There's too many off-notes here, mostly convoluted phrasing or over-explanation. I'll pick out some examples. "..adding a new challenge to Feya's balance?" eh? Why not "testing Feya's sense of balance"? Those dirty blonde strands are a point of view violation. "suspiciously sweeter than s... view book

This is a good opening. But you could tighten it up more. For instance: Pearl (Caldwell CUT) ducked under the covers (unwilling to respond CUT). A nightmare...waited in the streets. (She could not face the laughing, leering faces or the leaden weight of reality. She wanted nothing more than to s... view book

Okay. Chapter 2. Gateskin. Bloor. And Nurrulle. Who he? I like the conflict between Bloor and Gateskin. But it seems out of context. Why here and why now? What's going on anyway? I think I see where we are going. A rag-tag band of soldiers on a mission. But it is too fractured. One per... view book

Okay. Synopsis made me think of Shrek. Hope I get rid of that impression quick. Let's see. I like the soldiers. But I want a point of view character. Somebody IN the story. Lines like "There were some truly inspired barbs" are opinion. Whose? You need to either cut or break up Rusk's diatribe.... view book

We start with a wide angled lens in the first paragraph. Very cinematic. But I think your sentences are not well constructed and require either simplifying or reordering. Also you start with something that has stopped (the noisy generator) and the absence of noise only makes sense from the point of... view book