Royal Flush by Scott Bartlett

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Royal Flush asks the question, can a man who throws his dates in a dungeon succeed romantically?

A recipient of the H. R. (Bill) Percy Prize, Royal Flush is a novel about a man known only as the King, and as his Kingdom careens toward catastrophe, he cruises seedy taverns looking for likely maidens. He is particularly bad at this.

His incompetence and his weakness for beautiful women drag him deeper and deeper into trouble. He is portrayed as a cross dresser by the Kingdom Crier, the Kingdom's most popular tabloid. Shortly after, he must defend his castle against a siege with only his royal fiddler, while attempting to steal his royal fiddler's girlfriend. And when the siege lifts, he must play the warmongering Traveling Linguists' Guild against King Cedric, a visiting monarch--the stakes are love, death and dethronement.

  • Classification: Moderate
  • Work is: Fully available on Authonomy
  • First submitted Oct. 1, 2008
  • Last updated Oct. 1, 2008
Royal Flush
  • Read 3 times
  • On 2 bookshelves

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  • Eddexx's avatar
    Eddexx wrote 1 year, 8 months ago
    Bang! Bang! A no-nonsense opener that rolls delightfully off the page and doesn't stop. The style has shades of Hans Christian Anderson and Roald Dahl and I was drawn along into the story and enjoyed the 'surreal' approach to the narrative written in such a free-flowing take-it-or-leave it way. The words come tumbling off the page unlike some works which seem to be written as a penance. Three cheers for the Glassblower and the King! Fantastic. I'm Backing it and ...
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  • patio's avatar
    patio wrote 3 years, 3 months ago

    You named a character Mud. You funny. What next? Landslide perhaps

  • Tom Balderston's avatar
    Tom Balderston wrote 4 years, 9 months ago

    Not the first king to lose his seat. Good plot line.
    Tom Balderston
    The Wonder of Terra

  • Marija F.Sullivan's avatar
    Marija F.Sullivan wrote 5 years, 4 months ago

    Amazing opening chapters. Witty, humorous, fun! Backed with pleasure and best wishes,
    M (Weekend Chimney Sweep)

  • Ilyria_Moon's avatar
    Ilyria_Moon wrote 5 years, 7 months ago

    Hilarious. Perfection. Love it. Backed.

  • J. Hamler's avatar
    J. Hamler wrote 5 years, 10 months ago
    Holy Christ! This first chapter was epic. In both length and farcical brilliance. Seriously, I'm overwhelmed. There's just too much. A plethora of jokes and one liners and general absurdity. You should be writing comedy for television. This could be an episode of Black Adder. I'm fucking trembling from laughing so hard. And I hardly ever laugh out loud when I'm reading something. Dare I say it: This is comedic perfection. If only the King WERE gay. If only I ...
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  • Kolro's avatar
    Kolro wrote 5 years, 10 months ago
    This is a bloody fantastic barking mad story that I love like a child. You've created a bizarre, yet highly enjoyable, world- a decrepit kingdom lacking in pretty much everything. The King is great. I love characters who have enormous amounts of power but get treated like crap (the Prime Minister in my book's exactly the same). There were so many great jokes in this that I wish I could copy and paste into here but this site won't let ...
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  • Ian Mayfield's avatar
    Ian Mayfield wrote 6 years, 1 month ago
    I had trouble getting into this, but did read the whole thing and I'm glad I persevered. At first I found the King to be SO unpleasant a character that it was difficult for me to care, even about his frequent comeuppances. I also wasn't convinced by the glassblower's extreme fear, especially since it quickly becomes clear that absolutely no-one in the Kingdom respects their monarch, even though he does keep having them imprisoned and executed. There's something very Blackadderish ...
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  • Paolito's avatar
    Paolito wrote 6 years, 1 month ago

    Royal Flush...

    And that's what this is...makes one flush with pleasure, when one isn't laughing, that is.

    Other people have mentioned nits, and no doubt there are, but I didn't notice any. I love your bumbler King; I really do. My only suggestion is to make your chapters shorter.

    Shelved enthusiastically and without a qualm.

    Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

  • Retired user
    Emerald [Retired] wrote 6 years, 2 months ago
    Dear Scott Bartlett, (author of ‘Royal Flush’), Your comments on ‘Miranda’ enlightened me; these also reminded me of my English class school teacher with ‘Wren and Martin’ in his left hand and a cane in his right hand (I am from India and English is not my mother tongue) who used to meticulously correct every wrong sentence. Unfortunately, nowadays such lone voice of a teacher is not heeded by some new authors. I have put your book ‘Royal Flush’ in ...
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  •'s avatar wrote 6 years, 2 months ago
    Scott, Here's my thoughts on your first chapter: I like your opening as a whole, though I think your second sentence has more tension built into it than the first one and might be a better first sentence because of it. So I guess, my question would be is your first line necessary? For me it wasn't, but if you're happy with it, then that is what matters. I loved "The god's have mercy" line, what a way to introduce ...
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  • John Harold McCoy's avatar
    John Harold McCoy wrote 6 years, 2 months ago
    Hi, Scott. Saw you in the forum. Thought I’d check it out. Just a few comments. Nit-picks that I probably shouldn’t even mention. "The glassblower abruptly noticed the Kings..." - not too fond of that 'abruptly.' "Because I love her." - I think I'd like to see something like, "The king hesitated a moment before answering, then said, "Because I love..." - Just me, of course. Ok, I won't nit-pick. This is funny as hell. Gotta feel sorry for the ...
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  • Retired user
    kgadette [Retired] wrote 6 years, 2 months ago
    Dear Scott, Reminiscent of the jibes thrown at the monarch in the first movie Shrek, may I say this is "Shrekian" in attitude. And an utter delight. With a full dungeon, how can the King deal with insolence? Leading one to the logical conclusion: then shouldn't the glassblower stay hid? Particular delights: the two women who looked at him, oops, just one. He rules by divine right; hence the weather's his responsibility. Palace or castle? A conundrum indeed. Suggest chopping ...
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  • jlkelly's avatar
    jlkelly wrote 6 years, 2 months ago
    Ok, I've just spent half an hour re-reading it and making my comments and I'm not done reading the first chapter, so here are the comments that I have for now...I'll finish later. ‘Clenching his teeth...’ At first it sounds like he’s mad/annoyed, but then you read about his chattering teeth. I’m wondering if there’s a different word for ‘clenching’? but nothing comes to mind at the moment. Ok, when the King proclaims his undying love? And the woman yawns? ...
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  • Retired user
    Fred Le Grand [Retired] wrote 6 years, 2 months ago

    I enjoyed this story.
    It is written in a very light-hearted manner which make it easy and plesurable to read.
    A Kning in search of a wife, a goat in search of I don't know what. An advisor who seems to lack tact.
    All mixed well and stirred to produce an interesting little story.

  • jlkelly's avatar
    jlkelly wrote 6 years, 2 months ago
    Ok, I just spent half an hour reading and commenting on chapter one and then my darn server kicked me and it didn't save. Dammit! And I honestly don't have time to write everything again. In a few places, you need to watch your tenses. The sentence where the King and advisor decide to eat and forget Georgianne, you can remove that. I loved the 'small talk' conversation and then he throws her in jail...loved it! I love the polo ...
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  • just4kix's avatar
    just4kix wrote 6 years, 2 months ago
    Royal Flush I have found the best way to discover good books on this site is to seek out the writers of erudite comments, which is how I came to read Royal Flush Your first paragraph immediately draws the reader into the action as we ask the question – why is the glass-blower withdrawing his head? I enjoyed the subtle low-key humour. The exchanges between the glass-blower and the king reminded me of Blackadder, and I was sorry when the ...
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  • Bakrobi's avatar
    Bakrobi wrote 6 years, 2 months ago

    I’m backing this because I really like it… but there’s no ignoring the fact that it seems a bit fishy. It has more than twice as many backings as comments. I’m not accusing you of treachery, I’m just sayin’.

  • Elaina's avatar
    Elaina wrote 6 years, 3 months ago

    Seriously funny, ha ha! I didn't know what to expect, but I started grinning almost immediately! Nothing wrong with your writing and, in fact, the occasional 'modern' term actually enhances this tale- it is, after all, a farce!!!! The only point I'd make is to shorten your chapters....having said that, the way you work it backwards in chp1 is simply brilliant!

    Happy to shelve for a while and I wish you the best forward!

    Gathering of Rain

  • mn73's avatar
    mn73 wrote 6 years, 3 months ago
    The title alone had this on my watchlist, and now I have come to read it I am loving it. The King is a delightful character, and his witty banter with all and sundry is highly readable. Had me smiling and laughing throughout, from the wonderful glassblower scene onwards. I would have been intruiged to see the glassblower try to make the heart that would shatter in one person's hands though (just one of many lovely ideas on offer here). ...
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