I've only read the first chapter, but my thoughts so far: Your short pitch could use work; your long one is great! I just didn't feel grabbed by the shorter one; I was actually really afraid this story would be really boring. You spoke of the "arrangement" with the lease a couple different t... view book

" an old lady by the name of" in your first sentence could be "an old lady named". Also, your second sentence is a fragment. I really only read a couple of paragraphs, so my suggestion would be that you think carefully and critically about how your first paragraph reads. Your first sentence did n... view book

I can't really offer you much advice, but I do think that you tell this story in a magnificent way that really captured my attention! view book

I only read the first few paragraphs, but I was just overwhelmed with all the content you packed into them. The story wasn't given the opportunity to just develop naturally with her emotions spilling out; they were thrown at me and I felt an incredible need to dodge them. It felt very forced. view book

I'm sorry to say that the story didn't really engage my interest right away. I'll continue reading at a later time and maybe you'll change my mind. Your very first paragraph was difficult to comprehend because of the sentence structure and some word choices, and many of your verbs lack imagination... view book