Well-polished manuscript, very easy to read. A few notes: The ‘unluckiest place’ after Malfortuna seemed a little cheeky. Max makes that observation naturally later on, which seemed effective, so I would scratch the comment earlier on. Caius must cry out or something to attract Max’s attention... view book

Thoughts on Hidden: I liked the pitch, but not the “you” references. We can’t be both the man and the woman, so I think it would be more effective to use the names of the characters, rather than addressing the reader as “you”. ‘listen to me, my girl’- missing comma When Haggis says that Mad... view book

Detailed crit of chapter 1: ‘leaning against the biggest tree’- leaning gives a relaxed impression, which doesn’t go with the rest of your words. You could scratch it and just go with “I studied…” ‘sat for a moment’- we lose the energy when the MC sits down. Keep pressing forward. ‘mocking ... view book

Thoughts on The Steel Town Secret: “in the morning, he was…” add comma add commas after “said” (Ted said, entering the room. …the senator said, rocking back in his chair.) Actually, there seems to be a lack of commas throughout. I will just mention it as a recommendation, rather than picking t... view book

Thoughts on Shalimar as I read (fair crit review): Tom swings both ways, eh? What kind of revolution, I wonder. ‘his trousers around his ankles. Max unlocked the toilet…” It sounds like Max leaves the bathroom with his pants still down at his feet. Also, I read a forum post recently about a... view book