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Spawater Chronicles

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first registered 10.09.08

last online 827 days ago

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about me

I am not a Roman, though I have met a few, and do not come from Spawater.
I discovered the ancient town by accident after falling asleep on a train from Paddington to Bristol. Noting how people were paid in cash for painting themselves silver and standing stock-still in the town centre, I decided that such a career in Spawater amongst the Romans was far more interesting than my previous life as an information technology instructor.
Accordingly I joined the Spawater Lions'' supporters club, bought a toga and told the boss what he could do with his IT job.
...And have been starving ever since.

favourite books

Anything by PG Wodehouse
The Flashman novels.
'Life is a laugh' - George Orwell.
'Sex, drugs and Rock'n'Roll' - Osama Bin Laden
'Bellydancing for Beginners' - The Queen
'Invasions for Dummies' A. Hitler
''Vetatarian Cookbook' - Ghengis Khan

my websites

http://www.canwritewillwrite.com     http://www.amazon.com/$seoName/e/B002BLQ9GK/ref=sr

HarperCollins is not responsible for the content of external internet sites.

Self-publish with CreateSpace

my books

Youth Market

Barry Tighe

Jady is unhappy with dumbed-down television. Joanna hates cruel chicken farms. They decide to turn the people against both by means fair or fowl.




Over two thousand years ago the Romans came, saw and conquered Britain.
They stayed for a few hundred years until rising Villa prices, the ferociousness of the local lions and the quality of home-brewed wine convinced them to take all roads back to Rome.
No Romans remained. Britain, both sides of Hadrian's Wall, became a Roman-free zone.
Except....

There was one little town where the Roman bugle-song anthem of retreat, 'Legitus Quickitus', was not heard. One town where the Romans and the locals were so busy splashing around together spaside they missed the thunder of the departing last night chariots of fire. And as there were no cabs due for another 15 hundred years - and that's if you
believe the cab office - the town's Romans decided to stay.

The town grew, thriving on the naturally occurring spa waters, nurtured by the river Fons and hardened by the combination of original Brits and Roman bath lovers. The last bastion of the Roman Empire, it is now a mighty town
indeed. The town's name?
Spawater, home of the legendary Spawater Baths.

The Spawater Chronicles are the tales of its citizens, and how they take on the world and win.

 

Vote Alison MEP

Barry Tighe

Alison is campaigning to become an MEP. Jady is Alison's campaign manager,plotting behind the schemes to get her elected by Eurohook or by Eurocrook.


Jady is Alison's campaign manager, a Machiavellian Mandleson plotting behind the schemes to get her elected by Euro hook or by Euro crook. This is partly because of his love for democracy - or so he tells anyone who asks - and partly because he knows that employees of all MEPs have lifelong diplomatic immunity for any crimes they may commit. Indeed, much to Jady's Ode to Joy, the fraud squad is not allowed to enter the offices of any MEP under any circumstances. Jady sees diplomatic immunity as an essential asset for a businessman of his qualities.

With Jady pulling the strings, Alison demands a Peoples' Referendum. The people of Europe have never been asked if they want the European Union. It is about time they were. Alison campaigns for a Europe-wide Peoples' Referendum on whether to continue the march to a totalitarian United States of Europe, or disband the whole project. Kill or cure once and for all.

 

Gieves to the Fore

Barry Tighe

Sundered hearts trouble the world of Bartie Wooster. Aunt Dehlia rues the day she sold Milady’s Boudoir to Liverpool newspaper magnate Mr LG Trotter.


Meanwhile the Market Snodsbery Grammar School, of which she is a governor, needs either a new roof or damp-proof scholars. If only, she laments to Bartie, some benefactor could be found to buy back her beloved magazine. Oh, a and new roof would be nice, too. Meanwhile Gussie Fonk-Nittle regrets deserting his fiancée Medaline in a moment of vegetarianism and eloping with her father’s cook. Not half so much, it must be said, as Pop Stoker, the cook’s heavily armed father. Medaline regrets, as who wouldn’t, accepting Spade, Lord Sidcup’s marriage proposal as a gesture to score off Gussie. Is it her fate, she wonders, to be forever introduced as Lady Spade? Or can the fates see their way to a rapprochement with Lincolnshire’s premier authority on newts? When storm clouds gather over the world of Wooster, there is only one thing to be done. Only one brain, hat size fourteen and full to the brim with fish can reunite sundered hearts with the newt-lovers, pixie queens and magazines they love the best. Oh, and keep dry the necks of the Market Snodsbery scholars. Sit back with your favourite tipple, press the buzzer, and bring Gieves to the Fore.

 

Gone Fission

Barry Tighe

The government wants to build a nuclear power plant outside Spawater. Greenies plot to steal the waste and drop it on the rain forests.


The government has decided to build a nuclear power plant on one of the five hills of Spawater to help fight global warming. Greenies plot to steal the waste and drop it on the rain forests to save them from the loggers. Meanwhile, that King of the Jobsworths, Master of the Health and Safety Rulebook and Busybody Par Excellence, Harold Wood, is appointed Green Tsar of Spawater by a Council who really should know better. Harold is on a mission; to save Spawater from global warming by fining enviromental criminals for such environcrimes as recycling on a Tuesday, wasting energy using the wrong light bulbs and mixing polymers with non-polymers in houshold bins. Between the nuclear power plant and the Green Tsar, Spawater will foist conservation on it's citizens for their own good, whether they like it or not. Harold might not save the planet, but he will raise enough money finiing the public to buy a new one.

 

Casino

Barry Tighe

The Health n'Safety zealots have torpedoed that hitherto unsinkable institution, The Lifeboat Club. By bottom-of-the-pack dealing the council intend to flatten it into a car-park.


The local health & Safety zealots have torpedoed that hitherto unsinkable institution, The Lifeboat Club. By bottom-of-the-pack dealing, Spawater council intends to purchase the club for a derisory few chips and replace it with a government-approved supercasino. Between the council and outright victory stand Jady and his loyal army of rejects - the winos, heads and gamblers of Spawater - who are prepared to defend their loser lifestyles all the way to the gutter. Can Jady succeed in his mission to run the Lifeboats’ casino at a loss? Can he lose a million and inspire the good citizens of Spawater to turn tables on the council and come up trumps? Not if Police Inspector Brewe can mark his cards.

 

Identity Cards

Barry Tighe

A frightened government wants to force everyone to carry Identification Cards. As a trial they introduce them to Spawater. Book two The Spawater Chronicles


A frightened government has decided to force the entire population to carry Identification Cards at all times. As a trial they introduce them to Spawater. Should the ID cards and their controlling National Database be successfully implemented in Spawater they will be imposed nationwide. Book two of the seven-part Spawater Chronicles recounts the effects of ID cards on the town. Joanna opposes them on principle and joins the National Campaign against Identity Cards, Jady is also against, but sees in them an excellent moneymaking opportunity. Hanif, the computer expert, supports them and is employed to run the local trial by the senior civil servant, Mr. Dauntliffe, thus causing friction in the gang's social lives. Michael, a good-natured Austrian - Germany lite - master criminal, sees ID cards as the perfect cover to commit an audacious crime in the middle of town, under the noses of Inspector Brewe and her disloyal assistant. Can the Masked Pimpernel, that anonymous campaigner against paranoid government control freaks, save the day?

 

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I wrote 971 days ago

Gripping work. And to think, this is just the first installment of a saga to rival the greats. Can't wait for someone to publish it. view book

I wrote 977 days ago

A depressing but realistic slice of dysfunctional life in Barking. Could be Essex’s answer to ‘Trainspotting’. Well done. view book

I wrote 978 days ago

Suitably scary start. Action-packed beginning leaving tnhe reader wanting to know what happens next. It does what a prologue should do; promotes curiosity. Christina avenges Jessica and we all want to know why. What brought her to this extreme? THe author has a lot to live up to, but on this start... view book

I wrote 978 days ago

There is nothing like a dead body in the opening sentence to launch a detective story. Right from the off the reader is drawn into Dana’s world. A chiller of a thriller. I have only read the opening chapter but provided the main characters survive the story I think there might be a series here. view book

I wrote 978 days ago

Good atmospheric beginning. Characters established quickly. It is easy to see that the author is on the side of the swans, as is of course, Grandma Glenda. Sympathetic characters informing us about the swans and their peril. It makes me want to visit and drink the other half of Grandfather's coffee.... view book

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