To be honest, this sort of writing does not appeal to me. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean your book is crap. I found the start confusing,I had to slow down and re-read to fathom out what the author was attempting to impart to me. The break in the telephone conversation (badly grammar... view book

I liked the story, even though it slowed down in places. I would like to know at the start in which country the story takes place or better still the nationality of the characters. The grammar is sometimes American and sometimes English, very confusing when one tries to identify with the charact... view book

You have a problem with your tenses. I found your sub-chapters long-winded, they slowed the pace of the book, full of one info dump after another. You also have a problem with your pronouns and what happened to the box? You have a lot of serious editing before you if you wish to find an age... view book

A terribly long first chapter, you could divide it into two or maybe three parts. Vanessa Darnleigh wrote 44 days ago with very good advice, did you take it? You still need to correct your punctuation, it makes reading your story, which sounds intriguing, a little awkward and slows the pace. ... view book

Greg, I hate saying this but I can only second what KR says in his first two lines. But, then again... The landlords narration was funny, until then I was asking myself, where is the time machine? All in all, you need to show people what is happenning in your book, "show not tell" is the p... view book