Deviance. by Lisa Toohey.

Lena was created in a lab to be the perfect soldier, then she turned her back on her creators to save the ones she loves.

Lena was created to be a perfect soldier, one that never questioned her orders... but when her 'father' is murdered before her eyes she learns to say no. She tried to run, but her dreams were haunted by the 'siblings' she left behind. Now Lena is back, and she's not leaving until all of her family is free.

She's still trying to learn what it really means to be human. She's only just starting to discover the meaning behind friendship and love, but time is running out for her siblings. They're beginning to display deviant behaviour, and if it is discovered they will be deactivated forever.

The time is coming where she'll have to choose what matters most- her budding romance, or her family. Chances are she'll have to lose one to keep the other.

  • Classification: Universal
  • Work is: Extract only on Authonomy
  • First submitted Feb. 14, 2014
  • Last updated Feb. 14, 2014
Deviance.
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  • JCGG's avatar
    JCGG wrote 11 months ago
    This is based on chapter 1. A very good start to a story. I don’t have any big issues, but several nitpicky things below. The writing is good. I’m interested in Lena, and if I had the book in hand, I would want to read more. Every one of us was born with a flaw. etc. >I’m not fond of prologues/character epigraphs at the beginning of books or chapters, but I think yours works well. His hand closed around his ...
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  • RJBrown's avatar
    RJBrown wrote 11 months, 2 weeks ago
    CWOG review. SP: Good short pitch… one slight niggle, using the word until, implies that the first half of the sentence no longer applies, but if she was created in a lab, she would always remain so. Maybe Lena was created in a lab. She was the perfect soldier, until she turned her back on her creators to save those she loves – You still get your message across but aren’t contradicting yourself. Just a thought. LP: Excellent concept for ...
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  • Jaclyn Aurore's avatar
    Jaclyn Aurore wrote 11 months, 2 weeks ago
    CWOG/CAN - read offline i know this is an unedited unpolished work and you're looking notes on story, not grammar/punctuation - but it's hard to get past typos to see the story that it is... To avoid all the silly nitpicks, i recommend uploading a polished version so that people don't see mistakes as they read along. the notes i made for you: - watch for repetition - there are 11 counts of the word 'his' in a single paragraph ...
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  • July's World's avatar
    July's World wrote 11 months, 2 weeks ago
    CWOG review Hi Lisa! Your book sort of reminded me of the "Dark Angel" series, although I'd gather from the first chapter that it has its own style. :) "Deviance" is quite interesting but you still have to put some work into it. Please don't be discouraged by the amount of work people suggest, it's worth it! :D The following statements are my thoughts, so choose if you want to use any of it :) Some things I noticed (I ...
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  • Porpoise's avatar
    Porpoise wrote 11 months, 2 weeks ago
    Deviance SF42 review Hi Lisa, here we go. First Paragraph - Great setup, can't fault it. Maybe the line after 'I've had a lot...' could be dropped. Then it leaves things hanging in the air. Not sure though. Paragraph - 'Yes,' the man standing - I know the guy is cooler under presure than the rest, but the last line of dialogue doesn't quite sound right. Thinking about it, it's the 'Now lets' bit. Paragraph - She took tthe flowers ...
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  • noodelwoman's avatar
    noodelwoman wrote 11 months, 2 weeks ago
    So I've read the first three chapters and my initial reaction is as follows: All of this is far too on-the-nose. People rarely say what they're thinking or do what they want to. Too much other subtext gets in the way. As well, more of the contents of chapter three needs to be leaked earlier. We need to understand Lena's limits and the limits of the world she was created in. As well, what makes her special? What is her ...
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  • Scott Butcher's avatar
    Scott Butcher wrote 11 months, 3 weeks ago
    CAN review Hey Lisa, Good pitches, I'd read the book from those...oh! I am. Nice opening chapter. Interesting start, some sort of dystopian society? Hope you don't rue this, remember, I'm a details guy: Chapter 1: "...in the pit of his stare." I think would be better as "...in the pit of that stare." makes him seem more machine-like, but also you've overused "him" in that paragraph. "Her head snapped suddenly..." I assume somewhere in this paragraph that the guy ...
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  • Roger Laurence's avatar
    Roger Laurence wrote 11 months, 3 weeks ago
    All right! I read the first chapter and the hook is in. The main line here is fascinating and I'm jelous. That said, I think there is a little bit of fine crafting that could happen to tighten up the prose, and intensify the (already intense) pace. Here are a few specific of examples: "Her head snapped suddenly to the left and her arms uncrossed revealing the black pistols that had been tucked out of sight." Consider "Her head snapped ...
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  • The Imagineer's avatar
    The Imagineer wrote 11 months, 3 weeks ago
    Directed Read Swaps Request ** *** *** * * * ** ** *** * * CHAPTER SUMMARIES: Chapter 1: The first paragraph really adds to the story as you go on. I like it. There are a lot of grammatical errors, but they can be fixed by having a friend to go over it. (I had one do another book of mine.) There is an unnamed lady that comes into the shop. I haven't seen her in any of the ...
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  • lauraemmons's avatar
    lauraemmons wrote 9 months, 2 weeks ago
    CWOG Review of DEVIANCE by Lisa Toohey I've read the first three chapters of DEVIANCE. The story is well-written. The premise is interesting. I love stories with strong female characters. You done a good job of creating a dystopian future where poverty is much more widespread than now, but it still feels realistic. My favorite part in chapter 1 is when she plugs the computer cable into a port on her own body. That was a nice twist I've not ...
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  • JCGG's avatar
    JCGG wrote 11 months ago
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  • Fiona Haven's avatar
    Fiona Haven wrote 11 months, 2 weeks ago
    Hello Lisa, SF42 review I've read four chapters and flicked through the other two. I'm actually feeling stuck about what to say, I normally jot down notes as I read, but don't seem to have much written down. I think that means nothing stood out as being glaringly off, and neither did anything grab me as being absolutely superb. I think I'd describe it as solid, because it's an interesting concept and capably written. I was hooked enough to be ...
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  • Ida Luther's avatar
    Ida Luther wrote 11 months, 2 weeks ago

    Interesting premise. I just started reading and I will continue.

  • vee8's avatar
    vee8 wrote 11 months, 3 weeks ago
    Apologies for the delay in the return read! Opening prose in the first chapter is excelent, but the last line seems a bit incongruous, it felt like an add-on. I can see it's ironic humour, but the passage flowed better without her having a lot of time to think about it. What follows is a powerful and dramatic start. Can't beat a bit of good, old-fashioned, hand-to-hand ultra-violence! But thinking caps? That felt like picking up a splinter while running ...
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  • CarolynH's avatar
    CarolynH wrote 11 months, 3 weeks ago
    Hi Lisa, I've read the first three chapters and found the hook in chapter 1 irresistible - I'm intrigued as to how this plays out. I agree with some of the earlier comments on structure etc and in particular about giving Glen a more distinct character. I think Jason's attentiveness adds to the intrigue about Lena. Overall, I'm sufficiently interested to read on and have watchlisted. Please take a look at mine - Within A Year - different genre but ...
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  • fantasygirl88's avatar
    fantasygirl88 wrote 11 months, 3 weeks ago
    Ok, I've finally gotten a chance to read some of your book in return after working all week LOL. So far, it moves at a pretty decent pace and I see what you mean by the showing instead of telling thing. I've noticed a few grammar and spelling errors in your writing, not terrible but you should go look at it. Back story is neat but I thought you did just a tiny more than necessary about the flower shop, ...
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  • Retired user
    Lauren Grey [Retired] wrote 11 months, 3 weeks ago
    Lisa, my promised read from my, I’m Looking ... thread I’ve just had the time to dip into the first chapter tonight but am very impressed with what I’ve read. You have an opening that grabs the reader from the onset and doesn’t let go through your superbly written narratives and the most realistic dialogue. What appealed to me the most is how much back-story you have been able to incorporate into the narrative passages without them coming across as ...
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  • The Imagineer's avatar
    The Imagineer wrote 11 months, 3 weeks ago
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  • Dean Lombardo's avatar
    Dean Lombardo wrote 11 months, 4 weeks ago

    Hi. I was back to read the second chapter. Good lean prose which makes for fast reading. Just some punctuation problems that need to be addressed; otherwise very nice, although I am anxious for something big to happen soon.

  • Kate J Squires's avatar
    Kate J Squires wrote 12 months ago
    Hey Lisa, I've just finished the first chapter and had to comment. Your pitches are terrific, sucked me straight in, and with such a horrific opening, I had to read on. I really like Lena - she has a practical quality about her that should appeal to the readers of this genre. The universe you've built is brilliantly fleshed out, I think you've put serious thought into the in and outs of this city, and I loved the little details, ...
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