shrouded by a thin sheet of scarlet silk.

“Giles, Thomas, I think I shall leave you now. I have much to do and I cannot keep up with you any more, I am getting much too old.” The two men nodded their agreement as Sir John Le-Beau climbed the few steps to the entrance of the fort. He looked up to the top of the tower and sighed for he did not relish the prospect of climbing the spiral staircase, but he was getting tired and knew the comfort and warmth of his chamber waited for him.

In his prime, Le-Beau had been a commander for the Templar Knights, but now he was in his sixties and in contradiction to the vows of poverty he took all those years before, he had become a successful and wealthy man. Times had changed, and the Holy War had changed Le-Beau and his priorities. He had lost too many comrades and seen too much blood, both friend and foe, spilled on the sands of Jerusalem to any longer carry on along that path. He had not lost faith in his God, just in humanity and he did not see that he had lost his direction, rather that he had found a new one.

His beliefs and former masters were not the only things Le-Beau had left behind in the Holy Land, he had also left there a secret; a secret so sensitive that not even his trusted companions were aware of it. It was a legacy the importance of which Le-Beau himself did not know, one that would come to serve the future in a manner he could not possibly comprehend.

 

“Tha’s a little odd, don you think, Gilesy?” one of the guardsmen said as he peered out from the brim of his helmet and looked across the marsh surrounding the fort.

“What is, Thomas?” came the weary reply of Giles Montford, more than a little bewildered that anything could be odd enough to raise Thomas Wicks from his drunken slumber, while feeling himself a little delicate after the drinking game they had enjoyed earlier that evening.

“Tha, over there… see it looks dark.”

“Well of course it looks bloody dark, it’s the middle of the night, man. Christ’s teeth, how much did you drink, Thomas?”

Thomas paused, as if desperately searching for a witty response; unfortunately, nothing came to him, not tonight, not in his current state.

“No, I mean it seems darker ‘an usual.” He looked towards the sky and pointed. “Look, not a  cloud in the sky – but no light neither, not even the stars seem shining.”

“Think you’re going a little mad, Thomas,” came the reply. “It’s just the drink; I think you need some sleep, man.”

But there was something in his friend’s words that led Giles to think maybe Thomas was right.  As Giles scanned the vicinity, he felt more like a novice watchman on his first duty back in the Holy Land than a seasoned crusader.

Without any warning and not a single sound, not even a footstep, a tall cloaked figure, his face obscured by the dark, stood before Giles and Thomas.

“Bloody Hell, were’d you come from?” Thomas was almost knocked off his stool, only managing to steady his fall by leaning against his sword.

Giles was equally shocked, but he had always had a little more restraint than Thomas, and managed to conceal his surprise well.

“Sir, a little late to be wandering so aimlessly on the moors, is it not?” Giles said, “You seem to have quite startled my good friend here. Are you lost?”

“Is this the home of Sir John Le-Beau?” the hooded stranger asked, his voice calm yet menacing.

“I’d like to know who’s askin’, stranger,” replied Thomas, now fully recovered from his stumble, and as always ready to stand to protect his Commander.

“Is this the place where I may find Sir John Le-Beau?” the figure enquired again.

“As I say, who’s…?”

“Now, Now, Thomas, don’t forget your manners,” interrupted Giles.

“As I was saying, who would like to know,” Thomas restated the question with authority.

“You will tell me if I can find Sir John Le-Beau at this location, or suffer the consequences for your lack of manners.”

With that, both Thomas and Giles reached for their swords, with hands still quick and agile from their years of training and fighting. But even with their speed they were no match for the lightening reflexes of the dark stranger. Without so much as a sound, the two men found themselves immobile, lying on their backs looking directly at the stranger. His hood was pushed back and Giles was able to his face. It was the whitest skin he had ever seen and his eyes were nothing more than two jet black orbs – cold and lifeless.

“What is the meaning of this, why are you here?” Giles demanded, “You do not…”

“I have given you fair warning.” The stranger cut across him and placed his hand upon Giles’s chest.

Then silence.

 

A few moments later the stranger stood up and straightened the hood of his cloak. He calmly made his way up the steps and into the fort, leaving two dead bodies behind with no visible wounds.

With the all consuming darkness at its greatest, he had little difficulty in spotting the only source of light, the single dim red glow from the highest room of one of the towers. He made his way through the courtyard and into the foot of the western tower.

He ascended the spiral staircase with haste and when he reached the top he did not hesitate. He opened the only door and entered the chamber. A Tired old man sat at a desk surrounded by parchments and towers of coins.

“Good god Giles. Don’t tell me Thomas has fallen asleep again and you require my assistance to roll him into bed.” Le-Beau did not look up from his work as he spoke. “I’ve told you before, I am far too old for this nonsense. Just let the drunken swine sleep where he is.”

“Yes. Yes you much older than I remember.” The stranger spoke as he studied his prey. “I must say, Twenty years have not treated you well.”

The old knight stopped writing and raised his head. There was no look of surprise on his face; perhaps his eyesight was failing him as much as his body, or maybe his military training had prepared him for surprises.

“Good evening, sir.” He spoke softly. “I must say, I was not expecting a visitor at this hour, but you seem to know me, have we met before?

“We have not met, but I know you. Sir John Le-Beau.” 

“Then you have me at a disadvantage. May I have the pleasure of knowing your name?”

The stranger thought for a moment, his objective was clear and he could dispense with Le-Beau with as much ease as he did the guards. But he was happy to humour the knight. He had waited for this moment for a very long time and found no reason to rush it now. What harm could it do to give him his name?

Felkray Distoria.” He said.

“I am afraid that name means nothing to me.” Le-Beau sounded weary. “I have met many people in my time, both friend and foe, but none with a name such as yours. Do tell me, I am I right to be concerned about your visit.”

“Why would you think...”

“It is a strange hour to pay a social call” Le-Beau interrupted him. “And forgive me, Felkray, but your sudden appearance brings with it an ominous sign.”

Felkray did not give an answer, instead he continued to stare at the knight, trying to gauge what to do next. He had never hesitated over killing anyone, but this death would be different. This death had been planned for a very long time. His thoughts were broken when Le-beau spoke again.

“I must know, Felkray, is there anything I have that you want?”

“Yes, yes there is. Your life.” He said as he took a few steps forward.

Despite his appearance, the elderly knight stood up with the sprightly agility of a man half his age. The chair he sat on was sent tumbling backwards, and from beneath the desk he pulled his trusted sword that had served him well in many a battle. He held it out in front of him in readiness for the confrontation.

However, Felkray knew his actions were in vein and in the blink of an eye Le-Beau’s body was held in place by an invisible force. The knight’s eyes stared up at him as if hoping for an answer. But he offered no words to his victim as he watched his life drain away. Le-Beau was at peace.

 

The room was now silent. He slowly walked across to the window and pushed aside the scarlet shroud. Felkray waited for something to happen; a sign that he had been successful, but there was nothing.

“Felkray, why, why have you done this?” A voice came from the shadows behind him. “Why have you chosen this path?”

He did not turn round, instead his gaze stayed fixed on the courtyard below. The fact that another person had just appeared in the room caused him no concern. He recognised the voice immediately.

“Why? Isn’t it obvious, my old friend? Do not pretend your desire for power and glory are any less than mine. We all came here with the same intent, and yet we have all fallen victim to the allure of the power.”

“I do not need to think. I know what you have done, what you are striving for. They are actions neither I, nor any other member of the council is capable of. I think you know this too.” The man answered with sureness in his voice, a true conviction. “I cannot deny that power is alluring, glory is sought by all men, but to do what you have done is wrong.”

“Do not speak to me in this manner, do not raise yourself above me,” Felkray’s anger escalated and he turned around to face the other man. “I am not alone in my desire, the only difference between me and the others is that I am willing to act, and now I am one step closer to my goal, one step closer than you or any of the other council members will ever be.” He lowered his head and thought for a second. “You see, the others have fallen victim to my desire for power. Their opinion is of no concern to me or anyone else. Dalatey and Henchfort Mallafest, Maridia Loudrun and Wowl Rosstaryn, they are all gone, dead by my hand. Killed for their weaknesses, and their noble cause.” As he spoke these words an evil smirk spread across his face.

The other man emerged from the shadows. In an instant he covered the ten foot gap separating them and stood face to face with Felkray. The two of them looked at each other with utter distain and Felkray could feel his anger rise.

But this was a confrontation Felkray did not have the desire to entertain or the confidence to win. Despite his arrogance and power, he had to admit he did not want to test his mettle against his old friend. He had gained a fearsome reputation both in battle and against those he saw as an enemy to his cause.

“I do not wish to cause you any harm, friend,” Felkray spoke first. “But I feel it is time I departed.”

“Friend is not a term I feel I will ever again use in relation to you, Felkray, not any more. Astril and Mystoria will not be so lenient this time, they will have your soul for this. Your desire and single-minded path of destruction are not traits I, or the Council, will tolerate.”

“Tolerate? How dare you. You speak as though I need your permission, need your approval to carry out my work, my destiny.” Felkray spat the words at the other man. “I have neither the time nor the inclination to continue this discussion with you, or to seek approval from you or the Council. You make me sick with your archaic ideals.”

 

There was a blinding flash of light followed by an eerie silence. Felkray was gone and the remaining man found himself in a cloud of rancid smoke. He straightened his cloak and held out his hand. The smoke began to swirl around him as it was sucked into his palm until it vanished with a low hiss.

He walked over to the window and looked upon the marsh surrounding the Fort. The strange darkness that had covered the land seemed to be lifting; the light of the stars and moon once again shone brighter, and the man could see the outline of figures on horseback. He knew it was also time for him to leave.

As he turned from the window he looked down at the floor and stared at the lifeless body of Le-Beau – his grieving would have to wait, he could not be found here. The sight of a silver powder lying on the floor next to the body broke his concentration. He knelt and put his hand out to touch it. As he picked it up and rubbed some between his finger and thumb he said to himself, “Ah, Felkray, that was a cheap trick. You will have to do better than that.”

Chapters

1

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Ruth Boaz wrote 921 days ago

Brilliant what I've read so far.

Simple and yet descriptive, I enjoy not knowing what is happening and it makes me want to read more. The combination of what appears to be fantasy and historical fact is intriguing. And as I read the blurb again while writing the comment after reading the first chapter I ask myself- 'What the hell is going on!' in an excited voice.

Your writing style is interesting, good use of description and not over described. I like the characters (even though most of the ones I've met are now dead!) because it seems clear who they are, what they are like i.e. drunk, honourable military man etc. And the darkness of what is happening (especially mirrored in it being nighttime) leaves you slightly tingling with wonder.

Well done James, you have me well and truly intrigued! A first for an Authonomy author...

RB

I look forward to reading more.

Maria Luisa Lang wrote 982 days ago

Dear James, I haven’t backed this because it’s partly set in Bath, one of my favorite places. My motive is far more compelling: there’s your extremely imaginative story, your very sympathetic and likable protagonist, your truly fascinating mythology and secondary characters, and your exceptionally evocative and graceful prose--indeed, yours is among the best writing I’ve encountered on the website, and I estimate I’ve sampled 500 books by now.

Superb powers of invention combined with wonderful craftsmanship. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

E.M. Logan wrote 595 days ago

I love the descriptions in your first chapter. They immediately transport me into your book.

Ali Headeach wrote 623 days ago

I like this. I like the idea, the unanswered questions, and I am left with the desire to read on and find out what happens. Your portrayal of Julia as a normal teenager is convincing. There are a lot of Grail stories around, based on the Da Vinci idea or something akin to it, but this seems totally original. I'm BACKING this. Best of luck with it.

Ali
The Fireghost

Jan wrote 627 days ago

Start at 'stood against the barren hillsides. It starts to read so well there. The previous section said little would have enticed me to read on.

xxglossylipxx wrote 642 days ago

I haven't read this book yet but it sounds like something I would write. So backed with pleasure and will read it when I get the time. All the best.
AH

paperbat wrote 644 days ago

James. Very creative. But rather than telling you all the good things, i just thought a more subjective comment could be more useful. After reading the first and third chapters, just make sure you dont make some of the events / scenes too 'local / British' in nature , as an international audience is what you need to pitch to. Hope that is of use. A publisher told me that for mine - so I adapted it. all the best.
Appreciate any critique / backing or sacking of my childrens book. Thanks.
Jerry - paperbat

Chipper10 wrote 647 days ago

very good story and plot. Backed.

I invite you to read or comment on The Rebel

God Bless,
Chipper

nsllee wrote 660 days ago

Hi James

I think I might have backed you before the first time I was on authonomy - I certainly remember the unfortunate fate of the two poor guardsmen. Anyway, I'm backing again - I still like your book! Hope you will take a look at mine.

Nicole

SammySutton wrote 680 days ago

James,

You have a knack for getting the eerie feeling across without overdoing or being gross.

My 14yr old son likes it!
Great Writing!
Very Market Appropriate, hopefully it will hit the shelves!
Great Work!
Backed!
Regards,
Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

Spellbound wrote 684 days ago

I've just finished the first two chapters - both were so different in writing style - but both were captivating and brought me right into the story - and the mystery behind chapter one - why were the killings taking place, for power, what else, the council?? Then, in chapter two, the way that you introduce Julia was fantastic - right on spot for the genre - then the mystery of the man and the alley - all a great suspensful touch. The range of emotions from here were felt - not just described, especially when she lost her father's picture...great job! Sincerely, April

Johanna Kern wrote 698 days ago

What a wonderful story! And so well written :)

Backed with pleasure.

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Despinas1 wrote 700 days ago

Backed with pleasure
Helen

Thumper859 wrote 701 days ago

Hi James.
A few quick thoughts up to and including Chapter Three.
Took a while to find out who Darillian Vespith was and what he was, but my curiosity got the better of me and I had to find out. Good way of keeping the reader interested. Thought that Julia was maybe a little too trusting before the introduction.
A bit like Harry Potter finding out he was a wizard. Same kind of 'making things happen when angry'
Julia was still in shock. maybe should end there? Already stated another coffee not needed.
Other than those nit-picks (or constructive criticism, if you will), am enjoying the story. Can't wait to see how it pans out.
Thanks,
Mick
Flirty Something

Peculiar wrote 704 days ago

Enjoyed the read but it should flow a little better. May I suggest one or two things that may help. In most places it would be better if you seperated the dialogue from thoughts and actions more. Use a different line. eg ' 'Giles,Thomas. I think I shall.... too old.' Next line-. The two nodded... This will help the flow of the story and maintain a fair pace.
Second line in Chapter 1.- Candles do not flicker 'slowly'
Cliches such as 'the blink of an eye' are nearly always wrong.
Try to avoid any sentences starting with a word ending in 'y' or 'ing'

Hope this helps . You are of course completely free to ignore my comments but I do mean them kin the best possible way.

Katherine Edwards wrote 709 days ago

Backed with pleasure. A lovely read with lovely lyrical writing and a gripping storyline. Well done. Katherine Strata

dalar1 wrote 715 days ago

You have been blessed with a great imagination. Nice work, well written and well thought-out.

D.E. LaRiviere (AKA Milo Saint) "Six of One" and "The Hand of Cain"

Zangler wrote 716 days ago

Wow. Almost a year on Authonomy. Good job.
Great title and excellent story telling. I only just started it and is watchlisted for a backing.
Thanks For your backing.
Good luck.
Christopher
Crossing The lIne

January wrote 716 days ago

Beautiful lyrical writing! Right from the first word you know you are reading a winner. Backed with pleasure,
January

delhui wrote 716 days ago

Dear James --

An intriguing premise supported by your story that promises dramatic plot twists and turns. Julia has both a deep melancholy over the death of her father and a deep inner strength, nicely evidenced by her willingness to fight the bus driver without compromising herself. The end of chapter 2 offers a solid cliffhanger, drawing your readers deeper into the story. There are places where paring might be in order, such as Julia's repeated "NO!" over the loss of her father's picture -- we thought she might say a bit more than that -- but overall, The Lycetta Legacy has appeal, and Julia can readily carry the tale. BACKED. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

samtowle wrote 718 days ago

I'm a fan of fantasy and your's did not disppoint! I'll be back to read more!
Well done. Backed with pleasaure :)

djinnia wrote 720 days ago

i read the first chapter and amazingly you and my friend Zero-serenity (author or No Title Needed) write very similar. the only exception is that she writes in present tense and you in past. your descriptions were wonderful and your characters interesting. the only real nit i had was the dialogue was a little stiff at times. it detracted a from the story when i had to reread it to make sure i understood what they were saying. other than that i enjoyed it a lot.

me

Katherine Edwards wrote 722 days ago

Love the building mystery and vivid descriptions. And I love Bath! On my shelf.

name falied moderation wrote 725 days ago

James this is a really good read. Your profile grabbed me, though I did not get the magic of this book in it. You are up in the ratings on this site because of your work and CONGRATS . You have the adventure, and graphic characters that keep me wanting to read more. Knights Templars are certainly a draw but you carry on this draw with your easy flow and mystery. BACKED yes it is. If you could read some of my work I would really appreciate it and I would also welcome comments you can make, thank you

Denise
'The Letter'

Maria Herring wrote 727 days ago

Oooh, this is lovely! Shadowy folk, mysterious conversations, unexplainable deaths - what a cracking first chapter! Not to mention I love reading stories about the legendary Knights Templar, and from what I've read so far this promises to be a good one. Backed with enthusiasm.

Maria.

Rusty Bernard wrote 729 days ago

Hi James,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

Katriel1985 wrote 733 days ago

Hi James, I have been eager to read your story since I first checked out the pitch. It was better than I had imagined and I loved reading it. It is a beautifully written piece of with, with a strong plot and vivid descriptions. I like the way you have developed your characters and look forward to reading more. Backed with pleasure.

Joyanna
The Prince and The Sorcerer

A. Zoomer wrote 737 days ago

LYCETTA LEGACY

James,
Well crafted story through your easy and engaging writing style.
On my shelf.

A Zoomer
(Going Out in Style)

StillJustMe wrote 739 days ago

Well written, and I look forward to finishing it!

loplop wrote 741 days ago

James

I enjoyed this, from the second chapter onwards. It's the classic sort of situation that appeals to teenagers - finding yourself in a situation that's fantastic and exciting and out of control, all at the same time.

On the other hand I struggled with the first chapter. This is mainly due to the mock archaic language used. It's very-adjective heavy, and there's an arch quality to the dialogue that doesn't convince. An alternative method might be to use language that's more contemporary - I can remember Alan Garner doing this in Red Shift, and it worked very well. I'd certainly use contractions in the dialogue as I'm sure people used them in the past as well.

My other major criticism would be in chapter three, when Darillion is talking about the grail. That's an awful lot of dialogue for someone to speak at a single sitting.

These quibbles aside, I did like this, but do feel it needs a bit of tweaking from its present form before it reaches its full potential.

Good luck with your book.

Peter

Tiffini Johnson wrote 744 days ago

What an interesting story!! I read most of it this evening. I don't have much helpful things to say about it except that I liked it. I usually don't enjoy this type of story very much but your imagery was wonderful and engaging. Your style reminded me a bit of Edgar Allan Poe, actually, which convinced me to keep reading. I really liked Julia and her attention to detail, too.

Anyway, thanks for the reading of "The Character" and I hope this writing goes far for you!

Julia Rhodes wrote 745 days ago

The Lycetta Legacy is brilliant.
The premise is unique and quite complex.
You certainly create a lot of intrigue and I would love to read some more.
Absolutely fantastic and very well done indeed.

SusieGulick wrote 749 days ago

You are like totally fantastic, James. :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my 2 memoir books?
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

SusieGulick wrote 750 days ago

Dear James, I love the intrigue of who the guy is that's following the heroine - I didn't think it was her guardian angel - it would be scarey if I were following me. Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book to help it advance - this will help yours & mine move up on the charts. :) Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every "backing" you do moves your book & the other person's book closer to the top. :)

Caroline Hartman wrote 754 days ago

Dear James,
I'm usually not a fan of fantasy. Howevre, your characters, especially Julia, are so endearing. I liked the stranger following her--right off I knew he was a protector. I think this will do well.
Caroline
KC Hart /Summer Rose

Elizabeth Wolfe wrote 754 days ago

I enjoy this pitch even though I'm not too big on fantasy. Coming of age stories are so compelling. Julia is on a journey of discovery - very real theme. -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

CraigD wrote 755 days ago

This is a nicely written piece of work, just the kind of narrative that goes particularly well in book form (I hate reading off computer screens). As for the writing, the only critique I can offer is that every now and then you line up a few sentences in a row that begin with pronouns, which causes a lot of sameness. Recast a few of those, and it will improve the reading experience. I'm happy to back this for you.
Craig
The Job

blueboy wrote 758 days ago

Consider yourself backed. I enjoyed your your basic narrative and can see you have a interesting story to tell. My only suggestion, if you plan to edit, would be to tone down the flowery language of the narrativea bit. Your character development is good also, and I enjoy the imagery, buy the dialogue at times seems a bit forced, try to bring a easier tone to it (conversational) and i think you will do well. IThe story is interesting and really pulled me along and that is the sign of good story, so I wish you well. goodluck with your manuscript.


blueboy

ChrisPaternoster wrote 758 days ago

So sorry for the late comment. This was absoultely brilliant. It was very descriptive. It was very different in a good way :) Shelved with pleasure! GOOD LUCK

stoatsnest wrote 758 days ago

Very good. I enjoyed it. Small point-did you intentionally use the phrase 'posed no threat' three times? It deserves backing as you have talent.

cat5149 wrote 763 days ago

This is a beautifully written intriuging story. Shelved, with pleasure.

Carol

Esrevinu wrote 764 days ago

James, excellent storytelling--the writing is clean and flows well throughout the book
I love the short sentences and snappy dialogue. I think you made some great choices with the characters and dialogue. You will be in the top five in no time
Best wishes
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

eloraine wrote 765 days ago

Masterful and intriguing story, Loved it. Backed. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Jennipa wrote 767 days ago

love the beginning and you write to please, would happily carry on, the story sounds far from straightforward and something I'd like to get my teeth into. Wonderful!

Jen

Do You Believe in Angels?

DMR wrote 770 days ago

Wow - intriguing stuff!.. I, like some of your other readers, felt immediately out of my comfort zone between chapter 1 & 2 - what is going on here?! polished prose and the start of a very compelling mystery.. Backed and best wishes

Thunderbird wrote 771 days ago

The first two chapters are like two different books, with different styles. At first I thought I was reading a very good fantasy work. I am interested how you develop the differing approaches. I like the way you establish the MC in the second chapter and her relationship with her mother. This is a promising start. Good luck.

John
Call of the thunderbird

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 773 days ago

Beautiful contrasts & descriptions; neat and compact paragraphs which flow seamlessly from one to the next. There is a lot of originality here & I could see your book being developed into a film as well. Congratulations on a great submission - wishing you every success. Paula - How Mean is My Valley?

Bamboo Promise wrote 774 days ago

You described very well the contrast between the past and the present. Well written.
I am happy to back your book.
BAcked
Bamboo Promise

Becca wrote 774 days ago

I thought the opening setting description was beautiful, but would have preferred to open with a character personality and POV. The parallels between our two stories is so interesting. This is well written and a pleasure to back.
xBeccaX
Death before the Cherry Blossoms

Mooderino wrote 777 days ago

Your first paragraph read a little awkward to me. I think it's the adjectives attached to every noun that makes it feel a bit weird. Not sure, but something jarred me about it. In fact as I read further you seem to do it an awful lot, every object is large, or golden, or mysterious, or something. It didn't flow very well and the overuse of adjectives felt too much, imo.

The whole prologue scene didn't really serve any purpose other than to set up a vague feeling that something was going to happen, which is the same vibe you have before you read any book so not necessary to set up. There was a guy who was trouble but they think he's been taken care of but he hasn't really... not giving details or specifics means there's no tension, just some people who I don't know talking about someone else I don't know in a mysterious fashion. My point is, it didn't do anything for me.

I think the guard post would be a better place to start, although that is a matter of personal taste, so feel free to ignore.

I thought Thomas and Giles sounded inconsistent. Sometimes posh, sometimes common.

I thought the stranger had a rather easy time of it, killing everyone so easily. I can see that he is very powerful, but narratively not very interesting. he didn't want anything, didn't have any obstacles and then had a chat with another mysterious stranger and left.

You have made it clear there are things to find out in this story, what you haven't done, imo, is given me things of interest to distract me until I find out this stuff. Everything's too vague.

Julia seems an interesting character but her introduction felt too drawn out and full of unnecessary backstory. The minute details of her life aren't very engaging and the writing, while less vague, still felt overwritten, too much explaining and too much describing.

Personally i found the pace and the unfoucused narrative made it a very slow read and my mind began to wander by the time she got on the bus.

Best of luck with it.

regards
mood

T

carlashmore wrote 778 days ago

As a writer of children's fiction, I read more of that than any other genre. This has all the elements that I love in childrens/YA literature: adventure, mystery, intrigue, a great MC. Your prose is fluid and accessible and I would buy it in a heartbeat.
Carl
The Time hunters

Diane60 wrote 781 days ago

James,
a very complicated plot and narrative line. Like the premise maybe until the story is set up shorter chapters and then lengthen them to deepen the story? Not really a crit just something to throw out there.

:)

Diane