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zed474

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first registered 22.03.09

last online 988 days ago

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about me

Born and raised in California, now living in Boston. I'm a science teacher who believes that every person has one good story in them, and that the difference between authors and everyone else is that the authors took the time to write their stories. One day I'll try to get mine on paper, once I figure out what it is. For now, I'll be kicking it on this site, offering what feedback I have.

Fair warning, my feedback is going to be pretty critical since I'm not here to play politics. I don't have a book that I want you to back, so I don't care if I piss you off. I'll simply leave my honest opinions about your work and my advice on how to correct any errors. It's all well-intentioned, and if you don't like it, tell me and perhaps I can explain it.

favourite books

LotR, of course. Most Heilein and Asimov, though I haven't read nearly enough of either. Peter F. Hamilton has some excellent ideas in each of his books. Oh, and I hate most classic literature that you're forced to read in school. It blows.

my websites

http://www.warriornation.net    

HarperCollins is not responsible for the content of external internet sites.

Self-publish with CreateSpace

my books

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latest

ndaye wrote 121 days ago

(rafica_4ndaye@yahoo.com) My name is rafica i saw your profile toda....

Name failed moderation wrote 368 days ago

annaweah55@yahoo.co.uk Hello, My name is anna i saw your profile at....

Rocky Lastinger wrote 1007 days ago

Hi, Zed. If you have the time, please take a look at my fiction p....

Joe Ducie wrote 1029 days ago

Zed, Thanks again for your follow up comments on the basic changes....

shayzzee wrote 1031 days ago

Thanks for reading and commenting :) I realize that the book needs a ....

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my comments

latest

I wrote 1031 days ago

You have a great hook, wonderful opening scene. However, it's badly overwritten. The sentences are too long, too wordy. You can easily cut it down by 10-20%. It'll make for a faster read, which is what thrillers require. Picking up the pace forces the reader to catch up to you and gets us more ... view book

I wrote 1031 days ago

Revised chapter 5: You're a bit too heavy-handed when it comes to Travis' reconciliation with Shayla. I think you can say just as much with fewer words. Let the reader interpret what happened. Try this: In good spirits, he leaned over and sliced open the box, and as he bagan laying board short... view book

I wrote 1032 days ago

I don't like the last sentence of the first paragraph. The "absolute bugger" phrase broke a rhythm I was falling into. Para 2: "fathom out" should be "fathom," shouldn't it? I don't think the out is necessary. Para 2: What does a crow know about a contact lens? Make it an analogy a crow would u... view book

I wrote 1034 days ago

This has the makings of a very good book, but as is it's too wordy. Most of your sentences are too long. Some of them can be split into two or more smaller sentences, and others can be removed completely. It seems to me like this manuscript could be about 30% smaller and have an even greater impa... view book

I wrote 1034 days ago

I'm not really sure what's going on, but you've gotten me hooked all the same. I'll definitely watchlist this one, maybe shelve it as well. One thing made me laugh though: when the girls are trading supplies in class with Martin, you mention that one gave him a "rubber." I know you're British... view book

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