Your intro is very scary. Beyond that, your dialogue is realistic and your prose is natural. SHELVED. Alydia The Last Constantin view book

I liked your initial introduction...but I can't help feeling that people don't talk like this. I don't quite understand what they're trying to say, but it's like they're speaking in rehearsed poetry, maybe. Perhaps relax it a little--read it out loud to someone, and see if it sounds natural. Otherwi... view book

Gosh, this is such good writing, but it the story scares me to death, and the language is a bit much for me to handle. Good luck with this, though! view book

You start this story right where it should be started--right before crucial change. I also like that you give us a clear picture of this sport's world without losing us in jargon. I like Jack (good name choice!) and empathize with him. And he's an interesting guy, compelling. One thing I did wonder ... view book

I am going to back this, because the writing is good and the premise is very cool! But I have one suggestion: start it "in media res," (in the middle of things). An excellent spot would be "Get focused. Forget about Ishiro." The detail at the beginning sort of bogs down the beginning, like a lot of ... view book