Burchell by Colin Frankel

He had no idea when he opened up his shop that morning, that he would end up mixed up in a revolution

Clive Burchell, full time mercenary and part time pawn shop owner went through a horrific event ten years ago in which he lost his entire family and his face was horrifically scared. Since then he has been working as a mercenary and trying to find out who was responsible for the event with the help of Naomi a communications expert and Zoe his young headstrong apprentice.
One day two terrified strangers run into his shop escaping from the royal guards. Clive decides to help them, not knowing that he would end up getting involved in a rebellion against a tyrannical king in which he would go head to head with a sociopathic royal officer and finally learn the truth about the event ten years ago

  • Classification: Moderate
  • Work is: Extract only on Authonomy
  • First submitted July 7, 2012
  • Last updated July 7, 2012
Burchell
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  • A G Chaudhuri's avatar
    A G Chaudhuri wrote 1 year, 5 months ago
    The title BURCHELL reminded me so much of the action films that I grew up with, like Rambo and Braddock or even the older western, Django (Franco Nero). As far as the story is concerned, BURCHELL is an action packed revenge drama more firmly entrenched in Akira or Metropolis territory, classic dystopian, with a tormented Dark Man like hero thrown in, whom I found rather endearing. The action exploded on the very first page and carried me along despite me ...
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  • Jim Waurzyniak's avatar
    Jim Waurzyniak wrote 1 year, 7 months ago
    A fun read; watchlist and awaiting more. This is a wild romp of popcorn in a comic book style. I read through the other comments and sure I have to agree with there being redundancies. With actions you might want to delete the phrase that was already said, however be very careful with descriptions of the environment (people and objects). This is a very colourful world taking on a character of its own. It is easy to see and makes ...
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  • Retired user
    Cathy Hardy [Retired] wrote 1 year, 7 months ago
    Sorry this has taken so long. Your story is full of action and very imaginative. I want to know what happened to the M C ten years previously, so the description of his injuries and scars, plus your pitch draw the reader in rather quickly. You could do with one or two commas in your pitch, particularly after the time clauses. I have some suggestions below. Please don't be offended and ignore them if you wish, but it's only the ...
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  • Retired user
    bigmouth [Retired] wrote 2 years ago
    Hello, This is a classic case of over-writing. There may well be a good story in here but it will struggle to get noticed, buried as it is beneath so much description and redundant text. Here's an example: 'A reassuring female voice replied through the ear piece in his ear.' 1. We already know it is reassuring because of the words spoken, you don't need to tell us. 2. Where else would the earpiece be apart from in his ear? ...
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  • LCF Quartet's avatar
    LCF Quartet wrote 2 years, 6 months ago
    Hi Colin, I read the second chapter of BURCHELL today, and I'm glad that your story keeps me hooked in with your creativity. It's very well written in a sophisticated style and your sense of dialogue development is good. It seems like Clive is going to face a lot of challenges in the coming chapters and I liked the Zoe character, as well. I wish you a pleasant weekend and look forward to reading more chapters next week, Lucette- Ten ...
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  • LCF Quartet's avatar
    LCF Quartet wrote 2 years, 7 months ago
    Hi Colin, First of all, I liked the title of your book...Second, I care about your characters and they sound real. Clive could be anyone next door. You are unpretentious, and you care about your reader. Why did I say that? Unlike many others, I need a lot of description to visualize the plots and the overall ambiance. You also did a good job in prompting in a back story with the pawn shop so that we can understand how ...
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  • Retired user
    Alley Brock [Retired] wrote 2 years, 7 months ago
    I just wanted to point out one things that several of my good friends were kind enough to put out there in regards to my own work: "You're using too many words and you're describing too much. Let the reader work for it." I would definately apply it to your work, as well. You're my ally in over-description. We're both addicted. Then again I've been obsessively editing the Prologue for the last eight years and I was still over descriptive! ...
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