The Halo (of Delight)

Kendall,

You captured my interest right from the first chapter. The plot unfolds naturally and almost subtly. There is a sense of deep pain and remorse as you take the reader into the deepest part of Jacob, a man tortured by loss and a mysterious memory. And then you set up the intrigue even further by introducing the box with a lock and a carefully guarded key.

The tone of your voice adds an even fuller measure of intrigue to the story. It left me wanting to know more about the place in time that your story is set.

Although you had laid the bait so perfectly in chapters one and two, at the end of chapter three, you totally set the hook! Very crafty indeed!

Jacob is introduced under a veil of obscurity. We see a man inflicted with great mental anguish. We know he is handsome and artistic, and that he is capable of loving deeply. But something powerful and unspeakable happened that changed his life and self-worth forever.

Despite a couple instances of “head- hopping” with the point of view, the reader gets a clear sense that Eva is not as devious as we are first lead to believe. Somehow and for some reason, she is really looking out for Jacob’s best interest. It is this kind of mystery that makes a book remarkably haunting and addicting. Six Stars!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Kendall: I have to say I found this to be a very unique story, as much for what is being told, as for the way/style in which it unfolds. The immediate intensity of the story almost leaps out at you, confronting you from the outset. The phrasing and structure in which it is written, particularly at the beginning, almost seems to create a sense of a discontinuity with reality, which struck me a bit odd at first ("alighted", "expostulation", "I would have thought," began he, etc.). But then in time, it seemed to gradually coalesce down into a smooth cantor as the story progressed, developing both the essence of the main character and the world around him remarkably well. I found myself wondering if this unique style was a reflection of the main character's foreignness against the setting he finds himself in, or if it is simply the uniqueness of this world/time/culture itself. All of this, including the singular descriptions of the MC's thoughts and emotions for the simplest of things (e.g. a flower, a hint of a facial expression, etc.), starts the mind wandering, drawing the reader in all the more. You can't help but want to understand what exactly has/is happening to this character and the world in which he finds himself. Definitely a very unique read here, one that builds into a well defined, almost poetic piece.

Kendal, you've got an unusual, special book but I guess you already know that. How I like it when I come across books that disregard recipes of success, daring to leave the current, finally creating their own, original one. .

I found your first chapters magnetic: the inward, the description, the detail, the aura. I really admired how you manage to grasp the readers full interest in scenes where (outward) action is only subtle.

Risking to sound boring with praise, I also liked (very much) the way you weave the story, events and connections disclosed gradually, the two diaries invention. Both Cybele and Bellona are not more than convincing. It's as if there's a speaking psychograph of them.

If I have to come up with something of concern, that would be Eve, and the scene where she disappears with Jacob's possessions. A bit before that, I was under the impression that their destination was way ahead. There's some dialogue, and then they have already reached Downlanton. Perhaps it skipped my attention but I didn't feel that there had been such a long interval. Her motives of doing so are also not clear so far, but this perhaps is justified later on.

I'd definitely like to keep on reading. Top rated for now, to be shelved shortly.

All the best,
Evangeline

Dang! and that isn't the word I want to use. You friggin rock. Your opening chapter grabbed at me at once and it was almost like I was standing in your character's place. Your use of descriptive words was masterful, and I could see and feel it all. Excellently done. The tone and overall atmosphere were consistent and left me with a feeling of gloom, which I think was the general idea.
Grammar- check, punctuation- double check.
Everything I read was very well written so you get some time on my shelf. I hope it helps.
~Zero, No Title Needed

The Halo (of Delight).
Chapter 1 - Jacob, a man tortured, possibly severely depressed but very definitely weighed down by guilt. I think this would have a lot more impact and would certainly be more intriguing if the reason wasn't outlined in the pitch.
You use Jacob's name a lot, which can be a bit jarring as a reader is privy to his thoughts and feelings. It might be an idea to see if it is possible to keep his name to minimum.
Chapter 2 - A passenger, whom Jacob becomes aware of towards the end of the previous chapter, leaves the train and a woman invades his solitariness. Letter he appears to be obsessed with, spill out of a of their container, which the woman helps to retrieve.
Chapter 3 - Jacob is begrudgingly manouevred into communicating with Eve. Really great hook at the end of this chapter.
The author has conjured a very Victorian gothic feel, which has little to do with the setting but more with the prose and its structure. A sense of deep-rooted melancholy pervades the chapters read, that put me in mind of the film, The Woman in Black, recently watched at pre-screening to iron out glitches etc. Jacob's character is very well-drawn and comes across as a darkly-brooding, romantic figure and Eve, I feel, has much more to her than is first revealed as her interest in him seems more than would be normal. The prose, is smooth and polished and the author's confidence is shown in the slow-burning pace that eases a reader into his world.

Nanty - Chrys!

Hi Kendall. I'm hoping you might like to have a look at 'Jelly-Boy', my novel for teenagers. That is, if you can bear the idea of a hungry boy gutting, cooking and eating a seagull!
Julia Draper

Kendall,

You captured my interest right from the first chapter. The plot unfolds naturally and almost subtly. There is a sense of deep pain and remorse as you take the reader into the deepest part of Jacob, a man tortured by loss and a mysterious memory. And then you set up the intrigue even further by introducing the box with a lock and a carefully guarded key.

The tone of your voice adds an even fuller measure of intrigue to the story. It left me wanting to know more about the place in time that your story is set.

Although you had laid the bait so perfectly in chapters one and two, at the end of chapter three, you totally set the hook! Very crafty indeed!

Jacob is introduced under a veil of obscurity. We see a man inflicted with great mental anguish. We know he is handsome and artistic, and that he is capable of loving deeply. But something powerful and unspeakable happened that changed his life and self-worth forever.

Despite a couple instances of “head- hopping” with the point of view, the reader gets a clear sense that Eva is not as devious as we are first lead to believe. Somehow and for some reason, she is really looking out for Jacob’s best interest. It is this kind of mystery that makes a book remarkably haunting and addicting. Six Stars!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Very unique and great story! It really appeals to the reader and I loved it!
Thanks,
Scott

Kendall: I have to say I found this to be a very unique story, as much for what is being told, as for the way/style in which it unfolds. The immediate intensity of the story almost leaps out at you, confronting you from the outset. The phrasing and structure in which it is written, particularly at the beginning, almost seems to create a sense of a discontinuity with reality, which struck me a bit odd at first ("alighted", "expostulation", "I would have thought," began he, etc.). But then in time, it seemed to gradually coalesce down into a smooth cantor as the story progressed, developing both the essence of the main character and the world around him remarkably well. I found myself wondering if this unique style was a reflection of the main character's foreignness against the setting he finds himself in, or if it is simply the uniqueness of this world/time/culture itself. All of this, including the singular descriptions of the MC's thoughts and emotions for the simplest of things (e.g. a flower, a hint of a facial expression, etc.), starts the mind wandering, drawing the reader in all the more. You can't help but want to understand what exactly has/is happening to this character and the world in which he finds himself. Definitely a very unique read here, one that builds into a well defined, almost poetic piece.

I love the gorgeously creative names. Wonderful dream like quality to the novel.

Kendal, you've got an unusual, special book but I guess you already know that. How I like it when I come across books that disregard recipes of success, daring to leave the current, finally creating their own, original one. .

I found your first chapters magnetic: the inward, the description, the detail, the aura. I really admired how you manage to grasp the readers full interest in scenes where (outward) action is only subtle.

Risking to sound boring with praise, I also liked (very much) the way you weave the story, events and connections disclosed gradually, the two diaries invention. Both Cybele and Bellona are not more than convincing. It's as if there's a speaking psychograph of them.

If I have to come up with something of concern, that would be Eve, and the scene where she disappears with Jacob's possessions. A bit before that, I was under the impression that their destination was way ahead. There's some dialogue, and then they have already reached Downlanton. Perhaps it skipped my attention but I didn't feel that there had been such a long interval. Her motives of doing so are also not clear so far, but this perhaps is justified later on.

I'd definitely like to keep on reading. Top rated for now, to be shelved shortly.

All the best,
Evangeline

I only had chance to read the first two chapters but I was very impressed. I read the pitch and the first thing that grabbed me was the line - Jacob. She is dead. She died alone. Forsaken. By you! Fantastic way to draw me in and make me want to read more. At first I wasn't sure of the wording, it seemed quite formal but as I read on it fitted nicely into the overall 'feel' of the story. When time permits I will read more chapters. I've put you on my watchlist. Good luck on your path to the ED!.

Kim (Pain)

Your story is really interesting to me and I felt myself wanted to read more and to find out what happened more than I enjoyed the prose. Your first chapter is very much an internal monologue and not much happens - it seemed to me that there was a bit too much "soul searching" there and not enough action to draw someone into the story. You might want to consider cutting some of that out and getting right into the story on the train - or perhaps incorporating some of his inner monologue in-between his interactions with Eve. By the end of chapter 3 I was completely hooked - but you don't want a reader having to wait until then to get "hooked".

I was a bit confused by the exchange of letters between Bellona and Jacob - are these in her possession or in his? Are these the letters in the box or not? When were they written - you give a date but not a year...

In chapter nine - Eve cries "don't go in" and again I was confused about the sequence of events. Is she reading Cybele's diary?

Anyhow - I read all the way to the end and I do think you have the makings of a great story here but I think you need to add a bit more detail for clarity in order to help the reader understand the sequence of events and exactly what is going on here.

I wish you the best of luck because I think you really have something great here and I look forward to reading more if you post more!

All the best,

Rena

Not much for literary fiction, but after 4 chapters, I'm pulled into the story and find it written well, very happy to back. The mechanics are good, what issues I found are more a difference between American and UK writing styles and words. Good flow and character development.

Dang! and that isn't the word I want to use. You friggin rock. Your opening chapter grabbed at me at once and it was almost like I was standing in your character's place. Your use of descriptive words was masterful, and I could see and feel it all. Excellently done. The tone and overall atmosphere were consistent and left me with a feeling of gloom, which I think was the general idea.
Grammar- check, punctuation- double check.
Everything I read was very well written so you get some time on my shelf. I hope it helps.
~Zero, No Title Needed

You have a great pitch there that really creates a good sense of the story as well as great interest for potential readers. I've read the first two chapters and like the general premise and they have some nice turns of phrase. What you might consider though is to tighten up chapter one and combine it with chapter two. Chapter one seems to have many unnecessary phrases and sentences that really just repeat the sentiment the chapter is trying to convey and it really slows down the pace of the novel. For example in the opening paragraph you write "feel the sensation of burning in his eyes" really would be much tauter if you just wrote "his eyes burned." You really don't need to put in extraneous words like "feeling the sensation." In another area you write "consumer, devourer, tormentor of his soul." That comes across as overburdened and it loses its impact than if you just chose one the words. There is also a critical comma missiong in the sentence when the train departs. "again the train had departed [,]..." You might also consider reworking the opening sentence where you write "existence in humanity." Really, I think that he can exist in the world, but not in humanity. I wish you luck with this. You have a lyricism in your writing that, with tightening would be even stronger. Kristin

Kendall,
Brilliant writing! I was waiting for the "Delight" part of the story, so i'll look forward to reading the rest of your work and maybe then, understanf the enigmatic Jacob Elliott.
Six starts and placed in line for the shelf.
Maria

Kendall,

Magnificently written! Captivating from the start.
Chapter one had a brilliant opening, a lone tortured soul sitting in a train towards an unknown destination, what should be looked upon with excitement and trepidition however, is shadowed in fear and uncertainty..I had to read this chapter over twice before the full impact hit me...why was Jacob so sad? what caused him to feel so alienated from the rest of the world? What inner battles was he struggling against that caused him such inner and outer distress?
My feeling at this point of jacob was a broken man, someone who had given much, and lost more. Someone who had experienced something so mentally and emotionally draining that they could no longer relate to the world and the people in it..what could cause such damage? what could make a man detest relating to others so much? could make someone wan't not to be seen but rather disregarded so?


Move onto chapters two and three and this stranger, this woman approaches, eyeing him over as if she wishes to engage him regardless of the obvious irritation and lack of enthusiasm by which he shows her. The interest she shows in his letters as they are tipped out from their container made me wonder why a stranger such as she would show such interest in a box of papers...yes, unknown, mysterious letters do make the observer want to know more about the contents...but her actions and reluctance to hand over the two letters that she holds conveys something more...more sinister perhaps? Although I must admit I never saw the thievery of the letters..after seeing how desperate he was to claim them when they were spilled about the cabin, it would take someone cruel or someone with alterior motives to do something so damaging to someone they had never met and 'knew nothing about'?
Interesting chapter I think, invokes many questions and makes the reader wonder where exactly the story is going and what secrets these characters hide and what binds them together...

Chapter 4: Who exactly is Eve? Who is this woman with whom she is communicating with? why does she fear so much for being caught? Yes, to steal something is a crime, and a precious thing such as the box of letters would indeed invoke a feeling of fear or even remorse because you have given someone so obviously broken, harm, but fear? This once again raises many questions about Jacob. Why would this woman, who we now know is linked in some way to him, be so fearful of being caught? and what is she looking for in these letters? what is she seeking to find in the past of a broken man?

Come chapter five and my opinion of Jacob has changed, in the past he is a shy, reserved man..but he is passionate and artistic, with a love of life and a love of music...what changed him? Was it the chance encounter with Bellona and Cybele? At the start of this chapter I had thought Belona to be a caring and considerate friend, wishing only to please her friend, while my impression of Cybele was the complete opposite, she appeared vain, rude, condescending..as though she thought it was owed to her that others treat her with respect and awe..that she thinks she is such a beauty that all men should bow before her, and her poor plain friend 'paled' next to her beauty..
I thought at this point that she was quite a horrible person, and that poor Belona should not have to suffer for an incedent that occured when the two of them were just kids...Oh how wrong I am...

Chapter 6: at this point I still felt sorry for Belona, and thought that the letter she wrote in response to Jacobs passionate letter to Cybele was just...to masquerade behind the guise of anothers name, I feel she warrented what she got, yes it was a simple mistake on Jacobs part, but I'm still feeling a bit spiteful towards Cybele....so all I can say is haha!!

Chapter 7: My opinions of the characters are rapidly changing...Jacob is such a gentleman! that a woman should write him such a disgraceful letter in response to his own heartfelt letter is an affront to him, he who poured his heart and feeling out to a woman he was sure would return them only to get such a response...what a poor man to be caught up in a war between these two women pretending to be friends, each wanting to use him to make the other jealous, to make the other pay...but I feel that here, Cybeles feelings have changed and she wants to get to know him, not for revenge against Belona, but for herself...what a pity he now thinks of her as somewhat of a harlot...

Chapter 8: My opinion of Cybele and Belona has changed, rather now I feel sorry for Cybele and think Belona a tyrant...Belona knows how Cybele felt towards Jacob, and yet knowing this, she schemed to publically humiliate and hurt her 'friend', but then her plan backfired and Jacob thought no more of her passionate words than that of some un moralistic woman, she turns her scheme to not only hurting Cybele but Jacob as well....What could have twisted Belonas personality so much that she would think nothing of scheming to hurt her friend? Somehow I think that their is more to these two then meets the eye...yes, Cyble has cause to hate Belona, after all she did leave her to fend for herself in the midst of the flames, but what reason could Belona have to hate Cybele? what has Cybele done...and why is Jacob caught up in it?

Chapter 9: Wow, Belona is so cruel! conniving, vindictive, a harlot and altogether plain evil! She is nothing as she appeared in chapter five, rather she is the complete reverse..she hides behind a mask of friendship, of kindness, but remove that mask and she is as twisted as they come. She doesn't think twice of throwing herself at Jacob, no matter if it hurts her friend or him...as long as she gets what she wants and hurts Cybele in the process....This chapter is thought provoking, I can't wait to see what made Belona hate Cybele so much and to what lengths she will go to make her realise her hatred.
What will Jacob do? will he seek out Cybele and apologise? will she take tghat apology and believe what he says about her 'friend?', will he even say anything about it...This is an incredible story, with so many questions and secrets and so many elements of mystery wraped up in the past and future...I can't wait to see where this goes!

Bron
The Endless Awakening

This is a dark, mysterious book, Kendall, but a marvellous read. I have read the first three chapters and the only thing I can find to querie is the title. Does something delightful happen? I can't wait to read more and find out! Backed with stars and on w/l.
Best of luck.

Kate Grimes- LIZZIE -CUPPA TALES -TALES OF WILLOW GREEN.

The Halo (of Delight).
Chapter 1 - Jacob, a man tortured, possibly severely depressed but very definitely weighed down by guilt. I think this would have a lot more impact and would certainly be more intriguing if the reason wasn't outlined in the pitch.
You use Jacob's name a lot, which can be a bit jarring as a reader is privy to his thoughts and feelings. It might be an idea to see if it is possible to keep his name to minimum.
Chapter 2 - A passenger, whom Jacob becomes aware of towards the end of the previous chapter, leaves the train and a woman invades his solitariness. Letter he appears to be obsessed with, spill out of a of their container, which the woman helps to retrieve.
Chapter 3 - Jacob is begrudgingly manouevred into communicating with Eve. Really great hook at the end of this chapter.
The author has conjured a very Victorian gothic feel, which has little to do with the setting but more with the prose and its structure. A sense of deep-rooted melancholy pervades the chapters read, that put me in mind of the film, The Woman in Black, recently watched at pre-screening to iron out glitches etc. Jacob's character is very well-drawn and comes across as a darkly-brooding, romantic figure and Eve, I feel, has much more to her than is first revealed as her interest in him seems more than would be normal. The prose, is smooth and polished and the author's confidence is shown in the slow-burning pace that eases a reader into his world.

Nanty - Chrys!

read the first chapter am very intrigued way to go have backed with pleasure

An intriguing Victorian tale with an intense but slow-burn start. Some of the language seems a little bit antiquated to my ear, e.g. “yet evident despite the burden he carried”. I assume the aim is to mirror writing style of the period and when the text is a letter or a diary I have no problems with this, but where the text is from the POV of a neutral observing narrator and not a character POV, I personally found things a little strained and bordering on the over-written (especially the first chapter), but that is, of course, very much a question of taste and probably rightly indicates that I am not a lover of faux Victoriana

That said, the prose is smooth and professionally put together and the style has been constructed with commensurate craft. I noticed, however, the odd typo: “owner-to confront”, for example.

This isn’t really my cup of tea, but I am sure it will do very well with lovers of this form of dramatic read.

J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

Kendall,

I’m fascinated by the beginning of Chapter 1 of “The Halo (of Delight)”. Three words. Three sentences that evoke an immediate response on my part as a reader.
I love the choice of words you resort to – “the tunnel enveloped the train”, “inner turmoil”, “dismal blackness” etc. etc. etc.

As I read I realize we seem to write in similar styles, and I can’t help falling for it.

A couple of tips to make Ch 1 better; it’s absolutely fine if you think these tips are irrelevant, nevertheless:
In paragraph “His eyes, grey and tired…”/ second sentence – I’d put it “He turned them slowly, examining every detail…”. It’d read smoother.

In the sentence “The object discerned by his eye and which had touched his heart was this: a single, red poppy.” I would skip ‘this:’ it doesn’t need intensifying. You have already intrigued us by the sentences that come earlier, no need to overdo the tension.

Apart from those two, the first chapter is flawless. Way to go!
Six stars for a start. I hope I’ll get “The Halo (of Delight)” on the shelf pretty soon.

Ivan
The Beholder

Hi Kendall,
I reread chapter one and enjoyed it just as much as before, which is very much to your credit. Very professional and lyrical. Now, this time, I have a wee nit. His eyes, grey and tired. We don't normally think about the color of our own eyes, so this risks pulling someone from the POV flow. Perhaps: His eyes, bleary with fatigue . . . or something like that. Just a thought. Of course, after this you get into abstract impressions involving his inner vision, which are handled well--artfully. I love this entire section, the tears, familiar channels eroding. All of it lovely.
I'll pop back again. I always appreciate the thoughts of talented writers, like yourself, so, if you feel so inclined to comment on any little stint of Paradise Garden, I'd be grateful.
Cheers!
JBCampbell

Kendall,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that popped my eye is the urgency of the anomie. Here we have the emotional map of Jacob, a man that is first and foremost a "feeler", a man driven by a certain urgency. We first don't know the urgency, which makes it more felt for,

.....we fear the most that which we know the least ....

This urgency is helped by the style; this is a moment by moment narrative, proper of the YA style. So the reader is "held" by a dangling act that promises the next moment to be as intense as the previous one.

that, you deliver

"But the struggle..."
This paragraph tells a lot about your character; he is that Sartre's creature that fears above all the gaze. Well done

Some of my favorites

"fluttering in the breeze...."

"like a lost child returned to his parents..."

"from his pallid expression...."this whole paragraph has urgency all over

"foul tempests"

"leaving me to perish"

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I would replace a bit some of the emotional descriptions for body language descriptions

you write: "John paused for a moment...."
instead: "He stopped, looked around then said: .....
why?: the dialogue already contains his intention...why beat a dog twice?
you write: "she was startled by the look....
instead: "she saw his eyes going up and down, carousel like..."

why?
Because if you use body language to describe the emotion rather than name it, then the emotion unfolds in the reader's mind as he reads it. If you name it instead, what flashes in the reader's made is the name. That's it.

I would also cut a bit the self awareness:

you write: "Noticing that his posture..."
Instead:"His posture...." Simple...urgent.
you write:"As he turned toward the entrance...."
instead: "He turned toward the entrance and caught the gaze.." Simple...urgent
you write: "recognition of his own self consciousness...."
instead: "He was was powerless to act..." Simple...urgent.

why?
Because the jewel of your narrative is the emotional urgency of the character.
The self awareness takes away urgency.

Hope it helps,

Overall wonderful, 6 stars so that you can get some traffic going

david

Abosultely beautiful writing. Hm, and I know a few like Nora Miggins, I must say. Four chapters sped past with pleasure. Starred very generously. Will pop back in when I can.
Cheers!
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Dear Kendall, a riveting recherche of collective characters really helps carry this story. It just goes to show; and I am one who is just as ashamed! But how this site only favours the brave, [ Or those willing to spend copious amounts of time, crawling this site ]. To see such a book as yours, languishing so long. Its not a laughable matter any more. I am a lover of great Literature, which I've searched for other's all over the world. But when you find something that has been lost for so long, [ Like your book ], it begins to make you wonder! What have we been teaching our children. This book is written by someone with a passion for words, [ a word-smith ], I once heard someone describe it. And you have it Kendall. I can't justify why? Your book has been forsaken, only to say that fear not, because the company you keep is far greater than the popular fiction, that is soon forgotten. Good luck and best wishes with your book. And thank you, for leading me the way. Take care, Cicuta, [ Carl, Arcane ], ps, please look out for my backing.

merry Christmas to you, i am supporting this book again. enjoy the season,
j

On reading I was struck by the beautiful writing and the unusual way of presenting Jacob's point of view. The reader experiences his innermost thoughts, while at the same time the narrator describes the way he looks. My guess is that it's omniscient pov, but whatever, it works.

Only one sentence caused me any bother. The second to last in Ch. 1. 'Yet Jacob had not the inclination to pay attention to the male presence felt opposite and sensed by the powerful pupils to have much interest in him. The meaning could be made clearer by rewording and perhaps breaking up into two.

However, this is easily fixed. I'd like to back your book and hope that you will look over Still Rock Water.

Francene.

Dear Kendall,

Thanks for your support and bringing your novel back to my attention. Reading again, Jacob seems like an old friend. I dug up my comments from over a year ago:.
You were the first to comment on the chapters I put on site today. Thank's for your warm comments.
Naturally, I looked up your book, Halo (Delight), and was intruiged from the start.
And it being late, with the most amazing Caspar Friedrich kind of moon outside, I had no problem getting into the slow pace Jacob's isolating mind is moving in.
I'am reminded of a German 19 century author, Adalbert Stifter. In his book, Nachsommer (Indian Summer), he makes such minute observations. And there is Herman Hesse, and others. This kind of writing is a meditation to read. I love the mystery, the subtle ongoing suspense you achieve. I thought the p.o.v. flip at the end of chapter three worked, in that it prepares us for the shift in chapter four.
Looking shortly at chapter 26, the letter of Belladona De Silva is sharp, in a very different voice, which indicates mastery.
Highly rated, and on my WL for renewed support.

Pia (Ashen)

Hi Kendall,

I've only had time to read the first two chapters but on that basis I'm afraid the story isn't for me. I'm sure it becomes more exciting later on but the beginning is too slow. You need more action. I'm afraid the description of a train journey doesn't draw the reader in.

If the train journey, and the charactor introduced in chapter one is important to the story, leave it in but add a more active scene, or even a single reader-hooking sentence, before it.

On the plus side, the writing itself, based on this small sample is word perfect. I was unable to find a single error.

Not for me, but good luck with it.

Ron

Hi Kendall: I feel like I have the PBS channel on (in the states) and am watching a wonderful old English special.
This is very good and well written and I'm disappointed that you havent put up the remainder. Please let me know when you do, so that I can see the ending to this intriguing story. C.S.Poulsen THE INSIDERS

Hi Kendall,

strong pitch & wonderful delivery, my only observation is the letter in Chapt 5 would read better indented & in itallics, other than that - well done!

Rob

(GET LENIN)

Having read the first few chapters I do want ot know where the Jacob character is going though, unlike most comments it did not grab me from the start. Constantly changing from his feelings to his surroundings didn't feel smooth to me. Maybe it's just not a style I am use to.

He is obviously in pain and alone but felt it could have been a little tighter, maybe moving the conversation with Eve up into the second chapter rather than through to the end of the third.

I will continue to read all that you have posted as it is a good read and am I intrigued.

Good luck,

Red

The language feels right and from that you show the strain between the characters.

Crisp, clean writing. I enjoyed this.

Thank you for the support for Twin Fates.
First off, I think you did an amazing job with the pitch. Not everyone is good at writing these (I've found trouble myself). Your story is definitely interesting and I think you did a fine job at telling it, at least from what I've read so far. I'm putting this on my WL until I have more time to read another chapter!
~Richard
Twin Fates

Now that I've finished all that you have posted, I'm sorry it took me so long to read it. I wish I'd had more time sooner to read it. I like your style of writing. Good luck :)

I like what I've read, I've liked the synopsis and the short pitch because both of them wanted me to "open the book" and take a look.

You tone is ominous and dark which is good and sets the tone of things to come. However, personally, I wouldn't start a sentence with "And then" let along paragraphs. The times you have work just as well without the "And".

eg. "And then he saw it."

"Then he saw it".

If you wanted to bring across a more immediate realisation, maybe put something like "Suddenly" at the beginning of it... "Suddenly he saw it," or an exclamation mark works just as well, "Then he saw it!"

just my personal opinion, feel free to ignore :D

Kindest regards
Alan Dartnall
~The Demon's Vengeance~

The pitch outlines an interesting plot, and It seems to be developing well in the first few chapters. The period voice is well done, and generally feels very authentic and appropriate to the story. I would have one question mark, however. In chapter 3, Jacob and Eve introduce themselves by their Christian names - I would have thought that full names and titles would have been more in keeping with the setting.
That minor point aside, this is an involving story, and I'll be happy to have it on my shelf.

I was intrigued by your pitch and couldn't read this fast enough. What an enthralling story! Good luck!

The synopsis of this story is immediately intriguing, really catches the reader's attention and draws them in. You've obviously worked hard on the plot and on developing your characters and your writing has a real depth. I will offer any comments as soon as I find anything to note but, so far, a very impressive novel.

I think I backed it already but will try again anyway, best of luck.

Jack Hughes
Dawn of Shadows

Not my genre but I dipped in and out found the opening chapter very dramatically written. Looked at three and seven - am wondering how far along you are with this as clearly there is editing to do. Only its best to get the story completed then hone and polish.
I wish you luck.

The opening sequence on the train successfully makes the reader wonder about Jacob's history and sets the tone and the world solidly. And honestly, I feel like it's a rare thing to read gothic work that attempts to bring the style back to Dickens, Poe, or Lovecraft at its most sinister. It's an old style and it suits the content well. Four chapters in and hooked by the narrative. Backed!

Hi, thanks for the backing...I've watchlisted your story, it looks good. I can't wait to read it :)

Lovely writing and a great story with interesting characters. Enjoyed it. Backed.

High Kendall,

Only had time to read five, but they were enough to tell me that The Halo is worth BACKING. The writing is excellent, the characters are well thought out, as is the plot. I think you could go pretty high on the greasy pole with this one.

Frank James (the Contractor)

Kendall,
Totally enthralled by your writitng style and story.
Read all 9.
Hope you get onto the list soon it deserves more success!
:)
Diane

Very different to anything I have seen for some time. You make us continue reading by evoking our curiosity and it is a very successful startegy, well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Thank you for checking out "Iniquity Shall Abound"!
I have backed your book and wish you every sucess!
Michael

I was surprised and delighted (sorry it is not a pun) by The Halo(of Delight). I did not expect to get caught up so well in the characters and story. It is beautifully written and flows well from one character to the next. The first chapter really hooked me and I had to read on, although it is not generally the sort of book I would read. I feel this book should go a long way, and so too the author. Good Luck Kendal, Backed with pleasure.
Norman. (Fromante)

Must kick off by saying that this isn't my usual choice of read but this looks like solid work. A well crafted story with a natural flow to the writing and credible characters. backed.
Adrian Lee

You give the opening a definite mood. It's quite lovely how you paint that picture.

Anne
Closeted Courage

You write description and emotion very well. One thing I suggest is that you have someone edit for you. You have a very long section of nothing but narration before you bring in any dialogue; this can become tedious for readers. You could also use a second eye to edit your punctuation and spelling/grammar. With a good editor, I think you will do well with this work. Best of luck to you.

Excellent imagery and detail. This is definitely one book I will continue to read. Backed with pleasure!

Best regards,
Jasmin
The Seasons, or, The Adventures of GREEM and Company

Very nice writing, and captivating. You do tend to make lists of things but other than that a well executed piece of work.

S.J.