about me

Have you ever heard or read the phase ''If I tell you, I'll have to kill you.''? Millions of jokers say that now. I wish I had known it at one time. Would have been a handy thing for me to say during a time in my life..
Oh well, here's the information I CAN tell you...





Damn.. that was quick.. Oh well..
It's better to tell you what certain people believe I am, and a lot more interesting:
There's a man in my hometown that believes I'm over 5000 years old. Funny huh? Except he's a History Professor at U.C. Berkeley. And HE'S writing a book ''Proving'' it. I'd hire a lawyer and fight it, but a New York publisher is interested and the professor has promised me 40% royalties . What the hell..
(He thinks I'm Gilgamesh, which is silly.. Gilamesh used to live in the same town I did, and people DID often confuse us for each other, but give me a break...He was an ugly old fart..)
One of the reasons the professor thinks I'm that old (besides me telling him about events and discoveries in History that turn out to be true all the time) is, as he puts it'' You keep looking into the past every time you tell me something about it. All the small things, all the little things that that make it come alive when you talk about it'' I hope he's right, because I so much want to be able to write history books that way. I want people so much to have the joy of seeing the closest thing to an alien world that we can actually visit: the past.. (besides, it'll shut up all those librarians in The Great library of Alexandria who used to give me a hard time burning the oil all night. Maybe I can put one of MY books there after this; don't know; they might STILL be mad about that little accident I had with one of the oil lamps the last time I went there..)
There's some silly people who believe I'm the greatest secret agent who ever lived, starting as one as a child in Cuba. Ok, ok, so I WAS in Cuba during the missile crisis, and I DID carry around a toy ball that used to play a tune when radiation was around, and I did wear a dye on my skin that made me look like a native, but I had no idea that the base I went to was a Russian one. Any other conclusions are silly (And, no, I have no idea why the Cuban government refuses to let me come back there, even after all this time. Guess Mr. Castro didn't like the cigars I left him once.. Odd)
It's true that some people THINK I'm an anti-terrorist secret agent for the CIA, but that's just a silly idea based on the fact that I was in Oklahoma City the day of the bombing.. and on the 9th floor of the world trade center a half hour before the first plane came in. Just sad coincidence
It IS true that I spent a few years TRYING to make the world more perfect, and helping people as some sort of silly ''Lone Ranger''. Because of that, both Iran and Iraq used to have me under a death sentence after i smuggled out abused wives and children. (Don't know if they still do)Such is life.
It IS true that one of my parents worked for Prince Philip as a personal secretary, and it IS true that my Mom became pregnant with me that same year, but I AM NOT, I REPEAT, AM NOT, the secret son of Prince Philip! It was my DAD who was his secretary, NOT my MOM. That stupid rumor pops up every year when ''Auntie'' Liz sends me a birthday present..
And, of course, everything I just wrote is a total and utter lie. Of course, if I WAS working for the CIA and or MI6 that's what they would tell me to write, so what's true? Got a coin? Give it a flip..
As for the rumor that I, like Peter Sellers, once stated , ''had an operation to remove my real self''..

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favourite books

Anything (almost) by Rex Stout, Peter Green, Jack Douglas (early years) and anyone who's been dead for 2000 years

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