You write competently enough, but the style could do with jazzing up, perhaps making more active as at the moment it’s telling more than showing. A lot of it being back-story didn’t help, as this always slows the narrative. I also noticed that you have a tendency to repeat lots of words close tog... view book

I felt you have got the framework for a story, but the punctuation and grammar problems drag it down. For example the first paragraph. When you speak about the filament and the batteries, I couldn’t understand what you meant. It’s overwritten, which makes it awkward to read. You could probably edit ... view book

You use some nice language and paint some pleasant imagery with words, but I think your main problem lies with punctuation, of which there are numerous errors, such as the following: I must get it touched up she thought – comma after ‘up’ to separate from ‘she thought’ “Yes,” she didn’t speak ... view book

You use some nice language and paint some pleasant imagery with words, but I think your main problem lies with punctuation, of which there are numerous errors, such as the following: I must get it touched up she thought – comma after ‘up’ to separate from ‘she thought’ “Yes,” she didn’t speak ... view book

You have a good way with words, but my main complaint is that you are telling me everything, but not showing me. It’s much more effective to write things as they happen. Show the reader a scene where Julie hasn’t left out his writing essentials, and he has a go at her, and it’s much more exciting to... view book