I am also one of those readers who do not read lots of fantasy works, but your syntax here is good and you do well laying the groundwork without too much exposition. My main objection is that you end both major scenes here liesurely, and you should try not to end a chapter at a rest. You want to k... view book

This reads well, Paul, and I have no problems with the overall syntax. The only reasons I would pass on this manuscript is because: 1) I don't care for YA protags, and 2) the narrator tells it bluntly without alot of fluff. Both of these reasons are based upon taste and do NOT detract from your ... view book

Chris, man, the problem I have with your first chapter is borne of taste. It tells me nothing; sure, it is a barrage of sensation, pain, frustration; but that is all there is. Not enough to warrant a gripping read. I say, begin with the hook, a few sentences of this, and then get into your story,... view book

The second chapter is much better; it gives us more depth, but you need to give us the name of your protag. I think you should do away witht he first chapter and start here with the second. view book

With the current popularity of Slumdog Millionaire and The Kite Runner, I saw this pitch and thought this would be a good read. Interesting presentation for the first chapter; however,very confusing without GLs specifying who's who. Tom said, she said, they whispered. This read like the bones o... view book