This is good, but I think it still needs tweaking. I know the process is neverending! I'm not sure you need the prologue. As long as the reader knows Tefgan is descended from Boudicca, it adds nothing more. Look closely at the way Boudicca speaks; it doesn't feel quite natural, as real people sp... view book

This is good, but I think it still needs tweaking. I know the process is neverending! I'm not sure you need the prologue. As long as the reader knows Tefgan is descended from Boudicca, it adds nothing more. Look closely at the way Boudicca speaks; it doesn't feel quite natural, as real people sp... view book

Cut down the adjectives. 'sweaty and frightened men'. Don't tell us, show us they're scared. Expand the description of the magical operation to feww the spirits from the box. Show us how overpoweringly terrifying it is! Glossing over it in a few sentences wastes what could be a tremendous scene. Kee... view book

I think you've got a few too many adverbs, and you'd be better to resist the temptation to hint at what's coming. There's a bit too much narration as well, and it obstructs the flow. Apart from that, this is well written, and a good beginning. view book

Not my thing, but this is good. You seem to alternate between tenses in places, and I find all the bits of French hard to deal with; I think you could cut these down, improve the flow,. and keep the flavour. view book