Hot damn! This is really, really good, really gripping stuff. You manage to winch up the tension til I'm fairly climbing out the window! 'Technological griffin' - like it :) Very good beginning. Chpt 2: "parsing, and not passing time" - is he doing grammar exercises, or is this a typo? Either way,... view book

Kayla, sorry this took a while - I have too many distractions! Notes: Good opening sentence. "... my mother turned away at social events." I know what you mean but this feels like an anticlimax. Good hook at close of prologue. Chpt 1 : "The frozen rushed" missing word, I think. "Even though ... view book

Hi Cass, sorry this took longer than I expected. This was not my cup of tea, and I didn't always follow where you were taking me, but there were flashes of brilliance here which I couldn't help but enjoy. Notes: Nice shocking start, but I had to read the phrase "his white streaked face a death ... view book

I like your opening description of the cold. "The wind had been blowing so fierce snow..." do you mean fiercely? I love the way you double-tell the story - made me smile. You could do with more of a hook at the end of your first chapter, though. You spun the opening well - leaving aside the lengt... view book

Chpt 1 - This is an intriguing start, but I wouldn't recommend using a line from your opening chapter or two for your short - or long - pitch. It robs it of a lot of its punch when you read it in the book. I read on a little. It's a good place to start - at an Underground station - though I thought... view book